You’re not a Sissy for Crying over Hillary’s Loss

College campuses across the US are setting up “Safe Cry Zones” and bringing in therapy puppies for students and professors who are devasted that Hillary lost and Donald won. We here at RealClear Satire want you to know that it’s OK to cry. You’re not a sissy!

Eliminating Workplace Toxicity

toxic peanuts

Workplace toxicity can train-wreck employee productivity and ultimately affect the bottom line. Employees who are present in the body, but emotionally elsewhere because of stress, cost companies more in worker productivity than do workers who play hooky.

A study conducted by Willis Towers Watson revealed a stressed-out work environment costs small and midsized businesses an average of 12.4 days of productivity each year per affected employee. This equates to annual $300 billion, the report said.

“I don’t see how that’s possible given that we only sell about $2 million dollars per year,” questioned Ronald Walheim, President of Walheim’s Carpets in Ashland City, Tennessee.

“We treat our employees like they deserve to be treated, which ain’t all that bad half the time. But it don’t cost us no $300 billion, dang lying cheese ball consultants.”

Walheim’s Carpets has been serving area customers for 22 years.

Walheim says that despite the differences between the Willis Towers Watson report and his views, Walheim’s Carpets has no problem retaining employees for as long as they’re useful.

“Most of our twelve workers have been with the company for at least six months,” Walheim said. “That’s a pretty doggone good track record if you ask me.”

To help other businesses enjoy the same successes, Walheim suggests five key tactics to maintain a nontoxic work environment that benefits the company and its bottom line.

Keep your Enemies Close, your Employees Closer

Walheim suggests keeping close tabs on your employees is essential to success. He says 10-12 hour workdays and an unpaid ½ hour lunch will ensure employees remain loyal, honest, and controllable.

“The good Lord gives each of us so much energy a day, so it’s best to make sure employees use that energy at work,” said Walheim. “Besides, workin’ ‘em from sun up till sundown ensures they get no time to go a-job huntin’. Rascals will hop to another job for another quarter an hour if you let ‘em.”

Offer Employee Assistance

The Willis Tower Watson study revealed that stress and depression are the leading factors in draining productivity. Anxiety over personal finances is cited as an equal threat.

The study suggests helping workers to address these factors can improve employer/employee relationships and can maximize productivity.

A common strategy for helping distressed or substance-abusing workers is to provide an employee assistance program (EAP). Such programs offer employees resources such as therapy, financial management training, and career and life guidance.

Walheim’s Carpets has developed a unique approach to helping employees cope with underlying stressors:

“What we do is sit employees down on their own time and help them navigate Google to find where they can get the help they need at a price they can afford,” said Walheim.

When asked if the company financially contributes to helping its employees, Walheim said, “Not a chance! It ain’t our fault if they can’t put up with a little bit of hard work. And we’re certainly not going to bail anyone out who gets himself hooked on drugs or booze.”

Ironically, Walheim crushed his third can of Old Milwaukee as his digital clock rolled into 10:30 a.m. When we pointed it out he replied, “It’s happy hour somewheres.”

Enforce Mandatory Vacation Time

Walheim said that everybody needs a little time away and that in so doing, employees will return refreshed and ready to work.

“We require our employees to take unpaid time off when my family goes on vacation, two weeks in August and between Christmas and New Year’s,” said Walheim.

“That way, we don’t have to worry about them stealing from us or chasing away any customers,” he continued. “And the beauty of it is that they get a little fresh air so they can come back and work even harder than before.”

Aggressively Monitor Employees’ Social Media Activities

One good way to maintain low turnover is to keep a close eye on employees’ social media accounts, Walheim advises.

“We require our employees to friend us on Facebook, connect with us on LinkedIn, and we follow them on Twitter,” he said. “That way we can look for signs of employees trying to find another job or making fun of the boss. If we suspect that they are trying to leave, we just make them work longer hours including weekends. That benefits both parties as we don’t pay these people no time-and-a-half.”

Walheim says that the best time to connect with employees is when you offer them the job.

“I recommend making it a term of employment or they can go elsewhere,” he said.

