Clinton to Host “Afro-Centric” Picnics

Clinton Plans African American Picnics

Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton announced she will host “Afro-Centric Picnics” throughout September. The announcement follows a New York Times report entitled “Young Blacks Voice Skepticism on Hillary Clinton, Worrying Democrats.”

“Trump is trying to make voters believe he’s gaining ground with African Americans,” Clinton said. “As Toni Morrison said, my husband was America’s first black president. It was Bill’s groundwork that enabled Barrack Obama, a young first-term senator to be elected president. The African American community remains thankful and loyal to Bill for being their first president. And they are prepared to express that gratitude by voting for me in droves on November 8.”

Another indicator that Clinton is losing momentum among African American voters is a series of articles by left leaning political analysts that her post-convention bounce has flattened. For example, RealClearPolitics.com recently ran an article penned by Nate Silver, political analyst and founder of 538.com, entitled “As Race Tightens, Don’t Assume Electoral College Saves Clinton.” The article says Clinton no longer has a clear path to the White House through traditional battleground states. Silver is renowned for his accuracy in predicting the outcomes of a number of major elections. After successfully calling the outcomes in 49 of the 50 states in the 2008 U.S. Presidential election, Silver was named one of The World’s 100 Most Influential People by Time. Although he relies on statistics to call the races he analyzes, Silver clearly leans far left.

Silver said social media has made polls unreliable as “an ungodly number of voters form opinions on headlines alone.”  He pointed to a recent article about Trump hosting such picnics. The article’s headline caused a huge uproar.

“People jumped to conclusions and posted outrageous comments simply over the headline,” Silver said. “Had they taken the time to read at least the first few paragraphs, they would have quickly discerned that the article was satire. Instead, they forwarded the piece through their social media accounts causing a proliferation of confusion and strife.”

“Such nonsensical behaviors cannot be factored into polls’ margins of errors, often leaving us with terribly skewed data,” Silver added. “This issue is so huge, Trump could be heading toward a landslide victory come November for all we know. Or Nate Silver, for that matter.”

Silver predicted that a similar number of people will fly off the handle over this satirical piece you are now reading as they did on the article on Trump. He added that if you actually read through this article to its finish, “you should be given the right to vote multiple times on Nov. 8.”

Trump to Host “Afro-Centric” Picnics

Trump Afro Centric outreach continus

Trump will host Afro-centric picnics as his popularity among African Americans continues to climb after Milwaukee Address

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump announced he will hold “Afro-Centric Picnics” throughout the country in September beginning Labor Day Weekend. The announcement follows on the heels of his successful speech addressing African Americans in Milwaukee.

“Crooked Hillary would like you to think she’s got the black vote wrapped up,” Trump said. “That is another Clintonian lie, I tell you. We are seeing significant gains among that crowd.”

Trump pointed toward his lifelong New York citizenship as the basis of his bond with the African American community.

“There were tons of black people in New York where I grew up, and I learned to like them early on,” Trump said. “And over the years, I employed countless African Americans giving them fantastic jobs at my resorts. While everyone else was hiring illegal Mexican immigrants, we were putting black folks to work.”

Trump said his intention in hosting Afro-Centric picnics was to break the growing black and white divide created by the Obama Administration over the past eight years. He added that food is the most powerful tool to tear down cultural walls.

“I am no stranger to hog-maws and chitlins, believe me,” Trump said. “Soul food is in my DNA. These picnics are going to be huge.”

“The media won’t cover the picnics, like they did with Obama’s so-called beer summit where he pretended to like white cops,” Trump continued. “But that’s not going to stop us from bonding over food and celebrating what unites us.”

Internet superstars Diamond and Silk will provide entertainment at the Afro-Centric picnics.

“These ladies are lovely,” said Trump. “They’ve been with us from the beginning and have consistently remained African Americans the whole time.”

A press release from the Trump campaign said that events will also include Get Out The Vote (GOTV) workshops. Participants will learn skills such as hosting inner city Trump barbecues, spamming Clinton’s social media venues, and how to vote for Trump in multiple precincts in states that lack voter ID laws.

Editor’s note: This story first ran on NationalReport.net – Americas #1 independent news site. 

CNN Won’t Endorse Trump

CNN Trump

CNN President Jeff Zucker announced the Cable News Network will not endorse Donald Trump for U.S. President.

Zucker stopped short of indicating whether CNN will endorse Hillary Clinton.

The news came as a surprise to CNN insiders, political analysts, and viewers.

“I am disappointed in our decision not to endorse Trump,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said. “I met a lot of gay men at the Republican Convention and had a few wild nights back at the hotel as a result. That would never have happened if one of the establishment Republicans The Donald wiped out were the nominee.”

