Pence Blows Kidney Stone at Convention

 

pence

Trump’s running mate and Indiana governor Mike Pence is recovering from passing a kidney stone Monday.

The incident occurred during a mic check backstage with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Pence is reported to have started sweating profusely from his brow and biting his lip just as Cooper began testing his collar microphone.

Holding his groin with one hand, Pence pushed himself off his stool and hobbled off to the men’s room. Focused on his mic check, Cooper did not witness the incident and initially thought nothing of Pence’s absence.

Approximately 15 minutes later, Pence collapsed on the bathroom floor in a stall.

Pence’s fall tripped on his microphone, which some believe was a miracle that may have saved his life. After the governor’s mic turned on, the entire stage crew including Cooper heard Pence’s pained groans and panting.

“At first I thought we were hearing a cow giving birth to twins,” Cooper later told his viewers.

Pence’s pained yelps grew louder, throwing everyone into confusion as the stage area was not in the immediate vicinity of the restroom.

A union technician returning from a cigarette break traced the sound to the men’s room. Cooper and several of the stage crew dashed to the scene.

Sighting the governor squirming underneath the stalls, Cooper crawled underneath to help. To prevent the governor from striking his head against the porcelain toilet, Cooper gently pushed Pence out of the stall to safety.

“Will someone call 911 for crying out loud?” Pence screamed. “I’m passing a damned kidney stone!”

“Governor, would you like me to hold you or massage where it hurts until help arrives?” Cooper offered.

“This is no time to be cracking your stinking LGBT jokes!” the governor replied.

“I’m just trying to help,” Cooper said. “As a gay man, I know what it’s like to feel pain most people don’t suffer.”

Paramedics took Pence to a nearby hospital where he reportedly passed the stone approximately two hours after his arrival.

The Emergency Room physician prescribed Pence narcotic painkillers in the event another lingering stone passes.

Pence said he plans to save the drugs to numb the pain of having to listen to a bunch of Republican blowhards as they give their nomination speeches.

Target to Host “Take A Tranny to Work Day”

 

targetAfter announcing it will allow customers to use the restroom of their choice, Target has taken the measure one step further.

In an internal memo, Target officials announced that the company has designated July 5 as “Take A Tranny to work Day.” The event will be held at all Target locations throughout the United States.

Target CEO Brian Cornell said, “This is yet another important measure to demonstrate Target’s support for the LGBT community and their families.”

Cornell estimates that nearly 80 percent of Target’s employees are either transsexual or know someone who is.

“Clearly, the vast majority of Americans know someone who does not know which sex he or she is,” said Cornell. “Even when you take out from the equation the majority of Millennials who feel they either have to be a transsexual or gay to be cool, the numbers are outstanding. The vast majority of us know a transsexual. We need to be more inclusive, celebratory, and eager to learn from this amazing subculture.”

Target employees who bring a transsexual to work during the event will have the opportunity show them how the store operates and interacts with customers. Visiting transsexuals will be given tours of both the men’s and ladies’ rooms and the opportunity to try the different apparatuses each restroom offers.

“I can’t wait to squat into a men’s urinal,” said Janelle Kepler, a college junior who recently realized that she is a man. “I’m not going to get a sex change—not yet at least—so it will be exciting to test my flexibility on the men’s toilet.”

John Reamers of Enola, Pa, is ecstatic even though he says he’s a heterosexual at the moment.

“I’m just excited that I can pretend to be a tranny so I can use the women’s room to get a peak at some hot chick with her pants down,” said Reamers. “I applaud Target for giving perverts like myself free views of naked women and hard working pedophiles access to little girls.”

In addition to the day’s events, Target plans to provide customers 25% discounts on items intended for the opposite sex.

“There will be something for everyone,” said Cornell. “Just remember to bring the kiddies!”

Hillary: Major Announcement

clinton trump

NEW YORK – Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said she is in the final stages of adopting a campaign message.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to announce her message at a press conference before California primary voters hit the polls on June 7.

A recent Rasmussen report revealed the majority of likely General Election voters believe Clinton’s message is two part:

  1. “I’m running for president of the United States.”
  2. “Donald Trump is unfit to be president.”

