Trump tells Cruz and Kasich to Come out of the Closet


Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump laughed off an ironic alliance between Ted Cruz and John Kasich with a three-word response: “dead and desperate.”

A FOX News Real Time poll shows the majority of U.S. millennials did not understand Trump’s carefully chosen line was a play on the 1994 comedy movie Dumb and Dumber.

Other pollsters concur with FOX’s findings but a number of them add that millennials do not understand much at all to include movies they recently saw or that it’s ok not to tip for takeout food.

“Lyin’ Ted and Mini Van Mama Kasich are mathematically dead and totally desperate,” Trump tweeted after the announcement of the Cruz-Kasich alliance.

A press release from Trump called the alliance “a horrible act of desperation from two closet pals who have horribly failed.”

When asked by a CNN reporter he meant by “closet pals,” Trump replied:

“They’re a pair of gay guys, I tell ya! Get ‘em the hell out of here!”

After calming down, Trump fixed his collar and added with a smile, “There’s a bright spot for everything, though. I get a belly laugh just picturing those two cowboys at some good ole’ honky tonk doing the do-si-do with each other. They need to come out of the closet.”

The Cruz and Kasich campaigns made their announcement in Philadelphia, during which each tried to make the case that Trump has an outdated toupee and chronic halitosis.

Cruz was quick to point out he could be trusted as he looks like Bruce Patrick, the lad who played Eddie on The Monsters. Kasich added that he too bears a famous resemblance: John Denver. The Ohio Governor whipped out an acoustic guitar and began plucking Rocky Mountain High.

The duo kept in perfect harmony until the chorus when Cruz’s voice petered out as he labored in vain to sing the high notes. Kasich grimaced because that is what esteemed gentlemen of his deportment and stature are expected to do.

The simultaneously released statements announced that Kasich would pull out of Indiana to give Cruz “a clear path” ahead of that state’s winner-take-all primary May 3, while the Cruz campaign will “clear the path” for Kasich in Oregon, which votes May 17, and New Mexico, which votes June 7.

“The only clear path these clowns have is from my fist to their noses the next time I see them,” Trump said.

Cruz Blasts Secret Service for Protecting Trump


GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz denounced the Secret Service for protecting Donald Trump, who was forced to cancel a scheduled Chicago rally. Cruz said the Secret Service  engaged in a “a planned intervention” that was “professionally done.” He blamed Trump for not doing the right thing, which would have been to order the Secret Service to “stand down.”

“This is a clear obstruction of the First Amendment by interfering with those who wish to have their voices heard by killing Trump,” Cruz said.

Cruz’s accusations came right after Trump refused to apologize for his rhetoric at his rallies, one of which was interrupted when a man tried to rush the stage. Secret Service officers protected the GOP front-runner, who was unharmed.  It was unclear if Trump’s hair was disheveled by the event or if he was having a bad hair day.

“Using the Secret Service to protect Trump is furthermore a clear abuse of taxpayer money and simply the wrong thing to do,” Cruz said.

Clashes broke out Friday night between protesters and Trump supporters after the campaign announced the rally would be canceled more than 30 minutes after it was scheduled to start. Hundreds of protesters with nothing to do packed into the University of Illinois at Chicago venue for the rally, prompting the campaign to call off the event.

The protests and fights in Chicago were the latest in a string of increasingly heated and at-times violent confrontations breaking out at rallies for the front-runner in the Republican presidential race. And they come as Trump has repeatedly suggested protesters along with Ted Cruz should face more violent repercussions for disrupting his rallies.

“We’re all together and we want to get along with everybody, but when they have organized, professionally staged wise guys we’ve got to fight back, and schlong them across the stadium if necessary,” Trump said Saturday in Dayton.

As he did the previous night in a round of phoned in TV interviews, Trump didn’t walk back any of his rhetoric Saturday. He again claimed that neither the tone of his campaign nor his supporters were to blame for any violence at his rallies nor the early spring weather.

“They want me to tell my people please be nice be nice. My people are nice, as measured against the standard of New York values, ” Trump said Saturday.

Early Saturday afternoon, Trump’s campaign issued a statement about the Chicago rally, saying that Chicago police, as well as Secret Service and private security firms, “were consulted, totally involved, and paid off as mandated by Chicago municipal statutes” in the decision to cancel the event.

Man tries to rush stage

While Trump was speaking in Dayton, Ohio the following day, a man dressed as a bird screaming, ““Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!” tried to jump a barrier behind the stage in an apparent effort to confront the GOP front-runner. He was quickly blocked by Secret Service officers, and members of Trump’s security detail along with his personal valets rushed to cover him. Officials have not yet revealed the man’s identity, but there is widespread speculation among the Trump campaign that Marco Rubio may be the masked man.

Rubio could not be reached for comment, nor could he be located, which further stirred the speculation.

When asked about the ordeal during an on-air interview about the ongoing to dispute between Trump and Cruz, presidential candidate John Kasich shook his head and replied, “You know, I’m really getting too old for this crap.”



Rubio Vows Airport Equity – Will Require TSA to Respect Travelers

rubio airport

During a Nevada rally, presidential candidate Marco Rubio vowed to make traveling through airports a more enjoyable experience.

“I have heard one airport story after another about how the TSA has substantially added to the misery many Americans experience during their travels,” Rubio told supporters. “Time and again people have missed their flights due to overzealous TSA agents, have been patted down like a Clinton White House intern, or have had personal items confiscated such as love oils in bottles exceeding three ounces.”

“My opponent likes to blame presidents Clinton and Bush for 9/11, but he refuses to address how the American people suffer at the hands of the failed TSA program that was implemented as a result of the terrorist attacks,” he continued. “When I am elected president, my first Executive Order will require TSA agents to ditch their ugly disco-era blue shirts and to politely explain to travelers what their mysterious highlighter markings on boarding passes indicate.”

Rubio also promised that he will work with Congress to pass a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Do” law which would require the TSA to remove their belts and shoes before requiring passengers to do the same.

“If TSA agents don’t want the possibility of their pants falling down or to contracting ringworm from filthy airport floors, then they had better not ask passengers to disrobe to any degree.”

Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said Rubio’s obsession with the TSA is simply a diversion from the fact that he plans to allow illegal immigration to proliferate.

Governor John Kasich said in a press statement that he was simply too grown up to comment on the issue, which is why he drives a Ford Windstar.