Trump Asks Obama to Help Rewrite Obamacare

 

Trump asks Obama to help rewrite Obamacare

President Trump has reached out to former President Obama for help in rewriting Obamacare

After winning a major victory in the U.S. House of Representatives to repeal Obamacare, President Trump is calling on his predecessor for help.

“This victory is huge, I tell you,”  Mr. Trump said. “I like huge. So we are going to make our health care legislation even huger than Obamacare. I want to jam pack new legislation into at least 5,000 pages. That’s 100 pages for each of the 50 states when you think about it. Kind of like a fair distribution of Electoral College votes. Hillary would have liked that. Maybe this will turn her frown upside down.  I want my bill so big that Congress will have to pass the thing to find out what’s in it.”

“Which is why I called on my predecessor, Barack Obama,” Trump continued. “I feel he did a fantastic job cramming content into his version. With President Obama’s experience, we should easily be able to produce five times as much as his first shot. This is going to be great, I tell you.”

“I am honored President Trump is seeking creative ways to expand my legacy,” Obama said while recently accepting the annual Profile in Courage Award at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston.

“And it is my fervent hope that today’s members of Congress, regardless of party or sexual preference, are willing to look at the facts and speak the truth, even when it contradicts common sense,” Obama said.

After years of debate, and weekend retreats in overseas red light districts, the House voted last week to repeal and replace key parts of the Affordable Care Act.

“A lot of us waited seven years to cast this vote,” House Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Wis., said shortly before the voting began. “Many of us are here because we pledged to cast this vote: to repeal and replace Obamacare and heap self-inflicted term limits upon ourselves.”

Senate may be the showstopper 

Winning approval for the bill could be more difficult in the Senate. According to the former President, this scenario serves as precisely why his signature legislation needs to remain in place in some form.

“Surgeons by the droves who have operated on U.S. Senators have reached the same startling conclusion: Senators are spineless,” Obama said. “Missing a spine since birth is a serious preexisting condition over which no U.S. Senator should be denied treatment.”

After the vote, protesters outside the Capitol building yelled, “Fatty fatty two by four, can’t fit through the bathroom door!” at members of Congress walking down the front steps.

The bill, which would change the way the federal government funds Medicaid, will dramatically increase the number of people without health insurance if enacted into law.

“As one who believes that handicapped parking spots should be furthest from the mall entrance because those folks need more exercise, I’m A-OK if people lose government-funded insurance,” Ryan said. “It will give Americans incentive to get off the couch and go for a jog around the development.”

President Trump Calls for Media Term Limits

Trump CPAC Photo

President Donald J. Trump announced at CPAC 2017 his plans to enact media term limits.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has called on Congress to establish media term limits, a maneuver seen by top political analysts as a strategic move as he advances in his war with the press.

Trump made the announcement last week to a cheering audience during Friday’s CPAC conference.

“We are going to build a legislative wall that will stop the media’s abuse of power,” the President said. “And I will make The New York Times pay for that wall.”

During the conference, Dr. Ben Carson said he agreed with the need to curtail the media. Carson also confirmed he is African-American when asked by a CPAC participant during the Q&A session.

“The power of the press is so germane to the Constitution, it is addressed in the First Amendment,” Trump said, inadvertently holding up his pocket thesaurus rather than his Bill of Rights booklet. “However, the media has clearly abused its power, and it is our responsibility as leaders of this great nation to put an end to that abuse.”

“As president, I am limited to two terms, which is very unfortunate on one hand because I am a great leader,” Trump continued. “On the other hand, it is fortunate that my predecessor was term-limited as the guy would have made not only more of a wreck of these United States, but would have made a bigger mess within White House itself. It seems like every day, we’re still finding cigarette butts, paper wads and other garbage strewn about the place from all the parties and what-not that guy hosted.”

