Trump to Appoint Clinton as Secretary of Offense

 

Trump’s cabinet will soon include a Secretary of Offense, and the President’s former opponent Hillary Clinton is expected to take the job.

During a weekend news briefing with the White House’s official media outlets, Fox News and Breitbart News Network, Trump announced Clinton is expected to become the latest addition to his administration.

“We are developing a cabinet-level office which will be called the Department of Offense,” Trump announced. “And I believe that Secretary Clinton is the perfect nominee to head up the department.”

“This bipartisan effort will ensure that no American will suffer undue offense,” Trump said. “While my predecessor’s administration was drunk with political correctness, there in fact exists a point of decency to which every American is due. Please notice my play on the words undue and due. That is pretty clever. I thought of it myself without the help of my handlers.”

Mr. Trump said that the key to ensuring no Americans suffer undue offense is to put in place a governmental unit that will be offended on behalf of cultures, subcultures, and individuals, particularly those who are not offended to begin with.

“Hillary has a gift of knowing for whom she needs to be offended and how to make those folks realize they should be offended,” Trump said.

“I’m pleased to announce that Mrs. Clinton has accepted my personal offer to name her as Secretary of Offense,” Trump added.

When asked why Mrs. Clinton was not present for the announcement, Trump pointed out that he is following protocol he developed jointly with Mrs. Clinton on election night.

“As you recall, I announced Hillary’s concession when I beat her pantsuit off on election night,” Trump said. “I am her de facto spokesperson in such matters.”

Mrs. Clinton confirmed in a press release that she was offered the position and that she intends to make an acceptance speech from the White House Rose Garden on Good Friday.

“However, I would prefer to call Good Friday a ‘holiday’ so that nobody gets offended,” Clinton clarified.

A poll of non-Christians indicated they could not care less whether Clinton, Trump or Rod Stewart used the term “Good Friday.”

Clinton said that her first act as Secretary of Offense would be to apologize to all Americans who do not enjoy the benefits of ‘white privilege.’

“When given a high honor such as being named Secretary of Offense, you have a responsibility to make tough decisions that won’t please everyone,” Clinton said. “So, you have to be willing to offend some to ensure others who are not offended do not become offended, because if that happens, those who become offended may act out their offences and in turn could offend somebody who would otherwise never offend anybody, which would be quite patently offensive to everybody with a sense of decency relative to sensitive matters that could be deemed offensive to some.”

Sources on Capitol Hill indicate Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell intends to hold hearings to determine “what in the Sam Hill that wing-nut Clinton is talking about” before scheduling confirmation hearings.

Melania Trump Withdraws First Lady Nomination

President Trump’s nominee for First Lady, Melania Trump, withdrew from consideration Wednesday amid growing resistance from a national women’s group that finds beauty patently offensive.

The collapse of Melania’s nomination threw the White House into further turmoil just days after the resignation of Trump’s national security adviser, Michael Flynn. ­Flynn had is alleged to have spoken with the Russian ambassador last year about lifting U.S. sanctions and the latest deals at an American men’s clothier, Jos. A Bank.

Although Melania is technically President Trump’s wife, she has not yet been confirmed as First Lady by the Senate. Democrats had stalled the nomination process reportedly to allow Minority Chairman Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to complete his review of semi-pornographic photos featuring Mrs. Trump.

A statement from Mrs. Trump indicated “growing impatience with the Democratic Party’s intolerance toward women of decency who refuse to parade about in hats shaped like oversized female genitalia.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) shot back, “Mrs. Trump’s pompous disregard for and acceptance of American miscreants of all kinds has no place in today’s society.”

Warren, who said she was speaking both as both a female and a male, asserted that “Melania is totally unqualified to serve as the First Lady of the United States,” and suggested that “President Trump should provide the same level of thorough vetting for candidates for the Office of First Lady as he would for those of certain foreign zip codes who wish to migrate to America.”

President Trump took to twitter to respond to Senator Warren, tweeting that, “Big Chief Pocahontas must be smoke ’em the funny stuff peace pipe again. Sad.”

