Trump Considers Supreme Court Nominees

President Elect Narrows Short List to Replace Scalia

Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.

After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.

Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”

Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees: 

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”

Trump Revises Supreme Court Nominee List

 

trump victory signAfter taking heat for the eleven Supreme Court nominees Trump said he is considering to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Antonin Scalia, the billionaire threw out that list and created the following.

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the tub. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy is doing a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring on Bernie is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsberg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsberg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her face sags, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the presumptive Republican nominee could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. Besides, she will be the first sitting justice to be arrested, which would be a fabulous example to America’s children that you can’t run away from trouble. There ain’t no place that far. But if we do it right at the speed of light, there’s a motorcade for my car – caviar!”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has got more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “She’s a freaking know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justices to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour.”

Trump tells Cruz and Kasich to Come out of the Closet

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Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump laughed off an ironic alliance between Ted Cruz and John Kasich with a three-word response: “dead and desperate.”

A FOX News Real Time poll shows the majority of U.S. millennials did not understand Trump’s carefully chosen line was a play on the 1994 comedy movie Dumb and Dumber.

Other pollsters concur with FOX’s findings but a number of them add that millennials do not understand much at all to include movies they recently saw or that it’s ok not to tip for takeout food.

“Lyin’ Ted and Mini Van Mama Kasich are mathematically dead and totally desperate,” Trump tweeted after the announcement of the Cruz-Kasich alliance.

A press release from Trump called the alliance “a horrible act of desperation from two closet pals who have horribly failed.”

When asked by a CNN reporter he meant by “closet pals,” Trump replied:

“They’re a pair of gay guys, I tell ya! Get ‘em the hell out of here!”

After calming down, Trump fixed his collar and added with a smile, “There’s a bright spot for everything, though. I get a belly laugh just picturing those two cowboys at some good ole’ honky tonk doing the do-si-do with each other. They need to come out of the closet.”

The Cruz and Kasich campaigns made their announcement in Philadelphia, during which each tried to make the case that Trump has an outdated toupee and chronic halitosis.

Cruz was quick to point out he could be trusted as he looks like Bruce Patrick, the lad who played Eddie on The Monsters. Kasich added that he too bears a famous resemblance: John Denver. The Ohio Governor whipped out an acoustic guitar and began plucking Rocky Mountain High.

The duo kept in perfect harmony until the chorus when Cruz’s voice petered out as he labored in vain to sing the high notes. Kasich grimaced because that is what esteemed gentlemen of his deportment and stature are expected to do.

The simultaneously released statements announced that Kasich would pull out of Indiana to give Cruz “a clear path” ahead of that state’s winner-take-all primary May 3, while the Cruz campaign will “clear the path” for Kasich in Oregon, which votes May 17, and New Mexico, which votes June 7.

“The only clear path these clowns have is from my fist to their noses the next time I see them,” Trump said.

Cruz Blasts Secret Service for Protecting Trump

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GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz denounced the Secret Service for protecting Donald Trump, who was forced to cancel a scheduled Chicago rally. Cruz said the Secret Service  engaged in a “a planned intervention” that was “professionally done.” He blamed Trump for not doing the right thing, which would have been to order the Secret Service to “stand down.”

“This is a clear obstruction of the First Amendment by interfering with those who wish to have their voices heard by killing Trump,” Cruz said.

Cruz’s accusations came right after Trump refused to apologize for his rhetoric at his rallies, one of which was interrupted when a man tried to rush the stage. Secret Service officers protected the GOP front-runner, who was unharmed.  It was unclear if Trump’s hair was disheveled by the event or if he was having a bad hair day.

“Using the Secret Service to protect Trump is furthermore a clear abuse of taxpayer money and simply the wrong thing to do,” Cruz said.

Clashes broke out Friday night between protesters and Trump supporters after the campaign announced the rally would be canceled more than 30 minutes after it was scheduled to start. Hundreds of protesters with nothing to do packed into the University of Illinois at Chicago venue for the rally, prompting the campaign to call off the event.