“Most of all, I was deeply moved when Trump addressed the LGBTQ community,” Cooper continued. “And to be honest, I wept with joy when PayPal founder Peter Thiel spoke. I wouldn’t do him personally, but I was moved to see a flaming homosexual at the podium put another crack in the pink ceiling.”

Trump himself seemed taken back by the announcement.

“Here we go again, more media corruption from the top,” Trump said. “But what the hell does their endorsement mean when they give me all the coverage I want? I could moon someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and CNN would still cover me.”

CNN veteran Wolf Blitzer was also stunned at the announcement.

“Donald is a decent man regardless of how I spin my work against him,” Blitzer said. “He has never made fun of my hideous eyeglasses, and I get a kick out of his grandchildren playing with my beard.”

A response from the Clinton campaign revealed jubilance.

“Knowing CNN will not endorse Trump is, in his own words, ‘huge’,” the statement from the campaign said. “We believe this will result in fairer and balanced coverage, which will be advantageous in helping people see Mrs. Clinton in a more positive light. She’s really not a bad person, all things considered.”

Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly said he believes CNN never intended to endorse Trump. Zucker declined an invitation to discuss the issue on the O’Reilly Factor.

“It’s nothing political, I just can’t stand Irish skirt chasers,” Zucker’s rejection letter said.

O’Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment.

“A guy my age has no time for one-liners and the motions of courtship,” O’Reilly said. “Zucker can take his Grey Poupon and shove it up his you-know-what.”

Clinton to Mormons: Trump is a Satanic Evangelical

Utah may decide who wins the White House

Utah may decide who wins the White House

Utah’s Mormons could determine who wins the White House, and Hillary Clinton has taken notice.

In an opinion piece, Clinton referred to Mitt Romney as the Mormons’ “spiritual mentor.” She suggested Mormons should follow his example and reject Donald Trump’s campaign of “satanic and sadistic values.”

“Trump’s status as a bigoted evangelical Christian is troubling,” Clinton said. “There is no question that if he is elected president, Utah will become a Mormon concentration camp.”

Clinton also pointed out she is the best candidate because of her record of keeping Jews from getting elected.

“I kept Bernie Sanders out of the White House,” Clinton said. “This is important because Jews reject Mormonism. For example, they do not choose Utah as a vacation destination point. I find that grossly offensive and intolerable.”

Clinton also lauded her record of tolerance for “faiths that aren’t hung up on a fictional saviors, shepherds and sheep.”

“Religious freedom defines us as a nation,” Clinton said. “Tales of a guy hanging on a cross who pops back to life in time for Sunday brunch, however don’t.”

Clinton called for reform that will “bring families and the LGBT community out of the shadows and keep children, priests, and parents together.” She also gave mention to her other family-focused issues. These include paternity leave for fathers who are tired of working and the right for Mormons to urinate in public.

During an interview on Salt Lake City’s K-Talk, Clinton was asked how she could call herself religiously tolerant given Bill Clinton killed scores of children when he ordered the demise of the Branch Davidian Compound in Waco, Texas in 1993.

Clinton asked the producer to cut to a commercial break as she needed “a bio break.” She reportedly failed to return to the studio after finishing her business in the lady’s room.

Clinton Birther Fury: “I’ll Scratch Trump’s Eyes Out!”

Clinton Threatens to Scratch out Trump's Eyes

PERTH AMBOY, NJ — Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently accused Hillary Clinton of starting the “birther” rumor that says Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

“Clinton started the birther movement and I ended it,” Trump told reporters.

Clinton quickly pounced on Trump’s remarks with unbridled fury.

“Trump thinks his birther lies can mobilize inbreeds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a New Jersey rally.

“I’ll scratch his eyes out faster than his wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Trump.

“You know, Anderson, Donald started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch his eyes out.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Tump added.

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting to old for this crap.”

Trump to Buy Black Lives Matter

Trump Buys Black Lives MFFE

NEW YORK – Trump Industries announced it has entered into an Agreement of Sale to purchase the controversial activist group Black Lives Matter.

“This is huge, I tell you,” Trump said. “While the media and Crooked Hillary are trying to put out leaked email fires, we’re connecting with African Americans, because that’s what we do every day.”

Trump said his heart melted when he saw the group’s “ragtag website.”

“The first thing we are going to do is build them a real website and we’re going to make Mexico pay for it,” said Trump. “It will be one of those sites that make you want to come back for more. You’ll be able to watch up-to-date videos of protests and all kinds of stuff on it. Everyone’s going to love it.”

Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump’s daughter, will serve as Black Lives Matter CEO.

“I am honored in my own way, and my own sheer force of will to sacrifice greatly to enter the Black Lives Matter thing as an outsider,” Ivanka told reporters. “For more than a year, Donald Trump has been the people’s champion. And now he’s become the champion of all people regardless of color. I am proud to join my father in this endeavor.”

