Clinton: Trump Will Be A Great President

Former Opponent Says Trump Won Election "Fair and Square"

Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”

“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”

“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”

Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.

“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”

“You don’t say,” Cooper said.

“I do say,” Clinton said.

“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”

Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.

“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.

“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”

“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”

“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”

Sanders: I’ll turn the lights out on Daylight Savings Time

 

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Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders decried Daylight Saving Time after arriving slightly late for a press interview Sunday.

“Even I was thrown off this year—I never saw it coming,” Sanders said. “I guess I didn’t get the memo that it was time to turn the clocks forward.”

Sanders said that he had been mulling the issue over since college, and plans to use the power of the Presidency to end what he calls a ridiculous exercise in time manipulation.

“I’ve yet to meet anybody who says he or she likes getting cheated an hour of sleep every spring,” said Sanders.

Sanders believes he already has sweeping support in making the change.

“Most of my supporters already barely can make it out of bed on time as it is,” said Sanders. “From spoiled millennials who still live with their parents, to pot smoking hippies who need till noon to get moving, or octogenarians with one foot in the grave, most of my supporters, and in fact, many of Mrs. Clinton’s supporters, want to see Daylight Savings Time abolished. As president, I will turn out the lights on this silly ritual.”

In a telephone interview, Mrs. Clinton chuckled at the idea and said she agrees with Sanders.

“I’ll have to admit, I’m feeling ‘the Bern’ on this issue,” she said with that bright-eyed smile even conservatives have come to admire.

Adding a little humor to the mix, she alluded to the extended bathroom break that caused her to return to a debate late in December.

“Lord knows, I need the powder room time after a good night’s sleep,” she quipped.

Clinton then hinted that she would take the measure one step forward and lower the freezing point to twenty degrees Fahrenheit.

Assailant Blames Small Penis for Trump Attack

 

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Donald Trump’s planned rally in Chicago Friday was canceled last week due to a protestor who now admits that he not only has anger in his heart: he has anger in his pants.

Jedidiah Brown was pulled from the event stage. He’s part of an organization called Young Leaders Alliance, which he uses as an outlet to vent his personal angst and to meet young women.

“Having gotten into the middle of the rally, I completely felt hated, I completely felt unsafe, I felt that everyone knows I have a small penis,” Brown told the press. “So it became my mission to shut it down because this can’t go on in Chicago.”

Brown indicated that he has long since struggled with his masculinity because of what he perceives to be unfair physical deficiencies and has tried with no success to compensate for the shortcomings.

“I’ve taken yoga, you know, done the “Namaste” thing, gone for nature walks with suburban folks, even done horseback riding,” Brown told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “I was even thinking about buying a Harley Davidson like rednecks with small penises do, but I couldn’t secure the financing for a new bike.”

Asked why size would drive him to such extreme behavior, Brown held back tears as he continued.

“To be perfectly honest, this is a world gone very wrong for me,” he said. “It’s not a race or hate thing. But it is my birthright to be well endowed. I got cheated. Everyone on the team made fun of me in the locker room saying I’m built like Jim Carey or some other dude you know ain’t got the goods.”

Trump, who recently suffered a widely publicized small-appendage insult by opponent Senator Marco Rubio, said that Brown’s candor made him “think about the reality of things.”

“I long ago learned that ‘hurt people hurt people’,” Trump told Meet the Press. “When I am elected president, I will ask congress to earmark a portion of healthcare funding to ensure that young men like Brown get the help they need before it’s too late.”

Brown said at press time that he was not aware of Trump’s remarks.

“Regardless of what’s going on South of the Border, I am, at heart, a real man, which is what women and the American people really want in a guy,” Brown said. “If Trump were to come clean about be anatomically shortchanged, I might even consider voting for him.”

“That’s what the power of protest is all about,” Brown concluded.

Clinton blames tainted water for Michigan loss

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It was a vote heard round the world.

Hillary Clinton was supposed to win Michigan. The former Secretary of State enjoyed a commanding 21 point lead going into the Wolverine State’s primary election.

Senator Bernie Sanders, a self-avowed socialist from Vermont, who lists bankers, baristas and opponents in pantsuits as a few of his least favorite things, defeated Clinton by about two percentage points.

