Earlier this year, I won the distinction to portray Jesus next Easter for my daughter’s Sunday School class. To fulfill playing the part, I need to grow my hair to a little longer than shoulder length. Fortunately, I do not need to grow the beard until about February 2017. I think the beard fad is hideous and I would not want anyone to think I am one of those guys.
Well, I am 47 years old with a little bare scalp action starting to peak out the back of my head, kind of like a twinkly star in certain lighting. After growing my hair a little, the starshine faded into the morning glory of my new style.
My hair is fuller, thicker, and shinier, and at the rate it’s growing, it will be down to my hips by Thanksgiving if I don’t get it trimmed. And as a byproduct, my fingernails are quickly growing, are thicker, and also have a shine. But, I’m portraying Jesus, not the devil, so I will keep those guys trimmed.
So how did a midlife guy get such beautiful long hair in such a short time? Easily. After consulting a few notable hairstylists and physicians, I followed a few simple steps that I am happy to share with you:
Biotin: I purchased a bottle of 10,000 mcg biotin from a local pharmacist. I take one capsule each day in the morning with a shot of brandy, as recommended by someone I met on Facebook. Because it’s an elixir, brandy is known to greatly enhance biotin. The results were immediate. Within two weeks, my hair was thicker and fuller. In a month, the longer length was evident. If brandy is not conducive to your palates, you may also use a dose of NyQuil. If you choose that route, begin on a weekend as it will knock you out. You will develop a tolerance within in a few days and will soon be able to enjoy the benefits of this combination.
Scalp Massage: I actually learned this technique from a beautician with whom I work when promoting concerts for major rock and country music bands. Because I drive a lot, the beautician recommended that I use that time to massage my scalp, as an hour per day is required. Not only has this stimulated the blood flow to my scalp, it gives me something to pass the time while driving as my ADD prevents me from comprehending audiobooks. The look on other drivers faces is priceless as they watch me go at it at red lights or in traffic jams.
Minimal Hair Washing: Hair product manufacturers market their products in a way that makes us believe their shampoos, conditioners, and hairsprays will give us a fuller head of hair, better shine, and even help add to its length if we use them on a daily basis. Nothing could be further from the truth. The beauticians with whom I consulted all agree that our hair needs a break from daily washing. They recommend a week of washing and two weeks off of washing. Keep in mind, these beauticians are top of the line in their industries who serve artists on tour to include Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, Slash, Shania Twain and Taylor Swift—not the typical tattooed sassafrassy hussies in yoga pants who work for franchise hair salons.
Celibacy: Indeed sex has many natural benefits. It’s a beautiful gift God gave to husbands and wives to express their love and to produce babies. But did you know sex drains the rest of the body of its resources? It takes 24 hours for the body to fully replenish those resources. So during sex, all the body’s resources that would stimulate the scalp go straight to the organs that see no sunshine. So, laying off the funky monkey has benefits. This should be a hint for guys who chase the chicks with extra long hair: they are probably saving it for marriage, boys! Before you plan to engage in abstinence, please research the bountiful websites that can provide your spouse mechanical devices that can create sexual satisfaction while you are playing the monk.
So there you have it. It worked for me and it should work for you. Take that biotin, rub your scalp till it climaxes, take a week off from washing, sleep alone, and you too can have thicker, fuller and shinier hair!
Note: These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. Please consult industry professionals and physicians before taking any supplements mentioned in this article. As well, please consult your spouse before engaging in abstinence as doing so without mutual consent could result in serious consequences.