Earlier this week, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz praised his staff for its involvement in forcibly removing a passenger due to the airline overbooking a flight. After an outcry across social media and a 4% drop in United’s stock value, Munoz feigned an apology to the passenger, Dr. David Dao.
“Karma is a you-know-what,” Munoz said in his apology. “Doctors overbook patients all the time, sometimes 5 or more a shot. Dr. Dao got a taste of his own medicine and now the poor baby is acting like he had an overdose.”
Regardless, United faces a P.R. crisis. Munoz is alleged to have initiated marathon discussions with his public relations team to plan how to better manage any necessary physical abuse of customers. The P.R. team is said to have quickly churned out new policies that United will immediately implement.
A press release detailed those policies as follows:
- United Will Continue To Overbook Doctors – Doctors always overbook patients, jamming up their waiting rooms. “Passengers like Dr. David Dao should just shut up and take it when it’s their turn to feel what it’s like to suffer at the hand of overbooking,” Munoz said.
- Customers Will Be Reminded To Prepare For Overbooking – United will update its website and marketing materials to remind customers that United’s needs come first. After all, the airplanes belong to us, not the blokes who ride them. Customers who are selected for “re-accommodation” are expected to comply in an orderly and cheerful manner or bras will be snapped and knickers wedged.
- Customers Who Refuse To Comply With Re-Accommodation Will Receive An Initial Verbal Warning – United believes in providing customers every opportunity to peacefully re-accommodate to help United meet its needs. United employees are empowered to choose what level of verbal warning they need implement to help customers get the point. Verbal warnings may range from politely requesting customers to sacrifice their seats to more aggressively reminding them that their lives are equal to useless bags of infectious waste and they need to relinquish their seats to more important people.
- United Reserves The Right To Cane Non-Compliant Customers – Caning is an acceptable form of discipline in a number of countries. It serves two purposes: First, it typically brings rebellious customers into compliance. Second, it helps other customers to think twice should they be fortunate enough to be offered re-accommodation at some point. All United employees who interact with customers will receive United Caning Training ™ and will be provided whipping canes to use at their discretion.
- Totally Belligerent And Non-Compliant Customers Will Be Banned From Future Flights – At United, we believe people simply do not change. Customers who become belligerent and totally refuse to work with our re-accommodation specialists will be placed on United’s No-Fly List as well as referred to the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for further harassment and abuse.
“United is the nation’s top airline for a reason,” said Munoz. “Customers who think they know how to operate an airline better than we do can just walk to their next destination. We don’t need, nor do we want their business, with the exception of the checked bag and inflated beverage fees we charge.”
As a satire writer, I make people laugh by helping them see things differently. This child in my daughter’s class made me cry by doing the same. Please share.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has called on Congress to establish media term limits, a maneuver seen by top political analysts as a strategic move as he advances in his war with the press.
Trump made the announcement last week to a cheering audience during Friday’s CPAC conference.
“We are going to build a legislative wall that will stop the media’s abuse of power,” the President said. “And I will make The New York Times pay for that wall.”
During the conference, Dr. Ben Carson said he agreed with the need to curtail the media. Carson also confirmed he is African-American when asked by a CPAC participant during the Q&A session.
“The power of the press is so germane to the Constitution, it is addressed in the First Amendment,” Trump said, inadvertently holding up his pocket thesaurus rather than his Bill of Rights booklet. “However, the media has clearly abused its power, and it is our responsibility as leaders of this great nation to put an end to that abuse.”
“As president, I am limited to two terms, which is very unfortunate on one hand because I am a great leader,” Trump continued. “On the other hand, it is fortunate that my predecessor was term-limited as the guy would have made not only more of a wreck of these United States, but would have made a bigger mess within White House itself. It seems like every day, we’re still finding cigarette butts, paper wads and other garbage strewn about the place from all the parties and what-not that guy hosted.”
Trump said he would send Congress a detailed proposal by March 31. Highlights from that proposal will include:
- Political commentators: 5-10 years, whichever comes first
- Newspaper opinion writers: 2-year terms, maximum of five terms
- Political beat reporters: 2-year terms, maximum of two terms
- Political round table contributors: 1-year term to be followed by immediate waterboarding
Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.
Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.
“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.
“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”
Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.
Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.
Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches. In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”
Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.
As President Trump begins his first full day in the Oval Office, U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Massachusetts) has begun her path to becoming the 2o2o Democratic presidential nominee.
Warren announced she is a man trapped inside a woman’s body.
“I do not consider myself a lesbian or transsexual, it’s just some kind of biological thing,” Warren said. “And, I really have no sexual desire at all. I just am.”
