Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

Déjà Vu: It’s Those Damned Emails Again

Clinton Spotted Deleting Post-Election Emails

Earlier this month, Hillary Clinton was spotted alone at breakfast in upstate New York, clutching her phone with two hands, sad eyes gazing at its screen.

Sad eyes, turn the other way
I don’t want to see you cry
Sad eyes, you knew there’d come a day
When we would have to say “goodbye”

Minutes after the photo was tweeted, armchair psychologists across the U.S. determined how she was feeling (forlorn, obviously). After all, anyone who’s seen a friend go through a bad breakup knows the look well.

Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we, could we?

In addition to deleting batches of emails that piled up over the election, Hillary has soothed her spirit through a more wholesome, time-honored practice among carpet-bagging New Yorkers: a slow stroll in the woods. What better way to numb the pain caused by recent disappointments than hiking alongside eager picture-posting fans and a husband who happened to occupy the very position you lost?

And though the election was lost, recovery was bittersweet. A young mom and her baby had the opportunity to be photographed with the first woman to lose a presidential election. A grieving candidate was comforted knowing that those who voted for her were still with her. And of course, Bill being who he is, savored the moments of snapping photos of a hot young mom in yoga pants.

Lean on me, when you’re not strong, And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on …For it won’t be long… ‘Til I’m gonna need Somebody to lean on…

Yoga Chicks are Easy, Study Finds

 

yoga easy

If you have not yet found your heart’s desire, perhaps you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places.

One globally respected organization hints that while some still seek the opposite sex at bars during happy hours, searching for the same at yoga studios is more likely to result in happy endings.

A new survey from the Pew Charitable Trusts entitled “Yoga Chicks are Easy” reveals that women who are active yoga participants are four times as likely to jump into instant romantic relationships than those who are not.

The survey found a driving need for attention to be a dominant link between yoga and promiscuity.

“Yoga girls typically post pictures of themselves in various poses so that their social media friends will think they’ve actually mastered something important,” noted Carolyn Crier, Ph.D, who chairs the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania.

“There is no question these women are attention-seeking missiles,” added Sandy Hotchkiss, author of Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. “They put on an act as if they are so cool, but are really nothing more than insecure girls whose tender little emotional minds live and die based upon what other people think.”

“There is a common misconception among college age girls and housewives that if you stuff your cellulite-ridden buttocks into a pair of yoga pants, you’re going to look hot,” said John Nelson, author of An Introvert’s Guide to Attracting Women “Nothing could be furthest from the truth. All this does is set off hormonal signals within men who are happy to fry any fish they can catch.”

Nelson adds the men these women attract are “here today, gone later today.”

“In fact, I wouldn’t really label them men,” Nelson said. “Perpetual adolescents would make a better bet fit. Back in the day, it wasn’t the kill, but the thrill of the chase that real men sought. Today’s loser wants to meet a girl, get her in bed, then take off in his fart-can adorned Honda Civic to the next ditz who believes she’s his one and only. These guys usually wear baseball caps backwards and follow the beard trend, indicating they too are insecure.”

Dr. Crier cautions us not to be too harsh in our judgment of yoga chicks.

“After all, like anything in life, it all boils down to mating,” Crier said. “Yoga chicks who often coin the term ‘Namaste’ are basically saying ‘the egg in me digs the sperm in you.’”

“There is no question that yoga plays an important role in keeping the earth populated,” she said.

yoga pants wifeCasualties caused by yoga pants are rising at an alarming rate on suburban roadways and housing developments throughout the United States. In 2015 alone, Yoga Pants were responsible for nearly 1,000,000 more traffic accidents than drunk driving, texting, and following asleep at the wheel combined.