“Dumped on Prom Night” Hillary’s election night meltdown

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton’s night on the 9th of November went from a celebration to an absolute meltdown once the election unexpectedly turned on her, leaving Trump as the victor. Some of the remnants of Hillary Clinton’s rampage in the private VIP area was discovered by the hotel custodial staff the day following the election.

Hillary Clinton’s post-election celebration plans included hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of fireworks, live performances by various celebrities, such as Cher, who came believing that Hillary was going to win the election, a five-hundred-thousand-dollar special effect glass ceiling that she would break through in a dramatic display once she walked out on stage at her H.Q., among millions of dollars worth of other celebratory preparations, all paid for by the Clinton Foundation in full.

The most notable damage was located deep in the VIP room of the Clinton camp. A custom 150-inch ultra HD TV, a gift from the Saudi Arabian government, was found with a broken screen. The damage was caused by a $950,000 bottle of champagne that was believed to have been thrown at the screen by the former presidential candidate some time during the election.

Early in the morning, the custodial staff were greeted by flipped-over tables as the floors were covered with expensive food, drinks, and appetizers. Broken champagne flutes and gilded silverware were also seen scattered around the would-be party room.

The most telling sign of a massive meltdown was the cake. The pastry that had once proudly displayed the presidential seal, was violently flung against the walls in chunks. A broken topper from the cake in the shape of the white house was discovered lodged firmly into the drywall near the dessert table.

Clinton’s splurge on party supplies was merely an echo of all the left-leaning polls and hype that “confirmed” Hillary Clinton’s indubitable win. Misled by just about every prediction, Hillary Clinton personally planned one big party for her assumed victory. Once it became clear that it would not be Clinton’s night, however, the mood of the party soured rapidly.

A former staffer, who was fired during the rampage, said that the atmosphere around Clinton went from “queen of the hour” to “the girl who was dumped on prom night” in only a few moments.

School That Always Picks Loser Chooses Clinton as Winner


SELLERSVILLE, PA — Every four years over the past three decades, students at Sellersville Elementary School in Sellersville, PA have held schoolwide mock presidential elections. And, in each election, the candidate whom the school picked as the winner went on to lose in the U.S. elections.

This week, Sellersville Elementary has elected Hillary Clinton as the next U.S president.

“We are proud of our mock presidential elections record regardless of the outcome,” Second-Grade Teacher Mrs. Hughes said. “Although we haven’t always gotten it right, we try harder than those who actually are able to vote. That’s what really matters.”

Hughes says that because of the various anomalies involved in this year’s race between Mrs. Clinton and Donald Trump, she believes her school has accurately predicted the outcome.

“Polling from both our first grade and second-grade classes has consistently shown Mrs. Clinton ahead by wide margins. During the polling process, students asked lunch ladies, crossing guards, and siblings various questions to determine what most people are thinking. We are confident their answers reveal the mood of the electorate.”

Sellersville Elementary is part of the Pennridge School District. The district represents a 98 percent caucasian population with 95 percent of households having incomes exceeding $80,000 per year.

Mrs. Hughes confirmed during a press conference that no tax dollars were used to fund the school’s mock presidential elections.

Clinton: “I’ll Scratch Comey’s Eyes Out!”


FORT MEYERS, FL — FBI Director James Comey’s letter to Congress regarding an unexpected development in his agency’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s email server has set off a firestorm in the Clinton campaign.

And, with just days to go, Mrs. Clinton is sparing no words.

“Republican Comey thinks his sensationalism and inferences can mobilize undecided inbreds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like to vote for Trump, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough as Comey and his buddy Trump,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a Florida rally.

“I’ll scratch Comey’s eyes out faster than Trump’s wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Comey.

“You know, Anderson, Comey started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch out Comey’s eyes.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“If she’s elected, she’ll take down the second amendment,” Trump said, checking a laminated U.S. Constitution cheat sheet to ensure he referenced the correct amendment. By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Trump added.


When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting too old for this crap.”

