Clinton “Shocked and Appalled” by Weinstein Allegations

 

Hillary Clinton offered her thoughts about sexual assault allegations leveled against film producer and Democratic mega-donor Harvey Weinstein, saying his alleged behavior “cannot be tolerated.”

“I am shocked and appalled that any man these days would have the audacity to act male,” Clinton said at a recent press conference.  Wearing an orange pantsuit, the former Democratic presidential candidate was flanked by short-haired women with ugly plastic eyeglasses, sporting vagina-shaped hats, holding rainbow flags and Hillary 2020 signs.

“We fought so hard for LGBT rights in part so that men with testosterone-driven libidos can go find a bathroom stall and have at it with each other rather than victimize women with catcalls and whatnot,” Clinton continued.

“Weinstein’s behavior, as described by bimbos and ladies alike, cannot be tolerated,” Clinton said, bulging her eyes and shaking her head to look both angry and mean. “Their courage is critical in making men the inferior gender, particularly those who suffer from White Privilege.”

Clinton’s critics often point out that she voices her opinion about every headline to remain relevant. However, she was initially silent regarding Weinstein. She spoke up only after it came to light that Weinstein had given significant donations to Clinton’s presidential campaign as well as solicited her staff for back massages.

Between 1990-2016, the film producer bundled more than $1.4 million for Clinton’s campaigns and political action committees, according to data compiled by the Center for Responsive Politics.

Weinstein donated more than $33,000 to the Hillary Victory Fund in 2016.

Earlier Tuesday, a former campaign manager for Obama’s 2008 presidential bid said it was “disappointing” that Weinstein got caught as rumors were mounting that Clinton is mulling another run against President Trump in 2020.

“The Clintons helped keep Weinstein’s shenanigans a secret throughout the campaign,” the former campaign manager said. “It’s a shame they couldn’t keep it buried until Clinton makes up her freaking mind about 2020. After publishing that long-winded rant that she calls a book, Hillary could use his money, that’s for sure.”

The unnamed former campaign manager went on to say he would grow back his mustache if President Trump were reelected.

NFL Players to Honor LGBT Community on Both Knees

Following the widespread media coverage pro athletes throughout the NFL attracted over the past few weeks, free agent Colin Kaepernick is calling on players to once again “take a knee” — this time in support of the LGBTQ community.

“I am calling on every NFL player, coach, and team player to get on both knees and lock arms during the national anthem in support of the LGBTQ community,” Kaepernick said at a press conference in San Francisco.

The press event was held at “The Stud,” a five-star gay nightclub, which the birthplace of the legendary drag show “Trannyshack.”

During the press conference, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Kaepernick what motivated him to call on players to stand behind the LGBTQ community.

“I’m not taking any homophobic heckling in the form of questions until I am done speaking, so why don’t you sit down and shut up?” Kaepernick quipped.

“Excuse me, sir, but I happen to be a celebrated gay man and Gloria Vanderbilt’s son, so not only am I gay, I grew up surrounded by the world’s most refined homosexual and lesbian role models of our time,” Cooper said.

“Sorry man, I was just trying to imitate President Trump, but I guess you just didn’t get the joke,” Kaepernick said. “But you asked a fantastic question. Really terrific. The reason why I am calling on everyone to take both knees and lock arms to support gay guys like you is simple: I got a real kick out of watching everyone follow my legacy over the past few weeks. I mean, people are like sheep. They really do have that herd mentality, and nobody wants to be on the outside, you know?”

“So, I’m going for the gays,” Kaepernick continued. “They are like the hot trend right now. Everybody is either gay or wants to be gay. It’s the in thing. Or, on a good night, the in and out thing.”

“And when you think about it, the gay man has been oppressed for too long,” Kaepernick continued. “It’s time someone knelt down and did something nice for him…and I don’t mean in the way he’s used to having that done. Anderson, can you imagine on Sunday, you’re spooning with your partner, or whatever you are calling each other these days, and you see all these NFL people on their knees in your honor?”

Oh I like it, like it, like it,” Cooper shouted out with glee.

“What a funky lady!” Kaepernick responded, hip-bumping Anderson.

