NFL Players to Honor LGBT Community on Both Knees

Following the widespread media coverage pro athletes throughout the NFL attracted over the past few weeks, free agent Colin Kaepernick is calling on players to once again “take a knee” — this time in support of the LGBTQ community.

“I am calling on every NFL player, coach, and team player to get on both knees and lock arms during the national anthem in support of the LGBTQ community,” Kaepernick said at a press conference in San Francisco.

The press event was held at “The Stud,” a five-star gay nightclub, which the birthplace of the legendary drag show “Trannyshack.”

During the press conference, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Kaepernick what motivated him to call on players to stand behind the LGBTQ community.

“I’m not taking any homophobic heckling in the form of questions until I am done speaking, so why don’t you sit down and shut up?” Kaepernick quipped.

“Excuse me, sir, but I happen to be a celebrated gay man and Gloria Vanderbilt’s son, so not only am I gay, I grew up surrounded by the world’s most refined homosexual and lesbian role models of our time,” Cooper said.

“Sorry man, I was just trying to imitate President Trump, but I guess you just didn’t get the joke,” Kaepernick said. “But you asked a fantastic question. Really terrific. The reason why I am calling on everyone to take both knees and lock arms to support gay guys like you is simple: I got a real kick out of watching everyone follow my legacy over the past few weeks. I mean, people are like sheep. They really do have that herd mentality, and nobody wants to be on the outside, you know?”

“So, I’m going for the gays,” Kaepernick continued. “They are like the hot trend right now. Everybody is either gay or wants to be gay. It’s the in thing. Or, on a good night, the in and out thing.”

“And when you think about it, the gay man has been oppressed for too long,” Kaepernick continued. “It’s time someone knelt down and did something nice for him…and I don’t mean in the way he’s used to having that done. Anderson, can you imagine on Sunday, you’re spooning with your partner, or whatever you are calling each other these days, and you see all these NFL people on their knees in your honor?”

Oh I like it, like it, like it,” Cooper shouted out with glee.

“What a funky lady!” Kaepernick responded, hip-bumping Anderson.

“Colin, I’d like to make a special request, if I may,” Cooper said. “I love the idea of taking a knee, especially since two knees will be involved. But could we also add ‘take a shower?’ I would love if everyone would just do another encore after the game by kneeling and locking arms in the shower. I promise to give the guys special coverage.”

Sources close to Kaepernick indicate the quarterback ran from the press conference, gripping his hair, muttering repeatedly, “God help me, what have I done?”

The Onion mocks Las Vegas rampage – Tell them to Retract!

Investigators work the scene Monday, Oct. 2, 2017, after a mass shooting at a music festival near the Mandalay Bay resort and casino on the Las Vegas Strip on Sunday night in Las Vegas. Photo credit: CHRIS CARLSON/AP

As the death toll climbs in Sunday night’s historic rampage in Las Vegas, The Onion shamelessly mocked the attack. Tell The Onion to retract the story and to apologize for its lack of judgment!  Click Here For The Story.

The Onion mocks Las Vegas slain – Satirist calls for apology

Just one day following the horrific slaying of scores of people by a deranged gunman, The Onion released several articles mocking the slayings. The Onion is the nation’s most recognized satirical news venue.

The October 2, 2017 edition of The Onion carried two disturbing “above the fold” articles:

NRA Says Mass Shootings Just The Unfortunate Price Of Protecting People’s Freedom To Commit Mass Shootings,” and, “‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens.”  The content of each is even more disturbing.

National blogger and satire author Kenny Kahn (Kilpatrick) is calling upon The Onion to retract the pieces and apologize for its “gross lack of judgment.”  Kahn manages a political satire blog called “RealClear Satire,” and is the author of Memoirs of a Nation Gone Nuts: A Satirical Review of Election 2016.

 

Steven Tyler Ken Kilpatrick

Satirist Kenny Kahn Kilpatrick shares hug with Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler

“While the purpose of Satire is to convey an important, hidden message that often points out societal or political flaws that need to be corrected, The Onion went far over the line by using the victims of the Las Vegas rampage as fodder for a few laughs,” said Kahn. “The Onion needs to retract these articles and apologize for its careless misuse of satire.”

Kahn says he otherwise enjoys The Onion and in fact was encouraged by one of the magazine’s founders to write Memoirs of a Nation Gone Nuts.