“We are going to continue to whip our opponent’s tuchas throughout the entire rustbelt,” Sanders told supporters.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was quick to take notice.

“If Bernie can talk tuchas, I can sing schlong,” Trump said in a radio interview.

How did this happen?

Mrs. Clinton’s strong support among unions and hitmen throughout the Rust Belt and her recent stance on the City of Flint’s water crisis all but guaranteed she would win Michigan’s primary by a wide margin.

“As I said earlier this month, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder should resign or be recalled, although I never heard of him before the Flint water situation became an opportunity for my campaign,” said Mrs. Clinton bobbing her head and doing that curled finger pointing thing to remind voters of her husband Bill.

“I know from very credible sources that Mr. Snyder himself ordered Flint’s Emergency Manager to stand down when his team discovered high levels of lead in the city’s water,” she continued.

“I blame Snyder and those damned Republicans for what happened during the election, and I am asking Michigan’s Secretary of State to hold back from certifying the election results until there is a fair, full, and accurate recount of the votes along with a medical examination of all those who cast their ballots.”

When asked by a Flint Journal reporter to clarify why she is calling for a medical examination of voters, she said, “We suspect a high percentage of voters who live, work, or have visited Flint over the past few months have lost their capacity to reason due to drinking the city’s water.”

“Look, the people of Mississippi voted for me the same night,” she continued. “I mean, c’mon…if they can figure out the right thing to do, certainly the people of Michigan, under normal circumstances should be able to as well.”

Despite the former First Lady’s surprise loss, her campaign along with establishment Democrats continues to feign optimism for Clinton’s candidacy.

Clinton’s former boss, Barack Obama, called the loss a “bump in the road” and said that he remains confident in Clinton’s ability to secure the Democratic nomination and ultimately win the White House.

Rubio Says Super Tuesday shows he will be Nominee

 

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After winning Minnesota in Tuesday’s multi-state primary known as Super Tuesday, Marco Rubio declared he will be both the Republican Nominee and the next President of the United States.

Stepping up to the podium, Rubio exclaimed, “Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!”

A hushed silence fell upon Rubio’s supporters.

An anonymous  source close to the campaign told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that the candidate’s earpiece picked up television interference, which apparently was aSpeedy Gonzalez rerun. The source also confided that a campaign aide helps Rubio with talking points through the earpiece when the candidate gets flustered and needs information beyond his canned responses.

Clearing his throat, Rubio told supporters that by winning Minnesota, his campaign has turned a corner to a path that will lead to victory.

Rubio was quick to dismiss a pundit who pointed out that he lost ten of the eleven states holding a Republican primary on Tuesday, and that Cruz was the candidate who gained the most momentum by picking up more states  than expected.

“Unfortunately, I don’t believe America has progressed far enough to elect a Hispanic candidate, which will not bode well for Mr. Cruz,” Rubio said.

A FOX News reporter was quick to correct the candidate: “But Mr. Rubio, you yourself are Hispanic!”

Rubio fired back, “Don’t you dare play the race card with me!”

Taking a massive gulp of bottled water, Rubio cleared his throat and continued his speech.

“Look, now is the time to become united, not divided,” he said. “The fact is, I have the wind at my back.”

Republican front runner Donald Trump later commented he was disgusted by “[Rubio’s] apparent reference to having a case of flatus gas.”

During his victory speech, Rubio said Minnesota is emblematic of all America.

“As Minnesota goes, so does goes the country,” he said. “It’s just that people there are very nice and wholesome. I feel that most of America is nice and wholesome as well, or is striving to be as such, including those with New York Values. And as Jeb Bush pointed out before suspending his campaign in preparation of becoming a member of my Cabinet, Donald Trump is a jerk. Minnesotans do not elect jerks for president. They like nice people like me. America will follow the North Star State’s lead.”

“Our victory tonight proves that I am the only Republican who can defeat Mrs. Clinton in November,” Rubio said.

“Hillary does not look presidential, especially in those hideous pantsuits she tends to wear,” Cruz continued. “Sometimes she even resembles Ronald McDonald. At a recent debate she looked like a cross between the Yellow Submarine and Mao Tse-Tung. And another time she looked like that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box.”

