School That Always Picks Loser Chooses Clinton as Winner


SELLERSVILLE, PA — Every four years over the past three decades, students at Sellersville Elementary School in Sellersville, PA have held schoolwide mock presidential elections. And, in each election, the candidate whom the school picked as the winner went on to lose in the U.S. elections.

This week, Sellersville Elementary has elected Hillary Clinton as the next U.S president.

“We are proud of our mock presidential elections record regardless of the outcome,” Second-Grade Teacher Mrs. Hughes said. “Although we haven’t always gotten it right, we try harder than those who actually are able to vote. That’s what really matters.”

Hughes says that because of the various anomalies involved in this year’s race between Mrs. Clinton and Donald Trump, she believes her school has accurately predicted the outcome.

“Polling from both our first grade and second-grade classes has consistently shown Mrs. Clinton ahead by wide margins. During the polling process, students asked lunch ladies, crossing guards, and siblings various questions to determine what most people are thinking. We are confident their answers reveal the mood of the electorate.”

Sellersville Elementary is part of the Pennridge School District. The district represents a 98 percent caucasian population with 95 percent of households having incomes exceeding $80,000 per year.

Mrs. Hughes confirmed during a press conference that no tax dollars were used to fund the school’s mock presidential elections.

BREAKING NEWS: Clinton Denied Coughing Breaks at Debate

No coughing fit breaks for clinton

Clinton will have to power though coughing fits  during the debate. She has been granted use of a special podium to compensate for her size.

Coughing breaks, steps stools, and timeouts are among the list of rules for the first presidential debate on Monday night.

The Presidential Debate Commission this weekend finalized its List of Debate Rules, Decorum, and Formality (the List) for the debate. The List is required by the Presidential Debate Rules of Procedure which Congress adopted in 1861 to codify debates after the infamous and hostile Lincoln and Douglas Debates. The List is made exclusively by the Presidential Debate Commission without input from the candidates.

The commission denied Clinton’s request to use a step stool to compensate for her smallness in stature. Clinton is a small but mighty 5’4″. Mighty as she may be, her campaign is concerned she could be “dwarfed” by Donald Trump, who stands 6’2″ tall. However, the commission did approve a custom-made podium, which will accommodate the difference in stature.

More than 100 million people are expected to watch the first presidential debate between Clinton and Donald J. Trump, which will be held at Hofstra University in Long Island, New York. The debate rules state that Clinton will have to “power through” any coughing fit, feinting spells, or other medical crisis should such events occur. The commission reasoned that the candidates are vying to be commander-in-chief of the armed forces and therefore should sustain their shortcomings as a leader should. Clinton’s special podium request was granted in deference to Napoleon as the 5’7″ leader nearly conquered the world.

Clinton Campaign Manager and Gay Right’s Activist and Robby Mook said his candidate is prepared to prevail over Trump Monday.

“Hillary has been taking frequent naps and getting full night’s sleep so she is well rested and ready to go,” said Mook. “Trump has been running around battleground states like a fool, burning himself out. This is going to be a victory of the turtle versus the hare. Regardless of her age, Hillary still has youthful energy and poise. And if you could see her without her pantsuits, you would agree, the lady has still got it. Even as a gay man, I can tell she’s hotter than a summer night in the Sahara.”

Lester Holt, anchor of NBC’s “Nightly News” will moderate the first debate.

Trump said he’s pleased with the List and looks forward to the debates.

“Hillary needs more than the special podium as she comes up short in more than just her lack of height,” Trump said. “Her policies are short, her message is short, and her vision for America is short. Plus, she started the birther movement and I finished it.”

U.S. House Impeaches Matt Lauer

matt lauer head shot

WASHINGTON — A deeply divided House of Representatives impeached Today Show anchor Matt Lauer Friday on charges of journalistic sexism.

Leading Democrats accused Lauer of posing tougher questions to Hillary Clinton during NBC’s recent “Commander-in-Chief Forum” than those he asked of Trump.

Lauer was also charged with “Obstruction of Pantsuits.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said Lauer used that tactic to “paint a granny-like Betsy Ross image of Hillary.”

“There is no question that Lauer wanted the American people to see Hillary’s role as a matriarch on a rocking chair,” Pelosi said. “Lauer’s shaved head and Trump’s empty mind were working together like hand and glove.”

Lauer is the first American journalist in history to be impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives.

