Brokaw on Millennials: Dumbest Generation

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In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

  • Water comes from bottles
  • Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art
  • People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects
  • The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future 

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

You’re not a Sissy for Crying over Hillary’s Loss

College campuses across the US are setting up “Safe Cry Zones” and bringing in therapy puppies for students and professors who are devasted that Hillary lost and Donald won. We here at RealClear Satire want you to know that it’s OK to cry. You’re not a sissy!

Paul McCartney Sues Pokémon GO

Abbey Road Pokemon Go

Paul McCartney is suing the makers of Pokemon Go

Sir Paul McCartney has filed a lawsuit against the creators of Pokémon GO. The musician claims the game’s concept was stolen from the Beatles.

Pokémon Go is a location-based augmented reality game developed by Niantic.

In a nutshell, players chase virtual creatures they see while staring into their their smartphones. While the phones might be smart, the players typically are not. This is due to several reasons:

  1. People who play games such as Pokémon Go have no life and nothing better to do.
  2. Players lose all sense of their surroundings as they stare into their device.
  3. Many players have fallen into ditches, stepped into piles of dog poop, and have snagged their private parts on all kinds of inanimate objects while engrossed in the game.

Stupidity appears to be a lucrative market segment as Pokémon Go has more than 100 million downloads.

“It’s clearly evident that the makers of Pokémon Go stole the concept of the game from the Beatles,” McCartney said.

“First, we have exhibit A, the Abbey Road album cover,” McCartney said in his lawsuit brief. “The cover shows the band wandering aimlessly across Abbey Road, not paying attention to our surroundings.”

“Exhibit B holds our mantra of ‘peace, pot, and microdots’,” McCartney said. “This represents the period when we delved into drugs, particularly psychotropic hallucinogenic substances. The late John Lennon described our acid trips during which we would hallucinate virtual creatures and the like. We’d get so incredibly high we’d see little creatures and follow them into magical kingdoms throughout the netherworld. The creators of Pokémon Go stole those concepts John shared.”

“Exhibit C reveals our hit song “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds,” McCartney continued. “The lyrics are very telling and describe what goes on in a braindead Pokémon Go player’s head.”

“For example consider these lyrics:”

Newspaper taxis appear on the shore
Waiting to take you away
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds
And you’re gone.

“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds abbreviated is LSD,” McCartney said. “The point to our lyrics is that someone on an acid trip winds up in a virtual world chasing things that aren’t really there, making himself look like a donkey’s bottom to all around him. And people who play Pokémon Go fit that bill all the way down to their knickers.”

McCartney Appeals to Pokémon Go Players 

In addition to the lawsuit, McCartney has directly appealed to those who play Pokémon Go.

“We are asking you not to participate in this silly game,” he said. “Doing so only supports corporate greed…greed that is fed by stealing others’ ideas and work. And we know corporate greed results in buying political favors. And corporately-funded politicians often start wars.”

“All we are saying, is give peace a chance.”

Target to Host “Take A Tranny to Work Day”

 

targetAfter announcing it will allow customers to use the restroom of their choice, Target has taken the measure one step further.

In an internal memo, Target officials announced that the company has designated July 5 as “Take A Tranny to work Day.” The event will be held at all Target locations throughout the United States.

Target CEO Brian Cornell said, “This is yet another important measure to demonstrate Target’s support for the LGBT community and their families.”

Cornell estimates that nearly 80 percent of Target’s employees are either transsexual or know someone who is.

“Clearly, the vast majority of Americans know someone who does not know which sex he or she is,” said Cornell. “Even when you take out from the equation the majority of Millennials who feel they either have to be a transsexual or gay to be cool, the numbers are outstanding. The vast majority of us know a transsexual. We need to be more inclusive, celebratory, and eager to learn from this amazing subculture.”

Target employees who bring a transsexual to work during the event will have the opportunity show them how the store operates and interacts with customers. Visiting transsexuals will be given tours of both the men’s and ladies’ rooms and the opportunity to try the different apparatuses each restroom offers.

“I can’t wait to squat into a men’s urinal,” said Janelle Kepler, a college junior who recently realized that she is a man. “I’m not going to get a sex change—not yet at least—so it will be exciting to test my flexibility on the men’s toilet.”