Bill Clinton: “No Fat Shaming and no Interns for me”

fat shaming and clinton women

Politics makes strange bedfellows – but it doesn’t get any stranger than a multigenerational threesome.

Hillary Clinton would like to put her husband’s infidelities behind her. But, allegations of Donald Trump’s fat shaming former beauty contestants have made bringing Monica Lewinsky out of the bedroom closet a matter of political convenience.

“My husband never discriminated against women of any shape, size, or sexual stamina,” Clinton said, enunciating in mockery, staaaaa-naaaah-maaah. “A mirror over our bed is the only glass ceiling Bill supports. But that mirror exists to promote, not demean women.”

“Bill will be too busy making America great again to be bimbo bouncing when I’m president,” Mrs. Clinton said.

Mrs. Clinton’s remarks come on the heels of her husband signing a pledge to tell her no lies and keep his hands to himself, fat shaming or not.

Bill Clinton has vowed a “hands-off-the-interns policy” in a Madame Clinton White House.

“I will not have sexual relations with those women,” Clinton said in a recent interview with Playboy Magazine. “Nor will I engage in any activity others might attempt to define as a sex act.”

A Playboy bunny bent over in front of Clinton to refill his teacup as he made the statement. His eyes bulged as he locked his gaze below her neck.

“Let’s clarify a key point because Republicans will be hanging on my every word in order to ‘get me’ once I become First Lady,” Clinton said. “I was elected president a quarter century ago. Back yonder, I was a young pup. I have since moved on to admiring women in their 40s including a few postmenopausal mommas.”

“Back then I did the Tube Steak Boogie, but I’m now into prime rib,” the former president said.

The interviewer pointed out to Clinton that he referred to himself as the eventual “First Lady” and suggested he meant “First Gentleman.”

“Who the hell you calling a gentleman?” Clinton exclaimed lunging at the interviewer in an attempt to grab him by the neck.

Realizing what he had done, Clinton calmly sat back down and gently apologized.

“Hillary and I support the LGBT movement even though we opposed those queers when I was president,” he said. “So we decided in honor of the transgenders across this great nation, I will assume the title of First Lady. But I did not engage in fat shaming then, nor will I now.”

“You know what that means, right?” Clinton snickered.

“It means I get to use any ole bathroom I please, just like they do at Target,” he said. “So when I’m at some fancy hotel and I see a cutie with that ‘come hither’ look about her go into the ladies room, I’m following after her!”

After the interview concluded, Clinton autographed several Playboy bunnies’ breasts, leaving nonchalantly with one bunny while humming Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator.”

Going down…” he sang to himself as the doors closed.

BREAKING NEWS: Clinton Denied Coughing Breaks at Debate

No coughing fit breaks for clinton

Clinton will have to power though coughing fits  during the debate. She has been granted use of a special podium to compensate for her size.

Coughing breaks, steps stools, and timeouts are among the list of rules for the first presidential debate on Monday night.

The Presidential Debate Commission this weekend finalized its List of Debate Rules, Decorum, and Formality (the List) for the debate. The List is required by the Presidential Debate Rules of Procedure which Congress adopted in 1861 to codify debates after the infamous and hostile Lincoln and Douglas Debates. The List is made exclusively by the Presidential Debate Commission without input from the candidates.

The commission denied Clinton’s request to use a step stool to compensate for her smallness in stature. Clinton is a small but mighty 5’4″. Mighty as she may be, her campaign is concerned she could be “dwarfed” by Donald Trump, who stands 6’2″ tall. However, the commission did approve a custom-made podium, which will accommodate the difference in stature.

More than 100 million people are expected to watch the first presidential debate between Clinton and Donald J. Trump, which will be held at Hofstra University in Long Island, New York. The debate rules state that Clinton will have to “power through” any coughing fit, feinting spells, or other medical crisis should such events occur. The commission reasoned that the candidates are vying to be commander-in-chief of the armed forces and therefore should sustain their shortcomings as a leader should. Clinton’s special podium request was granted in deference to Napoleon as the 5’7″ leader nearly conquered the world.