“Colin, I’d like to make a special request, if I may,” Cooper said. “I love the idea of taking a knee, especially since two knees will be involved. But could we also add ‘take a shower?’ I would love if everyone would just do another encore after the game by kneeling and locking arms in the shower. I promise to give the guys special coverage.”

Sources close to Kaepernick indicate the quarterback ran from the press conference, gripping his hair, muttering repeatedly, “God help me, what have I done?”

Trump Adds NFL To Travel Ban

 

“Keep ’em the hell home!” 

Those were the five words President Donald J. Trump uttered as he signed an executive order adding NFL teams to his controversial travel ban.

“Even Lee Greenwood must be ashamed to be an American after watching those thugs drop to their knees as if they were in some LGBT locker room,” Trump said, referring to the NFL players who knelt in protest at various games throughout the country Sunday. “Those bums are no heroes. They’re a bunch of overpaid, tattooed, unbathed hippy skanks with the morals of Al Qaeda Operatives or Clinton Campaign volunteers if you ask me.”

Trump’s Executive Order, called the “Real Men Don’t Kneel With Other Men Act,” adds NFL teams to a growing list of countries from which travel to the United States is forbidden. Since the NFL players are already located in the United States, the Real Men Act includes a specific provision that prevents NFL team players known to “bend the knee, bend over, or sport hairstyles that look like a bison’s rectal fuzz from traveling together for the purpose of playing professional football.”

“Chad, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Somalia, Syria, Venezuela, Yemen, and now the NFL needs to learn that if you want to play in the United States, you are going to play by the rules,” Trump said, blowing his nose into a Know Your Rights camp tee-shirt.

“I’ve got a country to run, hurricane-ravaged destination points to repair, and insults to tweet,” Trump said. “I don’t have the time to argue with a bunch of little girls in NFL uniforms on their knees like some late night-lady down on 42nd street. Ill-gotten booty’s not my style. Let them follow their butt-fuzz-headed leader straight to unemployment. Fire the sons of bitches!”

Sources close to Kim Jong-un indicate he is considering launching a nuclear attack on America in retaliation for Trump including Colin Kaepernick on the same list as North Korea.

“Apparently, dictators are capable of undergoing moments of morality when provoked,” said U.S. Senator John McCain who sometimes feigns the role as a hero from the Vietnam War.

Clinton says Opioid Addiction Crisis is not her Fault

Speaking in front of the American Medical Association’s annual convention on Friday, former Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said she is not to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis. “As you can see in my new book, What Happened, I would have won the election if it weren’t for the incompetence of approximately 25 distinct groups and individuals,” Clinton said. “I had the right message, the right campaign, and ran at the right time.”

“If I was elected President of the United States we would not have an opioid addiction crisis—and you know I won the popular vote by millions,” Clinton continued. “One of my first acts after the inauguration would have been to legislate addiction out of mainstream America. Rather than deporting Mexicans and DREAMers, I would send drug addicts and junkies to Venezuela where they can get all the illicit drugs they want. President Trump, who, by the way is also to blame for my loss, has been soft on addiction.”

During a post-speech interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out to Clinton that nobody said she was to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis.

“Oh well you know, Anderson, they eventually get around to blaming me for everything so I just was being a little proactive, you know?” Clinton fired back.

“Mrs. Clinton, your book boldly accuses a number of groups for your surprise defeat,” Cooper said. “Do you feel that you may bear any blame for your loss?”

“You know, Anderson, I would have been America’s first openly gay president and I campaigned hard on LGBT issues,” Clinton said. “These days, it’s obvious that half of America is either gay or has some kind of celebrated perversion. The numbers are staggering. I feel that community also let me down. They’re so big in “coming out.” Yet, they did not come out in enough numbers for me. So, no, this is loss is none of my doing.”

“Mrs. Clinton, as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “In fact, I’m so gay that I’ve won numerous awards and recognitions for my lifestyle. I think I speak on behalf of the entire LGBT community in expressing gratitude for your pioneering work on our behalf. But I’m a little confused about your claim that you are openly gay. Could you elaborate?”