Lauer told reporters he was disappointed but not surprised by the House impeachment vote. He vowed to serve out the remaining two years in his contract.

“I was committed to seeking a quick bipartisan compromise, but that’s not how things work in Washington anymore,” Lauer said.

Following the votes, the Congressional Press Pool rode buses to Trump Towers and stood behind Lauer at a media event where the news anchor pledged to continue to fight and asked for national reconciliation.

“We need to move beyond reverse sexism and get on with the business of the country,” Lauer said. “For heaven’s sake, we’re trying to elect a president!”

Clinton to Plagiarize Emancipation Proclamation



Noticing the massive publicity Melania Trump enjoyed after being accused of plagiarizing Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton announced she also plans to “repurpose some good copy.”

A statement released by the Clinton Campaign on Wednesday indicated Mrs. Clinton has been reviewing Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation “to determine relevant parts she can lift that fit into today’s America.”

In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Clinton detailed what she meant by “today’s America.”

“You know, Anderson, the Emancipation Proclamation was truly a great speech, but it’s fairly one-sided as it measures up against today’s society,” Clinton said. “And I am sure if President Lincoln were here today, he would both endorse me, and would want to make sure the speech contained elements that not only please those of us who enjoy white privilege, but also reaches to the heart and the concerns of the Black Lives Matter movement, peace-loving Muslims regardless of whether they wish to harm us, illegal immigrants of all nationalities, police reform activists, and of course, the LGBT community.”

Cooper reminded Clinton that he is openly gay and appreciates that she believes President Lincoln would defend his right to enjoy naked horseplay with other men.

“Well, Anderson, that’s what friends are for,” Clinton said with a smile, and a wink, and a sparkle in her eye.

“Are you Dionneifying me?” Cooper chuckled.

“Hey don’t forget, we also have Elton in there as well, so perhaps I’m Johnifying you?” Clinton said.

“I’m not sure how I feel about being call a john, although it certainly would not be the first time. But let me say this: Elton was and remains a great leader and role model for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I give no small credit to his sacrifice in laying the foundation for men like me to not only come out my mother’s closet, but doing so wearing one of her latest fashions.”

“You know, Cooper, if I’m elected president—and of course I will be as I’ve already told the American people all they want hear—I plan to name you as this great country’s first Mayor of the Gay Community,” Clinton said.

Cooper became so choked up with tears that CNN was forced to take an unscheduled commercial break.

Editor’s note: Special thanks to followers Lisha DeRycke Hallek and Stef Aneli for their valuable assistance in helping me craft, edit, and plagiarize this report. 

Sadiq Khan: “Fatwa on Donald Trump”

khan trump

London, U.K. – Sadiq Khan, London’s newly elected mayor, has issued a “fatwa” on Trump’s candidacy for the billionaire’s position on protecting America against Islamic terrorists.

Khan, whose historic win made him the first Muslim to be elected mayor of a major European city without violence, said he’s had it up to his turban with Trump’s “tirades against the peaceful loving Jihadists of Islam.”

Khan made the comments after Trump said he might consider exempting the new mayor from his proposed ban on Muslims entering the United States.

“Donald Trump is an ignorant infidel who has blasphemed the Most High Allah!” Khan said. “His ignorant view of Islamic Jihadists could make both our countries less safe. It risks alienating Muslims around the world and plays into the hands of women and Christians.”

Khan rejected Trump’s offer that he could be an exception to the proposed Muslim travel ban, saying: “This isn’t just about me — it’s about my friends, my family, my mom’s clerics and my daddy’s Imams, and everyone who uses both peace and violence to ensure Islamic diversity!”

Trump Mocks Sadiq Khan at Rally 

At a rally in Sissonville, West Virginia, Trump responded to Mayor Sadiq Khan’s remarks by displaying a parody on a PowerPoint screen as the Oak Ridge Boys led the audience of inbreds, good ole boys, and coal miners in laughter and song:

“London Bridge is blowing up,

Blowing up, blowing up,

London Bridge is blowing up,

My mayor’s crazy!

Blow it up with bombs in cars,

Bombs in cars, bombs in cars,

Blow it with bombs in cars,

My mayor’s crazy!

Terrorists will make it break,

Make it break, make it break,

Terrorists will make it break,

My mayor’s crazy!

London Bridge is blowing up,

Blowing up, blowing up,

My mayor’s crazy!

