President Trump Calls for Media Term Limits

Trump CPAC Photo

President Donald J. Trump announced at CPAC 2017 his plans to enact media term limits.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has called on Congress to establish media term limits, a maneuver seen by top political analysts as a strategic move as he advances in his war with the press.

Trump made the announcement last week to a cheering audience during Friday’s CPAC conference.

“We are going to build a legislative wall that will stop the media’s abuse of power,” the President said. “And I will make The New York Times pay for that wall.”

During the conference, Dr. Ben Carson said he agreed with the need to curtail the media. Carson also confirmed he is African-American when asked by a CPAC participant during the Q&A session.

“The power of the press is so germane to the Constitution, it is addressed in the First Amendment,” Trump said, inadvertently holding up his pocket thesaurus rather than his Bill of Rights booklet. “However, the media has clearly abused its power, and it is our responsibility as leaders of this great nation to put an end to that abuse.”

“As president, I am limited to two terms, which is very unfortunate on one hand because I am a great leader,” Trump continued. “On the other hand, it is fortunate that my predecessor was term-limited as the guy would have made not only more of a wreck of these United States, but would have made a bigger mess within White House itself. It seems like every day, we’re still finding cigarette butts, paper wads and other garbage strewn about the place from all the parties and what-not that guy hosted.”

Trump said he would send Congress a detailed proposal by March 31. Highlights from that proposal will include:

  • Political commentators: 5-10 years, whichever comes first
  • Newspaper opinion writers: 2-year terms, maximum of five terms
  • Political beat reporters: 2-year terms, maximum of two terms
  • Political round table contributors: 1-year term to be followed by immediate waterboarding

Trump also suggests that staff writers for Vox, Huffington Post, and Slate and other venues of massive fake news sources serve a mandatory five-year federal prison sentence prior to employment.

CNN Won’t Endorse Trump

CNN Trump

CNN President Jeff Zucker announced the Cable News Network will not endorse Donald Trump for U.S. President.

Zucker stopped short of indicating whether CNN will endorse Hillary Clinton.

The news came as a surprise to CNN insiders, political analysts, and viewers.

“I am disappointed in our decision not to endorse Trump,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said. “I met a lot of gay men at the Republican Convention and had a few wild nights back at the hotel as a result. That would never have happened if one of the establishment Republicans The Donald wiped out were the nominee.”

“Most of all, I was deeply moved when Trump addressed the LGBTQ community,” Cooper continued. “And to be honest, I wept with joy when PayPal founder Peter Thiel spoke. I wouldn’t do him personally, but I was moved to see a flaming homosexual at the podium put another crack in the pink ceiling.”

Trump himself seemed taken back by the announcement.

“Here we go again, more media corruption from the top,” Trump said. “But what the hell does their endorsement mean when they give me all the coverage I want? I could moon someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and CNN would still cover me.”

CNN veteran Wolf Blitzer was also stunned at the announcement.

“Donald is a decent man regardless of how I spin my work against him,” Blitzer said. “He has never made fun of my hideous eyeglasses, and I get a kick out of his grandchildren playing with my beard.”

A response from the Clinton campaign revealed jubilance.

“Knowing CNN will not endorse Trump is, in his own words, ‘huge’,” the statement from the campaign said. “We believe this will result in fairer and balanced coverage, which will be advantageous in helping people see Mrs. Clinton in a more positive light. She’s really not a bad person, all things considered.”

Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly said he believes CNN never intended to endorse Trump. Zucker declined an invitation to discuss the issue on the O’Reilly Factor.

“It’s nothing political, I just can’t stand Irish skirt chasers,” Zucker’s rejection letter said.

O’Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment.

“A guy my age has no time for one-liners and the motions of courtship,” O’Reilly said. “Zucker can take his Grey Poupon and shove it up his you-know-what.”