“I’ve been supporting Hillary because she’s a woman,” said Marsha Rankin of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. “I am so excited to learn what her platform is. No matter what, I’m with her!”

Sources close to the Clinton campaign have hinted Clinton’s message will be threefold, aiming at the following issues.

  1. White Men Can’t Govern – Clinton is a firm believer that women are the stronger gender and that Caucasian men are “sexist, racist, and as seen on TV, stupid.” Clinton points out that her husband was the last white guy to have any sense at all and that he is expected to play an active role in the White House, far away from the interns.
  1. Bill Clinton Isn’t a Liability – Hillary will emphasize that her husband is not the “new Dan Quayle” and is totally capable of measuring curtains, cleaning bathrooms, and making the bed regardless with whom he last spent the night. Hillary will also rebut Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s mantra that she was an enabler to Mr. Clinton’s sexual escapades. “I take offense that Donald Trump calls me an enabler. That rhetoric clearly demonstrates that Trump is sexist as I didn’t need Bill’s help in ruining any bimbo’s life.”
  1. Vote for me and not Trump – Mrs. Clinton plans to send a clear and compelling message that she would make a great president and that Trump would not. “Donald Trump is a sexist, bigot, and LGBT-ahobe and I’m none of those,” she said. “I have proof. The American people just don’t have the stomach for the likes of Trump. I’m likable enough.”

While it’s not clear exactly when Mrs. Clinton will make the announcement, she plans to evade further debates with Senator Sanders in the interim.

Trump Revises Supreme Court Nominee List

 

trump victory signAfter taking heat for the eleven Supreme Court nominees Trump said he is considering to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Antonin Scalia, the billionaire threw out that list and created the following.

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the tub. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy is doing a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring on Bernie is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsberg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsberg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her face sags, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the presumptive Republican nominee could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. Besides, she will be the first sitting justice to be arrested, which would be a fabulous example to America’s children that you can’t run away from trouble. There ain’t no place that far. But if we do it right at the speed of light, there’s a motorcade for my car – caviar!”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has got more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “She’s a freaking know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justices to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour.”

Neutered Cat Not Sure Which Litter Box To Use

 

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female's Box

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female’s Box

ROLLA, MISSOURI — As the national debate rages on about how equal rights should apply to the transgender community, a Siamese cat named Pat is wondering where he fits in.

“Pat the Cat,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is neutered. The McMillan family who lives in Rolla, Missouri rescued Pat from a shelter three years ago.

While tearing up the newspaper, Pat the Cat saw an article about whether transgendered high school students should be permitted to use whichever restroom or locker room they please.

Distracted by a bird that flew by the kitchen window, Pat the Cat left the shredded newspaper on the floor for the McMillans to clean up as he perched on the counter to watch his prey.

Pat is the only neutered pet of the McMillan’s five cats. The other cats consist of two males and two females, one of which is pregnant.

A few hours later, Pat had to pee. His tail erect, he made his way to the litter box underneath the stairs. Pat had gravitated toward that box since he was adopted, as did the other two male cats. The female cats typically used the litter box in the laundry room.

As he rounded the corner, it hit Pat like a whiff of catnip: Pat became super-aware that he no longer had some of his male parts.

Pat the Cat became confused.

“Pat began scratching at the door to go out like our dog Simon,” said Trey McMillan, Pat’s owner. “It took us awhile to catch on, but after watching Pat for a few days, we noticed he would not use his own litter box. He also started pacing back and forth in front of the girl cats’ litter box, so we called the vet.”

Rolla Animal Hospital referred the McMillans to a nearby pet psychologist who quickly determined Pat was suffering from an identity crisis.

“Because your cat is neutered, she feels that she is now a female, and therefore should be using the female litter box,” said Dr. Keaton.

“You mean ‘he’,” Mr. McMillan said, correcting the doctor.

“No, I meant ‘she’,” the doctor replied. “Your family needs to accept Pat’s change in life regardless of what her birth certificate says. Begin by referring to Pat as “her” and “she.” Have a talk with your family and the other cats about acceptance and love.

“We just didn’t know what we didn’t know,” McMillan told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Our family has always been very accepting of others, basically because we are spineless. But standing for nothing always got us by. Better to go with the flow than get your nose punched in.”