Clinton Campaign Manager and Gay Right’s Activist and Robby Mook said his candidate is prepared to prevail over Trump Monday.

“Hillary has been taking frequent naps and getting full night’s sleep so she is well rested and ready to go,” said Mook. “Trump has been running around battleground states like a fool, burning himself out. This is going to be a victory of the turtle versus the hare. Regardless of her age, Hillary still has youthful energy and poise. And if you could see her without her pantsuits, you would agree, the lady has still got it. Even as a gay man, I can tell she’s hotter than a summer night in the Sahara.”

Lester Holt, anchor of NBC’s “Nightly News” will moderate the first debate.

Trump said he’s pleased with the List and looks forward to the debates.

“Hillary needs more than the special podium as she comes up short in more than just her lack of height,” Trump said. “Her policies are short, her message is short, and her vision for America is short. Plus, she started the birther movement and I finished it.”

U.S. House Impeaches Matt Lauer

matt lauer head shot

WASHINGTON — A deeply divided House of Representatives impeached Today Show anchor Matt Lauer Friday on charges of journalistic sexism.

Leading Democrats accused Lauer of posing tougher questions to Hillary Clinton during NBC’s recent “Commander-in-Chief Forum” than those he asked of Trump.

Lauer was also charged with “Obstruction of Pantsuits.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said Lauer used that tactic to “paint a granny-like Betsy Ross image of Hillary.”

“There is no question that Lauer wanted the American people to see Hillary’s role as a matriarch on a rocking chair,” Pelosi said. “Lauer’s shaved head and Trump’s empty mind were working together like hand and glove.”

Lauer is the first American journalist in history to be impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives.

Lauer told reporters he was disappointed but not surprised by the House impeachment vote. He vowed to serve out the remaining two years in his contract.

“I was committed to seeking a quick bipartisan compromise, but that’s not how things work in Washington anymore,” Lauer said.

Following the votes, the Congressional Press Pool rode buses to Trump Towers and stood behind Lauer at a media event where the news anchor pledged to continue to fight and asked for national reconciliation.

“We need to move beyond reverse sexism and get on with the business of the country,” Lauer said. “For heaven’s sake, we’re trying to elect a president!”

Clinton to Host “Afro-Centric” Picnics

Clinton Plans African American Picnics

Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton announced she will host “Afro-Centric Picnics” throughout September. The announcement follows a New York Times report entitled “Young Blacks Voice Skepticism on Hillary Clinton, Worrying Democrats.”

“Trump is trying to make voters believe he’s gaining ground with African Americans,” Clinton said. “As Toni Morrison said, my husband was America’s first black president. It was Bill’s groundwork that enabled Barrack Obama, a young first-term senator to be elected president. The African American community remains thankful and loyal to Bill for being their first president. And they are prepared to express that gratitude by voting for me in droves on November 8.”

Another indicator that Clinton is losing momentum among African American voters is a series of articles by left leaning political analysts that her post-convention bounce has flattened. For example, RealClearPolitics.com recently ran an article penned by Nate Silver, political analyst and founder of 538.com, entitled “As Race Tightens, Don’t Assume Electoral College Saves Clinton.” The article says Clinton no longer has a clear path to the White House through traditional battleground states. Silver is renowned for his accuracy in predicting the outcomes of a number of major elections. After successfully calling the outcomes in 49 of the 50 states in the 2008 U.S. Presidential election, Silver was named one of The World’s 100 Most Influential People by Time. Although he relies on statistics to call the races he analyzes, Silver clearly leans far left.

Silver said social media has made polls unreliable as “an ungodly number of voters form opinions on headlines alone.”  He pointed to a recent article about Trump hosting such picnics. The article’s headline caused a huge uproar.

“People jumped to conclusions and posted outrageous comments simply over the headline,” Silver said. “Had they taken the time to read at least the first few paragraphs, they would have quickly discerned that the article was satire. Instead, they forwarded the piece through their social media accounts causing a proliferation of confusion and strife.”