“Well, as you know, Anderson, Toni Morrison referred to my husband as America’s first black president, and obviously he’s Caucasian on the surface, but there’s no question he’s a black man on the inside,” Clinton said. “I’m obviously married to a male, but given Bill’s propensity to bone anything with a pair of breasts, my heart over time has become gay, and my pantsuits are a reflection of my transgender tendencies.”

“You go girl…er, boy!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Cash me ousside, how bow dat?” Clinton said, fist bumping Anderson before she broke into a high speed twerk against his crotch.

Pat The Cat Not Sure Which Litter Box To Use

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female’s Box

ROLLA, MISSOURI — As the national debate rages on about how equal rights should apply to the transgender community, a Siamese cat named Pat is wondering where he fits in.

“Pat the Cat,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is neutered. The McMillan family who lives in Rolla, Missouri rescued Pat from a shelter three years ago.

While tearing up the newspaper, Pat the Cat saw an article about whether transgendered high school students should be permitted to use whichever restroom or locker room they please.

Distracted by a bird that flew by the kitchen window, Pat the Cat left the shredded newspaper on the floor for the McMillans to clean up as he perched on the counter to watch his prey.

Pat is the only neutered pet of the McMillan’s five cats. The other cats consist of two males and two females, one of which is pregnant.

A few hours later, Pat had to pee. His tail erect, he made his way to the litter box underneath the stairs. Pat had gravitated toward that box since he was adopted, as did the other two male cats. The female cats typically used the litter box in the laundry room.

As he rounded the corner, it hit Pat like a whiff of catnip: Pat became super-aware that he no longer had some of his male parts.

Pat the Cat became confused.

“Pat began scratching at the door to go out like our dog Simon,” said Trey McMillan, Pat’s owner. “It took us awhile to catch on, but after watching Pat for a few days, we noticed he would not use his own litter box. He also started pacing back and forth in front of the girl cats’ litter box, so we called the vet.”

Rolla Animal Hospital referred the McMillans to a nearby pet psychologist who quickly determined Pat was suffering from an identity crisis.

“Because your cat is neutered, she feels that she is now a female, and therefore should be using the female litter box,” said Dr. Keaton.

“You mean ‘he’,” Mr. McMillan said, correcting the doctor.

“No, I meant ‘she’,” the doctor replied. “Your family needs to accept Pat’s change in life regardless of what her birth certificate says. Begin by referring to Pat as “her” and “she.” Have a talk with your family and the other cats about acceptance and love.

“We just didn’t know what we didn’t know,” McMillan told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Our family has always been very accepting of others, basically because we are spineless. But standing for nothing always got us by. Better to go with the flow than get your nose punched in.”

Holding back tears, Cooper told the McMillans that he too sometimes questions his identity and was proud of the family for being so tolerant of Pat the Cat’s life change.

While the McMillans quickly accepted Pat’s new identity, the other cats were not ready to do so.

Miffie, the pregnant cat, protested that if Pat were allowed to tinkle about the girl’s litter box, there would be nothing to prevent other male cats from doing the same.

“Devious tomcats will pretend they believe they are girl cats trapped inside male bodies so they can get access to our kittens,” she meowed.

The American Trans-Pussy Cat Association issued a statement rebuffing Miffie’s complaint.
“There is no evidence pointing to the fact that males will pretend to feel they are trans-pussies so they can get into kitties’ boxes,” the statement read. “The kind of hatred espoused by Miffie can no longer be tolerated.”

The Trans-Pussy lobby is supporting legislation that will mandate harsh criminal penalties for anyone who tries to keep male cats out of female pussycat facilities “under the guise of protecting mother cats and their young.”

Brokaw on Millennials: Dumbest Generation

tom_brokaw_01

In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

  • Water comes from bottles
  • Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art
  • People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects
  • The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future 

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

Elizabeth Warren Says She is a Man, Mulls 2020 Presidential Run

Senator says, "I don't know what I am, a woman or a man..."