Holding back tears, Cooper told the McMillans that he too sometimes questions his identity and was proud of the family for being so tolerant of Pat the Cat’s life change.

While the McMillans quickly accepted Pat’s new identity, the other cats were not ready to do so.

Miffie, the pregnant cat, protested that if Pat were allowed to tinkle about the girl’s litter box, there would be nothing to prevent other male cats from doing the same.

“Devious tomcats will pretend they believe they are girl cats trapped inside male bodies so they can get access to our kittens,” she meowed.

The American Trans-Pussy Cat Association issued a statement rebuffing Miffie’s complaint.
“There is no evidence pointing to the fact that males will pretend to feel they are trans-pussies so they can get into kitties’ boxes,” the statement read. “The kind of hatred espoused by Miffie can no longer be tolerated.”

The Trans-Pussy lobby is supporting legislation that will mandate harsh criminal penalties for anyone who tries to keep male cats out of female pussycat facilities “under the guise of protecting mother cats and their young.”

Caitlyn Jenner wants to Transition back to a Man

Caitlyn Jenner

Bruce Jenner in 2010 and 2015 on cover of Vanity Fair

Caitlyn Jenner regrets transitioning from male to female. Citing trusted sources close to Jenner, Ian Halperin told The Wrap that he is considering switching back to a male “in the next couple years.”

Halperin said while doing research for his book “Kardashian Dynasty: The Controversial Rise of America’s Royal Family,” sources indicated Caitlyn Jenner began to rethink being a woman after suffering a prolonged yeast infection.

Not Easy Being a Girl 

The cost of being a woman also has Jenner miffed.

“You wouldn’t believe what I am spending on cosmetics, clothes, and panties,” Jenner confided in Halperin. “After crunching the numbers with my CPA, we decided that there would be substantial cost savings if I could grow my penis back.”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Halperin if Jenner gave him permission to disclose his new sex change plans. Halperin answered, “a secret is something you tell one person at a time.”

Cooper announced a few years ago that he made the distinction of being the first openly gay newscaster with funny eyeglasses. During the interview, he told Halpern that he too was considering a sex change.

“One source told me Jenner has had whispers of ‘sex change regret,’ hinting he might go back to being Bruce,” Halperin told the entertainment website.

The biographer said Jenner has either got to be demon possessed or on the same medication that took Prince’s life as it’s not normal to hear whispers.

Caitlyn Jenner or Not – Still Digging the Ladies 

Apparently the 66-year-old Jenner still has some testosterone swimming through his veins as he is having thoughts of “getting out in the field and putting the mule in the stable.”

“Jenner still digs women and wants to meet a hot one,” Halperin stated. “I just think he wants to hump everyone, male or female.”

“Who is going to want a man whose boy parts became girl parts and back to boy parts again?” comedian Mike Myers asked. “I would imagine his thingy would become a bit stringy.”

Panic is the Major Motive 

The idea that Jenner has second thoughts over what goes on where the sun doesn’t shine is nothing new. When Jenner disgraced the cover of Vanity Fair, he described panic attacks following the transition.

“It ain’t easy living like I’m freaky, tell you honey how I feel,” Caitlyn Jenner said of his panic attacks. “However, I really prefer to call the attacks hissy fits. My children think it’s hysterical when I say that and it kind of calms me down.”

Jenner’s physician could not be reached by press time as he was under FBI interrogation for prescribing Prince medication.

Transgender Lobby: Change White House spouse title to “First Person”

 

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Citing unfairness to their feelings as well as the civil rights of millions of Americans, The National Center for Gender Equality has issued a statement indicating its leadership is a bit miffed that the title for a U.S. President’s spouse remains “First Lady.”

“It’s not fair, it’s just not fair!” said Mara Keisling, Executive Director for the National Center for Transgender Equality. “We believe the title should be ‘First Person’ so the President’s partner is not pinned down to a title, particularly if she or he, or both, like as in ‘we,’ might change gender roles upon occasion or daily like our intern Pat.”

In a sit down interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked if Keisling if the call for changing the title is because she foresees a “First Husband” in the White House after the General Election.

