BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Hillary Clinton made history Tuesday after winning California and New Jersey.
“We’ve reached a milestone,” Clinton announced in Brooklyn.
“This means the American people will have the opportunity to put someone in the oval office who sports a bra rather than a tie,” a chuckling Clinton told supporters.
“Our next president will have shaved legs, occasional bikini waxings, and of course a wardrobe chock full of pantsuits,” she said.
Clinton’s Republican opponent was quick to pounce on her remarks.
“It’s disgusting, just disgusting,” Donald Trump said. “Every time the Clintons make history, their private parts are in one way or another involved. During President Bill Clinton’s depositions about his sexual activities with his intern Monica Lewinsky, we learned about distinguishing characteristics relative to the unusual curvature of his penis. Testimonies given by several other women identified a mole on his pole.”
“So the Clintons were the first to make a presidential penis an object of American history,” Trump said.
“And they’re not done yet,” he continued. “In one way or another Hillary Clinton continues to use anatomical references to remind people that she’s a woman. Her underlying message is, ‘I got boobs. I got curves. I have a birth canal. So vote for me.’”
“Disgusting,” he said.
Clinton gained the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the nomination on Monday night. Most media outlets and opinionated pundits prefer to say that she “clinched the nomination” because they want to sound just like each other. It makes them feel accepted and part of a club.
However, news organizations called the race for Hillary Clinton based on support from superdelegates — establishment insiders such as party hacks and elected officials who pledged to vote for her instead of Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders.
Sanders says he believes a number of superdelegates are likely to change their minds due to the major string of recent victories the Senator has enjoyed.
“Clinton cannot win all the states we won, but we can beat Trump in every state we won and those that Clinton won,” Sanders said. “The superdelegates are seeing that it is clear that I am the only candidate that can defeat Trump in November.”
“I am remaining in this race until every last vote is counted,” Sanders said.
“Bernie’s got balls,” Trump said concerning the Vermont Senator’s determination to win over superdelegates.
“Apparently, I’m the only candidate in this race who is not using boobs or genitals for political gain,” he said.