SPRINGFIELD, MA – Dec 2: Elizabeth Warren speaks during the 2016 Massachusetts LGBT Convention, held at the MassMutual Center in Springfield. (Photo by Aram Boghosian/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)

As President Trump begins his first full day in the Oval Office, U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Massachusetts) has begun her path to becoming the 2o2o Democratic presidential nominee.

Her platform?

Warren announced she is a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

“I do not consider myself a lesbian or transsexual, it’s just some kind of biological thing,” Warren said. “And, I really have no sexual desire at all. I just am.”

“I consider it a gift,” Warren continued. “Being top heavy on the testosterone side gave me the strength to battle Trump on Twitter.”

Warren said due to her facial and vocal composure people often mistake her for being male.

“I’m used to it,” Warren said. “Wherever I travel people greet me as Mr. Warren, phone operators call me ‘sir’, and my husband sleeps in the other room.”

Warren is a strong advocate for the LGBTQ community. She sees her manliness as advantageous when reaching out to that group.

“Being a lady that looks like a dude has its advantages, especially as you know the ladies room line is longer at ball games,” Warren said. “So I just skedaddle on over to the men’s room, grab a stall, and squat. Nobody knows the difference otherwise.”

Elizabeth Warren Accused of Holding a “Publicity Stunt”

Rightwing theorists such as Breibart News were quick to condemn Warren’s remarks as an attempt to help Bruce “Caitlyn Jenner” renegotiate his contract after his show “I am Cait” was canceled. Several news sources and polling agencies indicated people were just too grossed out over a former male who is a presumed Olympic star and confirmed cereal box hero parading around as a lady.

“This whole tranny thing has gone too far and I’m glad to see that America is slowly returning to normality,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said during an interview with Fox News.

McConnell represents Kentucky, one of the few states in which whipping gays tied to telegraph poles remains legal.

McConnell let out a belly laugh when asked about Warren’s recent announcement.

“I’m not going to comment on that nut’s publicity stunt,” McConnell said. “Hillary used Lizzie up and then threw her away when she named that chubby guy from Virginia as her VP candidate. Warren is nothing more than an attention-seeking missile. She will say or do anything to keep herself in the press, especially now that she has her eye on running against President Trump in 2020. Next thing you know she’ll claim she still gets her period.”

A statement from Warren’s office referred to McConnell as “a rightwing evangelical douchebag who’s heading toward a nervous breakdown because he’s about to lose his job when the Democrats sweep the senate in 2018.”

McConnell replied, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, and Warren’s face will always hurt me.”

Clinton: Trump Will Be A Great President

Former Opponent Says Trump Won Election "Fair and Square"

Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”

“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”

“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”

Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.

“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”

“You don’t say,” Cooper said.

“I do say,” Clinton said.

“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”

Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.

“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.

“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”

“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”

“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”

Clinton: I still Menstruate

Former Presidential Candidate Hints "It's Not Over 'Til It's Over"

Clinton announces she still menstruates

Former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has a message for Americans: “I still menstruate.”

“It’s like clockwork, every 28 days on the button and usually lasts four or five days,” Clinton told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “And Lord help Trump if it happens during his inauguration. I’ll scratch his eyes out.”

“Can’t we talk about something else?” Cooper asked, wincing.

“Anderson, as an openly and boisterously gay man, one would think you would be more sensitive to issues females endure,” Clinton said.

“It’s not that I am insensitive. The topic is just a painful reminder that I was born with boy parts when inside I’m a lady,” Cooper replied, apparently holding back tears. “But enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. Why the topic of menstruation?”

“Trump and the Russians have painted me in every conceivable negative way, even going so far as to calling me ‘Granny Clinton,’” Clinton said. “This was a purposeful attack to cause a schism between me and a younger generation of voters as it implies I no longer menstruate.”

“Well, the fact is, I still get my period. I still have mood swings as a result. Sometimes it comes on like a flood without warning. A prime example would be when I returned to one of the Democratic debates later than my male counterparts. I understand the challenges of being a professional lady aiming to break glass ceilings while trying to balance tampons and talking points,” Clinton said.

“So at the end of the day, it’s all about equality,” Clinton continued. “Though I did not win the presidency,  I will continue to fight for women to enjoy equal pay. That includes paid time off due to nasty menstrual cramps. Women have been exploited long enough, having to make up excuses when nature knocks. Well, I say enough is enough. We are going to put this issue to bed.”

