Trump Asks Obama to Help Rewrite Obamacare


Trump asks Obama to help rewrite Obamacare

President Trump has reached out to former President Obama for help in rewriting Obamacare

After winning a major victory in the U.S. House of Representatives to repeal Obamacare, President Trump is calling on his predecessor for help.

“This victory is huge, I tell you,”  Mr. Trump said. “I like huge. So we are going to make our health care legislation even huger than Obamacare. I want to jam pack new legislation into at least 5,000 pages. That’s 100 pages for each of the 50 states when you think about it. Kind of like a fair distribution of Electoral College votes. Hillary would have liked that. Maybe this will turn her frown upside down.  I want my bill so big that Congress will have to pass the thing to find out what’s in it.”

“Which is why I called on my predecessor, Barack Obama,” Trump continued. “I feel he did a fantastic job cramming content into his version. With President Obama’s experience, we should easily be able to produce five times as much as his first shot. This is going to be great, I tell you.”

“I am honored President Trump is seeking creative ways to expand my legacy,” Obama said while recently accepting the annual Profile in Courage Award at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston.

“And it is my fervent hope that today’s members of Congress, regardless of party or sexual preference, are willing to look at the facts and speak the truth, even when it contradicts common sense,” Obama said.

After years of debate, and weekend retreats in overseas red light districts, the House voted last week to repeal and replace key parts of the Affordable Care Act.

“A lot of us waited seven years to cast this vote,” House Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Wis., said shortly before the voting began. “Many of us are here because we pledged to cast this vote: to repeal and replace Obamacare and heap self-inflicted term limits upon ourselves.”

Senate may be the showstopper 

Winning approval for the bill could be more difficult in the Senate. According to the former President, this scenario serves as precisely why his signature legislation needs to remain in place in some form.

“Surgeons by the droves who have operated on U.S. Senators have reached the same startling conclusion: Senators are spineless,” Obama said. “Missing a spine since birth is a serious preexisting condition over which no U.S. Senator should be denied treatment.”

After the vote, protesters outside the Capitol building yelled, “Fatty fatty two by four, can’t fit through the bathroom door!” at members of Congress walking down the front steps.

The bill, which would change the way the federal government funds Medicaid, will dramatically increase the number of people without health insurance if enacted into law.

“As one who believes that handicapped parking spots should be furthest from the mall entrance because those folks need more exercise, I’m A-OK if people lose government-funded insurance,” Ryan said. “It will give Americans incentive to get off the couch and go for a jog around the development.”

Ryan: Trump Stirred Feelings In Me

Ryan Trump Tryin'

House Speaker and Presumptive Republican Nominee Trump Bond During Meeting

Washington—Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan held their highly anticipated meeting Thursday amid signals that the Republican Party will work to unite.

What some may consider a more interesting takeaway was Ryan’s shift in what he called “feelings” for Trump.

“We were honest about our few differences, but most importantly, we bonded over our similarities, to include our personal feelings,” Ryan said. “I’m not sure what has come over me. I have never felt this way about another man. I wish I could explain it better. I think whatever is stirring inside of me drove my initial resistance toward Trump. Perhaps I have contracted Trump appeal.”

Paul Ryan: Time, Love and Tenderness

Ryan, speaking with reporters during his weekly press briefing, sought to portray his personal and political openness to Trump, despite withholding what sources close to the speaker say will be his imminent endorsement.

“This is our first meeting, I was very encouraged, but this is a process,” Ryan said. “Because love is a process, and honey, love is love. It takes some time. You don’t put it together in 45 minutes any more than you would get married after the first date. However, I fully understand Democrats will hop in the sack minutes after meeting each other, which is why America is plagued with sexually transmitted diseases.”

Ryan Moves Closer to Trump’s Platform

The speaker called Trump’s achievement of earning more votes than any Republican candidate in history “really kind of unparalleled and somewhat sexy.” He added that perhaps this demonstrates Trump’s idea to keep Islamic terrorists out of the country is “not such a bad idea since we have enough people here anyway.”

Ryan said he hopes to channel the momentum for the presumptive nominee into support for a conservative agenda as well as a deep and meaningful relationship with the billionaire.

“The question is … how we unify it all?” Ryan said. “And where do broken hearts go? How do we keep adding and adding and adding voters while not subtracting any voters. Most Americans and London’s Islamic mayor do not like where this country is headed.”

Trump tweeted his thoughts during an act of marriage with his wife Melania as their plane taxied on the runway before taking off for New York, “Great day in D.C. with @SpeakerRyan and Republican leadership. Things working out really well! #MrsTrump’sRump.”

“I thought it was a great meeting,” Trump said in a Thursday evening Fox News interview with Sean Hannity. “Size does matter, by the way, just like Marco mentioned during the debates. Speaker Ryan’s ears are huge! And I like that.”

Trump suggested the two sides would eventually come together, even if that means they must come grooving up slowly.

Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton tweeted, “@realDonaldTrump has got to be a joker, he just do what he please.”


Carole King to Paul Ryan: Stop Using my Lines


carole king

Carole King, 70s superstar, performer and author, has warned US House Speaker Paul Ryan, to stop using her lyrics in reference to Donald Trump.

“We shouldn’t just pretend our party is unified when I know it is not,” the Wisconsin Republican said yesterday in an interview.  “We just can’t fake it.”

Carole King joins chorus of objecting musicians

King produced the 70s smash hit song, “It’s Too Late.” The verse she accuses Ryan of lifting says, “Something inside has died and I know that I just can’t fake it.”

“When in the Sam Hill are these stupid Republicans going to stop stealing artists’ work, you know?” a barefooted King said at a press conference outside the Betty Ford Clinic.

King joins a few recent voices against Trump’s use of their work at campaign rallies. Most recently, Aerosmith Lead Singer Steven Tyler penned an essay about copyright courtesy to Donald Trump.

“I’m not trying to make a political statement or saying I support Bernie because he’s my New England homeboy,” Tyler said. “But The Donald’s wife, I have got to say, is twee-diddly-dee-to the zippity zee-dee-lectable!”

The Rolling Stones also asked Trump to discontinue using their music at rallies, but it was unclear at press time if Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are really still alive.

Talks between Trump and party officials slated

Ryan, the nation’s highest-ranking GOP official, who holds the distinction of having the largest-sized ears on Capitol Hill, sent the Republican Party into a tailspin when he said that he was not ready to back Trump.

Trump is scheduled to talk with Ryan and senior House and Senate GOP leaders. It is expected the group will discuss strategies to unify the party, potential vice presidential nominees, and Hillary Clinton’s silly looking pantsuits.

Sources close to Ryan indicate the Speaker plans to grab Trump by the locks to put to rest the question of whether the billionaire sports a toupee.

Ryan said his decision to share his doubts about Trump came out of a “gut impulse.” Ryan later conceded that his impulses are not always right, referencing his decision four years ago to join Gov. Mitt Romney as his vice presidential running mate.

“It’s going to take more than a week to unify this party,” Ryan said citing picnic plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend and his plans to take his family to Disneyland over the summer. Sources close to Ryan’s mother indicate the Speaker is still brokenhearted about his primary loss to Trump and the large slate of Republicans he ran against.

Ryan concluded he hoped the GOP would unite by November to defeat Hillary Clinton.

King does not think the GOP can unite by Election Day.

“It’s too late baby, it’s too late,” King said.