The protests and fights in Chicago were the latest in a string of increasingly heated and at-times violent confrontations breaking out at rallies for the front-runner in the Republican presidential race. And they come as Trump has repeatedly suggested protesters along with Ted Cruz should face more violent repercussions for disrupting his rallies.

“We’re all together and we want to get along with everybody, but when they have organized, professionally staged wise guys we’ve got to fight back, and schlong them across the stadium if necessary,” Trump said Saturday in Dayton.

As he did the previous night in a round of phoned in TV interviews, Trump didn’t walk back any of his rhetoric Saturday. He again claimed that neither the tone of his campaign nor his supporters were to blame for any violence at his rallies nor the early spring weather.

“They want me to tell my people please be nice be nice. My people are nice, as measured against the standard of New York values, ” Trump said Saturday.

Early Saturday afternoon, Trump’s campaign issued a statement about the Chicago rally, saying that Chicago police, as well as Secret Service and private security firms, “were consulted, totally involved, and paid off as mandated by Chicago municipal statutes” in the decision to cancel the event.

Man tries to rush stage

While Trump was speaking in Dayton, Ohio the following day, a man dressed as a bird screaming, ““Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!” tried to jump a barrier behind the stage in an apparent effort to confront the GOP front-runner. He was quickly blocked by Secret Service officers, and members of Trump’s security detail along with his personal valets rushed to cover him. Officials have not yet revealed the man’s identity, but there is widespread speculation among the Trump campaign that Marco Rubio may be the masked man.

Rubio could not be reached for comment, nor could he be located, which further stirred the speculation.

When asked about the ordeal during an on-air interview about the ongoing to dispute between Trump and Cruz, presidential candidate John Kasich shook his head and replied, “You know, I’m really getting too old for this crap.”

 

 

Breaking News: Trump Names Fiorina as his Vice Presidential Running Mate

fiorina trump

After giving former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton a tongue lashing that pranced like poetry and sang like a song during Thursday’s debate, Carly Fiorina announced she is suspending her candidacy.

A press release from Fiorina’s campaign indicated that she is stepping down as she expects to be named as Trump’s running mate.

“As I said in the debate, Hillary Clinton cannot be president of these United States,” Fiorina said. “But I have also concluded that no woman should be president. Except for me, after I serve as Mr. Trump’s vice president.”

Trump immediately tweeted, “Carly, you got the gig! This will be huge!”

Other Republican presidential candidates were quick to condemn the move.

“Carly needs to shut up, get back to her kitchen, and start mopping,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He then later apologized for being insensitive to Mr. Clean and other great American housekeeping icons that have a history of donating cleaning supplies to states after the occurrence of a major disaster, such as New Jersey’s election of former Governor Jim McGreevey.

Senator Ted Cruz accused Fiorina of feigning “wholesome Iowa values” to manipulate next week’s caucuses.

Emails leaked from Clinton’s homebrewed server indicate panic among her campaign staff.  One email from a high ranking staffer called for an emergency meeting to develop talking points that will label Fiorina as an unmitigated misogynist. The email also recommended that Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones be brought in as advisers.

During the debate, Fiorina revealed that she, like Mrs. Clinton, has traveled hundreds of thousands of miles across the globe. Taking aim at Clinton’s legacy of showing up at various places, Fiorina noted that such travel was an activity, not an accomplishment.

Congressional Republicans have called on the Justice Department to investigate how Mrs. Clinton cashed in on the credit card reward points she earned during official travel.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz who represents Florida’s 23rd Congressional District and serves as Chair of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), said during a morning news show, “The Republicans are once again playing theatrics because they do not have any candidate that can defeat Hillary in November.”

Trump was quick to threaten Ms. Schultz. “If Debbie wants to play that card, I’m going to bring out evidence that she was once a man.”

Schultz could not be reached for comment by press time.