Warren and Trump have long been engaged in Twitter wars since the 2016 presidential campaign. Word in the Capitol has it that Warren’s mission in engaging with Trump was to deliver messages deemed by the DNC as too nasty for Candidate Hillary Clinton to articulate.

Not all Washington insiders agree with that assessment, however. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is rumored to have commented that “Warren and Trump’s Twitter wars have given the two a valve through which they can vent the angst of unrequited love and primal desire they have for each other.”

Brokaw on Millennials: Dumbest Generation

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In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

  • Water comes from bottles
  • Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art
  • People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects
  • The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future 

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

Clinton: Trump Will Be A Great President

Former Opponent Says Trump Won Election "Fair and Square"

Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”

“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”

“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”

Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.

“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”

“You don’t say,” Cooper said.

“I do say,” Clinton said.

“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”

Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.

“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.

“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”

“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”

“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”

Clinton: I still Menstruate

Former Presidential Candidate Hints "It's Not Over 'Til It's Over"

Clinton announces she still menstruates

Former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has a message for Americans: “I still menstruate.”

“It’s like clockwork, every 28 days on the button and usually lasts four or five days,” Clinton told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “And Lord help Trump if it happens during his inauguration. I’ll scratch his eyes out.”

“Can’t we talk about something else?” Cooper asked, wincing.

“Anderson, as an openly and boisterously gay man, one would think you would be more sensitive to issues females endure,” Clinton said.

“It’s not that I am insensitive. The topic is just a painful reminder that I was born with boy parts when inside I’m a lady,” Cooper replied, apparently holding back tears. “But enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. Why the topic of menstruation?”

“Trump and the Russians have painted me in every conceivable negative way, even going so far as to calling me ‘Granny Clinton,’” Clinton said. “This was a purposeful attack to cause a schism between me and a younger generation of voters as it implies I no longer menstruate.”

“Well, the fact is, I still get my period. I still have mood swings as a result. Sometimes it comes on like a flood without warning. A prime example would be when I returned to one of the Democratic debates later than my male counterparts. I understand the challenges of being a professional lady aiming to break glass ceilings while trying to balance tampons and talking points,” Clinton said.

“So at the end of the day, it’s all about equality,” Clinton continued. “Though I did not win the presidency,  I will continue to fight for women to enjoy equal pay. That includes paid time off due to nasty menstrual cramps. Women have been exploited long enough, having to make up excuses when nature knocks. Well, I say enough is enough. We are going to put this issue to bed.”

“Speaking of bed and your ability to maintain youthful functions, will there perhaps be a baby Clinton crawling around now that you and Bill have been spending quality time alone in the romantic woodlands of Chappaqua?” Cooper asked.

“Not on my end. I’m done having babies although I cannot speak for Bill,” Clinton said.

“Hillary, one of the most shocking things about your loss is that younger women did not come out for you as expected,” Cooper said. “Analysts point out that you failed to connect not only with millennial women, but you also did not connect with suburban soccer moms. So could the reason that you are opening up about the fact that you still menstruate have anything to do with plans to run again in 2020?”

“You know, Anderson, I did win the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes,” Clinton said. “I’m not ruling anything out. But whatever I decide to do, I want American women to know that no matter what, I’m staying in this fight for them.”

“Not only would I bleed for them, I will bleed with them,” Clinton said.

Déjà Vu: It’s Those Damned Emails Again

Clinton Spotted Deleting Post-Election Emails

Earlier this month, Hillary Clinton was spotted alone at breakfast in upstate New York, clutching her phone with two hands, sad eyes gazing at its screen.

Sad eyes, turn the other way
I don’t want to see you cry
Sad eyes, you knew there’d come a day
When we would have to say “goodbye”

Minutes after the photo was tweeted, armchair psychologists across the U.S. determined how she was feeling (forlorn, obviously). After all, anyone who’s seen a friend go through a bad breakup knows the look well.

Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we, could we?

In addition to deleting batches of emails that piled up over the election, Hillary has soothed her spirit through a more wholesome, time-honored practice among carpet-bagging New Yorkers: a slow stroll in the woods. What better way to numb the pain caused by recent disappointments than hiking alongside eager picture-posting fans and a husband who happened to occupy the very position you lost?