U.S. President Barack Obama “sides with Sadiq”

“I stand with Mayor Khan,” Mr. Obama said. “America is a nation of second chances. I have proudly pardoned a number of convicts because the people they killed are dead anyway. We should demonstrate the same compassion to repentant Islamic Jihadists who want to come to America. Terrorists who show remorse and are willing to apologize for their work deserve a new beginning. Furthermore, Jihadists who have not yet committed offenses against the United States or even France should in no way be prevented entry into our great country.”

Trump shrugged off Obama’s comments as hypocritical.

“The guy’s an uncircumcised Philistine,” Trump said. “Probably an Al Qaeda operative. But there is no question he’s a Muslim. I’m sure it’s on his birth certificate.”

Clinton Refrains from Commenting 

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton would not issue a comment stating that as a woman the Koran forbade her from chiming in to remarks made by a Muslim holding political office.

Khan showed immediate appreciation to Clinton for her deference and respect.

“I’m with her!” he tweeted.

LinkedIn User Profile Sparks Multi-Agency Investigation  



Unusual activity on an American businessman’s LinkedIn Profile has captured the attention of the FBI, Department of Homeland Security, and the Matawan, NJ Police Department.

Daniel Mokross, a self-avowed serial entrepreneur and CEO of Eclipse Communications, an Internet startup that develops communication strategies for Internet startups that serve other Internet startups, sent a connection request to a Matawan Police Matron in November.  After reviewing Mokross’s profile, the Matron noticed something did not add up and immediately contacted her superior Detective Sergeant Danny O’Hara.

After reviewing the profile, O’Hara also became suspicious and opened a formal investigation. Because the connection request originated across state lines from Mokross’s virtual office in Radnor, Pennsylvania, O’Hara referred the case to the FBI.

While the FBI will neither confirm nor deny accepting the case or if O’Hara’s toupee disqualifies him from filing such claims, sources have confirmed that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is also investigating the matter. It is not clear if the FBI brought in DHS or if the agency is involved in a separate or unrelated case.

Someone on O’Hara’s bowling league spoke to us on the condition of anonymity for fear he would be forced to pick up his team’s bar tab for the rest of the season after each Thursday night game. The source said that the Matawan PD Matron became suspicious when she noticed that Mokross was not following Richard Branson, Bill Gates, Jack Welch or Deepak Chopra just like every other self-labeled entrepreneur who have no chance of earning more than $37,500 per year.

“Right there’s enough to tell you that the guy’s a fake,” the source said. “And he didn’t use the words ‘utilize,’ ’bucket list’, or ‘deep dive’ anywhere throughout his profile. Nor did he claim he was passionate about his work. You got to watch out for thugs like this bozo or the next thing you know they’ll be running off with your pension money like that Ponzi-scheme Bernie Sanders guy.”

Calls to the Department of Homeland Security were not returned by press time.



Citing “no pain, no gain”, CDC issues opioid guidelines


In the midst of a growing national opioid epidemic, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued guidelines advising doctors against prescribing opioids to treat chronic pain, regardless of how much suffering their patients endure.

“It’s a game-changer,” says Andrew Kolodny, director of Physicians for Responsible Opioid Prescribing and the chief medical officer of Phoenix House, a nonprofit drug rehab. “This justifies funding for my job, which means I can continue to take it easy and wear jeans to the office everyday, which is the reason I always wanted to work for a nonprofit.”

The CDC’s guidance was prompted by the increasing number of politicians who want to look like heroes before November’s historic election.  Blowhards like Pennsylvania Senator Pat Toomey have targeted pain patients despite pleas from those suffering from severe injuries and diseases.

“Look, I used to own a bar,” said Toomey (R-PA), former proprietor of Rookies sports bar in Allentown, Pennsylvania. “I’ve seen firsthand the good time buzzed people have, so I think the more important issue is keeping abusers from gaming the system rather than helping those who should be seeking physical therapy or Aleve.”

Earlier this week, Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker signed a bill that mandates patients to register into a statewide monitoring system which would take into account all prescribed medications and sexual fetishes. This would give politicians like himself an added tool to determine which college-aged girls who apply to work for them are on the pill and which were more likely to make suitable travel companions.