“I consider it a gift,” Warren continued. “Being top heavy on the testosterone side gave me the strength to battle Trump on Twitter.”
Warren said due to her facial and vocal composure people often mistake her for being male.
“I’m used to it,” Warren said. “Wherever I travel people greet me as Mr. Warren, phone operators call me ‘sir’, and my husband sleeps in the other room.”
Warren is a strong advocate for the LGBTQ community. She sees her manliness as advantageous when reaching out to that group.
“Being a lady that looks like a dude has its advantages, especially as you know the ladies room line is longer at ball games,” Warren said. “So I just skedaddle on over to the men’s room, grab a stall, and squat. Nobody knows the difference otherwise.”
Elizabeth Warren Accused of Holding a “Publicity Stunt”
Rightwing theorists such as Breibart News were quick to condemn Warren’s remarks as an attempt to help Bruce “Caitlyn Jenner” renegotiate his contract after his show “I am Cait” was canceled. Several news sources and polling agencies indicated people were just too grossed out over a former male who is a presumed Olympic star and confirmed cereal box hero parading around as a lady.
“This whole tranny thing has gone too far and I’m glad to see that America is slowly returning to normality,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said during an interview with Fox News.
McConnell represents Kentucky, one of the few states in which whipping gays tied to telegraph poles remains legal.
McConnell let out a belly laugh when asked about Warren’s recent announcement.
“I’m not going to comment on that nut’s publicity stunt,” McConnell said. “Hillary used Lizzie up and then threw her away when she named that chubby guy from Virginia as her VP candidate. Warren is nothing more than an attention-seeking missile. She will say or do anything to keep herself in the press, especially now that she has her eye on running against President Trump in 2020. Next thing you know she’ll claim she still gets her period.”
A statement from Warren’s office referred to McConnell as “a rightwing evangelical douchebag who’s heading toward a nervous breakdown because he’s about to lose his job when the Democrats sweep the senate in 2018.”
McConnell replied, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, and Warren’s face will always hurt me.”
When Donald Trump is sworn in on Inauguration Day, he will take the oath using two holy books: the Koran, plus his own Bible.
The president-elect’s Bible dates back to childhood, according to the Presidential Inaugural Committee, which announced more details of Friday’s swearing-in on Tuesday.
The Bible was given to Trump by his mother when he graduated from Sunday Church Primary School at First Presbyterian Church in the Queens, New York, neighborhood of Jamaica in 1955 — just days before he turned 9 years old.
The coffee-stained paperback Koran Trump intends to use was purchased online from a discount used bookseller for $1.50. His secretary made the purchase during a lunch break last week. She also purchased a used copy of the Koran For Dummies to help the President-elect get up to speed on the basics of radical Islamic scripture.
The inaugural committee’s chairman said Trump was “humbled” to have his own Bible, as well as the Koran, included in his swearing-in ceremony.
“My predecessor President Obama was clearly a Muslim, and I intend to show deference and respect to him as well to all highly vetted Muslim-Americans,” Trump said.
When a member of the press pool challenged Mr. Trump to prove Obama was a Muslim, the President-elect quickly put the question to rest.
“Look, when I was in Sunday school, we were taught not to be professing Christians, but rather to let our light shine so that people would know we were in the fold,” Trump said. “President Obama has not overtly said he was a Muslim, but it was obvious from the get-go that that guy in fact was. One of the first things he did on his Apology Tour after being elected was head over to Arab nations and bow to sheiks and swamis. His whole damned presidency was about appeasing Muslims and I’m trying to show a little bit of respect to his legacy before I cancel out everything he accomplished during his presidency.”
Trump’s oath of office will be administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who is expected to remain sober for the event.
Vice President-elect Mike Pence, meanwhile, will take the oath using the Reagan family Bible, the inaugural committee announced over the weekend.
“President Ronald Reagan placed his faith in a loving God and the goodness of our country. He set out to change a nation and in doing so, he changed the world. In the march of history, Ronald Reagan’s time in office was limited, but his legacy inspired a generation and will continue beyond,” Pence said in a statement.
The Democratic National Committee responded to Pence in a one-word tweet: “Hogwash.”
Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”
“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”
CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”
“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”
Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.
“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”
“You don’t say,” Cooper said.
“I do say,” Clinton said.
“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”
Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.
“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.
“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”
“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”
“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”
Earlier this month, Hillary Clinton was spotted alone at breakfast in upstate New York, clutching her phone with two hands, sad eyes gazing at its screen.
