NFL Players to Honor LGBT Community on Both Knees

Following the widespread media coverage pro athletes throughout the NFL attracted over the past few weeks, free agent Colin Kaepernick is calling on players to once again “take a knee” — this time in support of the LGBTQ community.

“I am calling on every NFL player, coach, and team player to get on both knees and lock arms during the national anthem in support of the LGBTQ community,” Kaepernick said at a press conference in San Francisco.

The press event was held at “The Stud,” a five-star gay nightclub, which the birthplace of the legendary drag show “Trannyshack.”

During the press conference, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Kaepernick what motivated him to call on players to stand behind the LGBTQ community.

“I’m not taking any homophobic heckling in the form of questions until I am done speaking, so why don’t you sit down and shut up?” Kaepernick quipped.

“Excuse me, sir, but I happen to be a celebrated gay man and Gloria Vanderbilt’s son, so not only am I gay, I grew up surrounded by the world’s most refined homosexual and lesbian role models of our time,” Cooper said.

“Sorry man, I was just trying to imitate President Trump, but I guess you just didn’t get the joke,” Kaepernick said. “But you asked a fantastic question. Really terrific. The reason why I am calling on everyone to take both knees and lock arms to support gay guys like you is simple: I got a real kick out of watching everyone follow my legacy over the past few weeks. I mean, people are like sheep. They really do have that herd mentality, and nobody wants to be on the outside, you know?”

“So, I’m going for the gays,” Kaepernick continued. “They are like the hot trend right now. Everybody is either gay or wants to be gay. It’s the in thing. Or, on a good night, the in and out thing.”

“And when you think about it, the gay man has been oppressed for too long,” Kaepernick continued. “It’s time someone knelt down and did something nice for him…and I don’t mean in the way he’s used to having that done. Anderson, can you imagine on Sunday, you’re spooning with your partner, or whatever you are calling each other these days, and you see all these NFL people on their knees in your honor?”

Oh I like it, like it, like it,” Cooper shouted out with glee.

“What a funky lady!” Kaepernick responded, hip-bumping Anderson.

“Colin, I’d like to make a special request, if I may,” Cooper said. “I love the idea of taking a knee, especially since two knees will be involved. But could we also add ‘take a shower?’ I would love if everyone would just do another encore after the game by kneeling and locking arms in the shower. I promise to give the guys special coverage.”

Sources close to Kaepernick indicate the quarterback ran from the press conference, gripping his hair, muttering repeatedly, “God help me, what have I done?”

Trump Adds NFL To Travel Ban

 

“Keep ’em the hell home!” 

Those were the five words President Donald J. Trump uttered as he signed an executive order adding NFL teams to his controversial travel ban.

“Even Lee Greenwood must be ashamed to be an American after watching those thugs drop to their knees as if they were in some LGBT locker room,” Trump said, referring to the NFL players who knelt in protest at various games throughout the country Sunday. “Those bums are no heroes. They’re a bunch of overpaid, tattooed, unbathed hippy skanks with the morals of Al Qaeda Operatives or Clinton Campaign volunteers if you ask me.”

Trump’s Executive Order, called the “Real Men Don’t Kneel With Other Men Act,” adds NFL teams to a growing list of countries from which travel to the United States is forbidden. Since the NFL players are already located in the United States, the Real Men Act includes a specific provision that prevents NFL team players known to “bend the knee, bend over, or sport hairstyles that look like a bison’s rectal fuzz from traveling together for the purpose of playing professional football.”

“Chad, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Somalia, Syria, Venezuela, Yemen, and now the NFL needs to learn that if you want to play in the United States, you are going to play by the rules,” Trump said, blowing his nose into a Know Your Rights camp tee-shirt.

“I’ve got a country to run, hurricane-ravaged destination points to repair, and insults to tweet,” Trump said. “I don’t have the time to argue with a bunch of little girls in NFL uniforms on their knees like some late night-lady down on 42nd street. Ill-gotten booty’s not my style. Let them follow their butt-fuzz-headed leader straight to unemployment. Fire the sons of bitches!”