Earlier this month, Maine governor Paul LePage introduced opioid legislation, limiting prescriptions for both chronic and acute pain. There has been speculation that LePage is yielding to the pressure of special interest groups representing farms that grow illegal marijuana and the powerful Heroin Lobby whose members benefit when pain patients are denied access to the medications they need most. Others, including LePage’s wife, speculate he’s a moose’s ass.

For Bob Twillman, executive director for the American Academy of Pain Management, the new law in Massachusetts is a “mound of bonafide horse crap.” He said the CDC’s move is an ominous sign that state and federal lawmakers and other lowlifes will drive patients to illegal drugs, suicide, and back alley abortions, particularly older men.

Kolodny, says the blacklash from pain advocates is akin to naysayers of global warming. “It’s a manufactured controversy,” Kolodny says. “Cancer and crushed limbs aren’t all that painful, and everybody knows it.”

CDC advisers suggest opioids should not be prescribed as “first-line” therapy for people mangled in car accidents and falls from anything less than 1,000 feet in the air. They suggest if doctors really feel they must prescribe opioids, three days of treatment or less is sufficient. They recommend going over risks and goals for pain treatment with patients. Those goals could include finding natural ways of getting high by abusing “internet drugs” such Kratom.

In November, the non-profit group Washington Legal Foundation accused the CDC of violating federal law by refusing to disclose the “Core Expert Group” who drafted the guidelines. The CDC issued a statement indicating that though sticks and stones could break their bones, names would never hurt them. When questioned if they would vow to steer clear of opioids if in fact their bones would be broken, CDC officials changed the subject and speculated whether the republicans would have a brokered convention.

The most notable resistance came from within the federal government, the Interagency Pain Research Coordinating Committee, which pointed out there were not enough pain providers or members of the so-called LGBT community represented in the group.

Dr. Deborah Dowell, the lead author of the CDC guidelines, who has a long history of membership in metropolitan S&M clubs, says the considerations of pain advocates were addressed in the most recent draft and that if they keep up their backtalk, they are going to need pain meds themselves.

Get on board for the Imminent Internet 3.0 Gold Rush

Bill Gates Internet 3.0

Twenty years ago this month, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates looked into the future and predicted how the Internet would function today — and most importantly what that would mean for small businesses.

In a paper entitled “Content is King,” Gates predicted much of the “real money” would be made on the Internet and no business would be too small to participate. How right he was!

Never in the history of the United States has there existed so much opportunity for anyone with a marketable business idea to become an entrepreneur as a result of technological advancements of the past two decades.

Compared to the technological advances of even just the past two years, 1996 looks like a modern-day stone age.

The crawling World Wide Web was just learning to walk. Landline phones, fax and courier services served as our main modes of communication. The Yellow Pages were used to seek services and the White Pages to find friends.

CompuServe and AOL were the big names in connecting people online through the lure of chat rooms. Websites were few, and less than 1 percent of the world was connected to the Internet through the painfully “fast” 56K-speed modem.

Today, email and cloud-based services such as Dropbox have taken a huge slice out of jockeying important documents. Used creatively, empowers a sales team of one to be as effective as a team of seasoned business developers.

Google has pretty much replaced phone books and has given us access to every research venue imaginable, enabling small and midsized businesses to acquire vast amounts of data that were once unaffordable.

Facebook has quieted chat rooms and message boards and has become an extremely powerful tool for retail and business-to-consumer companies.

Now, much of the world is connected to the Internet at lightning speed — all accessible from smartphones, which, by the way, replaced the highly innovative and panache flip-phone of the ’90s.

Apps downloaded to today’s smartphones can empower an entrepreneur to run a profitable business anywhere from a small apartment to a coffee shop to an office complex.

Overnight Success

Flash back to 1996, when the word “entrepreneur” was mentioned, great business leaders such as Gates, Ted Turner and Warren Buffet came to mind. Competing against corporate giants was typically not an option for small and midsized business.

That is no longer the case. Today, anyone with a Mac and something to sell can become a successful entrepreneur and create new jobs.

What a difference two decades can make. Or, these days, two years, two months and even two weeks.

Never before has there existed so vast an opportunity to become an overnight success.

Internet of Things (IoT)

So what does this small slice of history teach us?

Now, there’s a storm on the edge of the sky. It’s called the Internet of Things, or IoT. What we consider progress since the birth of the Internet will be miniscule in just four years as we celebrate the new decade.

Today, IoT is most evident on the consumer side, such as smart watches and other wearable devices.

