U.S. House Impeaches Matt Lauer

matt lauer head shot

WASHINGTON — A deeply divided House of Representatives impeached Today Show anchor Matt Lauer Friday on charges of journalistic sexism.

Leading Democrats accused Lauer of posing tougher questions to Hillary Clinton during NBC’s recent “Commander-in-Chief Forum” than those he asked of Trump.

Lauer was also charged with “Obstruction of Pantsuits.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said Lauer used that tactic to “paint a granny-like Betsy Ross image of Hillary.”

“There is no question that Lauer wanted the American people to see Hillary’s role as a matriarch on a rocking chair,” Pelosi said. “Lauer’s shaved head and Trump’s empty mind were working together like hand and glove.”

Lauer is the first American journalist in history to be impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives.

Lauer told reporters he was disappointed but not surprised by the House impeachment vote. He vowed to serve out the remaining two years in his contract.

“I was committed to seeking a quick bipartisan compromise, but that’s not how things work in Washington anymore,” Lauer said.

Following the votes, the Congressional Press Pool rode buses to Trump Towers and stood behind Lauer at a media event where the news anchor pledged to continue to fight and asked for national reconciliation.

“We need to move beyond reverse sexism and get on with the business of the country,” Lauer said. “For heaven’s sake, we’re trying to elect a president!”

Clinton to Host “Afro-Centric” Picnics

Clinton Plans African American Picnics

Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton announced she will host “Afro-Centric Picnics” throughout September. The announcement follows a New York Times report entitled “Young Blacks Voice Skepticism on Hillary Clinton, Worrying Democrats.”

“Trump is trying to make voters believe he’s gaining ground with African Americans,” Clinton said. “As Toni Morrison said, my husband was America’s first black president. It was Bill’s groundwork that enabled Barrack Obama, a young first-term senator to be elected president. The African American community remains thankful and loyal to Bill for being their first president. And they are prepared to express that gratitude by voting for me in droves on November 8.”

Another indicator that Clinton is losing momentum among African American voters is a series of articles by left leaning political analysts that her post-convention bounce has flattened. For example, RealClearPolitics.com recently ran an article penned by Nate Silver, political analyst and founder of 538.com, entitled “As Race Tightens, Don’t Assume Electoral College Saves Clinton.” The article says Clinton no longer has a clear path to the White House through traditional battleground states. Silver is renowned for his accuracy in predicting the outcomes of a number of major elections. After successfully calling the outcomes in 49 of the 50 states in the 2008 U.S. Presidential election, Silver was named one of The World’s 100 Most Influential People by Time. Although he relies on statistics to call the races he analyzes, Silver clearly leans far left.

Silver said social media has made polls unreliable as “an ungodly number of voters form opinions on headlines alone.”  He pointed to a recent article about Trump hosting such picnics. The article’s headline caused a huge uproar.

“People jumped to conclusions and posted outrageous comments simply over the headline,” Silver said. “Had they taken the time to read at least the first few paragraphs, they would have quickly discerned that the article was satire. Instead, they forwarded the piece through their social media accounts causing a proliferation of confusion and strife.”

“Such nonsensical behaviors cannot be factored into polls’ margins of errors, often leaving us with terribly skewed data,” Silver added. “This issue is so huge, Trump could be heading toward a landslide victory come November for all we know. Or Nate Silver, for that matter.”

Silver predicted that a similar number of people will fly off the handle over this satirical piece you are now reading as they did on the article on Trump. He added that if you actually read through this article to its finish, “you should be given the right to vote multiple times on Nov. 8.”

CNN Won’t Endorse Trump

CNN Trump

CNN President Jeff Zucker announced the Cable News Network will not endorse Donald Trump for U.S. President.

Zucker stopped short of indicating whether CNN will endorse Hillary Clinton.

The news came as a surprise to CNN insiders, political analysts, and viewers.

“I am disappointed in our decision not to endorse Trump,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said. “I met a lot of gay men at the Republican Convention and had a few wild nights back at the hotel as a result. That would never have happened if one of the establishment Republicans The Donald wiped out were the nominee.”

“Most of all, I was deeply moved when Trump addressed the LGBTQ community,” Cooper continued. “And to be honest, I wept with joy when PayPal founder Peter Thiel spoke. I wouldn’t do him personally, but I was moved to see a flaming homosexual at the podium put another crack in the pink ceiling.”

Trump himself seemed taken back by the announcement.

“Here we go again, more media corruption from the top,” Trump said. “But what the hell does their endorsement mean when they give me all the coverage I want? I could moon someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and CNN would still cover me.”

