President Trump Calls for Media Term Limits

Trump CPAC Photo

President Donald J. Trump announced at CPAC 2017 his plans to enact media term limits.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has called on Congress to establish media term limits, a maneuver seen by top political analysts as a strategic move as he advances in his war with the press.

Trump made the announcement last week to a cheering audience during Friday’s CPAC conference.

“We are going to build a legislative wall that will stop the media’s abuse of power,” the President said. “And I will make The New York Times pay for that wall.”

During the conference, Dr. Ben Carson said he agreed with the need to curtail the media. Carson also confirmed he is African-American when asked by a CPAC participant during the Q&A session.

“The power of the press is so germane to the Constitution, it is addressed in the First Amendment,” Trump said, inadvertently holding up his pocket thesaurus rather than his Bill of Rights booklet. “However, the media has clearly abused its power, and it is our responsibility as leaders of this great nation to put an end to that abuse.”

“As president, I am limited to two terms, which is very unfortunate on one hand because I am a great leader,” Trump continued. “On the other hand, it is fortunate that my predecessor was term-limited as the guy would have made not only more of a wreck of these United States, but would have made a bigger mess within White House itself. It seems like every day, we’re still finding cigarette butts, paper wads and other garbage strewn about the place from all the parties and what-not that guy hosted.”

Trump said he would send Congress a detailed proposal by March 31. Highlights from that proposal will include:

  • Political commentators: 5-10 years, whichever comes first
  • Newspaper opinion writers: 2-year terms, maximum of five terms
  • Political beat reporters: 2-year terms, maximum of two terms
  • Political round table contributors: 1-year term to be followed by immediate waterboarding

Trump also suggests that staff writers for Vox, Huffington Post, and Slate and other venues of massive fake news sources serve a mandatory five-year federal prison sentence prior to employment.

Trump Considers Supreme Court Nominees

President Elect Narrows Short List to Replace Scalia

Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.

After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.

Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”

Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees: 

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”

Republicans Riot over Trump’s Appointee

republican protestsrp

President-elect Donald Trump announced Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), will be his chief of staff.

“Dammit to hell!” Walter Hitchcock, a Pennsylvania-based Trump supporter said at a recent press conference. “We elected Trump because we hate Hillary’s guts and because we’re sick of the establishment. Reince is totally emblematic of the establishment. He hung out with the Bush family and Senator Lindsey Graham. Probably also hung out in a few fag bars, if you know what I mean. Just look at the guy.”

“Might as well call him ‘Reince the gay prince’ if you ask me,” Hitchcock added, spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.

Hitchcock and other middle-class Republicans took to suburban housing developments and upscale shopping centers in sometimes violent riots. In Hitchcock’s hometown of Wyomissing, PA, rioters smashed windows at a local mall complex, vandalized cars in the parking lot, and threw Starbucks latte cups at police.

“Many of us feel disenfranchised and betrayed,” Bob Watson, Grand Dragon of the North Carolina-based Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and owner of a national brokerage firm said. “It is inconceivable that our President-elect would yield to the establishment, appointing one of their own to the highest post in his administration. What’s next, Governor Christie for Attorney General?”

CEOs in corporate campuses throughout the United States are providing safe spaces complete with puppies and coloring books for executives who are mourning the appointment.

To date, neither President Obama nor President-elect Trump have stepped forward to ask Republicans to stop the violence and to protest peacefully.

 

Monica Lewinsky Donates Blue Dress to Smithsonian

 

lewinsky clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C.—More than two decades have passed since Monica Lewinsky was hired as a White House intern. After fulfilling that position, Lewinsky advanced her way up through the Clinton Administration as an employee of the White House Office of Legislative Affairs. During that time, President Clinton broadly interpreted Lewinsky’s responsibilities in “legislative affairs” to include engaging in executive affairs. Lewinsky gladly accepted, although that position would require her to begin from the ground up.

