Trump to Appoint Clinton as Secretary of Offense

 

Trump’s cabinet will soon include a Secretary of Offense, and the President’s former opponent Hillary Clinton is expected to take the job.

During a weekend news briefing with the White House’s official media outlets, Fox News and Breitbart News Network, Trump announced Clinton is expected to become the latest addition to his administration.

“We are developing a cabinet-level office which will be called the Department of Offense,” Trump announced. “And I believe that Secretary Clinton is the perfect nominee to head up the department.”

“This bipartisan effort will ensure that no American will suffer undue offense,” Trump said. “While my predecessor’s administration was drunk with political correctness, there in fact exists a point of decency to which every American is due. Please notice my play on the words undue and due. That is pretty clever. I thought of it myself without the help of my handlers.”

Mr. Trump said that the key to ensuring no Americans suffer undue offense is to put in place a governmental unit that will be offended on behalf of cultures, subcultures, and individuals, particularly those who are not offended to begin with.

“Hillary has a gift of knowing for whom she needs to be offended and how to make those folks realize they should be offended,” Trump said.

“I’m pleased to announce that Mrs. Clinton has accepted my personal offer to name her as Secretary of Offense,” Trump added.

When asked why Mrs. Clinton was not present for the announcement, Trump pointed out that he is following protocol he developed jointly with Mrs. Clinton on election night.

“As you recall, I announced Hillary’s concession when I beat her pantsuit off on election night,” Trump said. “I am her de facto spokesperson in such matters.”

Mrs. Clinton confirmed in a press release that she was offered the position and that she intends to make an acceptance speech from the White House Rose Garden on Good Friday.

“However, I would prefer to call Good Friday a ‘holiday’ so that nobody gets offended,” Clinton clarified.

A poll of non-Christians indicated they could not care less whether Clinton, Trump or Rod Stewart used the term “Good Friday.”

Clinton said that her first act as Secretary of Offense would be to apologize to all Americans who do not enjoy the benefits of ‘white privilege.’

“When given a high honor such as being named Secretary of Offense, you have a responsibility to make tough decisions that won’t please everyone,” Clinton said. “So, you have to be willing to offend some to ensure others who are not offended do not become offended, because if that happens, those who become offended may act out their offences and in turn could offend somebody who would otherwise never offend anybody, which would be quite patently offensive to everybody with a sense of decency relative to sensitive matters that could be deemed offensive to some.”

Sources on Capitol Hill indicate Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell intends to hold hearings to determine “what in the Sam Hill that wing-nut Clinton is talking about” before scheduling confirmation hearings.