Trump said he would send Congress a detailed proposal by March 31. Highlights from that proposal will include:

  • Political commentators: 5-10 years, whichever comes first
  • Newspaper opinion writers: 2-year terms, maximum of five terms
  • Political beat reporters: 2-year terms, maximum of two terms
  • Political round table contributors: 1-year term to be followed by immediate waterboarding

Trump also suggests that staff writers for Vox, Huffington Post, and Slate and other venues of massive fake news sources serve a mandatory five-year federal prison sentence prior to employment.

Brokaw on Millennials: Dumbest Generation

tom_brokaw_01

In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

  • Water comes from bottles
  • Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art
  • People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects
  • The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future 

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Trump to be Sworn In as President Using Koran, and his Own Bible

When Donald Trump is sworn in on Inauguration Day, he will take the oath using two holy books: the Koran, plus his own Bible.

The president-elect’s Bible dates back to childhood, according to the Presidential Inaugural Committee, which announced more details of Friday’s swearing-in on Tuesday.

The Bible was given to Trump by his mother when he graduated from Sunday Church Primary School at First Presbyterian Church in the Queens, New York, neighborhood of Jamaica in 1955 — just days before he turned 9 years old.

The coffee-stained paperback Koran Trump intends to use was purchased online from a discount used bookseller for $1.50.  His secretary made the purchase during a lunch break last week. She also purchased a used copy of the Koran For Dummies to help the President-elect get up to speed on the basics of radical Islamic scripture.

The inaugural committee’s chairman said Trump was “humbled” to have his own Bible, as well as the Koran, included in his swearing-in ceremony.

“My predecessor President Obama was clearly a Muslim, and I intend to show deference and respect to him as well to all highly vetted Muslim-Americans,” Trump said.

When a member of the press pool challenged Mr. Trump to prove Obama was a Muslim, the President-elect quickly put the question to rest.

“Look, when I was in Sunday school, we were taught not to be professing Christians, but rather to let our light shine so that people would know we were in the fold,” Trump said. “President Obama has not overtly said he was a Muslim, but it was obvious from the get-go that that guy in fact was. One of the first things he did on his Apology Tour after being elected was head over to Arab nations and bow to sheiks and swamis. His whole damned presidency was about appeasing Muslims and I’m trying to show a little bit of respect to his legacy before I cancel out everything he accomplished during his presidency.”

Trump’s oath of office will be administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who is expected to remain sober for the event.

Vice President-elect Mike Pence, meanwhile, will take the oath using the Reagan family Bible, the inaugural committee announced over the weekend.

“President Ronald Reagan placed his faith in a loving God and the goodness of our country. He set out to change a nation and in doing so, he changed the world. In the march of history, Ronald Reagan’s time in office was limited, but his legacy inspired a generation and will continue beyond,” Pence said in a statement.

The Democratic National Committee responded to Pence in a one-word tweet: “Hogwash.”

Trump to Take Presidential Gap Year

NEW YORK — President-elect Donald Trump announced at a press conference that he plans to take a “gap year” before occupying the White House.

“It’s the right thing to do,” Trump said. “I’ve enjoyed many, many years as a successful billionaire business tycoon. It’s going to take time to transition to a low paying job, and I want to do it the right way.”

“So, basically, you plan to be an absentee president?” CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked.

“Anderson, you’re a flaming homosexual, but you don’t hear me calling you names, do you?” Trump said. “I think you owe me a little tolerance, as your ilk would say. For heaven’s sake, I’ve got a country to run.”

“Mr. President-elect, I did not mean to offend you,” Cooper continued. “But the fact is, you plan to take off to one of the islands you own right after you’re sworn in as president. You will, in fact, be absent from the White House.”

“You want to know what an absentee president is? Look at Obama,” Trump replied. “For the past eight years, this country has been without leadership while that guy and his family spent $815 million in taxpayer money on monthly vacations. I will get more done in one year tweeting from the beach than Obama accomplished during his entire presidency.”