Minutes after the photo was tweeted, armchair psychologists across the U.S. determined how she was feeling (forlorn, obviously). After all, anyone who’s seen a friend go through a bad breakup knows the look well.
In addition to deleting batches of emails that piled up over the election, Hillary has soothed her spirit through a more wholesome, time-honored practice among carpet-bagging New Yorkers: a slow stroll in the woods. What better way to numb the pain caused by recent disappointments than hiking alongside eager picture-posting fans and a husband who happened to occupy the very position you lost?
And though the election was lost, recovery was bittersweet. A young mom and her baby had the opportunity to be photographed with the first woman to lose a presidential election. A grieving candidate was comforted knowing that those who voted for her were still with her. And of course, Bill being who he is, savored the moments of snapping photos of a hot young mom in yoga pants.
Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.
After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.
Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.
“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”
Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees:
- Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
- Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
- Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
- Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
- Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
- Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
- Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
- Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
- Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
- Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
- Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”
President-elect Donald Trump announced Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), will be his chief of staff.
“Dammit to hell!” Walter Hitchcock, a Pennsylvania-based Trump supporter said at a recent press conference. “We elected Trump because we hate Hillary’s guts and because we’re sick of the establishment. Reince is totally emblematic of the establishment. He hung out with the Bush family and Senator Lindsey Graham. Probably also hung out in a few fag bars, if you know what I mean. Just look at the guy.”
“Might as well call him ‘Reince the gay prince’ if you ask me,” Hitchcock added, spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.
Hitchcock and other middle-class Republicans took to suburban housing developments and upscale shopping centers in sometimes violent riots. In Hitchcock’s hometown of Wyomissing, PA, rioters smashed windows at a local mall complex, vandalized cars in the parking lot, and threw Starbucks latte cups at police.
“Many of us feel disenfranchised and betrayed,” Bob Watson, Grand Dragon of the North Carolina-based Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and owner of a national brokerage firm said. “It is inconceivable that our President-elect would yield to the establishment, appointing one of their own to the highest post in his administration. What’s next, Governor Christie for Attorney General?”
CEOs in corporate campuses throughout the United States are providing safe spaces complete with puppies and coloring books for executives who are mourning the appointment.
To date, neither President Obama nor President-elect Trump have stepped forward to ask Republicans to stop the violence and to protest peacefully.
Combat wounded veteran thanks YOU. He will donate to the Wounded Warrior Project – so please like and share!
SELLERSVILLE, PA — Every four years over the past three decades, students at Sellersville Elementary School in Sellersville, PA have held schoolwide mock presidential elections. And, in each election, the candidate whom the school picked as the winner went on to lose in the U.S. elections.
This week, Sellersville Elementary has elected Hillary Clinton as the next U.S president.
“We are proud of our mock presidential elections record regardless of the outcome,” Second-Grade Teacher Mrs. Hughes said. “Although we haven’t always gotten it right, we try harder than those who actually are able to vote. That’s what really matters.”
Hughes says that because of the various anomalies involved in this year’s race between Mrs. Clinton and Donald Trump, she believes her school has accurately predicted the outcome.
“Polling from both our first grade and second-grade classes has consistently shown Mrs. Clinton ahead by wide margins. During the polling process, students asked lunch ladies, crossing guards, and siblings various questions to determine what most people are thinking. We are confident their answers reveal the mood of the electorate.”
Sellersville Elementary is part of the Pennridge School District. The district represents a 98 percent caucasian population with 95 percent of households having incomes exceeding $80,000 per year.
Mrs. Hughes confirmed during a press conference that no tax dollars were used to fund the school’s mock presidential elections.
“When you’re a star ex-presidents let you do it. You can do anything. Grab him by the pen@#!,” “You can do anything!”
Steven Tyler and Kenny the K hit the # 3 leadership spot on the lovely Carol Roth’s website. Check it out here!
Coughing breaks, steps stools, and timeouts are among the list of rules for the first presidential debate on Monday night.
The Presidential Debate Commission this weekend finalized its List of Debate Rules, Decorum, and Formality (the List) for the debate. The List is required by the Presidential Debate Rules of Procedure which Congress adopted in 1861 to codify debates after the infamous and hostile Lincoln and Douglas Debates. The List is made exclusively by the Presidential Debate Commission without input from the candidates.
The commission denied Clinton’s request to use a step stool to compensate for her smallness in stature. Clinton is a small but mighty 5’4″. Mighty as she may be, her campaign is concerned she could be “dwarfed” by Donald Trump, who stands 6’2″ tall. However, the commission did approve a custom-made podium, which will accommodate the difference in stature.
