Schumer wants Irish, Italian, and Indians on Travel Ban

Schumer calls for stronger travel ban

NEW YORK — A tearful Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is urging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Indian nationals to the U.S. Travel ban.

“It has long been an established fact that the Irish are boisterous drunks who often start barroom brawls,” Schumer said. “There can be no question that undocumented Irishmen significantly contribute to domestic terrorism.”

Schumer added that the Irish are often behind police corruption.

“Look at the police in New York City,” Schumer said. “Every time a Mc-something is in charge of the force, you can bet there is bribery and extortion going on somewhere. And, the Irish cannot be trusted. There is no question we have enough of those redheads in this country. We don’t need more.”

“Then you have those Italians,” Schumer added, bursting into song:

“DAY-GO, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY-GO….Dago comes, slaps his chick and goes home…If her brother’s upstate for about six to eight, that’s a dago….!”

Being brought back on queue by one of his staffers, Schumer cleared his throat and said, “When a guy’s name ends with a vowel, trouble is not far. Believe me, the mafia is alive and well, and I am certain the President will agree with me. Those Italians are nothing but trouble, what with their gangs, drug lords, and forcing honest Oriental merchants to pay protection money. These guys need to be thoroughly vetted and bathed a few times before we let them into our country!”

The Senate Minority Leader finally turned the conversation to Indians.

“Indians just look guilty,” Schumer said. “I’m not sure what it is they’ve done, but their faces give them away. Have you ever seen an Indian that doesn’t have that guilty look?”

“Besides, ever get stuck behind a clan of them at the farmers market?” Schumer asked. “They’re always bargaining, trying to get a better deal. It’s a silent but deadly attack on our economy. And why do they all have to go to the market together? For Pete’s sake, who is guarding the village?”

In closing, Schumer again encouraged President Trump to include the Irish, Italians, and Indians on the U.S. travel ban list, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.

Trump to be Sworn In as President Using Koran, and his Own Bible

When Donald Trump is sworn in on Inauguration Day, he will take the oath using two holy books: the Koran, plus his own Bible.

The president-elect’s Bible dates back to childhood, according to the Presidential Inaugural Committee, which announced more details of Friday’s swearing-in on Tuesday.

The Bible was given to Trump by his mother when he graduated from Sunday Church Primary School at First Presbyterian Church in the Queens, New York, neighborhood of Jamaica in 1955 — just days before he turned 9 years old.

The coffee-stained paperback Koran Trump intends to use was purchased online from a discount used bookseller for $1.50.  His secretary made the purchase during a lunch break last week. She also purchased a used copy of the Koran For Dummies to help the President-elect get up to speed on the basics of radical Islamic scripture.

The inaugural committee’s chairman said Trump was “humbled” to have his own Bible, as well as the Koran, included in his swearing-in ceremony.

“My predecessor President Obama was clearly a Muslim, and I intend to show deference and respect to him as well to all highly vetted Muslim-Americans,” Trump said.

When a member of the press pool challenged Mr. Trump to prove Obama was a Muslim, the President-elect quickly put the question to rest.

“Look, when I was in Sunday school, we were taught not to be professing Christians, but rather to let our light shine so that people would know we were in the fold,” Trump said. “President Obama has not overtly said he was a Muslim, but it was obvious from the get-go that that guy in fact was. One of the first things he did on his Apology Tour after being elected was head over to Arab nations and bow to sheiks and swamis. His whole damned presidency was about appeasing Muslims and I’m trying to show a little bit of respect to his legacy before I cancel out everything he accomplished during his presidency.”

Trump’s oath of office will be administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who is expected to remain sober for the event.

Vice President-elect Mike Pence, meanwhile, will take the oath using the Reagan family Bible, the inaugural committee announced over the weekend.

“President Ronald Reagan placed his faith in a loving God and the goodness of our country. He set out to change a nation and in doing so, he changed the world. In the march of history, Ronald Reagan’s time in office was limited, but his legacy inspired a generation and will continue beyond,” Pence said in a statement.

The Democratic National Committee responded to Pence in a one-word tweet: “Hogwash.”

Huma Abedin: “Done With That Weiner”

 

Weiner and WifeOops! He did it again!

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner was again snagged in an online “show and tell” of his semi-clad body.

Weiner is the husband of Hillary Clinton’s controversial aide Huma Abedin.

A New York Post report claimed Weiner sent semi-nude pictures of himself to an unidentified woman. Weiner described his sexual fantasies in messages to the woman, calling her “a drooling hop-along sex toy.”

Sources indicate the unidentified woman was a NYPD police detective who was investigating online sexual predators.

Abedin Sues Weiner for Divorce

Fed up with her husband’s shenanigans, Abedin announced she is separating from Weiner.

“The man is not only a philanderer — he’s also a fraud,” Abedin said. “He stuffs his underwear with socks to give the appearance that he’s more endowed than he really is.”

“As a Muslim who practices Sharia Law, I regret rebelling against my father’s pleas to stay away from that unholy infidel,” Abedin said. “My momma told me I better shop around. Unfortunately I did not.”

Weiner shot back against his wife’s accusations, showing no remorse.

“As a Muslim woman, Huma knows she is wrong to publicly disgrace me,” Weiner said. “Right now, she needs to shut her mouth, wrap a burqa over her head, and curl up in a sandbox with the Quran.”

Weiner was also quick to turn Abedin’s accusations of hypocrisy back on her.

“Huma is a high ranking liberal in the Clinton Campaign and needs to start acting like one,” Weiner said. “As a liberal, she supports LGBTQ rights and all kinds of perversions associated with that lifestyle. How can she on one hand accept a group of men oiling up each other and rolling around on a bed all night, but yet condemn me for sharing pics of my bulging manhood with the opposite sex?”

Trump Weighs In

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump was quick to jump into the controversy.

“Abedin has got Crooked Hillary between a rock and a hard place,” Trump said. “She should take lessons from her boss: insist rumors against her husband’s perversions stems from a vast rightwing conspiracy and pledge to stand by her man.”

Abedin does not appear to be interested Trump’s advice.

“After long and painful consideration and work on my marriage, I have made the decision to divorce Anthony,” Abedin said in a statement. “We are devoted to doing what is best for our son, who is the light of our life and the sole reason I don’t Lorena Bobbitt Anthony’s scrotum to shreds.”

Abedin talked about her radical Islamic faith in a recent interview with Vogue. She shared how a network of friends, imams, and clerics helped her through the scandals.

Weiner apparently has been leaning on his own personal network as well. Sources close to the disgraced congressman said he has been in discussions with Jon Gosselin about opening a chain of topless hair salons for men.

Trump Revises Supreme Court Nominee List

 

trump victory signAfter taking heat for the eleven Supreme Court nominees Trump said he is considering to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Antonin Scalia, the billionaire threw out that list and created the following.

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the tub. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy is doing a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring on Bernie is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsberg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsberg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her face sags, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the presumptive Republican nominee could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. Besides, she will be the first sitting justice to be arrested, which would be a fabulous example to America’s children that you can’t run away from trouble. There ain’t no place that far. But if we do it right at the speed of light, there’s a motorcade for my car – caviar!”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has got more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “She’s a freaking know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justices to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour.”