CNN veteran Wolf Blitzer was also stunned at the announcement.

“Donald is a decent man regardless of how I spin my work against him,” Blitzer said. “He has never made fun of my hideous eyeglasses, and I get a kick out of his grandchildren playing with my beard.”

A response from the Clinton campaign revealed jubilance.

“Knowing CNN will not endorse Trump is, in his own words, ‘huge’,” the statement from the campaign said. “We believe this will result in fairer and balanced coverage, which will be advantageous in helping people see Mrs. Clinton in a more positive light. She’s really not a bad person, all things considered.”

Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly said he believes CNN never intended to endorse Trump. Zucker declined an invitation to discuss the issue on the O’Reilly Factor.

“It’s nothing political, I just can’t stand Irish skirt chasers,” Zucker’s rejection letter said.

O’Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment.

“A guy my age has no time for one-liners and the motions of courtship,” O’Reilly said. “Zucker can take his Grey Poupon and shove it up his you-know-what.”

Clinton to Mormons: Trump is a Satanic Evangelical

Utah may decide who wins the White House

Utah may decide who wins the White House

Utah’s Mormons could determine who wins the White House, and Hillary Clinton has taken notice.

In an opinion piece, Clinton referred to Mitt Romney as the Mormons’ “spiritual mentor.” She suggested Mormons should follow his example and reject Donald Trump’s campaign of “satanic and sadistic values.”

“Trump’s status as a bigoted evangelical Christian is troubling,” Clinton said. “There is no question that if he is elected president, Utah will become a Mormon concentration camp.”

Clinton also pointed out she is the best candidate because of her record of keeping Jews from getting elected.

“I kept Bernie Sanders out of the White House,” Clinton said. “This is important because Jews reject Mormonism. For example, they do not choose Utah as a vacation destination point. I find that grossly offensive and intolerable.”

Clinton also lauded her record of tolerance for “faiths that aren’t hung up on a fictional saviors, shepherds and sheep.”

“Religious freedom defines us as a nation,” Clinton said. “Tales of a guy hanging on a cross who pops back to life in time for Sunday brunch, however don’t.”

Clinton called for reform that will “bring families and the LGBT community out of the shadows and keep children, priests, and parents together.” She also gave mention to her other family-focused issues. These include paternity leave for fathers who are tired of working and the right for Mormons to urinate in public.

During an interview on Salt Lake City’s K-Talk, Clinton was asked how she could call herself religiously tolerant given Bill Clinton killed scores of children when he ordered the demise of the Branch Davidian Compound in Waco, Texas in 1993.

Clinton asked the producer to cut to a commercial break as she needed “a bio break.” She reportedly failed to return to the studio after finishing her business in the lady’s room.

Clinton Birther Fury: “I’ll Scratch Trump’s Eyes Out!”

Clinton Threatens to Scratch out Trump's Eyes

PERTH AMBOY, NJ — Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently accused Hillary Clinton of starting the “birther” rumor that says Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

“Clinton started the birther movement and I ended it,” Trump told reporters.

Clinton quickly pounced on Trump’s remarks with unbridled fury.

“Trump thinks his birther lies can mobilize inbreeds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a New Jersey rally.

“I’ll scratch his eyes out faster than his wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Trump.

“You know, Anderson, Donald started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch his eyes out.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Tump added.

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting to old for this crap.”

Dems ban God from Convention: Wasserman

wasserman schultz interviews with anderson cooper

Outgoing Democratic National Committee  Chairman Debbie Wasserman Shultz announced that all mentions of God will be banned at next week’s Convention.

“It’s time to settle the issue once and for all. The Democratic Party is a party of leadership, vision, and fresh ideas. Antiquated beliefs about God or references to the so-called Holy Bible have no place in our party, convention, and in fact, our great nation,” Wasserman Shultz said.

The Convention begins Monday in Philadelphia, Pa.  Democratic leadership will vote to set the rules of the convention at the onset of the event. Wasserman Shultz said an early polling of the group indicates overwhelming support for the ban.

“It’s important to note, we already have a packed lineup of speakers so we need to use our time wisely,” Wasserman Shultz said. “And, it’s critical that we focus on the issues to ensure Hillary Clinton is elected the next president of the United States and, just as importantly, Donald Trump is not. The convention is hardly the right place to play church.”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper pressed Wasserman Shultz for the motive behind the move.

“I’m not saying that I disagree with you as I think that if there is a God it would be a ‘she,’” Cooper said. “But it seems to me you are putting a lot of emphasis on this issue the day after Trump outlined his aggressive, and quite frankly, rather well thought plan for America should he be elected.”