And though the election was lost, recovery was bittersweet. A young mom and her baby had the opportunity to be photographed with the first woman to lose a presidential election. A grieving candidate was comforted knowing that those who voted for her were still with her. And of course, Bill being who he is, savored the moments of snapping photos of a hot young mom in yoga pants.

Lean on me, when you’re not strong, And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on …For it won’t be long… ‘Til I’m gonna need Somebody to lean on…

Trump Considers Supreme Court Nominees

President Elect Narrows Short List to Replace Scalia

Earlier this month, President-elect Donald Trump announced he would consider nominating Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court of the United States.

After receiving harsh rebukes from many within his own circle, Trump has removed Mrs. Obama from the list.

Now, with most of his cabinet appointees named, President-Elect Donald Trump has gotten to work in filling the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by Justice Anton Scalia’s death last summer.

“I’ve reviewed hundreds of highly qualified candidates since Justice Scalia’s passing,” President-elect Trump said. “We’ve whittled down to a shortlist of people who we believe will add balance to the court at least until some other aging justice keels over.”

Trump announced the following candidates as potential nominees: 

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the toilet. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy did a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring Bernie on is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsburg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsburg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her lips deflate, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left-handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left-handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me when I was running for president. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the President-elect could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. She has demonstrated excellent knowledge of how the judicial system works and knows if important facts matter anyway.”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has had more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution through one of his many Executive Orders. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “The broad’s a know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justice to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour. Most of all, not only does she have great foresight, Megyn’s got back.”

Republicans Riot over Trump’s Appointee

republican protestsrp

President-elect Donald Trump announced Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), will be his chief of staff.

“Dammit to hell!” Walter Hitchcock, a Pennsylvania-based Trump supporter said at a recent press conference. “We elected Trump because we hate Hillary’s guts and because we’re sick of the establishment. Reince is totally emblematic of the establishment. He hung out with the Bush family and Senator Lindsey Graham. Probably also hung out in a few fag bars, if you know what I mean. Just look at the guy.”

“Might as well call him ‘Reince the gay prince’ if you ask me,” Hitchcock added, spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.

Hitchcock and other middle-class Republicans took to suburban housing developments and upscale shopping centers in sometimes violent riots. In Hitchcock’s hometown of Wyomissing, PA, rioters smashed windows at a local mall complex, vandalized cars in the parking lot, and threw Starbucks latte cups at police.

“Many of us feel disenfranchised and betrayed,” Bob Watson, Grand Dragon of the North Carolina-based Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and owner of a national brokerage firm said. “It is inconceivable that our President-elect would yield to the establishment, appointing one of their own to the highest post in his administration. What’s next, Governor Christie for Attorney General?”

CEOs in corporate campuses throughout the United States are providing safe spaces complete with puppies and coloring books for executives who are mourning the appointment.

To date, neither President Obama nor President-elect Trump have stepped forward to ask Republicans to stop the violence and to protest peacefully.

 

You’re not a Sissy for Crying over Hillary’s Loss

College campuses across the US are setting up “Safe Cry Zones” and bringing in therapy puppies for students and professors who are devasted that Hillary lost and Donald won. We here at RealClear Satire want you to know that it’s OK to cry. You’re not a sissy!

“Dumped on Prom Night” Hillary’s election night meltdown

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton’s night on the 9th of November went from a celebration to an absolute meltdown once the election unexpectedly turned on her, leaving Trump as the victor. Some of the remnants of Hillary Clinton’s rampage in the private VIP area was discovered by the hotel custodial staff the day following the election.

Hillary Clinton’s post-election celebration plans included hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of fireworks, live performances by various celebrities, such as Cher, who came believing that Hillary was going to win the election, a five-hundred-thousand-dollar special effect glass ceiling that she would break through in a dramatic display once she walked out on stage at her H.Q., among millions of dollars worth of other celebratory preparations, all paid for by the Clinton Foundation in full.