Sources close to Kim Jong-un indicate he is considering launching a nuclear attack on America in retaliation for Trump including Colin Kaepernick on the same list as North Korea.

“Apparently, dictators are capable of undergoing moments of morality when provoked,” said U.S. Senator John McCain who sometimes feigns the role as a hero from the Vietnam War.

Clinton says Opioid Addiction Crisis is not her Fault

Speaking in front of the American Medical Association’s annual convention on Friday, former Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said she is not to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis. “As you can see in my new book, What Happened, I would have won the election if it weren’t for the incompetence of approximately 25 distinct groups and individuals,” Clinton said. “I had the right message, the right campaign, and ran at the right time.”

“If I was elected President of the United States we would not have an opioid addiction crisis—and you know I won the popular vote by millions,” Clinton continued. “One of my first acts after the inauguration would have been to legislate addiction out of mainstream America. Rather than deporting Mexicans and DREAMers, I would send drug addicts and junkies to Venezuela where they can get all the illicit drugs they want. President Trump, who, by the way is also to blame for my loss, has been soft on addiction.”

During a post-speech interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out to Clinton that nobody said she was to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis.

“Oh well you know, Anderson, they eventually get around to blaming me for everything so I just was being a little proactive, you know?” Clinton fired back.

“Mrs. Clinton, your book boldly accuses a number of groups for your surprise defeat,” Cooper said. “Do you feel that you may bear any blame for your loss?”

“You know, Anderson, I would have been America’s first openly gay president and I campaigned hard on LGBT issues,” Clinton said. “These days, it’s obvious that half of America is either gay or has some kind of celebrated perversion. The numbers are staggering. I feel that community also let me down. They’re so big in “coming out.” Yet, they did not come out in enough numbers for me. So, no, this is loss is none of my doing.”

“Mrs. Clinton, as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “In fact, I’m so gay that I’ve won numerous awards and recognitions for my lifestyle. I think I speak on behalf of the entire LGBT community in expressing gratitude for your pioneering work on our behalf. But I’m a little confused about your claim that you are openly gay. Could you elaborate?”

“Well, as you know, Anderson, Toni Morrison referred to my husband as America’s first black president, and obviously he’s Caucasian on the surface, but there’s no question he’s a black man on the inside,” Clinton said. “I’m obviously married to a male, but given Bill’s propensity to bone anything with a pair of breasts, my heart over time has become gay, and my pantsuits are a reflection of my transgender tendencies.”

“You go girl…er, boy!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Cash me ousside, how bow dat?” Clinton said, fist bumping Anderson before she broke into a high speed twerk against his crotch.

Brokaw on Millennials: Dumbest Generation

tom_brokaw_01

In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

  • Water comes from bottles
  • Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art
  • People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects
  • The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future 

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

Elizabeth Warren Says She is a Man, Mulls 2020 Presidential Run

Senator says, "I don't know what I am, a woman or a man..."

SPRINGFIELD, MA – Dec 2: Elizabeth Warren speaks during the 2016 Massachusetts LGBT Convention, held at the MassMutual Center in Springfield. (Photo by Aram Boghosian/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)

As President Trump begins his first full day in the Oval Office, U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Massachusetts) has begun her path to becoming the 2o2o Democratic presidential nominee.

Her platform?

Warren announced she is a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

“I do not consider myself a lesbian or transsexual, it’s just some kind of biological thing,” Warren said. “And, I really have no sexual desire at all. I just am.”

“I consider it a gift,” Warren continued. “Being top heavy on the testosterone side gave me the strength to battle Trump on Twitter.”

Warren said due to her facial and vocal composure people often mistake her for being male.

“I’m used to it,” Warren said. “Wherever I travel people greet me as Mr. Warren, phone operators call me ‘sir’, and my husband sleeps in the other room.”

Warren is a strong advocate for the LGBTQ community. She sees her manliness as advantageous when reaching out to that group.