“The bottom line, Anderson, is there is no God,” said Wasserman Schultz. “For example, when my husband and I decided to have children, we tore off our clothes, hopped into bed, and made babies. I can tell you up front, we’re not into threesomes, so there was no God there to help us out. The convention is not a place to foster fairy tales.”

“I can relate somewhat to what you’re saying although as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “And I know that LGBTQ issues will be at the forefront of the convention.”

“They sure will be, Anderson,” Wasserman Schultz said. “And to your point about being gay, if there was a God, you and your partner would be able to have a baby just by praying for one.”

Wasserman said that just prior to the convention, an offsite Bible burning will take place in the parking lot of nearby Lincoln Field. Nightly séances will be held, culminating in a Thursday night orgy after Secretary Clinton accepts her party’s nomination.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Aerosmith’s Joey Kramer for the idea for this piece! 

Clinton to Plagiarize Emancipation Proclamation

 

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Noticing the massive publicity Melania Trump enjoyed after being accused of plagiarizing Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton announced she also plans to “repurpose some good copy.”

A statement released by the Clinton Campaign on Wednesday indicated Mrs. Clinton has been reviewing Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation “to determine relevant parts she can lift that fit into today’s America.”

In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Clinton detailed what she meant by “today’s America.”

“You know, Anderson, the Emancipation Proclamation was truly a great speech, but it’s fairly one-sided as it measures up against today’s society,” Clinton said. “And I am sure if President Lincoln were here today, he would both endorse me, and would want to make sure the speech contained elements that not only please those of us who enjoy white privilege, but also reaches to the heart and the concerns of the Black Lives Matter movement, peace-loving Muslims regardless of whether they wish to harm us, illegal immigrants of all nationalities, police reform activists, and of course, the LGBT community.”

Cooper reminded Clinton that he is openly gay and appreciates that she believes President Lincoln would defend his right to enjoy naked horseplay with other men.

“Well, Anderson, that’s what friends are for,” Clinton said with a smile, and a wink, and a sparkle in her eye.

“Are you Dionneifying me?” Cooper chuckled.

“Hey don’t forget, we also have Elton in there as well, so perhaps I’m Johnifying you?” Clinton said.

“I’m not sure how I feel about being call a john, although it certainly would not be the first time. But let me say this: Elton was and remains a great leader and role model for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I give no small credit to his sacrifice in laying the foundation for men like me to not only come out my mother’s closet, but doing so wearing one of her latest fashions.”

“You know, Cooper, if I’m elected president—and of course I will be as I’ve already told the American people all they want hear—I plan to name you as this great country’s first Mayor of the Gay Community,” Clinton said.

Cooper became so choked up with tears that CNN was forced to take an unscheduled commercial break.

Editor’s note: Special thanks to followers Lisha DeRycke Hallek and Stef Aneli for their valuable assistance in helping me craft, edit, and plagiarize this report. 

F.B.I.: No Charges for Clinton or Fogle

comey

WASHINGTON — The F.B.I. director, James B. Comey, on Tuesday recommended no criminal charges against Hillary Clinton for mishandling of classified information while she was secretary of state. Two hours later, she boarded Air Force One for her first joint campaign appearance with President Obama.

The F.B.I. director, James B. Comey, also said on Tuesday that the agency was recommending withdrawing charges in her use of a private email server while secretary of state.

Even more surprising, Comey said that the FBI would withdrawal child pornography charges against Jered Fogle for collecting internet pornography while serving as Subway’s communication secretary. Two hours later he boarded Air Force Two for his first joint pornographic casting with Vice President Joe Biden.

Mr. Comey rebuked Mrs. Clinton as being “extremely careless” in using a private server. He raised questions about her judgment, and pointed out contradicted statements she has made about her email practices, said it was possible that hostile foreign governments had gained access to her account, and declared that a person still employed by the government.

Comey pointed out that Fogle that while the former Subway spokesman’s actions were grotesque and immoral, he has gained 30 pounds since entering prison, hence demonstrating deep remorse for his actions. Comey further said that Fogle’s weight loss proved that a Subway diet could truly help one lose weight. He said that it would be hypocritical to maintain charges against Fogle while a number of Clinton’ defences were ‘blatant’ lies.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch said last week that she would accept the recommendation of the F.B.I. and career prosecutors in the case after a storm of criticism about an impromptu meeting between her and former President Bill Clinton on an airport tarmac in Phoenix because she had directed Comey to ‘take it easy’ on Mrs. Clinton.”

