After winning Minnesota in Tuesday’s multi-state primary known as Super Tuesday, Marco Rubio declared he will be both the Republican Nominee and the next President of the United States.
Stepping up to the podium, Rubio exclaimed, “Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!”
A hushed silence fell upon Rubio’s supporters.
An anonymous source close to the campaign told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that the candidate’s earpiece picked up television interference, which apparently was aSpeedy Gonzalez rerun. The source also confided that a campaign aide helps Rubio with talking points through the earpiece when the candidate gets flustered and needs information beyond his canned responses.
Clearing his throat, Rubio told supporters that by winning Minnesota, his campaign has turned a corner to a path that will lead to victory.
Rubio was quick to dismiss a pundit who pointed out that he lost ten of the eleven states holding a Republican primary on Tuesday, and that Cruz was the candidate who gained the most momentum by picking up more states than expected.
“Unfortunately, I don’t believe America has progressed far enough to elect a Hispanic candidate, which will not bode well for Mr. Cruz,” Rubio said.
A FOX News reporter was quick to correct the candidate: “But Mr. Rubio, you yourself are Hispanic!”
Rubio fired back, “Don’t you dare play the race card with me!”
Taking a massive gulp of bottled water, Rubio cleared his throat and continued his speech.
“Look, now is the time to become united, not divided,” he said. “The fact is, I have the wind at my back.”
Republican front runner Donald Trump later commented he was disgusted by “[Rubio’s] apparent reference to having a case of flatus gas.”
During his victory speech, Rubio said Minnesota is emblematic of all America.
“As Minnesota goes, so does goes the country,” he said. “It’s just that people there are very nice and wholesome. I feel that most of America is nice and wholesome as well, or is striving to be as such, including those with New York Values. And as Jeb Bush pointed out before suspending his campaign in preparation of becoming a member of my Cabinet, Donald Trump is a jerk. Minnesotans do not elect jerks for president. They like nice people like me. America will follow the North Star State’s lead.”
“Our victory tonight proves that I am the only Republican who can defeat Mrs. Clinton in November,” Rubio said.
“Hillary does not look presidential, especially in those hideous pantsuits she tends to wear,” Cruz continued. “Sometimes she even resembles Ronald McDonald. At a recent debate she looked like a cross between the Yellow Submarine and Mao Tse-Tung. And another time she looked like that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box.”
“I’m the only candidate who looks presidential,” Rubio continued. “I wear the flag pin on my suit at a precise angle. During debates and speeches, I cock my head and do that folded index finger pointing thing that JFK started. And look at how nicely pressed my suits are! There is no question that I am going to be the next president of the United States.”