Ivanka Trump’s responsibilities include raising money at various yacht clubs and other posh establishments throughout the country from “white people with means who want to help.”

“Like many of my fellow millennials, I do not consider myself categorically black or white,” Ivanka continued. “I just know I am an American and from what I read in college, so are other races.”

“That girl, she is something, isn’t she?” Trump remarked. “We, Ivanka, Black Lives Matter, everybody who is with us, we are going to make America great again. Crooked Hillary, however, is doing nothing for that race except shoot fire from her mouth like a dragon. We are putting our skin in the game.”

Pointing to Clinton and her husband’s former membership at an all-white country club, Trump said he has always “given blacks all kinds of jobs.”

“While she and Bill were golfing at a restricted country club, I was giving African Americans all kinds of work in my resorts,” Trump said. “You name it, from busboy, to dishwasher, to bellhop, we kept bringing them in. All this while Hill and Bill were hopping about the all-white golf course with Muff and Uncle Biff.

“Sad. Sad,” he added, shaking his head in disgust.

 

Dems ban God from Convention: Wasserman

wasserman schultz interviews with anderson cooper

Outgoing Democratic National Committee  Chairman Debbie Wasserman Shultz announced that all mentions of God will be banned at next week’s Convention.

“It’s time to settle the issue once and for all. The Democratic Party is a party of leadership, vision, and fresh ideas. Antiquated beliefs about God or references to the so-called Holy Bible have no place in our party, convention, and in fact, our great nation,” Wasserman Shultz said.

The Convention begins Monday in Philadelphia, Pa.  Democratic leadership will vote to set the rules of the convention at the onset of the event. Wasserman Shultz said an early polling of the group indicates overwhelming support for the ban.

“It’s important to note, we already have a packed lineup of speakers so we need to use our time wisely,” Wasserman Shultz said. “And, it’s critical that we focus on the issues to ensure Hillary Clinton is elected the next president of the United States and, just as importantly, Donald Trump is not. The convention is hardly the right place to play church.”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper pressed Wasserman Shultz for the motive behind the move.

“I’m not saying that I disagree with you as I think that if there is a God it would be a ‘she,’” Cooper said. “But it seems to me you are putting a lot of emphasis on this issue the day after Trump outlined his aggressive, and quite frankly, rather well thought plan for America should he be elected.”

“The bottom line, Anderson, is there is no God,” said Wasserman Schultz. “For example, when my husband and I decided to have children, we tore off our clothes, hopped into bed, and made babies. I can tell you up front, we’re not into threesomes, so there was no God there to help us out. The convention is not a place to foster fairy tales.”

“I can relate somewhat to what you’re saying although as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “And I know that LGBTQ issues will be at the forefront of the convention.”

“They sure will be, Anderson,” Wasserman Schultz said. “And to your point about being gay, if there was a God, you and your partner would be able to have a baby just by praying for one.”

Wasserman said that just prior to the convention, an offsite Bible burning will take place in the parking lot of nearby Lincoln Field. Nightly séances will be held, culminating in a Thursday night orgy after Secretary Clinton accepts her party’s nomination.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Aerosmith’s Joey Kramer for the idea for this piece! 

Clinton to Plagiarize Emancipation Proclamation

 

cooperclinton

Noticing the massive publicity Melania Trump enjoyed after being accused of plagiarizing Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton announced she also plans to “repurpose some good copy.”

A statement released by the Clinton Campaign on Wednesday indicated Mrs. Clinton has been reviewing Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation “to determine relevant parts she can lift that fit into today’s America.”

In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Clinton detailed what she meant by “today’s America.”

“You know, Anderson, the Emancipation Proclamation was truly a great speech, but it’s fairly one-sided as it measures up against today’s society,” Clinton said. “And I am sure if President Lincoln were here today, he would both endorse me, and would want to make sure the speech contained elements that not only please those of us who enjoy white privilege, but also reaches to the heart and the concerns of the Black Lives Matter movement, peace-loving Muslims regardless of whether they wish to harm us, illegal immigrants of all nationalities, police reform activists, and of course, the LGBT community.”

Cooper reminded Clinton that he is openly gay and appreciates that she believes President Lincoln would defend his right to enjoy naked horseplay with other men.

“Well, Anderson, that’s what friends are for,” Clinton said with a smile, and a wink, and a sparkle in her eye.

“Are you Dionneifying me?” Cooper chuckled.

“Hey don’t forget, we also have Elton in there as well, so perhaps I’m Johnifying you?” Clinton said.

“I’m not sure how I feel about being call a john, although it certainly would not be the first time. But let me say this: Elton was and remains a great leader and role model for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I give no small credit to his sacrifice in laying the foundation for men like me to not only come out my mother’s closet, but doing so wearing one of her latest fashions.”