“After connecting with Scott Dikkers through social media, he indicated he was familiar with my blog and suggested that I incorporate the Election 2016 material into a book, which I did,” said Kahn. “Prior to that, writing a book had not crossed my mind. I consider Scott a role model and mentor. I am glad he had no part in the October 2, 2017, Las Vegas articles.”

“There is no question satire must and should poke at topics that most people won’t touch,” Kahn said. “Nobody does it better than The Onion. But this time, the publication went too far and needs to apologize and get back to the business of decent indecency.”

Trump Adds NFL To Travel Ban

 

“Keep ’em the hell home!” 

Those were the five words President Donald J. Trump uttered as he signed an executive order adding NFL teams to his controversial travel ban.

“Even Lee Greenwood must be ashamed to be an American after watching those thugs drop to their knees as if they were in some LGBT locker room,” Trump said, referring to the NFL players who knelt in protest at various games throughout the country Sunday. “Those bums are no heroes. They’re a bunch of overpaid, tattooed, unbathed hippy skanks with the morals of Al Qaeda Operatives or Clinton Campaign volunteers if you ask me.”

Trump’s Executive Order, called the “Real Men Don’t Kneel With Other Men Act,” adds NFL teams to a growing list of countries from which travel to the United States is forbidden. Since the NFL players are already located in the United States, the Real Men Act includes a specific provision that prevents NFL team players known to “bend the knee, bend over, or sport hairstyles that look like a bison’s rectal fuzz from traveling together for the purpose of playing professional football.”

“Chad, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Somalia, Syria, Venezuela, Yemen, and now the NFL needs to learn that if you want to play in the United States, you are going to play by the rules,” Trump said, blowing his nose into a Know Your Rights camp tee-shirt.

“I’ve got a country to run, hurricane-ravaged destination points to repair, and insults to tweet,” Trump said. “I don’t have the time to argue with a bunch of little girls in NFL uniforms on their knees like some late night-lady down on 42nd street. Ill-gotten booty’s not my style. Let them follow their butt-fuzz-headed leader straight to unemployment. Fire the sons of bitches!”

Sources close to Kim Jong-un indicate he is considering launching a nuclear attack on America in retaliation for Trump including Colin Kaepernick on the same list as North Korea.

“Apparently, dictators are capable of undergoing moments of morality when provoked,” said U.S. Senator John McCain who sometimes feigns the role as a hero from the Vietnam War.

ViagraGate: FBI Investigates Russian Rumors about Pill’s Side Effects

In an operation that began under former FBI Director James Comey, the feds are investigating allegations that Russia may have tampered with America’s use of Viagra.

At the heart of the investigation dubbed “Viagragate,” Russian agents doubling as doctors and pharmaceutical sales reps are alleged to have spread rumors that Viagra has a side effect that causes men to uncontrollably pass gas during intercourse.

“Men across the country are reported to have experienced severe flatulence during their most intimate and tender moments after ingesting even minimal doses of Viagra,” Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Acting Director Ann Schuchat, M.D. said at a recent press conference. “These gas-passing episodes produce feculent odors of the worst possible kind, causing both partners to forgo climaxing and forces them to almost immediately cease intercourse.”

“The party responsible for planting these rumors has tapped into the knowledge that psychosomatic disorders combined with a small dose of Viagra can produce dire consequences,” Schuchat said.

President Trump tweeted:

“Once again the Fake News media outlets like CNN are perpetuating information based on nothing more than hot air. Sad!”

Trump later tweeted an MTV Celebrity Grudge Match GIF with his face superimposed over Monica Lewinsky and CNN’s logo over Hillary Clinton. The president quietly removed the GIF after the Twitterspace exploded in anger. Sarah Palin also mocked Trump in a tweet that she also has since deleted, but not before the president tweeted back, “I can see your hockey mom haggard old buffalo butt from my White House!”

Sources close to the White House indicated that the FBI’s investigation “stinks of typical agenda-ridden propaganda left over from the previous administration.”

Those sources confirmed that President Trump is mulling over formally requesting Congress to investigate the FBI itself over what appears to be blatant corruption.

Speaking in anonymity, one Viagragate survivor said that his new bride left him during the second day of their honeymoon because he was unable to control his flatulence during intercourse.

