Clinton to Plagiarize Emancipation Proclamation

 

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Noticing the massive publicity Melania Trump enjoyed after being accused of plagiarizing Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton announced she also plans to “repurpose some good copy.”

A statement released by the Clinton Campaign on Wednesday indicated Mrs. Clinton has been reviewing Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation “to determine relevant parts she can lift that fit into today’s America.”

In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Clinton detailed what she meant by “today’s America.”

“You know, Anderson, the Emancipation Proclamation was truly a great speech, but it’s fairly one-sided as it measures up against today’s society,” Clinton said. “And I am sure if President Lincoln were here today, he would both endorse me, and would want to make sure the speech contained elements that not only please those of us who enjoy white privilege, but also reaches to the heart and the concerns of the Black Lives Matter movement, peace-loving Muslims regardless of whether they wish to harm us, illegal immigrants of all nationalities, police reform activists, and of course, the LGBT community.”

Cooper reminded Clinton that he is openly gay and appreciates that she believes President Lincoln would defend his right to enjoy naked horseplay with other men.

“Well, Anderson, that’s what friends are for,” Clinton said with a smile, and a wink, and a sparkle in her eye.

“Are you Dionneifying me?” Cooper chuckled.

“Hey don’t forget, we also have Elton in there as well, so perhaps I’m Johnifying you?” Clinton said.

“I’m not sure how I feel about being call a john, although it certainly would not be the first time. But let me say this: Elton was and remains a great leader and role model for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I give no small credit to his sacrifice in laying the foundation for men like me to not only come out my mother’s closet, but doing so wearing one of her latest fashions.”

“You know, Cooper, if I’m elected president—and of course I will be as I’ve already told the American people all they want hear—I plan to name you as this great country’s first Mayor of the Gay Community,” Clinton said.

Cooper became so choked up with tears that CNN was forced to take an unscheduled commercial break.

Editor’s note: Special thanks to followers Lisha DeRycke Hallek and Stef Aneli for their valuable assistance in helping me craft, edit, and plagiarize this report. 

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