“You know, Cooper, if I’m elected president—and of course I will be as I’ve already told the American people all they want hear—I plan to name you as this great country’s first Mayor of the Gay Community,” Clinton said.

Cooper became so choked up with tears that CNN was forced to take an unscheduled commercial break.

Editor’s note: Special thanks to followers Lisha DeRycke Hallek and Stef Aneli for their valuable assistance in helping me craft, edit, and plagiarize this report. 

Pence Blows Kidney Stone at Convention

 

pence

Trump’s running mate and Indiana governor Mike Pence is recovering from passing a kidney stone Monday.

The incident occurred during a mic check backstage with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Pence is reported to have started sweating profusely from his brow and biting his lip just as Cooper began testing his collar microphone.

Holding his groin with one hand, Pence pushed himself off his stool and hobbled off to the men’s room. Focused on his mic check, Cooper did not witness the incident and initially thought nothing of Pence’s absence.

Approximately 15 minutes later, Pence collapsed on the bathroom floor in a stall.

Pence’s fall tripped on his microphone, which some believe was a miracle that may have saved his life. After the governor’s mic turned on, the entire stage crew including Cooper heard Pence’s pained groans and panting.

“At first I thought we were hearing a cow giving birth to twins,” Cooper later told his viewers.

Pence’s pained yelps grew louder, throwing everyone into confusion as the stage area was not in the immediate vicinity of the restroom.

A union technician returning from a cigarette break traced the sound to the men’s room. Cooper and several of the stage crew dashed to the scene.

Sighting the governor squirming underneath the stalls, Cooper crawled underneath to help. To prevent the governor from striking his head against the porcelain toilet, Cooper gently pushed Pence out of the stall to safety.

“Will someone call 911 for crying out loud?” Pence screamed. “I’m passing a damned kidney stone!”

“Governor, would you like me to hold you or massage where it hurts until help arrives?” Cooper offered.

“This is no time to be cracking your stinking LGBT jokes!” the governor replied.

“I’m just trying to help,” Cooper said. “As a gay man, I know what it’s like to feel pain most people don’t suffer.”

Paramedics took Pence to a nearby hospital where he reportedly passed the stone approximately two hours after his arrival.

The Emergency Room physician prescribed Pence narcotic painkillers in the event another lingering stone passes.

Pence said he plans to save the drugs to numb the pain of having to listen to a bunch of Republican blowhards as they give their nomination speeches.

Monica Lewinsky Donates Blue Dress to Smithsonian

 

lewinsky clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C.—More than two decades have passed since Monica Lewinsky was hired as a White House intern. After fulfilling that position, Lewinsky advanced her way up through the Clinton Administration as an employee of the White House Office of Legislative Affairs. During that time, President Clinton broadly interpreted Lewinsky’s responsibilities in “legislative affairs” to include engaging in executive affairs. Lewinsky gladly accepted, although that position would require her to begin from the ground up.

Lewinsky was delighted to perform all duties that came with the job, both covert and undercover. This led to longer and harder working hours to include evenings and weekends. As a result, the pair developed a personal relationship, although according to Mr. Clinton, he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Clinton was not always an easy boss to work for, having a reputation for blowing his lid from time to time. During these incidents, he would often retire to the restroom in an effort to cool down and prevent from blowing up in the presence of his underling.

After one such incident, however, Clinton managed to leave traces of semen on a blue dress Lewinsky owned. That dress was entered into oral evidence and hard testimony during investigations held by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr and became the focus of media reports and the butt of many jokes.

About a decade after Clinton’s impeachment, the government was forced to return Lewinsky her dress, which she has kept under lock and key in an undisclosed location. But because of the historical significance and magnitude of the article of clothing as it relates to Clinton’s prosecution, Lewinsky has recently agreed to release ownership of the dress to the Smithsonian Institution.

“Ms. Lewinsky feels that donating the dress to the Smithsonian is necessary to preserve an important element of American history,” said Lewinsky’s publicist Jennifer Caldwell.

On last week’s Meet the Press, Chuck Todd grilled Mrs. Clinton about the donation.

“This remains a deeply touchy issue for our family, and to this day I find it very hard to swallow that the Republicans aren’t behind this,” Mrs. Clinton replied.

‘The timing is at the very least suspect,” she said.

Clinton private parts make history – again

 

Clinton-Trump-Sanders-jpg

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Hillary Clinton made history Tuesday after winning California and New Jersey.

“We’ve reached a milestone,” Clinton announced in Brooklyn.

“This means the American people will have the opportunity to put someone in the oval office who sports a bra rather than a tie,” a chuckling Clinton told supporters.

“Our next president will have shaved legs, occasional bikini waxings, and of course a wardrobe chock full of pantsuits,” she said.

Clinton’s Republican opponent was quick to pounce on her remarks.