“We were both married before and thought when we found each other, we found our soul mate,” he said, choking back tears. “I awoke to a note she left on her side of the bed that said, ‘As you know, my former husband had irritable bowel syndrome. Apparently, I’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire…in this case, the sulfurs from Hell’s Lake of Fire have destroyed our fledgling marriage. I am returning to my real husband and I ask that you do not fight me as I seek an annulment of ours.’”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Schuchat if there were any reports of gay couples who had also experienced similar side effects. Cooper was sweating profusely, dabbing his brow with a cloth, walking as if he was experiencing lower back pain.

Cooper’s face crunched into a hard squint and a loud noise cracked from his backside. An unbearable odor suddenly filled the space around him and the room quickly cleared.

“I think we have our answer,” Schuchat said as she vacated the podium, tears flowing down her cheeks as if she just bit into a freshly harvested onion.

Calls to the Russian Embassy were not returned by press time.

United Airlines: Doctors Overbook Too!

Earlier this week, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz praised his staff for its involvement in forcibly removing a passenger due to the airline overbooking a flight. After an outcry across social media and a 4% drop in United’s stock value, Munoz feigned an apology to the passenger, Dr. David Dao.

“Karma is a you-know-what,” Munoz said in his apology. “Doctors overbook patients all the time, sometimes 5 or more a shot. Dr. Dao got a taste of his own medicine and now the poor baby is acting like he had an overdose.”

Regardless, United faces a P.R. crisis. Munoz is alleged to have initiated marathon discussions with his public relations team to plan how to better manage any necessary physical abuse of customers. The P.R. team is said to have quickly churned out new policies that United will immediately implement.

A press release detailed those policies as follows:

  1. United Will Continue To Overbook Doctors – Doctors always overbook patients, jamming up their waiting rooms.  “Passengers like Dr. David Dao should just shut up and take it when it’s their turn to feel what it’s like to suffer at the hand of overbooking,” Munoz said.
  1. Customers Will Be Reminded To Prepare For Overbooking – United will update its website and marketing materials to remind customers that United’s needs come first. After all, the airplanes belong to us, not the blokes who ride them. Customers who are selected for “re-accommodation” are expected to comply in an orderly and cheerful manner or bras will be snapped and knickers wedged.
  1. Customers Who Refuse To Comply With Re-Accommodation Will Receive An Initial Verbal Warning – United believes in providing customers every opportunity to peacefully re-accommodate to help United meet its needs. United employees are empowered to choose what level of verbal warning they need implement to help customers get the point. Verbal warnings may range from politely requesting customers to sacrifice their seats to more aggressively reminding them that their lives are equal to useless bags of infectious waste and they need to relinquish their seats to more important people.
  1. United Reserves The Right To Cane Non-Compliant Customers – Caning is an acceptable form of discipline in a number of countries. It serves two purposes: First, it typically brings rebellious customers into compliance. Second, it helps other customers to think twice should they be fortunate enough to be offered re-accommodation at some point. All United employees who interact with customers will receive United Caning Training ™ and will be provided whipping canes to use at their discretion.
  1. Totally Belligerent And Non-Compliant Customers Will Be Banned From Future Flights – At United, we believe people simply do not change. Customers who become belligerent and totally refuse to work with our re-accommodation specialists will be placed on United’s No-Fly List as well as referred to the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for further harassment and abuse.

“United is the nation’s top airline for a reason,” said Munoz. “Customers who think they know how to operate an airline better than we do can just walk to their next destination. We don’t need, nor do we want their business, with the exception of the checked bag and inflated beverage fees we charge.”

President Trump Calls for Media Term Limits

Trump CPAC Photo

President Donald J. Trump announced at CPAC 2017 his plans to enact media term limits.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has called on Congress to establish media term limits, a maneuver seen by top political analysts as a strategic move as he advances in his war with the press.

Trump made the announcement last week to a cheering audience during Friday’s CPAC conference.

“We are going to build a legislative wall that will stop the media’s abuse of power,” the President said. “And I will make The New York Times pay for that wall.”

During the conference, Dr. Ben Carson said he agreed with the need to curtail the media. Carson also confirmed he is African-American when asked by a CPAC participant during the Q&A session.

“The power of the press is so germane to the Constitution, it is addressed in the First Amendment,” Trump said, inadvertently holding up his pocket thesaurus rather than his Bill of Rights booklet. “However, the media has clearly abused its power, and it is our responsibility as leaders of this great nation to put an end to that abuse.”