Lewinsky was delighted to perform all duties that came with the job, both covert and undercover. This led to longer and harder working hours to include evenings and weekends. As a result, the pair developed a personal relationship, although according to Mr. Clinton, he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Clinton was not always an easy boss to work for, having a reputation for blowing his lid from time to time. During these incidents, he would often retire to the restroom in an effort to cool down and prevent from blowing up in the presence of his underling.

After one such incident, however, Clinton managed to leave traces of semen on a blue dress Lewinsky owned. That dress was entered into oral evidence and hard testimony during investigations held by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr and became the focus of media reports and the butt of many jokes.

About a decade after Clinton’s impeachment, the government was forced to return Lewinsky her dress, which she has kept under lock and key in an undisclosed location. But because of the historical significance and magnitude of the article of clothing as it relates to Clinton’s prosecution, Lewinsky has recently agreed to release ownership of the dress to the Smithsonian Institution.

“Ms. Lewinsky feels that donating the dress to the Smithsonian is necessary to preserve an important element of American history,” said Lewinsky’s publicist Jennifer Caldwell.

On last week’s Meet the Press, Chuck Todd grilled Mrs. Clinton about the donation.

“This remains a deeply touchy issue for our family, and to this day I find it very hard to swallow that the Republicans aren’t behind this,” Mrs. Clinton replied.

‘The timing is at the very least suspect,” she said.

Hillary: Major Announcement

clinton trump

NEW YORK – Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said she is in the final stages of adopting a campaign message.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to announce her message at a press conference before California primary voters hit the polls on June 7.

A recent Rasmussen report revealed the majority of likely General Election voters believe Clinton’s message is two part:

  1. “I’m running for president of the United States.”
  2. “Donald Trump is unfit to be president.”

“I’ve been supporting Hillary because she’s a woman,” said Marsha Rankin of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. “I am so excited to learn what her platform is. No matter what, I’m with her!”

Sources close to the Clinton campaign have hinted Clinton’s message will be threefold, aiming at the following issues.

  1. White Men Can’t Govern – Clinton is a firm believer that women are the stronger gender and that Caucasian men are “sexist, racist, and as seen on TV, stupid.” Clinton points out that her husband was the last white guy to have any sense at all and that he is expected to play an active role in the White House, far away from the interns.
  1. Bill Clinton Isn’t a Liability – Hillary will emphasize that her husband is not the “new Dan Quayle” and is totally capable of measuring curtains, cleaning bathrooms, and making the bed regardless with whom he last spent the night. Hillary will also rebut Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s mantra that she was an enabler to Mr. Clinton’s sexual escapades. “I take offense that Donald Trump calls me an enabler. That rhetoric clearly demonstrates that Trump is sexist as I didn’t need Bill’s help in ruining any bimbo’s life.”
  1. Vote for me and not Trump – Mrs. Clinton plans to send a clear and compelling message that she would make a great president and that Trump would not. “Donald Trump is a sexist, bigot, and LGBT-ahobe and I’m none of those,” she said. “I have proof. The American people just don’t have the stomach for the likes of Trump. I’m likable enough.”

While it’s not clear exactly when Mrs. Clinton will make the announcement, she plans to evade further debates with Senator Sanders in the interim.

Ryan: Trump Stirred Feelings In Me

Ryan Trump Tryin'

House Speaker and Presumptive Republican Nominee Trump Bond During Meeting

Washington—Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan held their highly anticipated meeting Thursday amid signals that the Republican Party will work to unite.

What some may consider a more interesting takeaway was Ryan’s shift in what he called “feelings” for Trump.

“We were honest about our few differences, but most importantly, we bonded over our similarities, to include our personal feelings,” Ryan said. “I’m not sure what has come over me. I have never felt this way about another man. I wish I could explain it better. I think whatever is stirring inside of me drove my initial resistance toward Trump. Perhaps I have contracted Trump appeal.”

Paul Ryan: Time, Love and Tenderness

Ryan, speaking with reporters during his weekly press briefing, sought to portray his personal and political openness to Trump, despite withholding what sources close to the speaker say will be his imminent endorsement.