“It’s disgusting, just disgusting,” Donald Trump said. “Every time the Clintons make history, their private parts are in one way or another involved. During President Bill Clinton’s depositions about his sexual activities with his intern Monica Lewinsky, we learned about distinguishing characteristics relative to the unusual curvature of his penis. Testimonies given by several other women identified a mole on his pole.”

“So the Clintons were the first to make a presidential penis an object of American history,” Trump said.

“And they’re not done yet,” he continued. “In one way or another Hillary Clinton continues to use anatomical references to remind people that she’s a woman. Her underlying message is, ‘I got boobs. I got curves. I have a birth canal. So vote for me.’”

“Disgusting,” he said.

Clinton gained the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the nomination on Monday night. Most media outlets and opinionated pundits prefer to say that she “clinched the nomination” because they want to sound just like each other. It makes them feel accepted and part of a club.

However, news organizations called the race for Hillary Clinton based on support from superdelegates — establishment insiders such as party hacks and elected officials who pledged to vote for her instead of Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders.

Sanders says he believes a number of superdelegates are likely to change their minds due to the major string of recent victories the Senator has enjoyed.

“Clinton cannot win all the states we won, but we can beat Trump in every state we won and those that Clinton won,” Sanders said. “The superdelegates are seeing that it is clear that I am the only candidate that can defeat Trump in November.”

“I am remaining in this race until every last vote is counted,” Sanders said.

“Bernie’s got balls,” Trump said concerning the Vermont Senator’s determination to win over superdelegates.

“Apparently, I’m the only candidate in this race who is not using boobs or genitals for political gain,” he said.

Poll: Dems want Clinton even if arrested

 

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton flips out during a campaign stop in Wilmington, Del. (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton flips out during a campaign stop in Wilmington, Del. (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

A Rasmussen poll  revealed 71 percent of Democratic voters believe Hillary Clinton should continue her presidential run if she is indicted. Only 30 percent of Republicans and 46 percent of independent voters shared the same opinion.

Regardless of her widespread support, a long unpleasant road awaits Clinton. Last week, she was blasted in a State Department Inspector General report about her careless email use.

The report found repeated warnings about cybersecurity were ignored and staffers who expressed concerns were told to, “never speak of the Secretary’s personal email system or her choice of pantsuits.”

Secondly, trusted sources close to the U.S. Justice Department indicate the FBI is set to interrogate Mrs. Clinton within the next few weeks.

When asked about her impending FBI interrogation, Clinton laughed it off.

“I hope Megyn Kelly is the moderator for my debate with the FBI,” she said.

FBI Director James Comey said in response to Clinton’s remark, “I don’t know what ‘debate’ means. We’re conducting an investigation. That’s what we do.”

“No one cares about Hillary’s email,” said Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry was reelected after getting caught smoking crack in bed with a prostitute. How much less will the American people care about Mrs. Clinton’s server?”

The email scandal could still be a huge problem for Clinton’s in November. Forty percent of all voters said they are less likely to vote for Clinton because of it, whether or not she’s arrested.

The White House has kept silent on the issue since Inspector General’s report. Vice President Joe Biden, who suffers from an inability to restrain his thoughts, was quick to comment.

“Anyone who thinks the voters care about Secretary Clinton’s email server has got to be dumber than a municipal cop,” Biden said.

Hillary: Major Announcement

clinton trump

NEW YORK – Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said she is in the final stages of adopting a campaign message.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to announce her message at a press conference before California primary voters hit the polls on June 7.

A recent Rasmussen report revealed the majority of likely General Election voters believe Clinton’s message is two part:

  1. “I’m running for president of the United States.”
  2. “Donald Trump is unfit to be president.”

“I’ve been supporting Hillary because she’s a woman,” said Marsha Rankin of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. “I am so excited to learn what her platform is. No matter what, I’m with her!”

Sources close to the Clinton campaign have hinted Clinton’s message will be threefold, aiming at the following issues.

  1. White Men Can’t Govern – Clinton is a firm believer that women are the stronger gender and that Caucasian men are “sexist, racist, and as seen on TV, stupid.” Clinton points out that her husband was the last white guy to have any sense at all and that he is expected to play an active role in the White House, far away from the interns.
  1. Bill Clinton Isn’t a Liability – Hillary will emphasize that her husband is not the “new Dan Quayle” and is totally capable of measuring curtains, cleaning bathrooms, and making the bed regardless with whom he last spent the night. Hillary will also rebut Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s mantra that she was an enabler to Mr. Clinton’s sexual escapades. “I take offense that Donald Trump calls me an enabler. That rhetoric clearly demonstrates that Trump is sexist as I didn’t need Bill’s help in ruining any bimbo’s life.”
  1. Vote for me and not Trump – Mrs. Clinton plans to send a clear and compelling message that she would make a great president and that Trump would not. “Donald Trump is a sexist, bigot, and LGBT-ahobe and I’m none of those,” she said. “I have proof. The American people just don’t have the stomach for the likes of Trump. I’m likable enough.”