“As president, I am limited to two terms, which is very unfortunate on one hand because I am a great leader,” Trump continued. “On the other hand, it is fortunate that my predecessor was term-limited as the guy would have made not only more of a wreck of these United States, but would have made a bigger mess within White House itself. It seems like every day, we’re still finding cigarette butts, paper wads and other garbage strewn about the place from all the parties and what-not that guy hosted.”

Trump said he would send Congress a detailed proposal by March 31. Highlights from that proposal will include:

  • Political commentators: 5-10 years, whichever comes first
  • Newspaper opinion writers: 2-year terms, maximum of five terms
  • Political beat reporters: 2-year terms, maximum of two terms
  • Political round table contributors: 1-year term to be followed by immediate waterboarding

Trump also suggests that staff writers for Vox, Huffington Post, and Slate and other venues of massive fake news sources serve a mandatory five-year federal prison sentence prior to employment.

Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

Elizabeth Warren Says She is a Man, Mulls 2020 Presidential Run

Senator says, "I don't know what I am, a woman or a man..."

SPRINGFIELD, MA – Dec 2: Elizabeth Warren speaks during the 2016 Massachusetts LGBT Convention, held at the MassMutual Center in Springfield. (Photo by Aram Boghosian/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)

As President Trump begins his first full day in the Oval Office, U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Massachusetts) has begun her path to becoming the 2o2o Democratic presidential nominee.

Her platform?

Warren announced she is a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

“I do not consider myself a lesbian or transsexual, it’s just some kind of biological thing,” Warren said. “And, I really have no sexual desire at all. I just am.”

“I consider it a gift,” Warren continued. “Being top heavy on the testosterone side gave me the strength to battle Trump on Twitter.”

Warren said due to her facial and vocal composure people often mistake her for being male.

“I’m used to it,” Warren said. “Wherever I travel people greet me as Mr. Warren, phone operators call me ‘sir’, and my husband sleeps in the other room.”

Warren is a strong advocate for the LGBTQ community. She sees her manliness as advantageous when reaching out to that group.

“Being a lady that looks like a dude has its advantages, especially as you know the ladies room line is longer at ball games,” Warren said. “So I just skedaddle on over to the men’s room, grab a stall, and squat. Nobody knows the difference otherwise.”

Elizabeth Warren Accused of Holding a “Publicity Stunt”

Rightwing theorists such as Breibart News were quick to condemn Warren’s remarks as an attempt to help Bruce “Caitlyn Jenner” renegotiate his contract after his show “I am Cait” was canceled. Several news sources and polling agencies indicated people were just too grossed out over a former male who is a presumed Olympic star and confirmed cereal box hero parading around as a lady.

“This whole tranny thing has gone too far and I’m glad to see that America is slowly returning to normality,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said during an interview with Fox News.

McConnell represents Kentucky, one of the few states in which whipping gays tied to telegraph poles remains legal.

McConnell let out a belly laugh when asked about Warren’s recent announcement.

“I’m not going to comment on that nut’s publicity stunt,” McConnell said. “Hillary used Lizzie up and then threw her away when she named that chubby guy from Virginia as her VP candidate. Warren is nothing more than an attention-seeking missile. She will say or do anything to keep herself in the press, especially now that she has her eye on running against President Trump in 2020. Next thing you know she’ll claim she still gets her period.”

A statement from Warren’s office referred to McConnell as “a rightwing evangelical douchebag who’s heading toward a nervous breakdown because he’s about to lose his job when the Democrats sweep the senate in 2018.”

McConnell replied, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, and Warren’s face will always hurt me.”

Trump to be Sworn In as President Using Koran, and his Own Bible

When Donald Trump is sworn in on Inauguration Day, he will take the oath using two holy books: the Koran, plus his own Bible.

The president-elect’s Bible dates back to childhood, according to the Presidential Inaugural Committee, which announced more details of Friday’s swearing-in on Tuesday.

The Bible was given to Trump by his mother when he graduated from Sunday Church Primary School at First Presbyterian Church in the Queens, New York, neighborhood of Jamaica in 1955 — just days before he turned 9 years old.

The coffee-stained paperback Koran Trump intends to use was purchased online from a discount used bookseller for $1.50.  His secretary made the purchase during a lunch break last week. She also purchased a used copy of the Koran For Dummies to help the President-elect get up to speed on the basics of radical Islamic scripture.

The inaugural committee’s chairman said Trump was “humbled” to have his own Bible, as well as the Koran, included in his swearing-in ceremony.