The most notable damage was located deep in the VIP room of the Clinton camp. A custom 150-inch ultra HD TV, a gift from the Saudi Arabian government, was found with a broken screen. The damage was caused by a $950,000 bottle of champagne that was believed to have been thrown at the screen by the former presidential candidate some time during the election.

Early in the morning, the custodial staff were greeted by flipped-over tables as the floors were covered with expensive food, drinks, and appetizers. Broken champagne flutes and gilded silverware were also seen scattered around the would-be party room.

The most telling sign of a massive meltdown was the cake. The pastry that had once proudly displayed the presidential seal, was violently flung against the walls in chunks. A broken topper from the cake in the shape of the white house was discovered lodged firmly into the drywall near the dessert table.

Clinton’s splurge on party supplies was merely an echo of all the left-leaning polls and hype that “confirmed” Hillary Clinton’s indubitable win. Misled by just about every prediction, Hillary Clinton personally planned one big party for her assumed victory. Once it became clear that it would not be Clinton’s night, however, the mood of the party soured rapidly.

A former staffer, who was fired during the rampage, said that the atmosphere around Clinton went from “queen of the hour” to “the girl who was dumped on prom night” in only a few moments.

School That Always Picks Loser Chooses Clinton as Winner

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SELLERSVILLE, PA — Every four years over the past three decades, students at Sellersville Elementary School in Sellersville, PA have held schoolwide mock presidential elections. And, in each election, the candidate whom the school picked as the winner went on to lose in the U.S. elections.

This week, Sellersville Elementary has elected Hillary Clinton as the next U.S president.

“We are proud of our mock presidential elections record regardless of the outcome,” Second-Grade Teacher Mrs. Hughes said. “Although we haven’t always gotten it right, we try harder than those who actually are able to vote. That’s what really matters.”

Hughes says that because of the various anomalies involved in this year’s race between Mrs. Clinton and Donald Trump, she believes her school has accurately predicted the outcome.

“Polling from both our first grade and second-grade classes has consistently shown Mrs. Clinton ahead by wide margins. During the polling process, students asked lunch ladies, crossing guards, and siblings various questions to determine what most people are thinking. We are confident their answers reveal the mood of the electorate.”

Sellersville Elementary is part of the Pennridge School District. The district represents a 98 percent caucasian population with 95 percent of households having incomes exceeding $80,000 per year.

Mrs. Hughes confirmed during a press conference that no tax dollars were used to fund the school’s mock presidential elections.

Clinton: “I’ll Scratch Comey’s Eyes Out!”

clinton_comey

FORT MEYERS, FL — FBI Director James Comey’s letter to Congress regarding an unexpected development in his agency’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s email server has set off a firestorm in the Clinton campaign.

And, with just days to go, Mrs. Clinton is sparing no words.

“Republican Comey thinks his sensationalism and inferences can mobilize undecided inbreds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like to vote for Trump, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough as Comey and his buddy Trump,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a Florida rally.

“I’ll scratch Comey’s eyes out faster than Trump’s wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Comey.

“You know, Anderson, Comey started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch out Comey’s eyes.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“If she’s elected, she’ll take down the second amendment,” Trump said, checking a laminated U.S. Constitution cheat sheet to ensure he referenced the correct amendment. By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Trump added.

 

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting too old for this crap.”

Bill Clinton: “No Fat Shaming and no Interns for me”

fat shaming and clinton women

Politics makes strange bedfellows – but it doesn’t get any stranger than a multigenerational threesome.

Hillary Clinton would like to put her husband’s infidelities behind her. But, allegations of Donald Trump’s fat shaming former beauty contestants have made bringing Monica Lewinsky out of the bedroom closet a matter of political convenience.

“My husband never discriminated against women of any shape, size, or sexual stamina,” Clinton said, enunciating in mockery, staaaaa-naaaah-maaah. “A mirror over our bed is the only glass ceiling Bill supports. But that mirror exists to promote, not demean women.”

“Bill will be too busy making America great again to be bimbo bouncing when I’m president,” Mrs. Clinton said.

