Trump Adds NFL To Travel Ban

 

“Keep ’em the hell home!” 

Those were the five words President Donald J. Trump uttered as he signed an executive order adding NFL teams to his controversial travel ban.

“Even Lee Greenwood must be ashamed to be an American after watching those thugs drop to their knees as if they were in some LGBT locker room,” Trump said, referring to the NFL players who knelt in protest at various games throughout the country Sunday. “Those bums are no heroes. They’re a bunch of overpaid, tattooed, unbathed hippy skanks with the morals of Al Qaeda Operatives or Clinton Campaign volunteers if you ask me.”

Trump’s Executive Order, called the “Real Men Don’t Kneel With Other Men Act,” adds NFL teams to a growing list of countries from which travel to the United States is forbidden. Since the NFL players are already located in the United States, the Real Men Act includes a specific provision that prevents NFL team players known to “bend the knee, bend over, or sport hairstyles that look like a bison’s rectal fuzz from traveling together for the purpose of playing professional football.”

“Chad, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Somalia, Syria, Venezuela, Yemen, and now the NFL needs to learn that if you want to play in the United States, you are going to play by the rules,” Trump said, blowing his nose into a Know Your Rights camp tee-shirt.

“I’ve got a country to run, hurricane-ravaged destination points to repair, and insults to tweet,” Trump said. “I don’t have the time to argue with a bunch of little girls in NFL uniforms on their knees like some late night-lady down on 42nd street. Ill-gotten booty’s not my style. Let them follow their butt-fuzz-headed leader straight to unemployment. Fire the sons of bitches!”

Sources close to Kim Jong-un indicate he is considering launching a nuclear attack on America in retaliation for Trump including Colin Kaepernick on the same list as North Korea.

“Apparently, dictators are capable of undergoing moments of morality when provoked,” said U.S. Senator John McCain who sometimes feigns the role as a hero from the Vietnam War.

Schumer wants Irish, Italian, and Indians on Travel Ban

Schumer calls for stronger travel ban

NEW YORK — A tearful Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is urging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Indian nationals to the U.S. Travel ban.

“It has long been an established fact that the Irish are boisterous drunks who often start barroom brawls,” Schumer said. “There can be no question that undocumented Irishmen significantly contribute to domestic terrorism.”

Schumer added that the Irish are often behind police corruption.

“Look at the police in New York City,” Schumer said. “Every time a Mc-something is in charge of the force, you can bet there is bribery and extortion going on somewhere. And, the Irish cannot be trusted. There is no question we have enough of those redheads in this country. We don’t need more.”

“Then you have those Italians,” Schumer added, bursting into song:

“DAY-GO, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY-GO….Dago comes, slaps his chick and goes home…If her brother’s upstate for about six to eight, that’s a dago….!”

Being brought back on queue by one of his staffers, Schumer cleared his throat and said, “When a guy’s name ends with a vowel, trouble is not far. Believe me, the mafia is alive and well, and I am certain the President will agree with me. Those Italians are nothing but trouble, what with their gangs, drug lords, and forcing honest Oriental merchants to pay protection money. These guys need to be thoroughly vetted and bathed a few times before we let them into our country!”

The Senate Minority Leader finally turned the conversation to Indians.

“Indians just look guilty,” Schumer said. “I’m not sure what it is they’ve done, but their faces give them away. Have you ever seen an Indian that doesn’t have that guilty look?”

“Besides, ever get stuck behind a clan of them at the farmers market?” Schumer asked. “They’re always bargaining, trying to get a better deal. It’s a silent but deadly attack on our economy. And why do they all have to go to the market together? For Pete’s sake, who is guarding the village?”

In closing, Schumer again encouraged President Trump to include the Irish, Italians, and Indians on the U.S. travel ban list, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.