“Being a lady that looks like a dude has its advantages, especially as you know the ladies room line is longer at ball games,” Warren said. “So I just skedaddle on over to the men’s room, grab a stall, and squat. Nobody knows the difference otherwise.”

Elizabeth Warren Accused of Holding a “Publicity Stunt”

Rightwing theorists such as Breibart News were quick to condemn Warren’s remarks as an attempt to help Bruce “Caitlyn Jenner” renegotiate his contract after his show “I am Cait” was canceled. Several news sources and polling agencies indicated people were just too grossed out over a former male who is a presumed Olympic star and confirmed cereal box hero parading around as a lady.

“This whole tranny thing has gone too far and I’m glad to see that America is slowly returning to normality,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said during an interview with Fox News.

McConnell represents Kentucky, one of the few states in which whipping gays tied to telegraph poles remains legal.

McConnell let out a belly laugh when asked about Warren’s recent announcement.

“I’m not going to comment on that nut’s publicity stunt,” McConnell said. “Hillary used Lizzie up and then threw her away when she named that chubby guy from Virginia as her VP candidate. Warren is nothing more than an attention-seeking missile. She will say or do anything to keep herself in the press, especially now that she has her eye on running against President Trump in 2020. Next thing you know she’ll claim she still gets her period.”

A statement from Warren’s office referred to McConnell as “a rightwing evangelical douchebag who’s heading toward a nervous breakdown because he’s about to lose his job when the Democrats sweep the senate in 2018.”

McConnell replied, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, and Warren’s face will always hurt me.”

Trump Considers Supreme Court Nominees

President Elect Narrows Short List to Replace Scalia

Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.

After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.

Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”

Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees: 

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”

Bill Clinton: “No Fat Shaming and no Interns for me”

fat shaming and clinton women

Politics makes strange bedfellows – but it doesn’t get any stranger than a multigenerational threesome.

Hillary Clinton would like to put her husband’s infidelities behind her. But, allegations of Donald Trump’s fat shaming former beauty contestants have made bringing Monica Lewinsky out of the bedroom closet a matter of political convenience.

“My husband never discriminated against women of any shape, size, or sexual stamina,” Clinton said, enunciating in mockery, staaaaa-naaaah-maaah. “A mirror over our bed is the only glass ceiling Bill supports. But that mirror exists to promote, not demean women.”

“Bill will be too busy making America great again to be bimbo bouncing when I’m president,” Mrs. Clinton said.

Mrs. Clinton’s remarks come on the heels of her husband signing a pledge to tell her no lies and keep his hands to himself, fat shaming or not.

Bill Clinton has vowed a “hands-off-the-interns policy” in a Madame Clinton White House.

“I will not have sexual relations with those women,” Clinton said in a recent interview with Playboy Magazine. “Nor will I engage in any activity others might attempt to define as a sex act.”

A Playboy bunny bent over in front of Clinton to refill his teacup as he made the statement. His eyes bulged as he locked his gaze below her neck.

“Let’s clarify a key point because Republicans will be hanging on my every word in order to ‘get me’ once I become First Lady,” Clinton said. “I was elected president a quarter century ago. Back yonder, I was a young pup. I have since moved on to admiring women in their 40s including a few postmenopausal mommas.”

“Back then I did the Tube Steak Boogie, but I’m now into prime rib,” the former president said.

The interviewer pointed out to Clinton that he referred to himself as the eventual “First Lady” and suggested he meant “First Gentleman.”

“Who the hell you calling a gentleman?” Clinton exclaimed lunging at the interviewer in an attempt to grab him by the neck.

Realizing what he had done, Clinton calmly sat back down and gently apologized.

“Hillary and I support the LGBT movement even though we opposed those queers when I was president,” he said. “So we decided in honor of the transgenders across this great nation, I will assume the title of First Lady. But I did not engage in fat shaming then, nor will I now.”

“You know what that means, right?” Clinton snickered.

“It means I get to use any ole bathroom I please, just like they do at Target,” he said. “So when I’m at some fancy hotel and I see a cutie with that ‘come hither’ look about her go into the ladies room, I’m following after her!”

