Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

You’re not a Sissy for Crying over Hillary’s Loss

College campuses across the US are setting up “Safe Cry Zones” and bringing in therapy puppies for students and professors who are devasted that Hillary lost and Donald won. We here at RealClear Satire want you to know that it’s OK to cry. You’re not a sissy!

Assailant Blames Small Penis for Trump Attack

 

trump attack

Donald Trump’s planned rally in Chicago Friday was canceled last week due to a protestor who now admits that he not only has anger in his heart: he has anger in his pants.

Jedidiah Brown was pulled from the event stage. He’s part of an organization called Young Leaders Alliance, which he uses as an outlet to vent his personal angst and to meet young women.

“Having gotten into the middle of the rally, I completely felt hated, I completely felt unsafe, I felt that everyone knows I have a small penis,” Brown told the press. “So it became my mission to shut it down because this can’t go on in Chicago.”

Brown indicated that he has long since struggled with his masculinity because of what he perceives to be unfair physical deficiencies and has tried with no success to compensate for the shortcomings.

“I’ve taken yoga, you know, done the “Namaste” thing, gone for nature walks with suburban folks, even done horseback riding,” Brown told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “I was even thinking about buying a Harley Davidson like rednecks with small penises do, but I couldn’t secure the financing for a new bike.”

Asked why size would drive him to such extreme behavior, Brown held back tears as he continued.

“To be perfectly honest, this is a world gone very wrong for me,” he said. “It’s not a race or hate thing. But it is my birthright to be well endowed. I got cheated. Everyone on the team made fun of me in the locker room saying I’m built like Jim Carey or some other dude you know ain’t got the goods.”

Trump, who recently suffered a widely publicized small-appendage insult by opponent Senator Marco Rubio, said that Brown’s candor made him “think about the reality of things.”

“I long ago learned that ‘hurt people hurt people’,” Trump told Meet the Press. “When I am elected president, I will ask congress to earmark a portion of healthcare funding to ensure that young men like Brown get the help they need before it’s too late.”

Brown said at press time that he was not aware of Trump’s remarks.

“Regardless of what’s going on South of the Border, I am, at heart, a real man, which is what women and the American people really want in a guy,” Brown said. “If Trump were to come clean about be anatomically shortchanged, I might even consider voting for him.”

“That’s what the power of protest is all about,” Brown concluded.