“Speaking of bed and your ability to maintain youthful functions, will there perhaps be a baby Clinton crawling around now that you and Bill have been spending quality time alone in the romantic woodlands of Chappaqua?” Cooper asked.

“Not on my end. I’m done having babies although I cannot speak for Bill,” Clinton said.

“Hillary, one of the most shocking things about your loss is that younger women did not come out for you as expected,” Cooper said. “Analysts point out that you failed to connect not only with millennial women, but you also did not connect with suburban soccer moms. So could the reason that you are opening up about the fact that you still menstruate have anything to do with plans to run again in 2020?”

“You know, Anderson, I did win the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes,” Clinton said. “I’m not ruling anything out. But whatever I decide to do, I want American women to know that no matter what, I’m staying in this fight for them.”

“Not only would I bleed for them, I will bleed with them,” Clinton said.

Trump to Take Presidential Gap Year

NEW YORK — President-elect Donald Trump announced at a press conference that he plans to take a “gap year” before occupying the White House.

“It’s the right thing to do,” Trump said. “I’ve enjoyed many, many years as a successful billionaire business tycoon. It’s going to take time to transition to a low paying job, and I want to do it the right way.”

“So, basically, you plan to be an absentee president?” CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked.

“Anderson, you’re a flaming homosexual, but you don’t hear me calling you names, do you?” Trump said. “I think you owe me a little tolerance, as your ilk would say. For heaven’s sake, I’ve got a country to run.”

“Mr. President-elect, I did not mean to offend you,” Cooper continued. “But the fact is, you plan to take off to one of the islands you own right after you’re sworn in as president. You will, in fact, be absent from the White House.”

“You want to know what an absentee president is? Look at Obama,” Trump replied. “For the past eight years, this country has been without leadership while that guy and his family spent $815 million in taxpayer money on monthly vacations. I will get more done in one year tweeting from the beach than Obama accomplished during his entire presidency.”

“And speaking of Obama,” Trump continued, “his daughter Malia has taken a gap year before she heads off to college. I don’t see the media giving her a hard time over her decision. It’s the right thing to do when undergoing a major life change.”

The press conference quickly concluded as the bewildered media pool could think of no further questions.

Trump Considers Supreme Court Nominees

President Elect Narrows Short List to Replace Scalia

Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.

After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.

Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”

Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees: 

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”

Republicans Riot over Trump’s Appointee

republican protestsrp

President-elect Donald Trump announced Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), will be his chief of staff.

“Dammit to hell!” Walter Hitchcock, a Pennsylvania-based Trump supporter said at a recent press conference. “We elected Trump because we hate Hillary’s guts and because we’re sick of the establishment. Reince is totally emblematic of the establishment. He hung out with the Bush family and Senator Lindsey Graham. Probably also hung out in a few fag bars, if you know what I mean. Just look at the guy.”

“Might as well call him ‘Reince the gay prince’ if you ask me,” Hitchcock added, spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.

Hitchcock and other middle-class Republicans took to suburban housing developments and upscale shopping centers in sometimes violent riots. In Hitchcock’s hometown of Wyomissing, PA, rioters smashed windows at a local mall complex, vandalized cars in the parking lot, and threw Starbucks latte cups at police.

“Many of us feel disenfranchised and betrayed,” Bob Watson, Grand Dragon of the North Carolina-based Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and owner of a national brokerage firm said. “It is inconceivable that our President-elect would yield to the establishment, appointing one of their own to the highest post in his administration. What’s next, Governor Christie for Attorney General?”

CEOs in corporate campuses throughout the United States are providing safe spaces complete with puppies and coloring books for executives who are mourning the appointment.

To date, neither President Obama nor President-elect Trump have stepped forward to ask Republicans to stop the violence and to protest peacefully.

 

Clinton: “I’ll Scratch Comey’s Eyes Out!”

clinton_comey

FORT MEYERS, FL — FBI Director James Comey’s letter to Congress regarding an unexpected development in his agency’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s email server has set off a firestorm in the Clinton campaign.