After the interview concluded, Clinton autographed several Playboy bunnies’ breasts, leaving nonchalantly with one bunny while humming Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator.”

Going down…” he sang to himself as the doors closed.

Obama Orders Military to Offer Gay Merchandise

 

obama gay flag

WASHINGTON, D.C.— U.S. President Barack Obama ordered the armed forces to begin offering LGBTQ-sensitive civilian military merchandise—or face serious budget cuts. The measure goes into effect October 1, 2016.

By law, Mr. Obama is permitted to bypass the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate due to the Congressional summer recess if he identifies a state of emergency.

“Anytime any peaceful group’s civil rights are violated, a state of emergency is present,” Obama said. “It is wrong and discriminating that the LGBTQ community cannot enjoy military merchandise that reflects their sexual preferences, while others can enjoy stockpiling these items.”

Obama’s Executive Order covers, but is not limited to, bumper stickers, shirts, and hoodies. Furthermore, all action figures sold by the military must include extra sets of gender-specific clothing so that children can cross-dress soldiers, sailors, and marines. Due to logistical reasons, the military has until December 1 of this year to offer these items, which Obama says is critical to complete for the Christmas shopping season.

Following are a few examples in Mr. Obama’s order:

  • Items reflecting language such as “Proud Parent of A Soldier” must be complemented by an equal stock of items that say “Proud Parental Partner of A Soldier” or an equivalent.
  • “Proud Air Force Mom” must be matched up with “Proud Air Force Lesbian Parent” or an equivalent.
  • “I love my Marine” must be matched up with “My Partner and I love my Marine.”

U.S. Law requires a 30-day public-comment period regarding any change in language commanded by Presidential Executive Order relative to products sold by the military to civilians through an authorized independent 3rd party selected by the president. Public comment is non-binding, but will be given utmost consideration by the president.

Parties who wish to make comment should call the president’s public relations agency Sylvia Marketing & Public Relations at 610-323-3500, and ask for Ken Kilpatrick between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm EST, Monday through Friday.

Target to Host “Take A Tranny to Work Day”

 

targetAfter announcing it will allow customers to use the restroom of their choice, Target has taken the measure one step further.

In an internal memo, Target officials announced that the company has designated July 5 as “Take A Tranny to work Day.” The event will be held at all Target locations throughout the United States.

Target CEO Brian Cornell said, “This is yet another important measure to demonstrate Target’s support for the LGBT community and their families.”

Cornell estimates that nearly 80 percent of Target’s employees are either transsexual or know someone who is.

“Clearly, the vast majority of Americans know someone who does not know which sex he or she is,” said Cornell. “Even when you take out from the equation the majority of Millennials who feel they either have to be a transsexual or gay to be cool, the numbers are outstanding. The vast majority of us know a transsexual. We need to be more inclusive, celebratory, and eager to learn from this amazing subculture.”

Target employees who bring a transsexual to work during the event will have the opportunity show them how the store operates and interacts with customers. Visiting transsexuals will be given tours of both the men’s and ladies’ rooms and the opportunity to try the different apparatuses each restroom offers.

“I can’t wait to squat into a men’s urinal,” said Janelle Kepler, a college junior who recently realized that she is a man. “I’m not going to get a sex change—not yet at least—so it will be exciting to test my flexibility on the men’s toilet.”

John Reamers of Enola, Pa, is ecstatic even though he says he’s a heterosexual at the moment.

“I’m just excited that I can pretend to be a tranny so I can use the women’s room to get a peak at some hot chick with her pants down,” said Reamers. “I applaud Target for giving perverts like myself free views of naked women and hard working pedophiles access to little girls.”

In addition to the day’s events, Target plans to provide customers 25% discounts on items intended for the opposite sex.

“There will be something for everyone,” said Cornell. “Just remember to bring the kiddies!”

Hillary: Major Announcement

clinton trump

NEW YORK – Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said she is in the final stages of adopting a campaign message.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to announce her message at a press conference before California primary voters hit the polls on June 7.

