Trump tells Cruz and Kasich to Come out of the Closet


Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump laughed off an ironic alliance between Ted Cruz and John Kasich with a three-word response: “dead and desperate.”

A FOX News Real Time poll shows the majority of U.S. millennials did not understand Trump’s carefully chosen line was a play on the 1994 comedy movie Dumb and Dumber.

Other pollsters concur with FOX’s findings but a number of them add that millennials do not understand much at all to include movies they recently saw or that it’s ok not to tip for takeout food.

“Lyin’ Ted and Mini Van Mama Kasich are mathematically dead and totally desperate,” Trump tweeted after the announcement of the Cruz-Kasich alliance.

A press release from Trump called the alliance “a horrible act of desperation from two closet pals who have horribly failed.”

When asked by a CNN reporter he meant by “closet pals,” Trump replied:

“They’re a pair of gay guys, I tell ya! Get ‘em the hell out of here!”

After calming down, Trump fixed his collar and added with a smile, “There’s a bright spot for everything, though. I get a belly laugh just picturing those two cowboys at some good ole’ honky tonk doing the do-si-do with each other. They need to come out of the closet.”

The Cruz and Kasich campaigns made their announcement in Philadelphia, during which each tried to make the case that Trump has an outdated toupee and chronic halitosis.

Cruz was quick to point out he could be trusted as he looks like Bruce Patrick, the lad who played Eddie on The Monsters. Kasich added that he too bears a famous resemblance: John Denver. The Ohio Governor whipped out an acoustic guitar and began plucking Rocky Mountain High.

The duo kept in perfect harmony until the chorus when Cruz’s voice petered out as he labored in vain to sing the high notes. Kasich grimaced because that is what esteemed gentlemen of his deportment and stature are expected to do.

The simultaneously released statements announced that Kasich would pull out of Indiana to give Cruz “a clear path” ahead of that state’s winner-take-all primary May 3, while the Cruz campaign will “clear the path” for Kasich in Oregon, which votes May 17, and New Mexico, which votes June 7.

“The only clear path these clowns have is from my fist to their noses the next time I see them,” Trump said.

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