Mr. Comey’s 15-minute announcement, delivered with no advance warning only three days after his investigators interviewed Mrs. Clinton in the case is likely to reverberate for the rest of the campaign. Vice President Joe Biden, however, said the upcoming pornographic movie he previewed with Fogle “would be sure to deliver the attention of the American people across the aisle, across the board, and in theatres across the world.”

Monica Lewinsky Donates Blue Dress to Smithsonian

 

lewinsky clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C.—More than two decades have passed since Monica Lewinsky was hired as a White House intern. After fulfilling that position, Lewinsky advanced her way up through the Clinton Administration as an employee of the White House Office of Legislative Affairs. During that time, President Clinton broadly interpreted Lewinsky’s responsibilities in “legislative affairs” to include engaging in executive affairs. Lewinsky gladly accepted, although that position would require her to begin from the ground up.

Lewinsky was delighted to perform all duties that came with the job, both covert and undercover. This led to longer and harder working hours to include evenings and weekends. As a result, the pair developed a personal relationship, although according to Mr. Clinton, he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Clinton was not always an easy boss to work for, having a reputation for blowing his lid from time to time. During these incidents, he would often retire to the restroom in an effort to cool down and prevent from blowing up in the presence of his underling.

After one such incident, however, Clinton managed to leave traces of semen on a blue dress Lewinsky owned. That dress was entered into oral evidence and hard testimony during investigations held by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr and became the focus of media reports and the butt of many jokes.

About a decade after Clinton’s impeachment, the government was forced to return Lewinsky her dress, which she has kept under lock and key in an undisclosed location. But because of the historical significance and magnitude of the article of clothing as it relates to Clinton’s prosecution, Lewinsky has recently agreed to release ownership of the dress to the Smithsonian Institution.

“Ms. Lewinsky feels that donating the dress to the Smithsonian is necessary to preserve an important element of American history,” said Lewinsky’s publicist Jennifer Caldwell.

On last week’s Meet the Press, Chuck Todd grilled Mrs. Clinton about the donation.

“This remains a deeply touchy issue for our family, and to this day I find it very hard to swallow that the Republicans aren’t behind this,” Mrs. Clinton replied.

‘The timing is at the very least suspect,” she said.

Clinton private parts make history – again

 

Clinton-Trump-Sanders-jpg

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Hillary Clinton made history Tuesday after winning California and New Jersey.

“We’ve reached a milestone,” Clinton announced in Brooklyn.

“This means the American people will have the opportunity to put someone in the oval office who sports a bra rather than a tie,” a chuckling Clinton told supporters.

“Our next president will have shaved legs, occasional bikini waxings, and of course a wardrobe chock full of pantsuits,” she said.

Clinton’s Republican opponent was quick to pounce on her remarks.

“It’s disgusting, just disgusting,” Donald Trump said. “Every time the Clintons make history, their private parts are in one way or another involved. During President Bill Clinton’s depositions about his sexual activities with his intern Monica Lewinsky, we learned about distinguishing characteristics relative to the unusual curvature of his penis. Testimonies given by several other women identified a mole on his pole.”

“So the Clintons were the first to make a presidential penis an object of American history,” Trump said.

“And they’re not done yet,” he continued. “In one way or another Hillary Clinton continues to use anatomical references to remind people that she’s a woman. Her underlying message is, ‘I got boobs. I got curves. I have a birth canal. So vote for me.’”

“Disgusting,” he said.

Clinton gained the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the nomination on Monday night. Most media outlets and opinionated pundits prefer to say that she “clinched the nomination” because they want to sound just like each other. It makes them feel accepted and part of a club.

However, news organizations called the race for Hillary Clinton based on support from superdelegates — establishment insiders such as party hacks and elected officials who pledged to vote for her instead of Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders.

Sanders says he believes a number of superdelegates are likely to change their minds due to the major string of recent victories the Senator has enjoyed.

“Clinton cannot win all the states we won, but we can beat Trump in every state we won and those that Clinton won,” Sanders said. “The superdelegates are seeing that it is clear that I am the only candidate that can defeat Trump in November.”

“I am remaining in this race until every last vote is counted,” Sanders said.

“Bernie’s got balls,” Trump said concerning the Vermont Senator’s determination to win over superdelegates.

“Apparently, I’m the only candidate in this race who is not using boobs or genitals for political gain,” he said.

Poll: Dems want Clinton even if arrested

 

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton flips out during a campaign stop in Wilmington, Del. (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton flips out during a campaign stop in Wilmington, Del. (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

A Rasmussen poll  revealed 71 percent of Democratic voters believe Hillary Clinton should continue her presidential run if she is indicted. Only 30 percent of Republicans and 46 percent of independent voters shared the same opinion.

