Clinton says Opioid Addiction Crisis is not her Fault

Speaking in front of the American Medical Association’s annual convention on Friday, former Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said she is not to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis. “As you can see in my new book, What Happened, I would have won the election if it weren’t for the incompetence of approximately 25 distinct groups and individuals,” Clinton said. “I had the right message, the right campaign, and ran at the right time.”

“If I was elected President of the United States we would not have an opioid addiction crisis—and you know I won the popular vote by millions,” Clinton continued. “One of my first acts after the inauguration would have been to legislate addiction out of mainstream America. Rather than deporting Mexicans and DREAMers, I would send drug addicts and junkies to Venezuela where they can get all the illicit drugs they want. President Trump, who, by the way is also to blame for my loss, has been soft on addiction.”

During a post-speech interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out to Clinton that nobody said she was to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis.

“Oh well you know, Anderson, they eventually get around to blaming me for everything so I just was being a little proactive, you know?” Clinton fired back.

“Mrs. Clinton, your book boldly accuses a number of groups for your surprise defeat,” Cooper said. “Do you feel that you may bear any blame for your loss?”

“You know, Anderson, I would have been America’s first openly gay president and I campaigned hard on LGBT issues,” Clinton said. “These days, it’s obvious that half of America is either gay or has some kind of celebrated perversion. The numbers are staggering. I feel that community also let me down. They’re so big in “coming out.” Yet, they did not come out in enough numbers for me. So, no, this is loss is none of my doing.”

“Mrs. Clinton, as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “In fact, I’m so gay that I’ve won numerous awards and recognitions for my lifestyle. I think I speak on behalf of the entire LGBT community in expressing gratitude for your pioneering work on our behalf. But I’m a little confused about your claim that you are openly gay. Could you elaborate?”

“Well, as you know, Anderson, Toni Morrison referred to my husband as America’s first black president, and obviously he’s Caucasian on the surface, but there’s no question he’s a black man on the inside,” Clinton said. “I’m obviously married to a male, but given Bill’s propensity to bone anything with a pair of breasts, my heart over time has become gay, and my pantsuits are a reflection of my transgender tendencies.”

“You go girl…er, boy!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Cash me ousside, how bow dat?” Clinton said, fist bumping Anderson before she broke into a high speed twerk against his crotch.

Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

Pence Blows Kidney Stone at Convention



Trump’s running mate and Indiana governor Mike Pence is recovering from passing a kidney stone Monday.

The incident occurred during a mic check backstage with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Pence is reported to have started sweating profusely from his brow and biting his lip just as Cooper began testing his collar microphone.

Holding his groin with one hand, Pence pushed himself off his stool and hobbled off to the men’s room. Focused on his mic check, Cooper did not witness the incident and initially thought nothing of Pence’s absence.

Approximately 15 minutes later, Pence collapsed on the bathroom floor in a stall.

Pence’s fall tripped on his microphone, which some believe was a miracle that may have saved his life. After the governor’s mic turned on, the entire stage crew including Cooper heard Pence’s pained groans and panting.

“At first I thought we were hearing a cow giving birth to twins,” Cooper later told his viewers.

Pence’s pained yelps grew louder, throwing everyone into confusion as the stage area was not in the immediate vicinity of the restroom.

A union technician returning from a cigarette break traced the sound to the men’s room. Cooper and several of the stage crew dashed to the scene.

Sighting the governor squirming underneath the stalls, Cooper crawled underneath to help. To prevent the governor from striking his head against the porcelain toilet, Cooper gently pushed Pence out of the stall to safety.

“Will someone call 911 for crying out loud?” Pence screamed. “I’m passing a damned kidney stone!”

“Governor, would you like me to hold you or massage where it hurts until help arrives?” Cooper offered.

“This is no time to be cracking your stinking LGBT jokes!” the governor replied.

“I’m just trying to help,” Cooper said. “As a gay man, I know what it’s like to feel pain most people don’t suffer.”

Paramedics took Pence to a nearby hospital where he reportedly passed the stone approximately two hours after his arrival.

The Emergency Room physician prescribed Pence narcotic painkillers in the event another lingering stone passes.

Pence said he plans to save the drugs to numb the pain of having to listen to a bunch of Republican blowhards as they give their nomination speeches.

Citing “no pain, no gain”, CDC issues opioid guidelines


In the midst of a growing national opioid epidemic, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued guidelines advising doctors against prescribing opioids to treat chronic pain, regardless of how much suffering their patients endure.

“It’s a game-changer,” says Andrew Kolodny, director of Physicians for Responsible Opioid Prescribing and the chief medical officer of Phoenix House, a nonprofit drug rehab. “This justifies funding for my job, which means I can continue to take it easy and wear jeans to the office everyday, which is the reason I always wanted to work for a nonprofit.”

The CDC’s guidance was prompted by the increasing number of politicians who want to look like heroes before November’s historic election.  Blowhards like Pennsylvania Senator Pat Toomey have targeted pain patients despite pleas from those suffering from severe injuries and diseases.

“Look, I used to own a bar,” said Toomey (R-PA), former proprietor of Rookies sports bar in Allentown, Pennsylvania. “I’ve seen firsthand the good time buzzed people have, so I think the more important issue is keeping abusers from gaming the system rather than helping those who should be seeking physical therapy or Aleve.”

Earlier this week, Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker signed a bill that mandates patients to register into a statewide monitoring system which would take into account all prescribed medications and sexual fetishes. This would give politicians like himself an added tool to determine which college-aged girls who apply to work for them are on the pill and which were more likely to make suitable travel companions.

Earlier this month, Maine governor Paul LePage introduced opioid legislation, limiting prescriptions for both chronic and acute pain. There has been speculation that LePage is yielding to the pressure of special interest groups representing farms that grow illegal marijuana and the powerful Heroin Lobby whose members benefit when pain patients are denied access to the medications they need most. Others, including LePage’s wife, speculate he’s a moose’s ass.

For Bob Twillman, executive director for the American Academy of Pain Management, the new law in Massachusetts is a “mound of bonafide horse crap.” He said the CDC’s move is an ominous sign that state and federal lawmakers and other lowlifes will drive patients to illegal drugs, suicide, and back alley abortions, particularly older men.

Kolodny, says the blacklash from pain advocates is akin to naysayers of global warming. “It’s a manufactured controversy,” Kolodny says. “Cancer and crushed limbs aren’t all that painful, and everybody knows it.”

CDC advisers suggest opioids should not be prescribed as “first-line” therapy for people mangled in car accidents and falls from anything less than 1,000 feet in the air. They suggest if doctors really feel they must prescribe opioids, three days of treatment or less is sufficient. They recommend going over risks and goals for pain treatment with patients. Those goals could include finding natural ways of getting high by abusing “internet drugs” such Kratom.

In November, the non-profit group Washington Legal Foundation accused the CDC of violating federal law by refusing to disclose the “Core Expert Group” who drafted the guidelines. The CDC issued a statement indicating that though sticks and stones could break their bones, names would never hurt them. When questioned if they would vow to steer clear of opioids if in fact their bones would be broken, CDC officials changed the subject and speculated whether the republicans would have a brokered convention.

The most notable resistance came from within the federal government, the Interagency Pain Research Coordinating Committee, which pointed out there were not enough pain providers or members of the so-called LGBT community represented in the group.

Dr. Deborah Dowell, the lead author of the CDC guidelines, who has a long history of membership in metropolitan S&M clubs, says the considerations of pain advocates were addressed in the most recent draft and that if they keep up their backtalk, they are going to need pain meds themselves.