“I’m the only candidate who looks presidential,” Rubio continued. “I wear the flag pin on my suit at a precise angle. During debates and speeches, I cock my head and do that folded index finger pointing thing that JFK started. And look at how nicely pressed my suits are! There is no question that I am going to be the next president of the United States.”

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Rubio Vows Airport Equity – Will Require TSA to Respect Travelers

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During a Nevada rally, presidential candidate Marco Rubio vowed to make traveling through airports a more enjoyable experience.

“I have heard one airport story after another about how the TSA has substantially added to the misery many Americans experience during their travels,” Rubio told supporters. “Time and again people have missed their flights due to overzealous TSA agents, have been patted down like a Clinton White House intern, or have had personal items confiscated such as love oils in bottles exceeding three ounces.”

“My opponent likes to blame presidents Clinton and Bush for 9/11, but he refuses to address how the American people suffer at the hands of the failed TSA program that was implemented as a result of the terrorist attacks,” he continued. “When I am elected president, my first Executive Order will require TSA agents to ditch their ugly disco-era blue shirts and to politely explain to travelers what their mysterious highlighter markings on boarding passes indicate.”

Rubio also promised that he will work with Congress to pass a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Do” law which would require the TSA to remove their belts and shoes before requiring passengers to do the same.

“If TSA agents don’t want the possibility of their pants falling down or to contracting ringworm from filthy airport floors, then they had better not ask passengers to disrobe to any degree.”

Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said Rubio’s obsession with the TSA is simply a diversion from the fact that he plans to allow illegal immigration to proliferate.

Governor John Kasich said in a press statement that he was simply too grown up to comment on the issue, which is why he drives a Ford Windstar.

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God Expresses Disappointment in Sanders’ Iowa Loss

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Outraged by the outcome of Iowa’s Democratic caucuses, God indicated in a press release that he intends to “rain down fire” in select locations throughout the United States if Bernie Sanders loses New Hampshire.

“I believe Iowa should have gone to Bernie,” said the Lord of Hosts in a later conversation with CNN correspondent Neale Donaldson Walsch. “He’s a good man, older and wiser than Granny Clinton. He understands the Rule of Law as he helped Moses edit the Ten Commandments before the final draft was written in stone.”

Showing a first hint of support for Mrs. Clinton, Vice President Joe Biden was quick to remark, “I met Moses and I go way back with Bernie. Both are good guys, but their policies are as far apart as the shores of the Red Sea. Listen, the heart and soul of the Democratic Party are at stake in this election. If I were Hillary, I would tell Mr. Sanders during tonight’s debate, “You, sir are no Moses.”

Speaking in anonymity, a physician serving the Obama administration told CNN that she believes that the Vice President is confusing the Liberator of God’s chosen ones with the late great Hall of Fame basketball star Moses Malone.

“Joe is a huge sports fan, and a wonderful man, but I am afraid he is losing it, kind of like Reagan did during his second term in office,” said the doctor.  “Which is why I hope Joe enters the race even at this late stage. As a physician, I am nonpartisan. I loved Reagan, and I think the onset of Joe’s senility will make him even a stronger leader, which is what this country needs right now.”

When asked if he would step into the race in the event a sharp division rises among delegates going into the convention, or if Mrs. Clinton is indicted over the damned emails Sanders is sick of hearing about, Biden retorted, “As I said when I announced my decision, that window has closed.”

Mrs. Clinton’s husband Bill Clinton told reporters, “I did not have sexual relations with that window.”

Citing the former president’s misunderstanding of Biden’s remarks, the Clinton campaign issued a statement apologizing for Mr. Clinton’s “innocent and unintentional misreading of the Vice President’s comments.”

With less than a week to go, all eyes are on New Hampshire, including God’s.

“I’m still betting on Bernie,” said the Lord. “But let me be clear, there will be consequences if the Bernster does not win.”

Forces of darkness were reported to settle in New Hampshire immediately after the Iowa caucuses seeking to cause an upset for Sanders.  Calls to Satan were not returned by press time.