CNN President Jeff Zucker announced the Cable News Network will not endorse Donald Trump for U.S. President.
Zucker stopped short of indicating whether CNN will endorse Hillary Clinton.
The news came as a surprise to CNN insiders, political analysts, and viewers.
“I am disappointed in our decision not to endorse Trump,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said. “I met a lot of gay men at the Republican Convention and had a few wild nights back at the hotel as a result. That would never have happened if one of the establishment Republicans The Donald wiped out were the nominee.”
“Most of all, I was deeply moved when Trump addressed the LGBTQ community,” Cooper continued. “And to be honest, I wept with joy when PayPal founder Peter Thiel spoke. I wouldn’t do him personally, but I was moved to see a flaming homosexual at the podium put another crack in the pink ceiling.”
Trump himself seemed taken back by the announcement.
“Here we go again, more media corruption from the top,” Trump said. “But what the hell does their endorsement mean when they give me all the coverage I want? I could moon someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and CNN would still cover me.”
CNN veteran Wolf Blitzer was also stunned at the announcement.
“Donald is a decent man regardless of how I spin my work against him,” Blitzer said. “He has never made fun of my hideous eyeglasses, and I get a kick out of his grandchildren playing with my beard.”
A response from the Clinton campaign revealed jubilance.
“Knowing CNN will not endorse Trump is, in his own words, ‘huge’,” the statement from the campaign said. “We believe this will result in fairer and balanced coverage, which will be advantageous in helping people see Mrs. Clinton in a more positive light. She’s really not a bad person, all things considered.”
Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly said he believes CNN never intended to endorse Trump. Zucker declined an invitation to discuss the issue on the O’Reilly Factor.
“It’s nothing political, I just can’t stand Irish skirt chasers,” Zucker’s rejection letter said.
“A guy my age has no time for one-liners and the motions of courtship,” O’Reilly said. “Zucker can take his Grey Poupon and shove it up his you-know-what.”