Clinton: Trump Will Be A Great President

Former Opponent Says Trump Won Election "Fair and Square"

Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”

“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”

“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”

Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.

“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”

“You don’t say,” Cooper said.

“I do say,” Clinton said.

“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”

Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.

“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.

“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”

“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”

“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”

Helping Companies Cater to Millennials

 

Pollack, centered, is flanked by a few millennials

“Millennial Workplace Expert” Lindsey Pollak has launched a startup whose mission is to help experienced executives to better understand and cater to younger workers.

In a recent Wall Street Journal interview, Pollack said the most important step employers must take is to simply lower their expectations of millennials.

“This is a new generation that is used to zero accountability, and companies need to embrace that,” Pollack said. “Corporate managers and business owners will experience greater job satisfaction and less disappointment if they don’t expect much from this unique subculture in the first place.”

Pollack says once companies adjust their expectations, they should employ the following techniques to maximize their enjoyment of what some call the “Dumbest Generation.”

Understand you are the Problem, Not the Millennial

“Millennials are a special, gifted generation unlike any before,” said the 41-year-old Pollack who refers to herself as a ‘proud Gen-Xer.’

“They have amassed an incredible amount of knowledge in a short time from Xbox, Facebook, and exchanging nude selfies on Snapchat,” she continued. “Those interactions alone trump corporate managers’ years of study, training, and career experience. We can learn so much from them.”

Pollack later apologized for using the word “trump” as it might offend millennials whom she says all support Bernie Sanders.

“The old ways of doing business, earning profits, and making deals are child’s play compared to what millennials bring to the table,” she said. “If you feel you are not benefiting from the millennials you have on staff, you need to look in the mirror.”

Pollack said frequent naps, smoothie breaks, and personal social media engagements on company time are just a few of a millennial’s favorite things that add value to a business’s bottom line.

“Managers and employers need to concede to millennials’ way of working,” she added. “Remember, you old people come from an era of workplace violence and going postal. Millennials are too distracted to waste time hating on anyone. Learn from them.”

Be a Friend, not a Boss

Pollack says she fully understands the need for corporate hierarchy to a degree, but that requiring millennials to report to anyone over the age of 29 does more harm than good.

“The best workaround for this situation is to become friends with your millennial employees,” she said. “Help them pick out their next tattoo. Buy them naptime pillows with a personally embroidered message in emojis that show you care. Purchase a ping pong table and play a few matches each day during work hours.”

“Just be sure to let them win,” she added.

Time, Love, and Tenderness

“Time, love, and tenderness” is an 80s hit that aging employers would recognize although their millennial counterparts likely won’t,” Pollack joked. “But those elements are critical.”

“Relative to time, millennials don’t relate to time,” she pointed out. “Do not give them grief for coming in late or packing up 15 minutes before the day’s end.”

Love is also a major factor, she continued.

“It takes a village to mother a Millennial,” Pollack said. “Nurture them as if they were your own children and give them praise even when they cost you business. This is a fragile generation and it is your responsibility not to hurt their feelings.”

And tenderness, she says, is the name of the game.

“There’s so much rhetoric about ending political correctness these days, which is the wrong way to go,” said Pollack. “Always mince words, beat around the bush, and be patient enough to let the millennial come to the right conclusion about anything they do wrong.”

“Handle them with care or you will get a well-deserved lawsuit for hurting the wrong millennial’s feelings,” she concluded.

The Wall Street Journal mentioned in Pollack’s article that more than 400 LinkedIn users list themselves as a “millennial expert” or “millennial consultant.”

The U.S. Department of Labor, however, classifies them as “unemployed hopefuls.”

“These are the same clowns who previously called themselves ‘community activists.’ After that it was ‘storyteller.’ And now these evaders of real jobs are suddenly millennial experts and consultants,” said U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez.

“Cut me a break,” he said, rolling his eyes.