While it’s not clear exactly when Mrs. Clinton will make the announcement, she plans to evade further debates with Senator Sanders in the interim.

Trump Revises Supreme Court Nominee List

 

trump victory signAfter taking heat for the eleven Supreme Court nominees Trump said he is considering to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Antonin Scalia, the billionaire threw out that list and created the following.

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the tub. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy is doing a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring on Bernie is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsberg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsberg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her face sags, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the presumptive Republican nominee could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. Besides, she will be the first sitting justice to be arrested, which would be a fabulous example to America’s children that you can’t run away from trouble. There ain’t no place that far. But if we do it right at the speed of light, there’s a motorcade for my car – caviar!”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has got more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “She’s a freaking know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justices to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour.”

Nancy Pelosi: “Trump won’t be President”

 Pelosi bets Trump won't be elected president

Former Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes she can see the future.

On Kara Swisher’s “Recode” podcast, the California Democrat said, “You know what, it ain’t happening. Donald Trump is not going to be president of the United States. Take it to the bank. I guarantee it.”

Swisher asked Pelosi which bank she would recommend given that a number of financial institutions collapsed during Pelosi’s rule as House Speaker.

“You and I both know those failures were the result of Republican policies and the lack of transgendered bathrooms within banks,” Pelosi said.

Wiping a tear, Pelosi added, “I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard from constituents about being forced to go potty behind ATMs because of this.”

Turning the conversation back to the election, Pelosi said that all Republicans “are either sexists, bigots, or card carrying porn shop patrons.”

“Even before Trump came on the scene Congressional males like Speaker Ryan have long tolerated horrible statements… some of them worse than Donald Trump, without even commenting, because they get votes in conservative districts and backward states like Kentucky,” Pelosi continued.

Swisher asked the former House Speaker if her support for Clinton was based on the fact the candidate is a woman.

“Not at all,” Pelosi said. “You know, rumor has it Elizabeth Warren will be her running mate. Like most people, I have no clue if the senator is male or female. You can’t tell by looking at her. What really matters is that Trump is stopped.”

“You seem to be more anti-Trump than you are pro-Clinton, and I noticed you haven’t endorsed Hillary—why is that?” Swisher asked.

“Trusted sources close to the FBI investigation indicate Mrs. Clinton might be the presumptive arrestee,” she said. “Once she gets Warren on the ticket, however, I can make the endorsement as my bases will be covered.”

Moving from the candidate to the platform, Swisher asked Pelosi which of Mrs. Clinton’s policies she supports.

“I’m not sure—we have to elect Hillary to find out what’s in her policies,” Pelosi said.

Trump scoffed at Pelosi’s predication that he would not be elected.

“I think it’s safe to say the octogenarian’s crystal balls are dragging,” Trump said as he tweeted an insult about Elizabeth Warren while relieving himself behind a New York City ATM.

Hillary: Bill Clinton will serve with me

 

Bill-Hillary-Clinton-725x375

As Senator Bernie Sanders has mounted a serious threat to her candidacy, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said that if she were elected, her husband, former U.S. president Bill Clinton, would have a role in the White House.

During a rally in Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, Clinton announced the role she had in mind, ending speculation that Mr. Clinton would manage White House interns.

“I’m going to put my husband in charge of revitalizing the economy, cause you know he knows how to do it,” Clinton told supporters and hecklers.

Clinton made similar remarks earlier this month in Kentucky, a state where Bill Clinton remains popular among working class inbreds.

“I’ve told my husband he’s got to come out of the retirement closet and be in charge of this because you know he’s got more ideas a minute than anybody I know,” she said, while talking about manufacturing, jobs, and the adult film industry.

Over the course of the campaign, Clinton has repeatedly said she would seek her husband’s advice if she takes office, displaying a sheer lack of confidence in her own abilities.

Last month on ABC’s “The View,” she said, “I hope he’ll have a lot of involvement in starting the economy to really take off.”

View host Whoopi Goldberg asked Clinton if she was implying that President Obama damaged the economy.

“You know, Whoopi, I’m the reason gas prices fell to normal levels and Trump’s the reason they are rising,” Clinton replied. “We just can’t have a white guy in the Oval Office anymore, but we sure can use them as advisers and servants.”

Presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump laughed off Clinton’s announcement.

“Clearly Crooked Hillary is getting nervous as demonstrated by her evoking the ghost of Bill’s way back presidency,” Trump said. “The only job Bill is qualified to hold is Enabler in Chief, and Hillary knows that.”

Former President Bill Clinton could not be reached at press time as he was attending a fundraiser at a strip bar, according to his publicist.