“Such nonsensical behaviors cannot be factored into polls’ margins of errors, often leaving us with terribly skewed data,” Silver added. “This issue is so huge, Trump could be heading toward a landslide victory come November for all we know. Or Nate Silver, for that matter.”

Silver predicted that a similar number of people will fly off the handle over this satirical piece you are now reading as they did on the article on Trump. He added that if you actually read through this article to its finish, “you should be given the right to vote multiple times on Nov. 8.”

Trump to Host “Afro-Centric” Picnics

Trump Afro Centric outreach continus

Trump will host Afro-centric picnics as his popularity among African Americans continues to climb after Milwaukee Address

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump announced he will hold “Afro-Centric Picnics” throughout the country in September beginning Labor Day Weekend. The announcement follows on the heels of his successful speech addressing African Americans in Milwaukee.

“Crooked Hillary would like you to think she’s got the black vote wrapped up,” Trump said. “That is another Clintonian lie, I tell you. We are seeing significant gains among that crowd.”

Trump pointed toward his lifelong New York citizenship as the basis of his bond with the African American community.

“There were tons of black people in New York where I grew up, and I learned to like them early on,” Trump said. “And over the years, I employed countless African Americans giving them fantastic jobs at my resorts. While everyone else was hiring illegal Mexican immigrants, we were putting black folks to work.”

Trump said his intention in hosting Afro-Centric picnics was to break the growing black and white divide created by the Obama Administration over the past eight years. He added that food is the most powerful tool to tear down cultural walls.

“I am no stranger to hog-maws and chitlins, believe me,” Trump said. “Soul food is in my DNA. These picnics are going to be huge.”

“The media won’t cover the picnics, like they did with Obama’s so-called beer summit where he pretended to like white cops,” Trump continued. “But that’s not going to stop us from bonding over food and celebrating what unites us.”

Internet superstars Diamond and Silk will provide entertainment at the Afro-Centric picnics.

“These ladies are lovely,” said Trump. “They’ve been with us from the beginning and have consistently remained African Americans the whole time.”

A press release from the Trump campaign said that events will also include Get Out The Vote (GOTV) workshops. Participants will learn skills such as hosting inner city Trump barbecues, spamming Clinton’s social media venues, and how to vote for Trump in multiple precincts in states that lack voter ID laws.

Editor’s note: This story first ran on NationalReport.net – Americas #1 independent news site. 

CNN Won’t Endorse Trump

CNN Trump

CNN President Jeff Zucker announced the Cable News Network will not endorse Donald Trump for U.S. President.

Zucker stopped short of indicating whether CNN will endorse Hillary Clinton.

The news came as a surprise to CNN insiders, political analysts, and viewers.

“I am disappointed in our decision not to endorse Trump,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said. “I met a lot of gay men at the Republican Convention and had a few wild nights back at the hotel as a result. That would never have happened if one of the establishment Republicans The Donald wiped out were the nominee.”

“Most of all, I was deeply moved when Trump addressed the LGBTQ community,” Cooper continued. “And to be honest, I wept with joy when PayPal founder Peter Thiel spoke. I wouldn’t do him personally, but I was moved to see a flaming homosexual at the podium put another crack in the pink ceiling.”

Trump himself seemed taken back by the announcement.

“Here we go again, more media corruption from the top,” Trump said. “But what the hell does their endorsement mean when they give me all the coverage I want? I could moon someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and CNN would still cover me.”

CNN veteran Wolf Blitzer was also stunned at the announcement.

“Donald is a decent man regardless of how I spin my work against him,” Blitzer said. “He has never made fun of my hideous eyeglasses, and I get a kick out of his grandchildren playing with my beard.”

A response from the Clinton campaign revealed jubilance.

“Knowing CNN will not endorse Trump is, in his own words, ‘huge’,” the statement from the campaign said. “We believe this will result in fairer and balanced coverage, which will be advantageous in helping people see Mrs. Clinton in a more positive light. She’s really not a bad person, all things considered.”

Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly said he believes CNN never intended to endorse Trump. Zucker declined an invitation to discuss the issue on the O’Reilly Factor.

“It’s nothing political, I just can’t stand Irish skirt chasers,” Zucker’s rejection letter said.

O’Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment.

“A guy my age has no time for one-liners and the motions of courtship,” O’Reilly said. “Zucker can take his Grey Poupon and shove it up his you-know-what.”

Clinton to Mormons: Trump is a Satanic Evangelical

Utah may decide who wins the White House

Utah may decide who wins the White House

Utah’s Mormons could determine who wins the White House, and Hillary Clinton has taken notice.

In an opinion piece, Clinton referred to Mitt Romney as the Mormons’ “spiritual mentor.” She suggested Mormons should follow his example and reject Donald Trump’s campaign of “satanic and sadistic values.”

“Trump’s status as a bigoted evangelical Christian is troubling,” Clinton said. “There is no question that if he is elected president, Utah will become a Mormon concentration camp.”

Clinton also pointed out she is the best candidate because of her record of keeping Jews from getting elected.

“I kept Bernie Sanders out of the White House,” Clinton said. “This is important because Jews reject Mormonism. For example, they do not choose Utah as a vacation destination point. I find that grossly offensive and intolerable.”

Clinton also lauded her record of tolerance for “faiths that aren’t hung up on a fictional saviors, shepherds and sheep.”

“Religious freedom defines us as a nation,” Clinton said. “Tales of a guy hanging on a cross who pops back to life in time for Sunday brunch, however don’t.”

Clinton called for reform that will “bring families and the LGBT community out of the shadows and keep children, priests, and parents together.” She also gave mention to her other family-focused issues. These include paternity leave for fathers who are tired of working and the right for Mormons to urinate in public.

During an interview on Salt Lake City’s K-Talk, Clinton was asked how she could call herself religiously tolerant given Bill Clinton killed scores of children when he ordered the demise of the Branch Davidian Compound in Waco, Texas in 1993.

Clinton asked the producer to cut to a commercial break as she needed “a bio break.” She reportedly failed to return to the studio after finishing her business in the lady’s room.

Clinton Birther Fury: “I’ll Scratch Trump’s Eyes Out!”

Clinton Threatens to Scratch out Trump's Eyes

PERTH AMBOY, NJ — Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently accused Hillary Clinton of starting the “birther” rumor that says Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

“Clinton started the birther movement and I ended it,” Trump told reporters.

Clinton quickly pounced on Trump’s remarks with unbridled fury.

“Trump thinks his birther lies can mobilize inbreeds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a New Jersey rally.

“I’ll scratch his eyes out faster than his wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Trump.

“You know, Anderson, Donald started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch his eyes out.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Tump added.

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting to old for this crap.”

Trump to Buy Black Lives Matter

Trump Buys Black Lives MFFE

NEW YORK – Trump Industries announced it has entered into an Agreement of Sale to purchase the controversial activist group Black Lives Matter.

“This is huge, I tell you,” Trump said. “While the media and Crooked Hillary are trying to put out leaked email fires, we’re connecting with African Americans, because that’s what we do every day.”

Trump said his heart melted when he saw the group’s “ragtag website.”

“The first thing we are going to do is build them a real website and we’re going to make Mexico pay for it,” said Trump. “It will be one of those sites that make you want to come back for more. You’ll be able to watch up-to-date videos of protests and all kinds of stuff on it. Everyone’s going to love it.”

Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump’s daughter, will serve as Black Lives Matter CEO.

“I am honored in my own way, and my own sheer force of will to sacrifice greatly to enter the Black Lives Matter thing as an outsider,” Ivanka told reporters. “For more than a year, Donald Trump has been the people’s champion. And now he’s become the champion of all people regardless of color. I am proud to join my father in this endeavor.”

Ivanka Trump’s responsibilities include raising money at various yacht clubs and other posh establishments throughout the country from “white people with means who want to help.”

