In an operation that began under former FBI Director James Comey, the feds are investigating allegations that Russia may have tampered with America’s use of Viagra.
At the heart of the investigation dubbed “Viagragate,” Russian agents doubling as doctors and pharmaceutical sales reps are alleged to have spread rumors that Viagra has a side effect that causes men to uncontrollably pass gas during intercourse.
“Men across the country are reported to have experienced severe flatulence during their most intimate and tender moments after ingesting even minimal doses of Viagra,” Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Acting Director Ann Schuchat, M.D. said at a recent press conference. “These gas-passing episodes produce feculent odors of the worst possible kind, causing both partners to forgo climaxing and forces them to almost immediately cease intercourse.”
“The party responsible for planting these rumors has tapped into the knowledge that psychosomatic disorders combined with a small dose of Viagra can produce dire consequences,” Schuchat said.
President Trump tweeted:
“Once again the Fake News media outlets like CNN are perpetuating information based on nothing more than hot air. Sad!”
Trump later tweeted an MTV Celebrity Grudge Match GIF with his face superimposed over Monica Lewinsky and CNN’s logo over Hillary Clinton. The president quietly removed the GIF after the Twitterspace exploded in anger. Sarah Palin also mocked Trump in a tweet that she also has since deleted, but not before the president tweeted back, “I can see your hockey mom haggard old buffalo butt from my White House!”
Sources close to the White House indicated that the FBI’s investigation “stinks of typical agenda-ridden propaganda left over from the previous administration.”
Those sources confirmed that President Trump is mulling over formally requesting Congress to investigate the FBI itself over what appears to be blatant corruption.
Speaking in anonymity, one Viagragate survivor said that his new bride left him during the second day of their honeymoon because he was unable to control his flatulence during intercourse.
“We were both married before and thought when we found each other, we found our soul mate,” he said, choking back tears. “I awoke to a note she left on her side of the bed that said, ‘As you know, my former husband had irritable bowel syndrome. Apparently, I’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire…in this case, the sulfurs from Hell’s Lake of Fire have destroyed our fledgling marriage. I am returning to my real husband and I ask that you do not fight me as I seek an annulment of ours.’”
CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Schuchat if there were any reports of gay couples who had also experienced similar side effects. Cooper was sweating profusely, dabbing his brow with a cloth, walking as if he was experiencing lower back pain.
Cooper’s face crunched into a hard squint and a loud noise cracked from his backside. An unbearable odor suddenly filled the space around him and the room quickly cleared.
“I think we have our answer,” Schuchat said as she vacated the podium, tears flowing down her cheeks as if she just bit into a freshly harvested onion.
Calls to the Russian Embassy were not returned by press time.