“Well,” Keisling said, pensively rolling her eyes toward the ceiling, tapping her right cheek with her forefinger, “you know, I just wouldn’t be surprised. As a nonprofit 501 (c) (3), we cannot endorse any candidate or anything political like that. But I have to say, and am empowered to say, Hillary is the only candidate who has expressed total support for transgender men, or men pretending to be transgender, to go into public restrooms that little girls and women use.”

Letting out a belly laugh and playfully slapping Cooper on the knee, Keisling said, “Did you like how I used the word empower, Anderson? I just love using that word whenever I interview! It’s really so much of who I am.”

Neither Keisling nor Cooper could be reached at press time to confirm which sex they were during the interview.

The Modern Language Association (MLA) opposes the title change. In a statement, MLA President K. Anthony Appiah said that “First Person” has already been designated as a classification of pronouns, possessive determiners, and verb forms, according to whether they indicate the speaker first person, the addressee second person, or a third party third person.”

Appaiah could not be reached at press time to confirm whether he favored vowels over consonants and to give comment on why he abbreviates his first name.

The National Center for Transgender Equality’s website states, however, that all components of language have a right to equality and should be treated the same and should be permitted to become any form, tense, or part of speech they feel they were truly created to represent.

 

San Francisco mayor bans city workers from traveling to North Carolina

sanfranmayor

Prancing out to the podium in a tight miniskirt that is sure to set the tone for this summer’s fashion, San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee said at a press conference  Friday he doesn’t want any city workers to travel to North Carolina unless it’s to purchase tax free sex toys. He said he was “a bit miffed” about North Carolina’s new legislation that limits patrons to using public restrooms designated for their gender.

“My loverboys and I are standing united as San Franciscans to condemn North Carolina’s new law that turns back the clock on protecting lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals and people who enjoy hooking up in turnpike restroom stalls,” Lee said.

“Effective immediately, I am directing City Departments to bar any publicly­-funded City employee travel to the State of North Carolina unless it’s for a same-sex orgy, tax free sex toy purchase or anything involving whips and leather.”

North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory signed a bill this week to void a Charlotte ordinance that would’ve allowed so-called transgendered restrooms although it would clearly have put small children at many levels of risk and potentially great harm.

McCrory signed the legislation Wednesday night that he said was “passed by a bipartisan majority to stop this breach of basic privacy and etiquette.”

Although 12 House Democrats joined all Republicans present in voting for the bill in the afternoon Wednesday, later all Senate Democrats in attendance walked off their chamber floor during the debate in protest and headed to capitol restrooms to make out with each other.

“We choose not to participate in this farce, because getting gay is natural, it’s beautiful, and it’s the true essence of love and life,” Senate Minority Leader Dan Blue of Raleigh said after he left the chamber.

Gay rights leaders , transgender people, and a pantyhosed Biker gang which calls itself “Sissies on Wheels”  said the legislation demonizes men who like to be naked with each other and espouses bogus claims about increasing the risk of sexual assaults. They say the law will deny lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people essential protections needed to ensure they can get a hotel room to make dirty internet movies, hail a taxi for a quickie around the block, or disappear underneath a table at a restaurant without fear.

“McCrory’s reckless decision to sign this appalling legislation into law is a direct attack on the rights, well ­being and dignity of hundreds of thousands of sexually perverted North Carolinians,” Human Rights Campaign President Chad Griffin said in a statement. Civil liberties groups pledged to push for repeal and were weighing legal options and trying out new fetish gear.

Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts, who pressed to get the “bathroom bill” approved, said she was appalled by the legislature’s actions, but admitted she “can’t get her eyes off a certain hot female republican senator” regardless of their clashing views.

“The General Assembly is on the wrong side of progress of showing God who is boss. It is on the wrong side of history, because there is nothing more thrilling than going to a gay disco and getting laid afterwards with your 20 closest friends,” Roberts said.

Lee applauded Roberts in his statement Friday for taking “steps at the local level to protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people from filthy heterosexuals who can tell us what a traditional family is supposed to look like. I also applaud Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed who hates Jesus Christ and is a champion for equality for all who rebel against God.”