Al Franken: “Just Kidding, I’m Staying”

Shortly after his dramatic departure from Washington D.C. Tuesday, Minnesota Democrat Al Franken announced he was not serious about resigning his seat.

“The joke’s on the media,” Franken said in a statement. “I once heard a hiker came upon a snake that was freezing on a path. The man took pity on the serpent and put him in his coat to save it from dying. After he warmed up, the snake awoke and bit the hiker. The dying man asked why the serpent would bite someone who saved his life. The reptile answered, ‘I did what I must, for I am a snake.’”

“The moral of the story, is, I did what I must when I grabbed that babe’s boobs, for I am a man,” Franken said. “And, I’m a comedian first, then a politician. Therefore, I was only kidding when I said I would resign. I think that’s pretty funny.”

Executive Director of the #metoo Coalition Leslie Van Dyke issued a scathing rebuke on Twitter that said, “Franken the feeler must go. No man is to touch a woman ever without her written and notarized consent and we know Franken took no such measures. Off with his scrotum!”

In a telephone interview with RealClear Satire, Franken said of Van Dyke’s tweet, “Hash tag, bend over. Hash tag, go to the fridge and get me another beer, bimbo. I’m staying in the Senate. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, Babes of all cup sizes like me.”