Clinton: “I’ll Scratch Comey’s Eyes Out!”

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FORT MEYERS, FL — FBI Director James Comey’s letter to Congress regarding an unexpected development in his agency’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s email server has set off a firestorm in the Clinton campaign.

And, with just days to go, Mrs. Clinton is sparing no words.

“Republican Comey thinks his sensationalism and inferences can mobilize undecided inbreds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like to vote for Trump, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough as Comey and his buddy Trump,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a Florida rally.

“I’ll scratch Comey’s eyes out faster than Trump’s wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Comey.

“You know, Anderson, Comey started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch out Comey’s eyes.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“If she’s elected, she’ll take down the second amendment,” Trump said, checking a laminated U.S. Constitution cheat sheet to ensure he referenced the correct amendment. By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Trump added.

 

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting too old for this crap.”

Huma Abedin: “Done With That Weiner”

 

Weiner and WifeOops! He did it again!

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner was again snagged in an online “show and tell” of his semi-clad body.

Weiner is the husband of Hillary Clinton’s controversial aide Huma Abedin.

A New York Post report claimed Weiner sent semi-nude pictures of himself to an unidentified woman. Weiner described his sexual fantasies in messages to the woman, calling her “a drooling hop-along sex toy.”

Sources indicate the unidentified woman was a NYPD police detective who was investigating online sexual predators.

Abedin Sues Weiner for Divorce

Fed up with her husband’s shenanigans, Abedin announced she is separating from Weiner.

“The man is not only a philanderer — he’s also a fraud,” Abedin said. “He stuffs his underwear with socks to give the appearance that he’s more endowed than he really is.”

“As a Muslim who practices Sharia Law, I regret rebelling against my father’s pleas to stay away from that unholy infidel,” Abedin said. “My momma told me I better shop around. Unfortunately I did not.”

Weiner shot back against his wife’s accusations, showing no remorse.

“As a Muslim woman, Huma knows she is wrong to publicly disgrace me,” Weiner said. “Right now, she needs to shut her mouth, wrap a burqa over her head, and curl up in a sandbox with the Quran.”

Weiner was also quick to turn Abedin’s accusations of hypocrisy back on her.

“Huma is a high ranking liberal in the Clinton Campaign and needs to start acting like one,” Weiner said. “As a liberal, she supports LGBTQ rights and all kinds of perversions associated with that lifestyle. How can she on one hand accept a group of men oiling up each other and rolling around on a bed all night, but yet condemn me for sharing pics of my bulging manhood with the opposite sex?”

Trump Weighs In

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump was quick to jump into the controversy.

“Abedin has got Crooked Hillary between a rock and a hard place,” Trump said. “She should take lessons from her boss: insist rumors against her husband’s perversions stems from a vast rightwing conspiracy and pledge to stand by her man.”

Abedin does not appear to be interested Trump’s advice.

“After long and painful consideration and work on my marriage, I have made the decision to divorce Anthony,” Abedin said in a statement. “We are devoted to doing what is best for our son, who is the light of our life and the sole reason I don’t Lorena Bobbitt Anthony’s scrotum to shreds.”

Abedin talked about her radical Islamic faith in a recent interview with Vogue. She shared how a network of friends, imams, and clerics helped her through the scandals.

Weiner apparently has been leaning on his own personal network as well. Sources close to the disgraced congressman said he has been in discussions with Jon Gosselin about opening a chain of topless hair salons for men.