However, great opportunity exists in the business community — just like the Internet “Gold Rush” of 20 years ago. IoT will enable businesses to automate in ways once unimaginable, reduce labor costs and compete globally like never before.

Most importantly, IoT will open a floodgate of possibilities for small and midsized businesses.

Seize the Opportunity

There is a huge advantage businesses now have that most did not in 1996: We know the Gold Rush is coming. In fact, it is here. Now is the time to seize the opportunity, because, on the flip side, never before has there been a time where so many can easily become “here today, gone later today.”

IoT will be both a blessing and a curse. Many will prosper, but seating is limited.

It will be a blessing to entrepreneurs who are now determining how IoT can benefit their business, developing a strong online marketing strategy in response to their findings, while fully establishing their online presence through consistently producing meaningful content.

Conversely, IoT will be a curse to those who will become obsolete by trying to get in too little, too late.

Ken Kilpatrick is president of Sylvia Marketing & Public Relations, a Philadelphia area-based agency specializing in getting clients in the news, or out of the news. He can be reached at 610-323-3500 or

Pennsylvania Governor’s War Against Black Children

As featured in the Harrisburg, PA Patriot-News 

By Ken Kilpatrick

Next year will mark the twentieth anniversary of the creation of Pennsylvania’s Charter School Law.


However, if Gov Tom Wolf has his way, there will be little or perhaps nothing left to celebrate.

Since taking office, Wolf has locked his sights on charter schools, effectively declaring war on many of the Commonwealth’s most vulnerable children.

During his first budget proposal, Wolf sought to slash public cyber charter school funding to a dollar amount that would make it impossible for a cyber to operate. Rather than studying what the real costs are to operate a cyber charter school, Wolf decided that choosing an arbitrary funding limit would be best.

That number was chosen based upon what it costs a certain Intermediate Unit to deliver a limited online program that does not come close to offering the comprehensive educational experience that a cyber charter school provides.

Wolf’s war is not limited to cyber charter schools. He is seeking to destroy all charters.

Gov. Tom Wolf has locked his sights on charter schools, declaring war on Pa.’s most vulnerable children.

The real issue is not about money as Mr. Wolf and his anti-public school choice allies would have Pennsylvanians believe. This is about Pennsylvania’s most vulnerable, challenged, and impoverished students.

Early in my career I met with Dr. Walter Palmer, a charter school pioneer, to seek his advice. Walt had long fought for civil rights and saw charter schools as an equal educational opportunity for inner city youth.

He implored me, “Ken, always remember charter schools are about black children.” I promised him I would.

Walt did not mean that charter schools were exclusively for African American children, which they are not.

He meant that charter schools are the key for so many impoverished children to find not only hope, but also a path to a successful future they could never otherwise obtain.

Having grown up in extreme urban poverty, I can, at least in part, understand how parents must feel who so desperately want something better for their children.

Whether he intends it or not, Mr. Wolf’s attacks on charters is a war against African American children.

It does not seem as if this millionaire businessman turned politician has the understanding or concern for the needs and rights of inner city families to have access to a fair opportunity for their children to obtain a decent education in a learning environment that understands, respects, and addresses those needs.

Rather, Wolf is seeking to rob these children of their only opportunity to escape substandard, overcrowded, and unsafe schools to obtain a quality education that will empower them to succeed in life.

Wolf is the only Pennsylvania governor who holds the distinction of proposing a new budget while the current year’s budget remains unresolved. In next year’s budget, he calls for cutting $500 million in charter school student funding which would force many public charter schools to go out of business.

He is also taking aim at special education students by gutting a huge amount of their funding. Citizens should raise serious questions about the character of anyone who would harm the ability of differently-abled children to receive the services and quality education they deserve.

Here’s the kicker. Wolf wants to eliminate the right of public charter schools to set aside reserve funds for future expenses.

Any knowledgeable Certified Public Account would agree having fund reserves is prudent, sound, and necessary.

But Wolf knows if he can get this provision through, charter schools will not have the money to survive another drawn out budget impasse.

This scenario would leave Wolf and his anti-public school choice colleagues the only ones left standing to celebrate Pennsylvania’s twentieth anniversary and now death of public school choice.

Ken Kilpatrick is CEO of Sylvia Marketing & Public Relations, a consultancy that specializes in marketing services for public charter schools, private schools, and higher education.