Trump Considers Supreme Court Nominees

President Elect Narrows Short List to Replace Scalia

Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.

After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.

Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”

Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees: 

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”

Sadiq Khan: “Fatwa on Donald Trump”

khan trump

London, U.K. – Sadiq Khan, London’s newly elected mayor, has issued a “fatwa” on Trump’s candidacy for the billionaire’s position on protecting America against Islamic terrorists.

Khan, whose historic win made him the first Muslim to be elected mayor of a major European city without violence, said he’s had it up to his turban with Trump’s “tirades against the peaceful loving Jihadists of Islam.”

Khan made the comments after Trump said he might consider exempting the new mayor from his proposed ban on Muslims entering the United States.

“Donald Trump is an ignorant infidel who has blasphemed the Most High Allah!” Khan said. “His ignorant view of Islamic Jihadists could make both our countries less safe. It risks alienating Muslims around the world and plays into the hands of women and Christians.”

Khan rejected Trump’s offer that he could be an exception to the proposed Muslim travel ban, saying: “This isn’t just about me — it’s about my friends, my family, my mom’s clerics and my daddy’s Imams, and everyone who uses both peace and violence to ensure Islamic diversity!”

Trump Mocks Sadiq Khan at Rally 

At a rally in Sissonville, West Virginia, Trump responded to Mayor Sadiq Khan’s remarks by displaying a parody on a PowerPoint screen as the Oak Ridge Boys led the audience of inbreds, good ole boys, and coal miners in laughter and song:

“London Bridge is blowing up,

Blowing up, blowing up,

London Bridge is blowing up,

My mayor’s crazy!

Blow it up with bombs in cars,

Bombs in cars, bombs in cars,

Blow it with bombs in cars,

My mayor’s crazy!

Terrorists will make it break,

Make it break, make it break,

Terrorists will make it break,

My mayor’s crazy!

London Bridge is blowing up,

Blowing up, blowing up,

My mayor’s crazy!

U.S. President Barack Obama “sides with Sadiq”

“I stand with Mayor Khan,” Mr. Obama said. “America is a nation of second chances. I have proudly pardoned a number of convicts because the people they killed are dead anyway. We should demonstrate the same compassion to repentant Islamic Jihadists who want to come to America. Terrorists who show remorse and are willing to apologize for their work deserve a new beginning. Furthermore, Jihadists who have not yet committed offenses against the United States or even France should in no way be prevented entry into our great country.”

Trump shrugged off Obama’s comments as hypocritical.

“The guy’s an uncircumcised Philistine,” Trump said. “Probably an Al Qaeda operative. But there is no question he’s a Muslim. I’m sure it’s on his birth certificate.”

Clinton Refrains from Commenting 

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton would not issue a comment stating that as a woman the Koran forbade her from chiming in to remarks made by a Muslim holding political office.

Khan showed immediate appreciation to Clinton for her deference and respect.

“I’m with her!” he tweeted.