A recent Rasmussen report revealed the majority of likely General Election voters believe Clinton’s message is two part:

  1. “I’m running for president of the United States.”
  2. “Donald Trump is unfit to be president.”

“I’ve been supporting Hillary because she’s a woman,” said Marsha Rankin of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. “I am so excited to learn what her platform is. No matter what, I’m with her!”

Sources close to the Clinton campaign have hinted Clinton’s message will be threefold, aiming at the following issues.

  1. White Men Can’t Govern – Clinton is a firm believer that women are the stronger gender and that Caucasian men are “sexist, racist, and as seen on TV, stupid.” Clinton points out that her husband was the last white guy to have any sense at all and that he is expected to play an active role in the White House, far away from the interns.
  1. Bill Clinton Isn’t a Liability – Hillary will emphasize that her husband is not the “new Dan Quayle” and is totally capable of measuring curtains, cleaning bathrooms, and making the bed regardless with whom he last spent the night. Hillary will also rebut Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s mantra that she was an enabler to Mr. Clinton’s sexual escapades. “I take offense that Donald Trump calls me an enabler. That rhetoric clearly demonstrates that Trump is sexist as I didn’t need Bill’s help in ruining any bimbo’s life.”
  1. Vote for me and not Trump – Mrs. Clinton plans to send a clear and compelling message that she would make a great president and that Trump would not. “Donald Trump is a sexist, bigot, and LGBT-ahobe and I’m none of those,” she said. “I have proof. The American people just don’t have the stomach for the likes of Trump. I’m likable enough.”

While it’s not clear exactly when Mrs. Clinton will make the announcement, she plans to evade further debates with Senator Sanders in the interim.

Trump Revises Supreme Court Nominee List

 

trump victory signAfter taking heat for the eleven Supreme Court nominees Trump said he is considering to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Antonin Scalia, the billionaire threw out that list and created the following.

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the tub. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy is doing a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring on Bernie is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsberg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsberg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her face sags, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the presumptive Republican nominee could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. Besides, she will be the first sitting justice to be arrested, which would be a fabulous example to America’s children that you can’t run away from trouble. There ain’t no place that far. But if we do it right at the speed of light, there’s a motorcade for my car – caviar!”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has got more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “She’s a freaking know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justices to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour.”

Nancy Pelosi: “Trump won’t be President”

 Pelosi bets Trump won't be elected president

Former Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes she can see the future.

On Kara Swisher’s “Recode” podcast, the California Democrat said, “You know what, it ain’t happening. Donald Trump is not going to be president of the United States. Take it to the bank. I guarantee it.”

Swisher asked Pelosi which bank she would recommend given that a number of financial institutions collapsed during Pelosi’s rule as House Speaker.

“You and I both know those failures were the result of Republican policies and the lack of transgendered bathrooms within banks,” Pelosi said.

Wiping a tear, Pelosi added, “I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard from constituents about being forced to go potty behind ATMs because of this.”

Turning the conversation back to the election, Pelosi said that all Republicans “are either sexists, bigots, or card carrying porn shop patrons.”

“Even before Trump came on the scene Congressional males like Speaker Ryan have long tolerated horrible statements… some of them worse than Donald Trump, without even commenting, because they get votes in conservative districts and backward states like Kentucky,” Pelosi continued.

Swisher asked the former House Speaker if her support for Clinton was based on the fact the candidate is a woman.

“Not at all,” Pelosi said. “You know, rumor has it Elizabeth Warren will be her running mate. Like most people, I have no clue if the senator is male or female. You can’t tell by looking at her. What really matters is that Trump is stopped.”

“You seem to be more anti-Trump than you are pro-Clinton, and I noticed you haven’t endorsed Hillary—why is that?” Swisher asked.

“Trusted sources close to the FBI investigation indicate Mrs. Clinton might be the presumptive arrestee,” she said. “Once she gets Warren on the ticket, however, I can make the endorsement as my bases will be covered.”

