Schumer wants Irish, Italian, and Indians on Travel Ban

Schumer calls for stronger travel ban

NEW YORK — A tearful Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is urging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Indian nationals to the U.S. Travel ban.

“It has long been an established fact that the Irish are boisterous drunks who often start barroom brawls,” Schumer said. “There can be no question that undocumented Irishmen significantly contribute to domestic terrorism.”

Schumer added that the Irish are often behind police corruption.

“Look at the police in New York City,” Schumer said. “Every time a Mc-something is in charge of the force, you can bet there is bribery and extortion going on somewhere. And, the Irish cannot be trusted. There is no question we have enough of those redheads in this country. We don’t need more.”

“Then you have those Italians,” Schumer added, bursting into song:

“DAY-GO, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY-GO….Dago comes, slaps his chick and goes home…If her brother’s upstate for about six to eight, that’s a dago….!”

Being brought back on queue by one of his staffers, Schumer cleared his throat and said, “When a guy’s name ends with a vowel, trouble is not far. Believe me, the mafia is alive and well, and I am certain the President will agree with me. Those Italians are nothing but trouble, what with their gangs, drug lords, and forcing honest Oriental merchants to pay protection money. These guys need to be thoroughly vetted and bathed a few times before we let them into our country!”

The Senate Minority Leader finally turned the conversation to Indians.

“Indians just look guilty,” Schumer said. “I’m not sure what it is they’ve done, but their faces give them away. Have you ever seen an Indian that doesn’t have that guilty look?”

“Besides, ever get stuck behind a clan of them at the farmers market?” Schumer asked. “They’re always bargaining, trying to get a better deal. It’s a silent but deadly attack on our economy. And why do they all have to go to the market together? For Pete’s sake, who is guarding the village?”

In closing, Schumer again encouraged President Trump to include the Irish, Italians, and Indians on the U.S. travel ban list, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.

China Amends New Two-Child Policy


Beijing—In 2015, China ended its decades long one-child policy, allowing couples to plan for and have two children.

However, the new policy was ambiguous and left many questions such as:

  • Do conjoined twins count as one or two children?
  • If a couple has twins during the second round, can they trade in the first child for a government subsidized family pet if they find the twins cuter?
  • If our family decides to have the pet for dinner, can we get another one through government subsidy?
  • Does having a second child increase the potential of having permanent stretch marks?
  • Since we do not have access to Google, will the government provide us with a list of trendy baby names?
  • While we are on a reform roll can we change Beijing’s name back to Peking?

Those questions and other key topics were debated during a recent four-day Communist Party summit in Beijing attended by a Politburo of China’s top government leaders, business executives, and mail carriers.

The summit was held offsite at the Holiday Inn Downtown, Beijing (北京市). Attendees wore “Hello My Name Is” nametags and enjoyed a networking event before sessions got under way. The summit was facilitated by a consultant who hung self-stick easel board paper chock full of ideas on the conference room wall. Attendees were provided color-coded adhesive dots to stick on the ideas they liked best. Participants were observed through a two-way mirror for quality assurance purposes. Those who voted for ideas not in line with Politburo leadership were summarily beheaded during cigarette breaks.

The Politburo was deeply divided between supporters of the new policy allowing two children and proponents of the old, which limited families to one child.

Proponents of the old vehemently argued that “continued expansion of the new policy will result in widespread Viagra abuse and mating in the streets.”

Supporters of the new policy urged proponents of the old to “make love and not war.”

Both sides, however, found middle ground in banning the names “Taylor” and “Tyler,” pointing out how out of hand that trend has become in the U.S.

“The whole graduating class of my son’s American pen pal is named either Taylor or Tyler,” said one official. “That is not sustainable, and will cause unmitigated damage to the integrity of the People’s Republic.”

Another official cautioned the Politburo to tone down the rhetoric about the U.S. as Hillary Clinton recently wore a Mao Tse Tung pantsuit to a presidential debate.

“We believe she is sending strong signals that she intends to expand trade between our nations,” the official said. “The way our economy is going, we need the cash. Let’s not blow it during this passionate debate.”

A statement published by Xinhua, China’s official news agency said that the results of the summit are forthcoming and will be distributed after ratification by Communist Party leaders.

“In the interim, married couples are urged to get busy in bed,” the statement concluded.

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