Ryan: Trump Stirred Feelings In Me

Ryan Trump Tryin'

House Speaker and Presumptive Republican Nominee Trump Bond During Meeting

Washington—Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan held their highly anticipated meeting Thursday amid signals that the Republican Party will work to unite.

What some may consider a more interesting takeaway was Ryan’s shift in what he called “feelings” for Trump.

“We were honest about our few differences, but most importantly, we bonded over our similarities, to include our personal feelings,” Ryan said. “I’m not sure what has come over me. I have never felt this way about another man. I wish I could explain it better. I think whatever is stirring inside of me drove my initial resistance toward Trump. Perhaps I have contracted Trump appeal.”

Paul Ryan: Time, Love and Tenderness

Ryan, speaking with reporters during his weekly press briefing, sought to portray his personal and political openness to Trump, despite withholding what sources close to the speaker say will be his imminent endorsement.

“This is our first meeting, I was very encouraged, but this is a process,” Ryan said. “Because love is a process, and honey, love is love. It takes some time. You don’t put it together in 45 minutes any more than you would get married after the first date. However, I fully understand Democrats will hop in the sack minutes after meeting each other, which is why America is plagued with sexually transmitted diseases.”

Ryan Moves Closer to Trump’s Platform

The speaker called Trump’s achievement of earning more votes than any Republican candidate in history “really kind of unparalleled and somewhat sexy.” He added that perhaps this demonstrates Trump’s idea to keep Islamic terrorists out of the country is “not such a bad idea since we have enough people here anyway.”

Ryan said he hopes to channel the momentum for the presumptive nominee into support for a conservative agenda as well as a deep and meaningful relationship with the billionaire.

“The question is … how we unify it all?” Ryan said. “And where do broken hearts go? How do we keep adding and adding and adding voters while not subtracting any voters. Most Americans and London’s Islamic mayor do not like where this country is headed.”

Trump tweeted his thoughts during an act of marriage with his wife Melania as their plane taxied on the runway before taking off for New York, “Great day in D.C. with @SpeakerRyan and Republican leadership. Things working out really well! #MrsTrump’sRump.”

“I thought it was a great meeting,” Trump said in a Thursday evening Fox News interview with Sean Hannity. “Size does matter, by the way, just like Marco mentioned during the debates. Speaker Ryan’s ears are huge! And I like that.”

Trump suggested the two sides would eventually come together, even if that means they must come grooving up slowly.

Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton tweeted, “@realDonaldTrump has got to be a joker, he just do what he please.”

 

Carole King to Paul Ryan: Stop Using my Lines

 

carole king

Carole King, 70s superstar, performer and author, has warned US House Speaker Paul Ryan, to stop using her lyrics in reference to Donald Trump.

“We shouldn’t just pretend our party is unified when I know it is not,” the Wisconsin Republican said yesterday in an interview.  “We just can’t fake it.”

Carole King joins chorus of objecting musicians

King produced the 70s smash hit song, “It’s Too Late.” The verse she accuses Ryan of lifting says, “Something inside has died and I know that I just can’t fake it.”

“When in the Sam Hill are these stupid Republicans going to stop stealing artists’ work, you know?” a barefooted King said at a press conference outside the Betty Ford Clinic.

King joins a few recent voices against Trump’s use of their work at campaign rallies. Most recently, Aerosmith Lead Singer Steven Tyler penned an essay about copyright courtesy to Donald Trump.

“I’m not trying to make a political statement or saying I support Bernie because he’s my New England homeboy,” Tyler said. “But The Donald’s wife, I have got to say, is twee-diddly-dee-to the zippity zee-dee-lectable!”

The Rolling Stones also asked Trump to discontinue using their music at rallies, but it was unclear at press time if Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are really still alive.

Talks between Trump and party officials slated

Ryan, the nation’s highest-ranking GOP official, who holds the distinction of having the largest-sized ears on Capitol Hill, sent the Republican Party into a tailspin when he said that he was not ready to back Trump.

Trump is scheduled to talk with Ryan and senior House and Senate GOP leaders. It is expected the group will discuss strategies to unify the party, potential vice presidential nominees, and Hillary Clinton’s silly looking pantsuits.

Sources close to Ryan indicate the Speaker plans to grab Trump by the locks to put to rest the question of whether the billionaire sports a toupee.

Ryan said his decision to share his doubts about Trump came out of a “gut impulse.” Ryan later conceded that his impulses are not always right, referencing his decision four years ago to join Gov. Mitt Romney as his vice presidential running mate.

“It’s going to take more than a week to unify this party,” Ryan said citing picnic plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend and his plans to take his family to Disneyland over the summer. Sources close to Ryan’s mother indicate the Speaker is still brokenhearted about his primary loss to Trump and the large slate of Republicans he ran against.

Ryan concluded he hoped the GOP would unite by November to defeat Hillary Clinton.

King does not think the GOP can unite by Election Day.