And, with just days to go, Mrs. Clinton is sparing no words.

“Republican Comey thinks his sensationalism and inferences can mobilize undecided inbreds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like to vote for Trump, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough as Comey and his buddy Trump,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a Florida rally.

“I’ll scratch Comey’s eyes out faster than Trump’s wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Comey.

“You know, Anderson, Comey started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch out Comey’s eyes.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“If she’s elected, she’ll take down the second amendment,” Trump said, checking a laminated U.S. Constitution cheat sheet to ensure he referenced the correct amendment. By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Trump added.

 

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting too old for this crap.”

Bill Clinton: “No Fat Shaming and no Interns for me”

fat shaming and clinton women

Politics makes strange bedfellows – but it doesn’t get any stranger than a multigenerational threesome.

Hillary Clinton would like to put her husband’s infidelities behind her. But, allegations of Donald Trump’s fat shaming former beauty contestants have made bringing Monica Lewinsky out of the bedroom closet a matter of political convenience.

“My husband never discriminated against women of any shape, size, or sexual stamina,” Clinton said, enunciating in mockery, staaaaa-naaaah-maaah. “A mirror over our bed is the only glass ceiling Bill supports. But that mirror exists to promote, not demean women.”

“Bill will be too busy making America great again to be bimbo bouncing when I’m president,” Mrs. Clinton said.

Mrs. Clinton’s remarks come on the heels of her husband signing a pledge to tell her no lies and keep his hands to himself, fat shaming or not.

Bill Clinton has vowed a “hands-off-the-interns policy” in a Madame Clinton White House.

“I will not have sexual relations with those women,” Clinton said in a recent interview with Playboy Magazine. “Nor will I engage in any activity others might attempt to define as a sex act.”

A Playboy bunny bent over in front of Clinton to refill his teacup as he made the statement. His eyes bulged as he locked his gaze below her neck.

“Let’s clarify a key point because Republicans will be hanging on my every word in order to ‘get me’ once I become First Lady,” Clinton said. “I was elected president a quarter century ago. Back yonder, I was a young pup. I have since moved on to admiring women in their 40s including a few postmenopausal mommas.”

“Back then I did the Tube Steak Boogie, but I’m now into prime rib,” the former president said.

The interviewer pointed out to Clinton that he referred to himself as the eventual “First Lady” and suggested he meant “First Gentleman.”

“Who the hell you calling a gentleman?” Clinton exclaimed lunging at the interviewer in an attempt to grab him by the neck.

Realizing what he had done, Clinton calmly sat back down and gently apologized.

“Hillary and I support the LGBT movement even though we opposed those queers when I was president,” he said. “So we decided in honor of the transgenders across this great nation, I will assume the title of First Lady. But I did not engage in fat shaming then, nor will I now.”

“You know what that means, right?” Clinton snickered.

“It means I get to use any ole bathroom I please, just like they do at Target,” he said. “So when I’m at some fancy hotel and I see a cutie with that ‘come hither’ look about her go into the ladies room, I’m following after her!”

After the interview concluded, Clinton autographed several Playboy bunnies’ breasts, leaving nonchalantly with one bunny while humming Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator.”

Going down…” he sang to himself as the doors closed.

Clinton Banks on LGBT Currency

Americans will soon be able to withdrawal gay dollars at ATMs.

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton plans to continue her predecessor’s move to change the face of money.

Clinton announced during a recent campaign rally that she will put the final stamp of “all-inclusiveness” into American currency.

“If I am fortunate to be elected president, and I don’t see how I won’t be, I am going ask Treasury Secretary Lew to inscribe pioneers of the LGBT community both on dollars and coinage,” Clinton said.

Clinton granted CNN’s Anderson Cooper an exclusive interview about her proposal after the rally.

“As an openly gay man, I’m delighted that you intend to represent my community,” Cooper said, as he wiped a tear with his shirt cuff. “Which denominations you have in mind?”

