NFL Players to Honor LGBT Community on Both Knees

Following the widespread media coverage pro athletes throughout the NFL attracted over the past few weeks, free agent Colin Kaepernick is calling on players to once again “take a knee” — this time in support of the LGBTQ community.

“I am calling on every NFL player, coach, and team player to get on both knees and lock arms during the national anthem in support of the LGBTQ community,” Kaepernick said at a press conference in San Francisco.

The press event was held at “The Stud,” a five-star gay nightclub, which the birthplace of the legendary drag show “Trannyshack.”

During the press conference, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Kaepernick what motivated him to call on players to stand behind the LGBTQ community.

“I’m not taking any homophobic heckling in the form of questions until I am done speaking, so why don’t you sit down and shut up?” Kaepernick quipped.

“Excuse me, sir, but I happen to be a celebrated gay man and Gloria Vanderbilt’s son, so not only am I gay, I grew up surrounded by the world’s most refined homosexual and lesbian role models of our time,” Cooper said.

“Sorry man, I was just trying to imitate President Trump, but I guess you just didn’t get the joke,” Kaepernick said. “But you asked a fantastic question. Really terrific. The reason why I am calling on everyone to take both knees and lock arms to support gay guys like you is simple: I got a real kick out of watching everyone follow my legacy over the past few weeks. I mean, people are like sheep. They really do have that herd mentality, and nobody wants to be on the outside, you know?”

“So, I’m going for the gays,” Kaepernick continued. “They are like the hot trend right now. Everybody is either gay or wants to be gay. It’s the in thing. Or, on a good night, the in and out thing.”

“And when you think about it, the gay man has been oppressed for too long,” Kaepernick continued. “It’s time someone knelt down and did something nice for him…and I don’t mean in the way he’s used to having that done. Anderson, can you imagine on Sunday, you’re spooning with your partner, or whatever you are calling each other these days, and you see all these NFL people on their knees in your honor?”

Oh I like it, like it, like it,” Cooper shouted out with glee.

“What a funky lady!” Kaepernick responded, hip-bumping Anderson.

“Colin, I’d like to make a special request, if I may,” Cooper said. “I love the idea of taking a knee, especially since two knees will be involved. But could we also add ‘take a shower?’ I would love if everyone would just do another encore after the game by kneeling and locking arms in the shower. I promise to give the guys special coverage.”

Sources close to Kaepernick indicate the quarterback ran from the press conference, gripping his hair, muttering repeatedly, “God help me, what have I done?”

Trump Adds NFL To Travel Ban

 

“Keep ’em the hell home!” 

Those were the five words President Donald J. Trump uttered as he signed an executive order adding NFL teams to his controversial travel ban.

“Even Lee Greenwood must be ashamed to be an American after watching those thugs drop to their knees as if they were in some LGBT locker room,” Trump said, referring to the NFL players who knelt in protest at various games throughout the country Sunday. “Those bums are no heroes. They’re a bunch of overpaid, tattooed, unbathed hippy skanks with the morals of Al Qaeda Operatives or Clinton Campaign volunteers if you ask me.”

Trump’s Executive Order, called the “Real Men Don’t Kneel With Other Men Act,” adds NFL teams to a growing list of countries from which travel to the United States is forbidden. Since the NFL players are already located in the United States, the Real Men Act includes a specific provision that prevents NFL team players known to “bend the knee, bend over, or sport hairstyles that look like a bison’s rectal fuzz from traveling together for the purpose of playing professional football.”

“Chad, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Somalia, Syria, Venezuela, Yemen, and now the NFL needs to learn that if you want to play in the United States, you are going to play by the rules,” Trump said, blowing his nose into a Know Your Rights camp tee-shirt.

“I’ve got a country to run, hurricane-ravaged destination points to repair, and insults to tweet,” Trump said. “I don’t have the time to argue with a bunch of little girls in NFL uniforms on their knees like some late night-lady down on 42nd street. Ill-gotten booty’s not my style. Let them follow their butt-fuzz-headed leader straight to unemployment. Fire the sons of bitches!”

Sources close to Kim Jong-un indicate he is considering launching a nuclear attack on America in retaliation for Trump including Colin Kaepernick on the same list as North Korea.

“Apparently, dictators are capable of undergoing moments of morality when provoked,” said U.S. Senator John McCain who sometimes feigns the role as a hero from the Vietnam War.

Colin Kaepernick: “I had to poop”

Kaepernick had to poop

49ers QB Colin Kaepernick said he was trying to avoid an accident in his underwear when he sat out the national anthem

SAN FRANCISCO — San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has sat it out during the national anthem, thrusting much of the nation into a heated debate centered on respect and first amendment rights.

It all began when Kaepernick declined to stand for the national anthem before a preseason game with the Chargers.

Kaepernick said he was trying to avoid a mess rather than send a message.

“I had to poop,” Kaepernick said. “Plain and simple. It came on like a monsoon. Had I stood up at that moment, things were going to get nasty right quick.”

Kaepernick said photographs of him sitting as the national anthem began reveal he was a man in pain.

“Human beings tend to relieve our bowels while seated at a 45-degree angle,” Kaepernick. “That particular position provides dual benefits. First, it sets the course for a smoother fecal discharge. Second, it also offers the person on the toilet a greater degree of control.”

“My key issue was about bowel control,” Kaepernick continued. “I sat at a 45-degree angle with my arms around my stomach. This enabled me to hold my poop and thereby hold my peace. Had I stood up for the national anthem, I would have passed more than just gas.”

A teammate who agreed to speak under anonymity confirmed Kaepernick’s assertions.

“Colin was belting out farts left and right,” his teammate said. “He was obviously embarrassed, trying to hold it in. We’ve all been there. In a crowd. At a checkout line. Standing in church. Trapped as the farts start creeping out, hoping everyone would think it was the other guy.”

Kaepernick Turns Poop into Politics

After much public and media speculation as to why he sat out the national anthem, Kaepernick has decided not to stand for the rest of this season. He hopes to draw attention to what he believes is injustice for all kinds of things such as outlandish cable TV costs and police brutality.

“It wasn’t until people started to make a big stink about me refusing to rise for the national anthem that I hopped on the injustice bandwagon,” Kaepernick said. “As folks speculated about my intention in not standing, I began to connect the dots.”

“Like strained farts, we have a lot of issues in this country that we need to deal with,” said Kaepernick. “America has a lot of people who are oppressed. And we have a lot of people that aren’t treated equally, that aren’t given equal opportunities.”

“The Niners is a phenomenal organization,” he continued. “We’ve had great conversations here on everything from relationships to managing sudden bowel movements,” Kaepernick said. “I’ve had great memories here, especially in the locker room.”

“This team has given me the opportunity to become the man I am today,” he continued with a tear in his eye. “I’m grateful for that. Because I don’t think I’m less of a man for trying to contain a bowel movement for the greater good of my teammates and these United States. And I couldn’t have gotten to this point without my team’s support.”