Clinton blames tainted water for Michigan loss

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It was a vote heard round the world.

Hillary Clinton was supposed to win Michigan. The former Secretary of State enjoyed a commanding 21 point lead going into the Wolverine State’s primary election.

Senator Bernie Sanders, a self-avowed socialist from Vermont, who lists bankers, baristas and opponents in pantsuits as a few of his least favorite things, defeated Clinton by about two percentage points.

“We are going to continue to whip our opponent’s tuchas throughout the entire rustbelt,” Sanders told supporters.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was quick to take notice.

“If Bernie can talk tuchas, I can sing schlong,” Trump said in a radio interview.

How did this happen?

Mrs. Clinton’s strong support among unions and hitmen throughout the Rust Belt and her recent stance on the City of Flint’s water crisis all but guaranteed she would win Michigan’s primary by a wide margin.

“As I said earlier this month, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder should resign or be recalled, although I never heard of him before the Flint water situation became an opportunity for my campaign,” said Mrs. Clinton bobbing her head and doing that curled finger pointing thing to remind voters of her husband Bill.

“I know from very credible sources that Mr. Snyder himself ordered Flint’s Emergency Manager to stand down when his team discovered high levels of lead in the city’s water,” she continued.

“I blame Snyder and those damned Republicans for what happened during the election, and I am asking Michigan’s Secretary of State to hold back from certifying the election results until there is a fair, full, and accurate recount of the votes along with a medical examination of all those who cast their ballots.”

When asked by a Flint Journal reporter to clarify why she is calling for a medical examination of voters, she said, “We suspect a high percentage of voters who live, work, or have visited Flint over the past few months have lost their capacity to reason due to drinking the city’s water.”

“Look, the people of Mississippi voted for me the same night,” she continued. “I mean, c’mon…if they can figure out the right thing to do, certainly the people of Michigan, under normal circumstances should be able to as well.”

Despite the former First Lady’s surprise loss, her campaign along with establishment Democrats continues to feign optimism for Clinton’s candidacy.

Clinton’s former boss, Barack Obama, called the loss a “bump in the road” and said that he remains confident in Clinton’s ability to secure the Democratic nomination and ultimately win the White House.

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