More than 100 million people are expected to watch the first presidential debate between Clinton and Donald J. Trump, which will be held at Hofstra University in Long Island, New York. The debate rules state that Clinton will have to “power through” any coughing fit, feinting spells, or other medical crisis should such events occur. The commission reasoned that the candidates are vying to be commander-in-chief of the armed forces and therefore should sustain their shortcomings as a leader should. Clinton’s special podium request was granted in deference to Napoleon as the 5’7″ leader nearly conquered the world.
Clinton Campaign Manager and Gay Right’s Activist and Robby Mook said his candidate is prepared to prevail over Trump Monday.
“Hillary has been taking frequent naps and getting full night’s sleep so she is well rested and ready to go,” said Mook. “Trump has been running around battleground states like a fool, burning himself out. This is going to be a victory of the turtle versus the hare. Regardless of her age, Hillary still has youthful energy and poise. And if you could see her without her pantsuits, you would agree, the lady has still got it. Even as a gay man, I can tell she’s hotter than a summer night in the Sahara.”
Lester Holt, anchor of NBC’s “Nightly News” will moderate the first debate.
Trump said he’s pleased with the List and looks forward to the debates.
“Hillary needs more than the special podium as she comes up short in more than just her lack of height,” Trump said. “Her policies are short, her message is short, and her vision for America is short. Plus, she started the birther movement and I finished it.”
WASHINGTON — A deeply divided House of Representatives impeached Today Show anchor Matt Lauer Friday on charges of journalistic sexism.
Leading Democrats accused Lauer of posing tougher questions to Hillary Clinton during NBC’s recent “Commander-in-Chief Forum” than those he asked of Trump.
Lauer was also charged with “Obstruction of Pantsuits.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said Lauer used that tactic to “paint a granny-like Betsy Ross image of Hillary.”
“There is no question that Lauer wanted the American people to see Hillary’s role as a matriarch on a rocking chair,” Pelosi said. “Lauer’s shaved head and Trump’s empty mind were working together like hand and glove.”
Lauer is the first American journalist in history to be impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives.
Lauer told reporters he was disappointed but not surprised by the House impeachment vote. He vowed to serve out the remaining two years in his contract.
“I was committed to seeking a quick bipartisan compromise, but that’s not how things work in Washington anymore,” Lauer said.
Following the votes, the Congressional Press Pool rode buses to Trump Towers and stood behind Lauer at a media event where the news anchor pledged to continue to fight and asked for national reconciliation.
“We need to move beyond reverse sexism and get on with the business of the country,” Lauer said. “For heaven’s sake, we’re trying to elect a president!”
Noticing the massive publicity Melania Trump enjoyed after being accused of plagiarizing Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton announced she also plans to “repurpose some good copy.”
A statement released by the Clinton Campaign on Wednesday indicated Mrs. Clinton has been reviewing Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation “to determine relevant parts she can lift that fit into today’s America.”
In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Clinton detailed what she meant by “today’s America.”
“You know, Anderson, the Emancipation Proclamation was truly a great speech, but it’s fairly one-sided as it measures up against today’s society,” Clinton said. “And I am sure if President Lincoln were here today, he would both endorse me, and would want to make sure the speech contained elements that not only please those of us who enjoy white privilege, but also reaches to the heart and the concerns of the Black Lives Matter movement, peace-loving Muslims regardless of whether they wish to harm us, illegal immigrants of all nationalities, police reform activists, and of course, the LGBT community.”
Cooper reminded Clinton that he is openly gay and appreciates that she believes President Lincoln would defend his right to enjoy naked horseplay with other men.
“Well, Anderson, that’s what friends are for,” Clinton said with a smile, and a wink, and a sparkle in her eye.
“Are you Dionneifying me?” Cooper chuckled.
“Hey don’t forget, we also have Elton in there as well, so perhaps I’m Johnifying you?” Clinton said.
“I’m not sure how I feel about being call a john, although it certainly would not be the first time. But let me say this: Elton was and remains a great leader and role model for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I give no small credit to his sacrifice in laying the foundation for men like me to not only come out my mother’s closet, but doing so wearing one of her latest fashions.”
“You know, Cooper, if I’m elected president—and of course I will be as I’ve already told the American people all they want hear—I plan to name you as this great country’s first Mayor of the Gay Community,” Clinton said.
Cooper became so choked up with tears that CNN was forced to take an unscheduled commercial break.
Editor’s note: Special thanks to followers Lisha DeRycke Hallek and Stef Aneli for their valuable assistance in helping me craft, edit, and plagiarize this report.