“My predecessor President Obama was clearly a Muslim, and I intend to show deference and respect to him as well to all highly vetted Muslim-Americans,” Trump said.

When a member of the press pool challenged Mr. Trump to prove Obama was a Muslim, the President-elect quickly put the question to rest.

“Look, when I was in Sunday school, we were taught not to be professing Christians, but rather to let our light shine so that people would know we were in the fold,” Trump said. “President Obama has not overtly said he was a Muslim, but it was obvious from the get-go that that guy in fact was. One of the first things he did on his Apology Tour after being elected was head over to Arab nations and bow to sheiks and swamis. His whole damned presidency was about appeasing Muslims and I’m trying to show a little bit of respect to his legacy before I cancel out everything he accomplished during his presidency.”

Trump’s oath of office will be administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who is expected to remain sober for the event.

Vice President-elect Mike Pence, meanwhile, will take the oath using the Reagan family Bible, the inaugural committee announced over the weekend.

“President Ronald Reagan placed his faith in a loving God and the goodness of our country. He set out to change a nation and in doing so, he changed the world. In the march of history, Ronald Reagan’s time in office was limited, but his legacy inspired a generation and will continue beyond,” Pence said in a statement.

The Democratic National Committee responded to Pence in a one-word tweet: “Hogwash.”

Clinton: Trump Will Be A Great President

Former Opponent Says Trump Won Election "Fair and Square"

Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”

“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”

“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”

Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.

“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”

“You don’t say,” Cooper said.

“I do say,” Clinton said.

“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”

Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.

“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.

“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”

“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”

“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”

Déjà Vu: It’s Those Damned Emails Again

Clinton Spotted Deleting Post-Election Emails

Earlier this month, Hillary Clinton was spotted alone at breakfast in upstate New York, clutching her phone with two hands, sad eyes gazing at its screen.

Sad eyes, turn the other way
I don’t want to see you cry
Sad eyes, you knew there’d come a day
When we would have to say “goodbye”

Minutes after the photo was tweeted, armchair psychologists across the U.S. determined how she was feeling (forlorn, obviously). After all, anyone who’s seen a friend go through a bad breakup knows the look well.

Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we, could we?

In addition to deleting batches of emails that piled up over the election, Hillary has soothed her spirit through a more wholesome, time-honored practice among carpet-bagging New Yorkers: a slow stroll in the woods. What better way to numb the pain caused by recent disappointments than hiking alongside eager picture-posting fans and a husband who happened to occupy the very position you lost?

And though the election was lost, recovery was bittersweet. A young mom and her baby had the opportunity to be photographed with the first woman to lose a presidential election. A grieving candidate was comforted knowing that those who voted for her were still with her. And of course, Bill being who he is, savored the moments of snapping photos of a hot young mom in yoga pants.

Lean on me, when you’re not strong, And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on …For it won’t be long… ‘Til I’m gonna need Somebody to lean on…

Trump Considers Supreme Court Nominees

President Elect Narrows Short List to Replace Scalia

Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.

After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.

Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”

Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees: 

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”

Republicans Riot over Trump’s Appointee

republican protestsrp

President-elect Donald Trump announced Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), will be his chief of staff.

“Dammit to hell!” Walter Hitchcock, a Pennsylvania-based Trump supporter said at a recent press conference. “We elected Trump because we hate Hillary’s guts and because we’re sick of the establishment. Reince is totally emblematic of the establishment. He hung out with the Bush family and Senator Lindsey Graham. Probably also hung out in a few fag bars, if you know what I mean. Just look at the guy.”

“Might as well call him ‘Reince the gay prince’ if you ask me,” Hitchcock added, spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.

Hitchcock and other middle-class Republicans took to suburban housing developments and upscale shopping centers in sometimes violent riots. In Hitchcock’s hometown of Wyomissing, PA, rioters smashed windows at a local mall complex, vandalized cars in the parking lot, and threw Starbucks latte cups at police.

“Many of us feel disenfranchised and betrayed,” Bob Watson, Grand Dragon of the North Carolina-based Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and owner of a national brokerage firm said. “It is inconceivable that our President-elect would yield to the establishment, appointing one of their own to the highest post in his administration. What’s next, Governor Christie for Attorney General?”

CEOs in corporate campuses throughout the United States are providing safe spaces complete with puppies and coloring books for executives who are mourning the appointment.

To date, neither President Obama nor President-elect Trump have stepped forward to ask Republicans to stop the violence and to protest peacefully.