Trump Adds NFL To Travel Ban

 

“Keep ’em the hell home!” 

Those were the five words President Donald J. Trump uttered as he signed an executive order adding NFL teams to his controversial travel ban.

“Even Lee Greenwood must be ashamed to be an American after watching those thugs drop to their knees as if they were in some LGBT locker room,” Trump said, referring to the NFL players who knelt in protest at various games throughout the country Sunday. “Those bums are no heroes. They’re a bunch of overpaid, tattooed, unbathed hippy skanks with the morals of Al Qaeda Operatives or Clinton Campaign volunteers if you ask me.”

Trump’s Executive Order, called the “Real Men Don’t Kneel With Other Men Act,” adds NFL teams to a growing list of countries from which travel to the United States is forbidden. Since the NFL players are already located in the United States, the Real Men Act includes a specific provision that prevents NFL team players known to “bend the knee, bend over, or sport hairstyles that look like a bison’s rectal fuzz from traveling together for the purpose of playing professional football.”

“Chad, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Somalia, Syria, Venezuela, Yemen, and now the NFL needs to learn that if you want to play in the United States, you are going to play by the rules,” Trump said, blowing his nose into a Know Your Rights camp tee-shirt.

“I’ve got a country to run, hurricane-ravaged destination points to repair, and insults to tweet,” Trump said. “I don’t have the time to argue with a bunch of little girls in NFL uniforms on their knees like some late night-lady down on 42nd street. Ill-gotten booty’s not my style. Let them follow their butt-fuzz-headed leader straight to unemployment. Fire the sons of bitches!”

Sources close to Kim Jong-un indicate he is considering launching a nuclear attack on America in retaliation for Trump including Colin Kaepernick on the same list as North Korea.

“Apparently, dictators are capable of undergoing moments of morality when provoked,” said U.S. Senator John McCain who sometimes feigns the role as a hero from the Vietnam War.

Clinton to Host “Afro-Centric” Picnics

Clinton Plans African American Picnics

Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton announced she will host “Afro-Centric Picnics” throughout September. The announcement follows a New York Times report entitled “Young Blacks Voice Skepticism on Hillary Clinton, Worrying Democrats.”

“Trump is trying to make voters believe he’s gaining ground with African Americans,” Clinton said. “As Toni Morrison said, my husband was America’s first black president. It was Bill’s groundwork that enabled Barrack Obama, a young first-term senator to be elected president. The African American community remains thankful and loyal to Bill for being their first president. And they are prepared to express that gratitude by voting for me in droves on November 8.”

Another indicator that Clinton is losing momentum among African American voters is a series of articles by left leaning political analysts that her post-convention bounce has flattened. For example, RealClearPolitics.com recently ran an article penned by Nate Silver, political analyst and founder of 538.com, entitled “As Race Tightens, Don’t Assume Electoral College Saves Clinton.” The article says Clinton no longer has a clear path to the White House through traditional battleground states. Silver is renowned for his accuracy in predicting the outcomes of a number of major elections. After successfully calling the outcomes in 49 of the 50 states in the 2008 U.S. Presidential election, Silver was named one of The World’s 100 Most Influential People by Time. Although he relies on statistics to call the races he analyzes, Silver clearly leans far left.

Silver said social media has made polls unreliable as “an ungodly number of voters form opinions on headlines alone.”  He pointed to a recent article about Trump hosting such picnics. The article’s headline caused a huge uproar.

“People jumped to conclusions and posted outrageous comments simply over the headline,” Silver said. “Had they taken the time to read at least the first few paragraphs, they would have quickly discerned that the article was satire. Instead, they forwarded the piece through their social media accounts causing a proliferation of confusion and strife.”

“Such nonsensical behaviors cannot be factored into polls’ margins of errors, often leaving us with terribly skewed data,” Silver added. “This issue is so huge, Trump could be heading toward a landslide victory come November for all we know. Or Nate Silver, for that matter.”

Silver predicted that a similar number of people will fly off the handle over this satirical piece you are now reading as they did on the article on Trump. He added that if you actually read through this article to its finish, “you should be given the right to vote multiple times on Nov. 8.”