“Well, Anderson, all my life I have heard homophobic members of Trump’s basket of deplorables refer to gays as ‘queerer than a three dollar bill,’’ Clinton said. “So my first target is to kill this insult by establishing a three dollar bill featuring a gay man.”

“I’m also targeting Ben Franklin, on the one hundred dollar bill,” she continued. “He reminds me too much of Trump: a fat philanderer who thinks he knows it all.”

“And on coinage?” Cooper asked.

“Washington,” Clinton said. “We don’t need him on the one-dollar bill and the quarter. “So since we can’t change the fact that he was the first president, we’ll leave him on the dollar, and scrap him on the quarter.”

When asked about candidates from the LGBT community she would like to put on coins, Clinton said she’s narrowing down to a short list.

“I am considering Robert Reed, the great gay man who portrayed Mike Brady,” Clinton said. “It just doesn’t get more American than the Brady bunch, now that the Cosby show can no longer be a consideration.”

“Your husband Bill might disagree with you on that point,” Cooper said. “So who ranks at the top of your list for lesbians?”

“Without question, Lizzie Borden,” Clinton replied. “Not only was she accused of heinous crimes she did not commit—something I can personally relate to—she was a lesbian at a time when women’s suffrage was getting its legs.”

“And Lizzie rhymes with lezzie, so what a fit is that?” Clinton said, squawking out a high-pitched bout of laughter.

“What an honor for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I know it would mean so much to my mom if I were nominated for gay currency.”

“Well, Anderson, one must be deceased before he or she can be inscribed on currency,” Clinton said. “You’d have to be a reporter for Fox News to be eligible during my presidency.”

 

Huma Abedin: “Done With That Weiner”

 

Weiner and WifeOops! He did it again!

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner was again snagged in an online “show and tell” of his semi-clad body.

Weiner is the husband of Hillary Clinton’s controversial aide Huma Abedin.

A New York Post report claimed Weiner sent semi-nude pictures of himself to an unidentified woman. Weiner described his sexual fantasies in messages to the woman, calling her “a drooling hop-along sex toy.”

Sources indicate the unidentified woman was a NYPD police detective who was investigating online sexual predators.

Abedin Sues Weiner for Divorce

Fed up with her husband’s shenanigans, Abedin announced she is separating from Weiner.

“The man is not only a philanderer — he’s also a fraud,” Abedin said. “He stuffs his underwear with socks to give the appearance that he’s more endowed than he really is.”

“As a Muslim who practices Sharia Law, I regret rebelling against my father’s pleas to stay away from that unholy infidel,” Abedin said. “My momma told me I better shop around. Unfortunately I did not.”

Weiner shot back against his wife’s accusations, showing no remorse.

“As a Muslim woman, Huma knows she is wrong to publicly disgrace me,” Weiner said. “Right now, she needs to shut her mouth, wrap a burqa over her head, and curl up in a sandbox with the Quran.”

Weiner was also quick to turn Abedin’s accusations of hypocrisy back on her.

“Huma is a high ranking liberal in the Clinton Campaign and needs to start acting like one,” Weiner said. “As a liberal, she supports LGBTQ rights and all kinds of perversions associated with that lifestyle. How can she on one hand accept a group of men oiling up each other and rolling around on a bed all night, but yet condemn me for sharing pics of my bulging manhood with the opposite sex?”

Trump Weighs In

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump was quick to jump into the controversy.

“Abedin has got Crooked Hillary between a rock and a hard place,” Trump said. “She should take lessons from her boss: insist rumors against her husband’s perversions stems from a vast rightwing conspiracy and pledge to stand by her man.”

Abedin does not appear to be interested Trump’s advice.

“After long and painful consideration and work on my marriage, I have made the decision to divorce Anthony,” Abedin said in a statement. “We are devoted to doing what is best for our son, who is the light of our life and the sole reason I don’t Lorena Bobbitt Anthony’s scrotum to shreds.”

Abedin talked about her radical Islamic faith in a recent interview with Vogue. She shared how a network of friends, imams, and clerics helped her through the scandals.

Weiner apparently has been leaning on his own personal network as well. Sources close to the disgraced congressman said he has been in discussions with Jon Gosselin about opening a chain of topless hair salons for men.