Moving from the candidate to the platform, Swisher asked Pelosi which of Mrs. Clinton’s policies she supports.

“I’m not sure—we have to elect Hillary to find out what’s in her policies,” Pelosi said.

Trump scoffed at Pelosi’s predication that he would not be elected.

“I think it’s safe to say the octogenarian’s crystal balls are dragging,” Trump said as he tweeted an insult about Elizabeth Warren while relieving himself behind a New York City ATM.

Neutered Cat Not Sure Which Litter Box To Use

 

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female's Box

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female’s Box

ROLLA, MISSOURI — As the national debate rages on about how equal rights should apply to the transgender community, a Siamese cat named Pat is wondering where he fits in.

“Pat the Cat,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is neutered. The McMillan family who lives in Rolla, Missouri rescued Pat from a shelter three years ago.

While tearing up the newspaper, Pat the Cat saw an article about whether transgendered high school students should be permitted to use whichever restroom or locker room they please.

Distracted by a bird that flew by the kitchen window, Pat the Cat left the shredded newspaper on the floor for the McMillans to clean up as he perched on the counter to watch his prey.

Pat is the only neutered pet of the McMillan’s five cats. The other cats consist of two males and two females, one of which is pregnant.

A few hours later, Pat had to pee. His tail erect, he made his way to the litter box underneath the stairs. Pat had gravitated toward that box since he was adopted, as did the other two male cats. The female cats typically used the litter box in the laundry room.

As he rounded the corner, it hit Pat like a whiff of catnip: Pat became super-aware that he no longer had some of his male parts.

Pat the Cat became confused.

“Pat began scratching at the door to go out like our dog Simon,” said Trey McMillan, Pat’s owner. “It took us awhile to catch on, but after watching Pat for a few days, we noticed he would not use his own litter box. He also started pacing back and forth in front of the girl cats’ litter box, so we called the vet.”

Rolla Animal Hospital referred the McMillans to a nearby pet psychologist who quickly determined Pat was suffering from an identity crisis.

“Because your cat is neutered, she feels that she is now a female, and therefore should be using the female litter box,” said Dr. Keaton.

“You mean ‘he’,” Mr. McMillan said, correcting the doctor.

“No, I meant ‘she’,” the doctor replied. “Your family needs to accept Pat’s change in life regardless of what her birth certificate says. Begin by referring to Pat as “her” and “she.” Have a talk with your family and the other cats about acceptance and love.

“We just didn’t know what we didn’t know,” McMillan told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Our family has always been very accepting of others, basically because we are spineless. But standing for nothing always got us by. Better to go with the flow than get your nose punched in.”

Holding back tears, Cooper told the McMillans that he too sometimes questions his identity and was proud of the family for being so tolerant of Pat the Cat’s life change.

While the McMillans quickly accepted Pat’s new identity, the other cats were not ready to do so.

Miffie, the pregnant cat, protested that if Pat were allowed to tinkle about the girl’s litter box, there would be nothing to prevent other male cats from doing the same.

“Devious tomcats will pretend they believe they are girl cats trapped inside male bodies so they can get access to our kittens,” she meowed.

The American Trans-Pussy Cat Association issued a statement rebuffing Miffie’s complaint.
“There is no evidence pointing to the fact that males will pretend to feel they are trans-pussies so they can get into kitties’ boxes,” the statement read. “The kind of hatred espoused by Miffie can no longer be tolerated.”

The Trans-Pussy lobby is supporting legislation that will mandate harsh criminal penalties for anyone who tries to keep male cats out of female pussycat facilities “under the guise of protecting mother cats and their young.”

Caitlyn Jenner wants to Transition back to a Man

Caitlyn Jenner

Bruce Jenner in 2010 and 2015 on cover of Vanity Fair

Caitlyn Jenner regrets transitioning from male to female. Citing trusted sources close to Jenner, Ian Halperin told The Wrap that he is considering switching back to a male “in the next couple years.”

