NEW YORK — A tearful Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is urging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Indian nationals to the U.S. Travel ban.
“It has long been an established fact that the Irish are boisterous drunks who often start barroom brawls,” Schumer said. “There can be no question that undocumented Irishmen significantly contribute to domestic terrorism.”
Schumer added that the Irish are often behind police corruption.
“Look at the police in New York City,” Schumer said. “Every time a Mc-something is in charge of the force, you can bet there is bribery and extortion going on somewhere. And, the Irish cannot be trusted. There is no question we have enough of those redheads in this country. We don’t need more.”
“Then you have those Italians,” Schumer added, bursting into song:
“DAY-GO, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY-GO….Dago comes, slaps his chick and goes home…If her brother’s upstate for about six to eight, that’s a dago….!”
Being brought back on queue by one of his staffers, Schumer cleared his throat and said, “When a guy’s name ends with a vowel, trouble is not far. Believe me, the mafia is alive and well, and I am certain the President will agree with me. Those Italians are nothing but trouble, what with their gangs, drug lords, and forcing honest Oriental merchants to pay protection money. These guys need to be thoroughly vetted and bathed a few times before we let them into our country!”
The Senate Minority Leader finally turned the conversation to Indians.
“Indians just look guilty,” Schumer said. “I’m not sure what it is they’ve done, but their faces give them away. Have you ever seen an Indian that doesn’t have that guilty look?”
“Besides, ever get stuck behind a clan of them at the farmers market?” Schumer asked. “They’re always bargaining, trying to get a better deal. It’s a silent but deadly attack on our economy. And why do they all have to go to the market together? For Pete’s sake, who is guarding the village?”
In closing, Schumer again encouraged President Trump to include the Irish, Italians, and Indians on the U.S. travel ban list, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.