Regardless of her widespread support, a long unpleasant road awaits Clinton. Last week, she was blasted in a State Department Inspector General report about her careless email use.

The report found repeated warnings about cybersecurity were ignored and staffers who expressed concerns were told to, “never speak of the Secretary’s personal email system or her choice of pantsuits.”

Secondly, trusted sources close to the U.S. Justice Department indicate the FBI is set to interrogate Mrs. Clinton within the next few weeks.

When asked about her impending FBI interrogation, Clinton laughed it off.

“I hope Megyn Kelly is the moderator for my debate with the FBI,” she said.

FBI Director James Comey said in response to Clinton’s remark, “I don’t know what ‘debate’ means. We’re conducting an investigation. That’s what we do.”

“No one cares about Hillary’s email,” said Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry was reelected after getting caught smoking crack in bed with a prostitute. How much less will the American people care about Mrs. Clinton’s server?”

The email scandal could still be a huge problem for Clinton’s in November. Forty percent of all voters said they are less likely to vote for Clinton because of it, whether or not she’s arrested.

The White House has kept silent on the issue since Inspector General’s report. Vice President Joe Biden, who suffers from an inability to restrain his thoughts, was quick to comment.

“Anyone who thinks the voters care about Secretary Clinton’s email server has got to be dumber than a municipal cop,” Biden said.

Hillary: Major Announcement

clinton trump

NEW YORK – Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said she is in the final stages of adopting a campaign message.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to announce her message at a press conference before California primary voters hit the polls on June 7.

A recent Rasmussen report revealed the majority of likely General Election voters believe Clinton’s message is two part:

  1. “I’m running for president of the United States.”
  2. “Donald Trump is unfit to be president.”

“I’ve been supporting Hillary because she’s a woman,” said Marsha Rankin of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. “I am so excited to learn what her platform is. No matter what, I’m with her!”

Sources close to the Clinton campaign have hinted Clinton’s message will be threefold, aiming at the following issues.

  1. White Men Can’t Govern – Clinton is a firm believer that women are the stronger gender and that Caucasian men are “sexist, racist, and as seen on TV, stupid.” Clinton points out that her husband was the last white guy to have any sense at all and that he is expected to play an active role in the White House, far away from the interns.
  1. Bill Clinton Isn’t a Liability – Hillary will emphasize that her husband is not the “new Dan Quayle” and is totally capable of measuring curtains, cleaning bathrooms, and making the bed regardless with whom he last spent the night. Hillary will also rebut Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s mantra that she was an enabler to Mr. Clinton’s sexual escapades. “I take offense that Donald Trump calls me an enabler. That rhetoric clearly demonstrates that Trump is sexist as I didn’t need Bill’s help in ruining any bimbo’s life.”
  1. Vote for me and not Trump – Mrs. Clinton plans to send a clear and compelling message that she would make a great president and that Trump would not. “Donald Trump is a sexist, bigot, and LGBT-ahobe and I’m none of those,” she said. “I have proof. The American people just don’t have the stomach for the likes of Trump. I’m likable enough.”

While it’s not clear exactly when Mrs. Clinton will make the announcement, she plans to evade further debates with Senator Sanders in the interim.

Trump Revises Supreme Court Nominee List

 

trump victory signAfter taking heat for the eleven Supreme Court nominees Trump said he is considering to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Antonin Scalia, the billionaire threw out that list and created the following.

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the tub. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy is doing a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring on Bernie is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsberg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsberg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her face sags, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the presumptive Republican nominee could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. Besides, she will be the first sitting justice to be arrested, which would be a fabulous example to America’s children that you can’t run away from trouble. There ain’t no place that far. But if we do it right at the speed of light, there’s a motorcade for my car – caviar!”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has got more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “She’s a freaking know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justices to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour.”

Nancy Pelosi: “Trump won’t be President”

 Pelosi bets Trump won't be elected president

Former Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes she can see the future.

On Kara Swisher’s “Recode” podcast, the California Democrat said, “You know what, it ain’t happening. Donald Trump is not going to be president of the United States. Take it to the bank. I guarantee it.”

Swisher asked Pelosi which bank she would recommend given that a number of financial institutions collapsed during Pelosi’s rule as House Speaker.

“You and I both know those failures were the result of Republican policies and the lack of transgendered bathrooms within banks,” Pelosi said.

Wiping a tear, Pelosi added, “I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard from constituents about being forced to go potty behind ATMs because of this.”

