Outgoing Democratic National Committee Chairman Debbie Wasserman Shultz announced that all mentions of God will be banned at next week’s Convention.
“It’s time to settle the issue once and for all. The Democratic Party is a party of leadership, vision, and fresh ideas. Antiquated beliefs about God or references to the so-called Holy Bible have no place in our party, convention, and in fact, our great nation,” Wasserman Shultz said.
The Convention begins Monday in Philadelphia, Pa. Democratic leadership will vote to set the rules of the convention at the onset of the event. Wasserman Shultz said an early polling of the group indicates overwhelming support for the ban.
“It’s important to note, we already have a packed lineup of speakers so we need to use our time wisely,” Wasserman Shultz said. “And, it’s critical that we focus on the issues to ensure Hillary Clinton is elected the next president of the United States and, just as importantly, Donald Trump is not. The convention is hardly the right place to play church.”
CNN’s Anderson Cooper pressed Wasserman Shultz for the motive behind the move.
“I’m not saying that I disagree with you as I think that if there is a God it would be a ‘she,’” Cooper said. “But it seems to me you are putting a lot of emphasis on this issue the day after Trump outlined his aggressive, and quite frankly, rather well thought plan for America should he be elected.”
“The bottom line, Anderson, is there is no God,” said Wasserman Schultz. “For example, when my husband and I decided to have children, we tore off our clothes, hopped into bed, and made babies. I can tell you up front, we’re not into threesomes, so there was no God there to help us out. The convention is not a place to foster fairy tales.”
“I can relate somewhat to what you’re saying although as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “And I know that LGBTQ issues will be at the forefront of the convention.”
“They sure will be, Anderson,” Wasserman Schultz said. “And to your point about being gay, if there was a God, you and your partner would be able to have a baby just by praying for one.”
Wasserman said that just prior to the convention, an offsite Bible burning will take place in the parking lot of nearby Lincoln Field. Nightly séances will be held, culminating in a Thursday night orgy after Secretary Clinton accepts her party’s nomination.
Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Aerosmith’s Joey Kramer for the idea for this piece!