John Reamers of Enola, Pa, is ecstatic even though he says he’s a heterosexual at the moment.

“I’m just excited that I can pretend to be a tranny so I can use the women’s room to get a peak at some hot chick with her pants down,” said Reamers. “I applaud Target for giving perverts like myself free views of naked women and hard working pedophiles access to little girls.”

In addition to the day’s events, Target plans to provide customers 25% discounts on items intended for the opposite sex.

“There will be something for everyone,” said Cornell. “Just remember to bring the kiddies!”

Helping Companies Cater to Millennials

 

Pollack, centered, is flanked by a few millennials

“Millennial Workplace Expert” Lindsey Pollak has launched a startup whose mission is to help experienced executives to better understand and cater to younger workers.

In a recent Wall Street Journal interview, Pollack said the most important step employers must take is to simply lower their expectations of millennials.

“This is a new generation that is used to zero accountability, and companies need to embrace that,” Pollack said. “Corporate managers and business owners will experience greater job satisfaction and less disappointment if they don’t expect much from this unique subculture in the first place.”

Pollack says once companies adjust their expectations, they should employ the following techniques to maximize their enjoyment of what some call the “Dumbest Generation.”

Understand you are the Problem, Not the Millennial

“Millennials are a special, gifted generation unlike any before,” said the 41-year-old Pollack who refers to herself as a ‘proud Gen-Xer.’

“They have amassed an incredible amount of knowledge in a short time from Xbox, Facebook, and exchanging nude selfies on Snapchat,” she continued. “Those interactions alone trump corporate managers’ years of study, training, and career experience. We can learn so much from them.”

Pollack later apologized for using the word “trump” as it might offend millennials whom she says all support Bernie Sanders.

“The old ways of doing business, earning profits, and making deals are child’s play compared to what millennials bring to the table,” she said. “If you feel you are not benefiting from the millennials you have on staff, you need to look in the mirror.”

Pollack said frequent naps, smoothie breaks, and personal social media engagements on company time are just a few of a millennial’s favorite things that add value to a business’s bottom line.

“Managers and employers need to concede to millennials’ way of working,” she added. “Remember, you old people come from an era of workplace violence and going postal. Millennials are too distracted to waste time hating on anyone. Learn from them.”

Be a Friend, not a Boss

Pollack says she fully understands the need for corporate hierarchy to a degree, but that requiring millennials to report to anyone over the age of 29 does more harm than good.

“The best workaround for this situation is to become friends with your millennial employees,” she said. “Help them pick out their next tattoo. Buy them naptime pillows with a personally embroidered message in emojis that show you care. Purchase a ping pong table and play a few matches each day during work hours.”

“Just be sure to let them win,” she added.

Time, Love, and Tenderness

“Time, love, and tenderness” is an 80s hit that aging employers would recognize although their millennial counterparts likely won’t,” Pollack joked. “But those elements are critical.”

“Relative to time, millennials don’t relate to time,” she pointed out. “Do not give them grief for coming in late or packing up 15 minutes before the day’s end.”

Love is also a major factor, she continued.

“It takes a village to mother a Millennial,” Pollack said. “Nurture them as if they were your own children and give them praise even when they cost you business. This is a fragile generation and it is your responsibility not to hurt their feelings.”

And tenderness, she says, is the name of the game.

“There’s so much rhetoric about ending political correctness these days, which is the wrong way to go,” said Pollack. “Always mince words, beat around the bush, and be patient enough to let the millennial come to the right conclusion about anything they do wrong.”

“Handle them with care or you will get a well-deserved lawsuit for hurting the wrong millennial’s feelings,” she concluded.

The Wall Street Journal mentioned in Pollack’s article that more than 400 LinkedIn users list themselves as a “millennial expert” or “millennial consultant.”

The U.S. Department of Labor, however, classifies them as “unemployed hopefuls.”

“These are the same clowns who previously called themselves ‘community activists.’ After that it was ‘storyteller.’ And now these evaders of real jobs are suddenly millennial experts and consultants,” said U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez.

“Cut me a break,” he said, rolling his eyes.