Turning the conversation back to the election, Pelosi said that all Republicans “are either sexists, bigots, or card carrying porn shop patrons.”

“Even before Trump came on the scene Congressional males like Speaker Ryan have long tolerated horrible statements… some of them worse than Donald Trump, without even commenting, because they get votes in conservative districts and backward states like Kentucky,” Pelosi continued.

Swisher asked the former House Speaker if her support for Clinton was based on the fact the candidate is a woman.

“Not at all,” Pelosi said. “You know, rumor has it Elizabeth Warren will be her running mate. Like most people, I have no clue if the senator is male or female. You can’t tell by looking at her. What really matters is that Trump is stopped.”

“You seem to be more anti-Trump than you are pro-Clinton, and I noticed you haven’t endorsed Hillary—why is that?” Swisher asked.

“Trusted sources close to the FBI investigation indicate Mrs. Clinton might be the presumptive arrestee,” she said. “Once she gets Warren on the ticket, however, I can make the endorsement as my bases will be covered.”

Moving from the candidate to the platform, Swisher asked Pelosi which of Mrs. Clinton’s policies she supports.

“I’m not sure—we have to elect Hillary to find out what’s in her policies,” Pelosi said.

Trump scoffed at Pelosi’s predication that he would not be elected.

“I think it’s safe to say the octogenarian’s crystal balls are dragging,” Trump said as he tweeted an insult about Elizabeth Warren while relieving himself behind a New York City ATM.

Hillary: Bill Clinton will serve with me

 

Bill-Hillary-Clinton-725x375

As Senator Bernie Sanders has mounted a serious threat to her candidacy, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said that if she were elected, her husband, former U.S. president Bill Clinton, would have a role in the White House.

During a rally in Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, Clinton announced the role she had in mind, ending speculation that Mr. Clinton would manage White House interns.

“I’m going to put my husband in charge of revitalizing the economy, cause you know he knows how to do it,” Clinton told supporters and hecklers.

Clinton made similar remarks earlier this month in Kentucky, a state where Bill Clinton remains popular among working class inbreds.

“I’ve told my husband he’s got to come out of the retirement closet and be in charge of this because you know he’s got more ideas a minute than anybody I know,” she said, while talking about manufacturing, jobs, and the adult film industry.

Over the course of the campaign, Clinton has repeatedly said she would seek her husband’s advice if she takes office, displaying a sheer lack of confidence in her own abilities.

Last month on ABC’s “The View,” she said, “I hope he’ll have a lot of involvement in starting the economy to really take off.”

View host Whoopi Goldberg asked Clinton if she was implying that President Obama damaged the economy.

“You know, Whoopi, I’m the reason gas prices fell to normal levels and Trump’s the reason they are rising,” Clinton replied. “We just can’t have a white guy in the Oval Office anymore, but we sure can use them as advisers and servants.”

Presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump laughed off Clinton’s announcement.

“Clearly Crooked Hillary is getting nervous as demonstrated by her evoking the ghost of Bill’s way back presidency,” Trump said. “The only job Bill is qualified to hold is Enabler in Chief, and Hillary knows that.”

Former President Bill Clinton could not be reached at press time as he was attending a fundraiser at a strip bar, according to his publicist.

Carole King to Paul Ryan: Stop Using my Lines

 

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Carole King, 70s superstar, performer and author, has warned US House Speaker Paul Ryan, to stop using her lyrics in reference to Donald Trump.

“We shouldn’t just pretend our party is unified when I know it is not,” the Wisconsin Republican said yesterday in an interview.  “We just can’t fake it.”

Carole King joins chorus of objecting musicians

King produced the 70s smash hit song, “It’s Too Late.” The verse she accuses Ryan of lifting says, “Something inside has died and I know that I just can’t fake it.”

“When in the Sam Hill are these stupid Republicans going to stop stealing artists’ work, you know?” a barefooted King said at a press conference outside the Betty Ford Clinic.

King joins a few recent voices against Trump’s use of their work at campaign rallies. Most recently, Aerosmith Lead Singer Steven Tyler penned an essay about copyright courtesy to Donald Trump.

“I’m not trying to make a political statement or saying I support Bernie because he’s my New England homeboy,” Tyler said. “But The Donald’s wife, I have got to say, is twee-diddly-dee-to the zippity zee-dee-lectable!”

The Rolling Stones also asked Trump to discontinue using their music at rallies, but it was unclear at press time if Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are really still alive.

Talks between Trump and party officials slated

Ryan, the nation’s highest-ranking GOP official, who holds the distinction of having the largest-sized ears on Capitol Hill, sent the Republican Party into a tailspin when he said that he was not ready to back Trump.