“And speaking of Obama,” Trump continued, “his daughter Malia has taken a gap year before she heads off to college. I don’t see the media giving her a hard time over her decision. It’s the right thing to do when undergoing a major life change.”

The press conference quickly concluded as the bewildered media pool could think of no further questions.

Trump Considers Supreme Court Nominees

President Elect Narrows Short List to Replace Scalia

Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.

After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.

Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”

Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees: 

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”

Republicans Riot over Trump’s Appointee

republican protestsrp

President-elect Donald Trump announced Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), will be his chief of staff.

“Dammit to hell!” Walter Hitchcock, a Pennsylvania-based Trump supporter said at a recent press conference. “We elected Trump because we hate Hillary’s guts and because we’re sick of the establishment. Reince is totally emblematic of the establishment. He hung out with the Bush family and Senator Lindsey Graham. Probably also hung out in a few fag bars, if you know what I mean. Just look at the guy.”

“Might as well call him ‘Reince the gay prince’ if you ask me,” Hitchcock added, spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.

Hitchcock and other middle-class Republicans took to suburban housing developments and upscale shopping centers in sometimes violent riots. In Hitchcock’s hometown of Wyomissing, PA, rioters smashed windows at a local mall complex, vandalized cars in the parking lot, and threw Starbucks latte cups at police.

“Many of us feel disenfranchised and betrayed,” Bob Watson, Grand Dragon of the North Carolina-based Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and owner of a national brokerage firm said. “It is inconceivable that our President-elect would yield to the establishment, appointing one of their own to the highest post in his administration. What’s next, Governor Christie for Attorney General?”

CEOs in corporate campuses throughout the United States are providing safe spaces complete with puppies and coloring books for executives who are mourning the appointment.

To date, neither President Obama nor President-elect Trump have stepped forward to ask Republicans to stop the violence and to protest peacefully.

 

You’re not a Sissy for Crying over Hillary’s Loss

College campuses across the US are setting up “Safe Cry Zones” and bringing in therapy puppies for students and professors who are devasted that Hillary lost and Donald won. We here at RealClear Satire want you to know that it’s OK to cry. You’re not a sissy!

Obama Orders Military to Offer Gay Merchandise

 

obama gay flag

WASHINGTON, D.C.— U.S. President Barack Obama ordered the armed forces to begin offering LGBTQ-sensitive civilian military merchandise—or face serious budget cuts. The measure goes into effect October 1, 2016.

By law, Mr. Obama is permitted to bypass the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate due to the Congressional summer recess if he identifies a state of emergency.

“Anytime any peaceful group’s civil rights are violated, a state of emergency is present,” Obama said. “It is wrong and discriminating that the LGBTQ community cannot enjoy military merchandise that reflects their sexual preferences, while others can enjoy stockpiling these items.”

Obama’s Executive Order covers, but is not limited to, bumper stickers, shirts, and hoodies. Furthermore, all action figures sold by the military must include extra sets of gender-specific clothing so that children can cross-dress soldiers, sailors, and marines. Due to logistical reasons, the military has until December 1 of this year to offer these items, which Obama says is critical to complete for the Christmas shopping season.

Following are a few examples in Mr. Obama’s order:

  • Items reflecting language such as “Proud Parent of A Soldier” must be complemented by an equal stock of items that say “Proud Parental Partner of A Soldier” or an equivalent.
  • “Proud Air Force Mom” must be matched up with “Proud Air Force Lesbian Parent” or an equivalent.
  • “I love my Marine” must be matched up with “My Partner and I love my Marine.”

U.S. Law requires a 30-day public-comment period regarding any change in language commanded by Presidential Executive Order relative to products sold by the military to civilians through an authorized independent 3rd party selected by the president. Public comment is non-binding, but will be given utmost consideration by the president.

Parties who wish to make comment should call the president’s public relations agency Sylvia Marketing & Public Relations at 610-323-3500, and ask for Ken Kilpatrick between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm EST, Monday through Friday.