Trump to Buy Black Lives Matter

Trump Buys Black Lives MFFE

NEW YORK – Trump Industries announced it has entered into an Agreement of Sale to purchase the controversial activist group Black Lives Matter.

“This is huge, I tell you,” Trump said. “While the media and Crooked Hillary are trying to put out leaked email fires, we’re connecting with African Americans, because that’s what we do every day.”

Trump said his heart melted when he saw the group’s “ragtag website.”

“The first thing we are going to do is build them a real website and we’re going to make Mexico pay for it,” said Trump. “It will be one of those sites that make you want to come back for more. You’ll be able to watch up-to-date videos of protests and all kinds of stuff on it. Everyone’s going to love it.”

Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump’s daughter, will serve as Black Lives Matter CEO.

“I am honored in my own way, and my own sheer force of will to sacrifice greatly to enter the Black Lives Matter thing as an outsider,” Ivanka told reporters. “For more than a year, Donald Trump has been the people’s champion. And now he’s become the champion of all people regardless of color. I am proud to join my father in this endeavor.”

Ivanka Trump’s responsibilities include raising money at various yacht clubs and other posh establishments throughout the country from “white people with means who want to help.”

“Like many of my fellow millennials, I do not consider myself categorically black or white,” Ivanka continued. “I just know I am an American and from what I read in college, so are other races.”

“That girl, she is something, isn’t she?” Trump remarked. “We, Ivanka, Black Lives Matter, everybody who is with us, we are going to make America great again. Crooked Hillary, however, is doing nothing for that race except shoot fire from her mouth like a dragon. We are putting our skin in the game.”

Pointing to Clinton and her husband’s former membership at an all-white country club, Trump said he has always “given blacks all kinds of jobs.”

“While she and Bill were golfing at a restricted country club, I was giving African Americans all kinds of work in my resorts,” Trump said. “You name it, from busboy, to dishwasher, to bellhop, we kept bringing them in. All this while Hill and Bill were hopping about the all-white golf course with Muff and Uncle Biff.

“Sad. Sad,” he added, shaking his head in disgust.

 

Business Asks Community to Give Back

give back

Allentown, Pennsylvania—Questpro Manufacturing, a leading producer of ball bearings, small gearboxes, and machine lubricants, is calling upon the community to give back—to Questpro.

During a press conference this morning, Questpro CEO Ruth Raffensperger said, “We are asking Allentown’s citizens, nonprofits, and little league teams to cough it up and give back to our business, effective immediately.”

Raffensperger indicated that Questpro’s board of directors concluded that the community has taken more than its fair share from the manufacturer in the form of wages, taxes, and direct donations.

“We often hear the mantra that businesses should give back to the community,” Raffensperger said. “However, our research reveals that the community has for decades taken from businesses such as ours, not the other way around.”

“The truth is we haven’t taken a single thing that would generate any obligation on our part,” she said. “To indicate otherwise would amount to nothing more than unmitigated poppycock!”

Stopping short of calling the community “a bunch of freeloaders,” Raffensperger said, “We’ve all heard the proverb that it is better to give than to receive, but this community clearly does not subscribe to that theology.”

Questpro is in the process of retaining a law firm to ensure that all necessary legal measures are employed in order to get back every penny taken by the community—with interest. However, in the spirit of remaining a good corporate neighbor, the manufacturer is offering a ninety-day amnesty program.

“During this time, community members who come forward will be forgiven accrued interest and penalties, and can apply for a 12 month payment program,” Raffensperger said. “Those who fail to pony up are going to find out this lady ain’t joking around.”

Questpro’s website urges community members to check with their accountants to determine if their give-backs may be tax deductible.