Trump is scheduled to talk with Ryan and senior House and Senate GOP leaders. It is expected the group will discuss strategies to unify the party, potential vice presidential nominees, and Hillary Clinton’s silly looking pantsuits.

Sources close to Ryan indicate the Speaker plans to grab Trump by the locks to put to rest the question of whether the billionaire sports a toupee.

Ryan said his decision to share his doubts about Trump came out of a “gut impulse.” Ryan later conceded that his impulses are not always right, referencing his decision four years ago to join Gov. Mitt Romney as his vice presidential running mate.

“It’s going to take more than a week to unify this party,” Ryan said citing picnic plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend and his plans to take his family to Disneyland over the summer. Sources close to Ryan’s mother indicate the Speaker is still brokenhearted about his primary loss to Trump and the large slate of Republicans he ran against.

Ryan concluded he hoped the GOP would unite by November to defeat Hillary Clinton.

King does not think the GOP can unite by Election Day.

“It’s too late baby, it’s too late,” King said.

Transgender Lobby: Change White House spouse title to “First Person”

 

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Citing unfairness to their feelings as well as the civil rights of millions of Americans, The National Center for Gender Equality has issued a statement indicating its leadership is a bit miffed that the title for a U.S. President’s spouse remains “First Lady.”

“It’s not fair, it’s just not fair!” said Mara Keisling, Executive Director for the National Center for Transgender Equality. “We believe the title should be ‘First Person’ so the President’s partner is not pinned down to a title, particularly if she or he, or both, like as in ‘we,’ might change gender roles upon occasion or daily like our intern Pat.”

In a sit down interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked if Keisling if the call for changing the title is because she foresees a “First Husband” in the White House after the General Election.

“Well,” Keisling said, pensively rolling her eyes toward the ceiling, tapping her right cheek with her forefinger, “you know, I just wouldn’t be surprised. As a nonprofit 501 (c) (3), we cannot endorse any candidate or anything political like that. But I have to say, and am empowered to say, Hillary is the only candidate who has expressed total support for transgender men, or men pretending to be transgender, to go into public restrooms that little girls and women use.”

Letting out a belly laugh and playfully slapping Cooper on the knee, Keisling said, “Did you like how I used the word empower, Anderson? I just love using that word whenever I interview! It’s really so much of who I am.”

Neither Keisling nor Cooper could be reached at press time to confirm which sex they were during the interview.

The Modern Language Association (MLA) opposes the title change. In a statement, MLA President K. Anthony Appiah said that “First Person” has already been designated as a classification of pronouns, possessive determiners, and verb forms, according to whether they indicate the speaker first person, the addressee second person, or a third party third person.”

Appaiah could not be reached at press time to confirm whether he favored vowels over consonants and to give comment on why he abbreviates his first name.

The National Center for Transgender Equality’s website states, however, that all components of language have a right to equality and should be treated the same and should be permitted to become any form, tense, or part of speech they feel they were truly created to represent.

 

Clinton to laid off coal miner: “Think before you speak!”

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Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton ran into another controversial and potentially damaging roadblock after she was questioned by a laid-off coal worker over her campaign promise that “we’re going to put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business.”

Clinton was attending a rally with Sen. Joe Manchin in Williamson, (D-West Virginia) when she was asked a question by Bo Copley, a laid off coal miner with a pregnant wife, a little boy, and two little girls.

“Ma’am, how you can say you’re going to put a lot of coal miners out of jobs, and then come here and tell us how you’re going to be our friend, because those people out there don’t see you as a friend?” Copley asked. He broke into tears as the chants of the protesters and pancake merchants were heard outside. A towering and physically strong man, Copley said through his tears he could no longer feed his family and was upset that Hillary would harm so many poor children for political gain.

“What I was saying is that the way things are going now, we will continue to lose jobs, because you guys are killing the environment and keep getting gritty nasty coal dust all over the place,” Clinton said sharply with her trademark scowl she typically reserves for Republicans. “Both times when I was here—campaigning for my husband’s candidacy for president and then mine—there was coal dust all over the diners we patronized to show the American people that we are wholesome hometown hookies like ya’ll. But it’s hard to socialize, let alone eat dogs and baked beans when there’s coal stains on the diner’s coffee mugs. Whoopi Goldberg is getting fat, and how did she get a Jewish patronymic anyway? You really need to think before you speak, OK?”

The West Virginian protestors broke out into a chant, “Beans beans are good for your heart, the more you eat them, the more you fart, the more you fart, the better you feel, so eat your beans every meal!”