“This is our first meeting, I was very encouraged, but this is a process,” Ryan said. “Because love is a process, and honey, love is love. It takes some time. You don’t put it together in 45 minutes any more than you would get married after the first date. However, I fully understand Democrats will hop in the sack minutes after meeting each other, which is why America is plagued with sexually transmitted diseases.”

Ryan Moves Closer to Trump’s Platform

The speaker called Trump’s achievement of earning more votes than any Republican candidate in history “really kind of unparalleled and somewhat sexy.” He added that perhaps this demonstrates Trump’s idea to keep Islamic terrorists out of the country is “not such a bad idea since we have enough people here anyway.”

Ryan said he hopes to channel the momentum for the presumptive nominee into support for a conservative agenda as well as a deep and meaningful relationship with the billionaire.

“The question is … how we unify it all?” Ryan said. “And where do broken hearts go? How do we keep adding and adding and adding voters while not subtracting any voters. Most Americans and London’s Islamic mayor do not like where this country is headed.”

Trump tweeted his thoughts during an act of marriage with his wife Melania as their plane taxied on the runway before taking off for New York, “Great day in D.C. with @SpeakerRyan and Republican leadership. Things working out really well! #MrsTrump’sRump.”

“I thought it was a great meeting,” Trump said in a Thursday evening Fox News interview with Sean Hannity. “Size does matter, by the way, just like Marco mentioned during the debates. Speaker Ryan’s ears are huge! And I like that.”

Trump suggested the two sides would eventually come together, even if that means they must come grooving up slowly.

Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton tweeted, “@realDonaldTrump has got to be a joker, he just do what he please.”

 

Carole King to Paul Ryan: Stop Using my Lines

 

carole king

Carole King, 70s superstar, performer and author, has warned US House Speaker Paul Ryan, to stop using her lyrics in reference to Donald Trump.

“We shouldn’t just pretend our party is unified when I know it is not,” the Wisconsin Republican said yesterday in an interview.  “We just can’t fake it.”

Carole King joins chorus of objecting musicians

King produced the 70s smash hit song, “It’s Too Late.” The verse she accuses Ryan of lifting says, “Something inside has died and I know that I just can’t fake it.”

“When in the Sam Hill are these stupid Republicans going to stop stealing artists’ work, you know?” a barefooted King said at a press conference outside the Betty Ford Clinic.

King joins a few recent voices against Trump’s use of their work at campaign rallies. Most recently, Aerosmith Lead Singer Steven Tyler penned an essay about copyright courtesy to Donald Trump.

“I’m not trying to make a political statement or saying I support Bernie because he’s my New England homeboy,” Tyler said. “But The Donald’s wife, I have got to say, is twee-diddly-dee-to the zippity zee-dee-lectable!”

The Rolling Stones also asked Trump to discontinue using their music at rallies, but it was unclear at press time if Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are really still alive.

Talks between Trump and party officials slated

Ryan, the nation’s highest-ranking GOP official, who holds the distinction of having the largest-sized ears on Capitol Hill, sent the Republican Party into a tailspin when he said that he was not ready to back Trump.

Trump is scheduled to talk with Ryan and senior House and Senate GOP leaders. It is expected the group will discuss strategies to unify the party, potential vice presidential nominees, and Hillary Clinton’s silly looking pantsuits.

Sources close to Ryan indicate the Speaker plans to grab Trump by the locks to put to rest the question of whether the billionaire sports a toupee.

Ryan said his decision to share his doubts about Trump came out of a “gut impulse.” Ryan later conceded that his impulses are not always right, referencing his decision four years ago to join Gov. Mitt Romney as his vice presidential running mate.

“It’s going to take more than a week to unify this party,” Ryan said citing picnic plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend and his plans to take his family to Disneyland over the summer. Sources close to Ryan’s mother indicate the Speaker is still brokenhearted about his primary loss to Trump and the large slate of Republicans he ran against.

Ryan concluded he hoped the GOP would unite by November to defeat Hillary Clinton.

King does not think the GOP can unite by Election Day.

“It’s too late baby, it’s too late,” King said.