Halperin said while doing research for his book “Kardashian Dynasty: The Controversial Rise of America’s Royal Family,” sources indicated Caitlyn Jenner began to rethink being a woman after suffering a prolonged yeast infection.

Not Easy Being a Girl 

The cost of being a woman also has Jenner miffed.

“You wouldn’t believe what I am spending on cosmetics, clothes, and panties,” Jenner confided in Halperin. “After crunching the numbers with my CPA, we decided that there would be substantial cost savings if I could grow my penis back.”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Halperin if Jenner gave him permission to disclose his new sex change plans. Halperin answered, “a secret is something you tell one person at a time.”

Cooper announced a few years ago that he made the distinction of being the first openly gay newscaster with funny eyeglasses. During the interview, he told Halpern that he too was considering a sex change.

“One source told me Jenner has had whispers of ‘sex change regret,’ hinting he might go back to being Bruce,” Halperin told the entertainment website.

The biographer said Jenner has either got to be demon possessed or on the same medication that took Prince’s life as it’s not normal to hear whispers.

Caitlyn Jenner or Not – Still Digging the Ladies 

Apparently the 66-year-old Jenner still has some testosterone swimming through his veins as he is having thoughts of “getting out in the field and putting the mule in the stable.”

“Jenner still digs women and wants to meet a hot one,” Halperin stated. “I just think he wants to hump everyone, male or female.”

“Who is going to want a man whose boy parts became girl parts and back to boy parts again?” comedian Mike Myers asked. “I would imagine his thingy would become a bit stringy.”

Panic is the Major Motive 

The idea that Jenner has second thoughts over what goes on where the sun doesn’t shine is nothing new. When Jenner disgraced the cover of Vanity Fair, he described panic attacks following the transition.

“It ain’t easy living like I’m freaky, tell you honey how I feel,” Caitlyn Jenner said of his panic attacks. “However, I really prefer to call the attacks hissy fits. My children think it’s hysterical when I say that and it kind of calms me down.”

Jenner’s physician could not be reached by press time as he was under FBI interrogation for prescribing Prince medication.

Transgender Lobby: Change White House spouse title to “First Person”

 

tranh

Citing unfairness to their feelings as well as the civil rights of millions of Americans, The National Center for Gender Equality has issued a statement indicating its leadership is a bit miffed that the title for a U.S. President’s spouse remains “First Lady.”

“It’s not fair, it’s just not fair!” said Mara Keisling, Executive Director for the National Center for Transgender Equality. “We believe the title should be ‘First Person’ so the President’s partner is not pinned down to a title, particularly if she or he, or both, like as in ‘we,’ might change gender roles upon occasion or daily like our intern Pat.”

In a sit down interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked if Keisling if the call for changing the title is because she foresees a “First Husband” in the White House after the General Election.

“Well,” Keisling said, pensively rolling her eyes toward the ceiling, tapping her right cheek with her forefinger, “you know, I just wouldn’t be surprised. As a nonprofit 501 (c) (3), we cannot endorse any candidate or anything political like that. But I have to say, and am empowered to say, Hillary is the only candidate who has expressed total support for transgender men, or men pretending to be transgender, to go into public restrooms that little girls and women use.”

Letting out a belly laugh and playfully slapping Cooper on the knee, Keisling said, “Did you like how I used the word empower, Anderson? I just love using that word whenever I interview! It’s really so much of who I am.”

Neither Keisling nor Cooper could be reached at press time to confirm which sex they were during the interview.

The Modern Language Association (MLA) opposes the title change. In a statement, MLA President K. Anthony Appiah said that “First Person” has already been designated as a classification of pronouns, possessive determiners, and verb forms, according to whether they indicate the speaker first person, the addressee second person, or a third party third person.”

Appaiah could not be reached at press time to confirm whether he favored vowels over consonants and to give comment on why he abbreviates his first name.

The National Center for Transgender Equality’s website states, however, that all components of language have a right to equality and should be treated the same and should be permitted to become any form, tense, or part of speech they feel they were truly created to represent.