“OK, OK, speaking of a good heart, if I thought that putting you out of work was in Hillary’s heart, I wouldn’t be sitting here,” Sen. Manchin said. “Besides, I’m sick of hearing about those damn emails.”

“You said it, Senator,” Clinton replied. “You got to remember I may be from Arkansas, Indiana, Pennsylvania, New York, and honey, Virginia may be for lovers, but my heart’s here in West Virginia. This land was made for you and me!”

The crowd rose to a sustained standing ovation, including sincere applause from Copley and other unemployed coalminers.

“Welp, you got me thinking now,” Copley said. “You just may be fit to wear the pantsuit in the White House. I just hope you consider getting a bellybutton ring and a tattoo.”

A blushing Clinton replied, “If I get inked, I’m sure it will say, “I love West Virginia!”

“One final question, ma’am?” Copley asked.

“Panties or cotton bloomers?”

Clinton erupted with her trademark belly laugh that even a majority of Republicans have come to adore, as reported in a recent Al Jazeera poll.

Bill Clinton: “My wife’s life matters—you thugs!”

clinton black lives

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was involved in a heated exchange with Black Lives Matter protesters Thursday at a Hillary Clinton campaign event in Philadelphia where some people say his “true colors” came shining through.

For 15 minutes, Clinton sparred with protesters who were a bit peeved about the 1994 reform bill he signed into law as president that increased prison sentences for gang-related offenses. Black Lives Matter activists claim the bill disproportionately hurt those who work hard trying to make it in a gang.

A visibly agitated Clinton told the protesters that the bill helped crack down on gangs who were killing African-American children.

“Shut your cotton pickin’ mouths!” Clinton admonished. “You know darn well Oprah called me America’s first black president. I talked to a lot of African-American groups. My best friend is black. My son is black. I’m not going to be targeted by you thugs when I have done all I can to help your pathetic butts only to get this ingratitude.”

One protester yelled that “black youth are not super predators” – a reference to a statement Hillary Clinton made as first lady. The former president shot back pointing his finger in a condescending manner.

“I don’t know how you would characterize the gang leaders who got 13-year-old kids hopped up on crack and sent them out onto the streets to murder other African-American children, maybe you thought they were good citizens, you stupid dolt!” Clinton said, his face turning increasingly red. “She didn’t. Y’all a bunch of thugs.”

“You are defending the people who killed the lives you say matter.  Are you smoking crack cocaine or something?  You are defending the people who cause young people to go out and take guns,” Clinton yelled. “Their lives don’t matter a hill of beans to me and they shouldn’t to you. Remember, I was president and you probably don’t even have a job. You need to stop your protesting nonsense and find some decent work. McDonalds is always hiring.”

He also addressed claims by the protesters that the 1996 welfare reform bill increased poverty among African-Americans.

“They say the welfare reform bill increased poverty then why did we have the largest drop in African American poverty in history when I was president?” he asked rhetorically. “If it weren’t for me, you’d be panhandling for your daily bread. So stop your complaining because that dog ain’t gonna hunt no more.”

Sanders: I’ll turn the lights out on Daylight Savings Time

 

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Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders decried Daylight Saving Time after arriving slightly late for a press interview Sunday.

“Even I was thrown off this year—I never saw it coming,” Sanders said. “I guess I didn’t get the memo that it was time to turn the clocks forward.”

Sanders said that he had been mulling the issue over since college, and plans to use the power of the Presidency to end what he calls a ridiculous exercise in time manipulation.

“I’ve yet to meet anybody who says he or she likes getting cheated an hour of sleep every spring,” said Sanders.

Sanders believes he already has sweeping support in making the change.

“Most of my supporters already barely can make it out of bed on time as it is,” said Sanders. “From spoiled millennials who still live with their parents, to pot smoking hippies who need till noon to get moving, or octogenarians with one foot in the grave, most of my supporters, and in fact, many of Mrs. Clinton’s supporters, want to see Daylight Savings Time abolished. As president, I will turn out the lights on this silly ritual.”

In a telephone interview, Mrs. Clinton chuckled at the idea and said she agrees with Sanders.

“I’ll have to admit, I’m feeling ‘the Bern’ on this issue,” she said with that bright-eyed smile even conservatives have come to admire.

Adding a little humor to the mix, she alluded to the extended bathroom break that caused her to return to a debate late in December.

“Lord knows, I need the powder room time after a good night’s sleep,” she quipped.

Clinton then hinted that she would take the measure one step forward and lower the freezing point to twenty degrees Fahrenheit.