Mrs. Clinton’s remarks come on the heels of her husband signing a pledge to tell her no lies and keep his hands to himself, fat shaming or not.

Bill Clinton has vowed a “hands-off-the-interns policy” in a Madame Clinton White House.

“I will not have sexual relations with those women,” Clinton said in a recent interview with Playboy Magazine. “Nor will I engage in any activity others might attempt to define as a sex act.”

A Playboy bunny bent over in front of Clinton to refill his teacup as he made the statement. His eyes bulged as he locked his gaze below her neck.

“Let’s clarify a key point because Republicans will be hanging on my every word in order to ‘get me’ once I become First Lady,” Clinton said. “I was elected president a quarter century ago. Back yonder, I was a young pup. I have since moved on to admiring women in their 40s including a few postmenopausal mommas.”

“Back then I did the Tube Steak Boogie, but I’m now into prime rib,” the former president said.

The interviewer pointed out to Clinton that he referred to himself as the eventual “First Lady” and suggested he meant “First Gentleman.”

“Who the hell you calling a gentleman?” Clinton exclaimed lunging at the interviewer in an attempt to grab him by the neck.

Realizing what he had done, Clinton calmly sat back down and gently apologized.

“Hillary and I support the LGBT movement even though we opposed those queers when I was president,” he said. “So we decided in honor of the transgenders across this great nation, I will assume the title of First Lady. But I did not engage in fat shaming then, nor will I now.”

“You know what that means, right?” Clinton snickered.

“It means I get to use any ole bathroom I please, just like they do at Target,” he said. “So when I’m at some fancy hotel and I see a cutie with that ‘come hither’ look about her go into the ladies room, I’m following after her!”

After the interview concluded, Clinton autographed several Playboy bunnies’ breasts, leaving nonchalantly with one bunny while humming Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator.”

Going down…” he sang to himself as the doors closed.

Clinton Banks on LGBT Currency

Americans will soon be able to withdrawal gay dollars at ATMs.

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton plans to continue her predecessor’s move to change the face of money.

Clinton announced during a recent campaign rally that she will put the final stamp of “all-inclusiveness” into American currency.

“If I am fortunate to be elected president, and I don’t see how I won’t be, I am going ask Treasury Secretary Lew to inscribe pioneers of the LGBT community both on dollars and coinage,” Clinton said.

Clinton granted CNN’s Anderson Cooper an exclusive interview about her proposal after the rally.

“As an openly gay man, I’m delighted that you intend to represent my community,” Cooper said, as he wiped a tear with his shirt cuff. “Which denominations you have in mind?”

“Well, Anderson, all my life I have heard homophobic members of Trump’s basket of deplorables refer to gays as ‘queerer than a three dollar bill,’’ Clinton said. “So my first target is to kill this insult by establishing a three dollar bill featuring a gay man.”

“I’m also targeting Ben Franklin, on the one hundred dollar bill,” she continued. “He reminds me too much of Trump: a fat philanderer who thinks he knows it all.”

“And on coinage?” Cooper asked.

“Washington,” Clinton said. “We don’t need him on the one-dollar bill and the quarter. “So since we can’t change the fact that he was the first president, we’ll leave him on the dollar, and scrap him on the quarter.”

When asked about candidates from the LGBT community she would like to put on coins, Clinton said she’s narrowing down to a short list.

“I am considering Robert Reed, the great gay man who portrayed Mike Brady,” Clinton said. “It just doesn’t get more American than the Brady bunch, now that the Cosby show can no longer be a consideration.”

“Your husband Bill might disagree with you on that point,” Cooper said. “So who ranks at the top of your list for lesbians?”

“Without question, Lizzie Borden,” Clinton replied. “Not only was she accused of heinous crimes she did not commit—something I can personally relate to—she was a lesbian at a time when women’s suffrage was getting its legs.”

“And Lizzie rhymes with lezzie, so what a fit is that?” Clinton said, squawking out a high-pitched bout of laughter.

“What an honor for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I know it would mean so much to my mom if I were nominated for gay currency.”

