Outraged by the outcome of Iowa’s Democratic caucuses, God indicated in a press release that he intends to “rain down fire” in select locations throughout the United States if Bernie Sanders loses New Hampshire.
“I believe Iowa should have gone to Bernie,” said the Lord of Hosts in a later conversation with CNN correspondent Neale Donaldson Walsch. “He’s a good man, older and wiser than Granny Clinton. He understands the Rule of Law as he helped Moses edit the Ten Commandments before the final draft was written in stone.”
Showing a first hint of support for Mrs. Clinton, Vice President Joe Biden was quick to remark, “I met Moses and I go way back with Bernie. Both are good guys, but their policies are as far apart as the shores of the Red Sea. Listen, the heart and soul of the Democratic Party are at stake in this election. If I were Hillary, I would tell Mr. Sanders during tonight’s debate, “You, sir are no Moses.”
Speaking in anonymity, a physician serving the Obama administration told CNN that she believes that the Vice President is confusing the Liberator of God’s chosen ones with the late great Hall of Fame basketball star Moses Malone.
“Joe is a huge sports fan, and a wonderful man, but I am afraid he is losing it, kind of like Reagan did during his second term in office,” said the doctor. “Which is why I hope Joe enters the race even at this late stage. As a physician, I am nonpartisan. I loved Reagan, and I think the onset of Joe’s senility will make him even a stronger leader, which is what this country needs right now.”
When asked if he would step into the race in the event a sharp division rises among delegates going into the convention, or if Mrs. Clinton is indicted over the damned emails Sanders is sick of hearing about, Biden retorted, “As I said when I announced my decision, that window has closed.”
Mrs. Clinton’s husband Bill Clinton told reporters, “I did not have sexual relations with that window.”
Citing the former president’s misunderstanding of Biden’s remarks, the Clinton campaign issued a statement apologizing for Mr. Clinton’s “innocent and unintentional misreading of the Vice President’s comments.”
With less than a week to go, all eyes are on New Hampshire, including God’s.
“I’m still betting on Bernie,” said the Lord. “But let me be clear, there will be consequences if the Bernster does not win.”
Forces of darkness were reported to settle in New Hampshire immediately after the Iowa caucuses seeking to cause an upset for Sanders. Calls to Satan were not returned by press time.