“It’s too late baby, it’s too late,” King said.

Clinton to laid off coal miner: “Think before you speak!”

clinton coal

Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton ran into another controversial and potentially damaging roadblock after she was questioned by a laid-off coal worker over her campaign promise that “we’re going to put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business.”

Clinton was attending a rally with Sen. Joe Manchin in Williamson, (D-West Virginia) when she was asked a question by Bo Copley, a laid off coal miner with a pregnant wife, a little boy, and two little girls.

“Ma’am, how you can say you’re going to put a lot of coal miners out of jobs, and then come here and tell us how you’re going to be our friend, because those people out there don’t see you as a friend?” Copley asked. He broke into tears as the chants of the protesters and pancake merchants were heard outside. A towering and physically strong man, Copley said through his tears he could no longer feed his family and was upset that Hillary would harm so many poor children for political gain.

“What I was saying is that the way things are going now, we will continue to lose jobs, because you guys are killing the environment and keep getting gritty nasty coal dust all over the place,” Clinton said sharply with her trademark scowl she typically reserves for Republicans. “Both times when I was here—campaigning for my husband’s candidacy for president and then mine—there was coal dust all over the diners we patronized to show the American people that we are wholesome hometown hookies like ya’ll. But it’s hard to socialize, let alone eat dogs and baked beans when there’s coal stains on the diner’s coffee mugs. Whoopi Goldberg is getting fat, and how did she get a Jewish patronymic anyway? You really need to think before you speak, OK?”

The West Virginian protestors broke out into a chant, “Beans beans are good for your heart, the more you eat them, the more you fart, the more you fart, the better you feel, so eat your beans every meal!”

“OK, OK, speaking of a good heart, if I thought that putting you out of work was in Hillary’s heart, I wouldn’t be sitting here,” Sen. Manchin said. “Besides, I’m sick of hearing about those damn emails.”

“You said it, Senator,” Clinton replied. “You got to remember I may be from Arkansas, Indiana, Pennsylvania, New York, and honey, Virginia may be for lovers, but my heart’s here in West Virginia. This land was made for you and me!”

The crowd rose to a sustained standing ovation, including sincere applause from Copley and other unemployed coalminers.

“Welp, you got me thinking now,” Copley said. “You just may be fit to wear the pantsuit in the White House. I just hope you consider getting a bellybutton ring and a tattoo.”

A blushing Clinton replied, “If I get inked, I’m sure it will say, “I love West Virginia!”

“One final question, ma’am?” Copley asked.

“Panties or cotton bloomers?”

Clinton erupted with her trademark belly laugh that even a majority of Republicans have come to adore, as reported in a recent Al Jazeera poll.

Trump tells Cruz and Kasich to Come out of the Closet

Kasich-Cruz-jpg

Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump laughed off an ironic alliance between Ted Cruz and John Kasich with a three-word response: “dead and desperate.”

A FOX News Real Time poll shows the majority of U.S. millennials did not understand Trump’s carefully chosen line was a play on the 1994 comedy movie Dumb and Dumber.

Other pollsters concur with FOX’s findings but a number of them add that millennials do not understand much at all to include movies they recently saw or that it’s ok not to tip for takeout food.

“Lyin’ Ted and Mini Van Mama Kasich are mathematically dead and totally desperate,” Trump tweeted after the announcement of the Cruz-Kasich alliance.

A press release from Trump called the alliance “a horrible act of desperation from two closet pals who have horribly failed.”

When asked by a CNN reporter he meant by “closet pals,” Trump replied:

“They’re a pair of gay guys, I tell ya! Get ‘em the hell out of here!”

After calming down, Trump fixed his collar and added with a smile, “There’s a bright spot for everything, though. I get a belly laugh just picturing those two cowboys at some good ole’ honky tonk doing the do-si-do with each other. They need to come out of the closet.”

The Cruz and Kasich campaigns made their announcement in Philadelphia, during which each tried to make the case that Trump has an outdated toupee and chronic halitosis.

Cruz was quick to point out he could be trusted as he looks like Bruce Patrick, the lad who played Eddie on The Monsters. Kasich added that he too bears a famous resemblance: John Denver. The Ohio Governor whipped out an acoustic guitar and began plucking Rocky Mountain High.

The duo kept in perfect harmony until the chorus when Cruz’s voice petered out as he labored in vain to sing the high notes. Kasich grimaced because that is what esteemed gentlemen of his deportment and stature are expected to do.

The simultaneously released statements announced that Kasich would pull out of Indiana to give Cruz “a clear path” ahead of that state’s winner-take-all primary May 3, while the Cruz campaign will “clear the path” for Kasich in Oregon, which votes May 17, and New Mexico, which votes June 7.

“The only clear path these clowns have is from my fist to their noses the next time I see them,” Trump said.