“Well, Anderson, one must be deceased before he or she can be inscribed on currency,” Clinton said. “You’d have to be a reporter for Fox News to be eligible during my presidency.”

 

BREAKING NEWS: Clinton Denied Coughing Breaks at Debate

No coughing fit breaks for clinton

Clinton will have to power though coughing fits  during the debate. She has been granted use of a special podium to compensate for her size.

Coughing breaks, steps stools, and timeouts are among the list of rules for the first presidential debate on Monday night.

The Presidential Debate Commission this weekend finalized its List of Debate Rules, Decorum, and Formality (the List) for the debate. The List is required by the Presidential Debate Rules of Procedure which Congress adopted in 1861 to codify debates after the infamous and hostile Lincoln and Douglas Debates. The List is made exclusively by the Presidential Debate Commission without input from the candidates.

The commission denied Clinton’s request to use a step stool to compensate for her smallness in stature. Clinton is a small but mighty 5’4″. Mighty as she may be, her campaign is concerned she could be “dwarfed” by Donald Trump, who stands 6’2″ tall. However, the commission did approve a custom-made podium, which will accommodate the difference in stature.

More than 100 million people are expected to watch the first presidential debate between Clinton and Donald J. Trump, which will be held at Hofstra University in Long Island, New York. The debate rules state that Clinton will have to “power through” any coughing fit, feinting spells, or other medical crisis should such events occur. The commission reasoned that the candidates are vying to be commander-in-chief of the armed forces and therefore should sustain their shortcomings as a leader should. Clinton’s special podium request was granted in deference to Napoleon as the 5’7″ leader nearly conquered the world.

Clinton Campaign Manager and Gay Right’s Activist and Robby Mook said his candidate is prepared to prevail over Trump Monday.

“Hillary has been taking frequent naps and getting full night’s sleep so she is well rested and ready to go,” said Mook. “Trump has been running around battleground states like a fool, burning himself out. This is going to be a victory of the turtle versus the hare. Regardless of her age, Hillary still has youthful energy and poise. And if you could see her without her pantsuits, you would agree, the lady has still got it. Even as a gay man, I can tell she’s hotter than a summer night in the Sahara.”

Lester Holt, anchor of NBC’s “Nightly News” will moderate the first debate.

Trump said he’s pleased with the List and looks forward to the debates.

“Hillary needs more than the special podium as she comes up short in more than just her lack of height,” Trump said. “Her policies are short, her message is short, and her vision for America is short. Plus, she started the birther movement and I finished it.”

VP Hopeful Tim Kaine Can’t Spell

VP Hopeful Tim Kaine tops off an embarrassing week for the Clinton campaign with a spelling bee gaffe

Democratic Vice Presidential Candidate Tim Kaine sometimes requires a kind and tactful audience. He is, after all, the man who addressed the United Negro College Fund and transformed its slogan — “a mind is a terrible thing to waste” — into “what a waste it is to lose one’s mind.” Mr. Kaine thus owes a debt to a 12-year-old student who displayed an initial talent for diplomacy when the Vice Presidential candidate called on his school last week.

William Figueroa is a student at Rivera Elementary School in Trenton, N.J. On a campaign stop while Hillary Clinton took time off to practice for Monday’s debate, Kaine visited William’s class and conducted a spelling bee. The boy, as nervous, presumably, as any 12-year-old would be in that situation, was asked to go to the blackboard and spell the word “potato.” Which he did. Correctly.

Mr. Kaine, however, didn’t see it that way. He glanced at a cue card, which spelled the word “potatoe.” At the Vice Presidential Candidate’s urging, William added the erroneous e .

“I knew he was wrong, really,” the boy explained later. “He’s trying to get the Vice President job and I couldn’t argue with him with all the people there.”

Clearly, William Figueroa was thinking quickly. and for himself. Whereas Mr. Kaine, who had just shown the children how to use “President” in a sentence (“The President always tells the Vice President what to do”), was depending on a script.

Unscripted, Kaine often flounders. Even scripted, he suffers frequent embarrassment. With two r’s.