CNN Won’t Endorse Trump

CNN Trump

CNN President Jeff Zucker announced the Cable News Network will not endorse Donald Trump for U.S. President.

Zucker stopped short of indicating whether CNN will endorse Hillary Clinton.

The news came as a surprise to CNN insiders, political analysts, and viewers.

“I am disappointed in our decision not to endorse Trump,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said. “I met a lot of gay men at the Republican Convention and had a few wild nights back at the hotel as a result. That would never have happened if one of the establishment Republicans The Donald wiped out were the nominee.”

“Most of all, I was deeply moved when Trump addressed the LGBTQ community,” Cooper continued. “And to be honest, I wept with joy when PayPal founder Peter Thiel spoke. I wouldn’t do him personally, but I was moved to see a flaming homosexual at the podium put another crack in the pink ceiling.”

Trump himself seemed taken back by the announcement.

“Here we go again, more media corruption from the top,” Trump said. “But what the hell does their endorsement mean when they give me all the coverage I want? I could moon someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and CNN would still cover me.”

CNN veteran Wolf Blitzer was also stunned at the announcement.

“Donald is a decent man regardless of how I spin my work against him,” Blitzer said. “He has never made fun of my hideous eyeglasses, and I get a kick out of his grandchildren playing with my beard.”

A response from the Clinton campaign revealed jubilance.

“Knowing CNN will not endorse Trump is, in his own words, ‘huge’,” the statement from the campaign said. “We believe this will result in fairer and balanced coverage, which will be advantageous in helping people see Mrs. Clinton in a more positive light. She’s really not a bad person, all things considered.”

Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly said he believes CNN never intended to endorse Trump. Zucker declined an invitation to discuss the issue on the O’Reilly Factor.

“It’s nothing political, I just can’t stand Irish skirt chasers,” Zucker’s rejection letter said.

O’Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment.

“A guy my age has no time for one-liners and the motions of courtship,” O’Reilly said. “Zucker can take his Grey Poupon and shove it up his you-know-what.”

Toomey Hit with Kathleen Kane Conjugal Visit Requests

 

Toomey kathy cane conjugal visit

Kathleen Kane, a recently convicted public official may be going to prison. And, according to reports, Kane may have company, but not the kind most would think.

Pennsylvania Senator Pat Toomey’s office has been flooded with inquiries about conjugal visits with Kane since her conviction.

She was charged with perjury, false swearing, obstruction, official oppression, conspiracy, and wearing revealing attire distracting to male judges and jurors.

Kane was found guilty of all charges by a jury composed of several notable misogynists, Republican activists, and evangelicals.

“Folks from nearly every Pennsylvania county have been calling our offices asking how they can get on a conjugal visit list with Ms. Kane,” Toomey spokeswoman Sheila Ross told reporters. “Granted Ms. Kane is an attractive woman, but trying to get a romantic visit with her in a state prison is really baffling.”

Ross said the pace of calls has surprisingly increased in the weeks following Kane’s conviction.

“Senator Pat Toomey is very responsive to his constituents,” Ross said. “He has gone against his party a number of times to include supporting homosexual marriages. He supported Target’s move to allow men to choose whichever restroom they please. Most recently he supported the president in calling for the removal of “Under God” from the Pledge of the Allegiance. The Senator is committed to helping constituents in any nature involving state or federal issues.”

Individuals needing information about obtaining conjugal visits with Kathy Kane are asked to call Senator Toomey’s office at (610) 434-1444.

Clinton Birther Fury: “I’ll Scratch Trump’s Eyes Out!”

Clinton Threatens to Scratch out Trump's Eyes

PERTH AMBOY, NJ — Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently accused Hillary Clinton of starting the “birther” rumor that says Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

“Clinton started the birther movement and I ended it,” Trump told reporters.

Clinton quickly pounced on Trump’s remarks with unbridled fury.

“Trump thinks his birther lies can mobilize inbreeds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a New Jersey rally.

“I’ll scratch his eyes out faster than his wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Trump.

“You know, Anderson, Donald started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch his eyes out.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Tump added.

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting to old for this crap.”