Rubio Vows Airport Equity – Will Require TSA to Respect Travelers

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During a Nevada rally, presidential candidate Marco Rubio vowed to make traveling through airports a more enjoyable experience.

“I have heard one airport story after another about how the TSA has substantially added to the misery many Americans experience during their travels,” Rubio told supporters. “Time and again people have missed their flights due to overzealous TSA agents, have been patted down like a Clinton White House intern, or have had personal items confiscated such as love oils in bottles exceeding three ounces.”

“My opponent likes to blame presidents Clinton and Bush for 9/11, but he refuses to address how the American people suffer at the hands of the failed TSA program that was implemented as a result of the terrorist attacks,” he continued. “When I am elected president, my first Executive Order will require TSA agents to ditch their ugly disco-era blue shirts and to politely explain to travelers what their mysterious highlighter markings on boarding passes indicate.”

Rubio also promised that he will work with Congress to pass a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Do” law which would require the TSA to remove their belts and shoes before requiring passengers to do the same.

“If TSA agents don’t want the possibility of their pants falling down or to contracting ringworm from filthy airport floors, then they had better not ask passengers to disrobe to any degree.”

Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said Rubio’s obsession with the TSA is simply a diversion from the fact that he plans to allow illegal immigration to proliferate.

Governor John Kasich said in a press statement that he was simply too grown up to comment on the issue, which is why he drives a Ford Windstar.

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