Discipline Employees Accordingly

Walheim believes that discipline makes employees stronger and thus provides a more profitable company.

“Nobody likes to give out discipline unless he’s some kind of sicko, but sometimes you just have to,” he said. “As long as it’s done out of love and concern, then it’s proper.”

Walheim says the first step should be to slam the employee up against the wall and “look ‘em in the eye and tell ‘em you mean business.”

“It’s tough love, but most of the time, it works,” he said.

We asked Walheim what happens when shoving the employee against a wall doesn’t work.

“Four outta five Tennessee dentists recommend knocking the gnarly rodent’s teeth out when you gotta,” he said. “And let me tell you, our local dentist ain’t ever hurting for business.”

Trusted sources told us that Walheim’s Carpets was under a joint investigation by the Tennessee Department of Labor & Workforce Development and the County Sherriff’s Office.

Officials in both agencies said they would neither confirm nor deny an investigation was under way, but conceded that some of Walheim’s suggestions “aren’t altogether bad.”

The Failure Fad is Failing those who don’t have to Fail 


Are you bound to fail?

Probably not. However, current rhetoric would lead one to believe that slow train is coming. It’s just stopping at every station before it gets to yours.

Failure has become a more popular topic over the past few years than it ever has been. It’s got its own Twitter hashtag. It’s been the headline of numerous blogs. It lurks in every social media corner. In nearly every venue, somebody is offering advice about why failure can make you stronger and how to manage when it happens.

In fact, I recently saw a tweet that said, “If you haven’t failed at least 5x today, you haven’t tried enough new things.”

I would submit that one who fails five times each day probably wouldn’t pass a field sobriety test.

Let’s take a closer look at who’s chatting about failure. Many times it’s the once-relevant trying to remain relevant. Among those are the former stars of the American Speakers Bureau, those who we paid plenty to see and hear them preach from their own books about setting goals, getting motivated, and managing time. Now, there’s nothing new under the sun and they’ve run out of material, so it’s time to hop on the failure wagon train.

It’s gotten so out of hand, one might feel like a failure if he or she doesn’t fail.

All of us to some degree live lives of quiet intimidation—in the big things, and especially the little things. The prophets of disaster who would have us believe that failure is inevitable should be incarcerated. Or at least duct taped and locked in a closet in an abandoned asbestos-ridden office complex.

The late great Earl Nightingale often said, “You become what you think about.” Solomon, the son of David wrote, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” In the classic movie The Phantom Tollbooth, King Azaz the Unabridged said, “Words are very powerful things.”

If you believe and profess you must experience failure as a part of building and growing a business or a career, you are going to do things that will lead to losing. Everything we create begins with a thought, and failure is not exempt from that list.

I am not suggesting that one can think positively and parrot empty affirmations and avoid failure. I just truly believe that subscribing to today’s failure fad is setting oneself up for trouble. Moreover, he who teaches a child she must fail is twice a son of perdition than he who would cause his own demise.

There are two extreme sides of the failure spectrum. One of course says, “Failure is inevitable!” Another says, “Failure is impossible!” I think Huxley would tell us neither is right nor wrong. It depends on the person, really. Some people are actually lucky. Some learn from other’s mistakes. Some just work hard, do all the right things and succeed.

There was a time when business leaders, true entrepreneurs, and those with career goals shared a common enthusiasm. Those who were willing to dream heroic dreams and act upon them believed and professed that they would succeed often did.

When I was a little boy, we used to sing a song that said, “Be careful little eyes what you see…be careful little ears what you hear…”

It is possible to make a million mistakes and not fail. It’s possible to sail across the ocean, arrive weather torn, and yet reach your destination. Anything is possible, because all things are possible.

It is also possible to succeed without failing five times a day, or maybe even never. I encourage you not to subscribe to the lure of following a manufactured belief system that will do nothing more than short-circuit your dreams.

Keep your eyes, ears, and your mind on what wish to achieve, not what others think might happen.

And, as I tell my little girl when she’s scared by a midnight storm, “every little thing will be all right.”

This article was published by Ken Kilpatrick in the February edition of Lehigh Valley Business