“Like many of my fellow millennials, I do not consider myself categorically black or white,” Ivanka continued. “I just know I am an American and from what I read in college, so are other races.”

“That girl, she is something, isn’t she?” Trump remarked. “We, Ivanka, Black Lives Matter, everybody who is with us, we are going to make America great again. Crooked Hillary, however, is doing nothing for that race except shoot fire from her mouth like a dragon. We are putting our skin in the game.”

Pointing to Clinton and her husband’s former membership at an all-white country club, Trump said he has always “given blacks all kinds of jobs.”

“While she and Bill were golfing at a restricted country club, I was giving African Americans all kinds of work in my resorts,” Trump said. “You name it, from busboy, to dishwasher, to bellhop, we kept bringing them in. All this while Hill and Bill were hopping about the all-white golf course with Muff and Uncle Biff.

“Sad. Sad,” he added, shaking his head in disgust.


Pence Blows Kidney Stone at Convention



Trump’s running mate and Indiana governor Mike Pence is recovering from passing a kidney stone Monday.

The incident occurred during a mic check backstage with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Pence is reported to have started sweating profusely from his brow and biting his lip just as Cooper began testing his collar microphone.

Holding his groin with one hand, Pence pushed himself off his stool and hobbled off to the men’s room. Focused on his mic check, Cooper did not witness the incident and initially thought nothing of Pence’s absence.

Approximately 15 minutes later, Pence collapsed on the bathroom floor in a stall.

Pence’s fall tripped on his microphone, which some believe was a miracle that may have saved his life. After the governor’s mic turned on, the entire stage crew including Cooper heard Pence’s pained groans and panting.

“At first I thought we were hearing a cow giving birth to twins,” Cooper later told his viewers.

Pence’s pained yelps grew louder, throwing everyone into confusion as the stage area was not in the immediate vicinity of the restroom.

A union technician returning from a cigarette break traced the sound to the men’s room. Cooper and several of the stage crew dashed to the scene.

Sighting the governor squirming underneath the stalls, Cooper crawled underneath to help. To prevent the governor from striking his head against the porcelain toilet, Cooper gently pushed Pence out of the stall to safety.

“Will someone call 911 for crying out loud?” Pence screamed. “I’m passing a damned kidney stone!”

“Governor, would you like me to hold you or massage where it hurts until help arrives?” Cooper offered.

“This is no time to be cracking your stinking LGBT jokes!” the governor replied.

“I’m just trying to help,” Cooper said. “As a gay man, I know what it’s like to feel pain most people don’t suffer.”

Paramedics took Pence to a nearby hospital where he reportedly passed the stone approximately two hours after his arrival.

The Emergency Room physician prescribed Pence narcotic painkillers in the event another lingering stone passes.

Pence said he plans to save the drugs to numb the pain of having to listen to a bunch of Republican blowhards as they give their nomination speeches.

Clinton private parts make history – again



BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Hillary Clinton made history Tuesday after winning California and New Jersey.

“We’ve reached a milestone,” Clinton announced in Brooklyn.

“This means the American people will have the opportunity to put someone in the oval office who sports a bra rather than a tie,” a chuckling Clinton told supporters.

“Our next president will have shaved legs, occasional bikini waxings, and of course a wardrobe chock full of pantsuits,” she said.

Clinton’s Republican opponent was quick to pounce on her remarks.

“It’s disgusting, just disgusting,” Donald Trump said. “Every time the Clintons make history, their private parts are in one way or another involved. During President Bill Clinton’s depositions about his sexual activities with his intern Monica Lewinsky, we learned about distinguishing characteristics relative to the unusual curvature of his penis. Testimonies given by several other women identified a mole on his pole.”

“So the Clintons were the first to make a presidential penis an object of American history,” Trump said.

“And they’re not done yet,” he continued. “In one way or another Hillary Clinton continues to use anatomical references to remind people that she’s a woman. Her underlying message is, ‘I got boobs. I got curves. I have a birth canal. So vote for me.’”

“Disgusting,” he said.

Clinton gained the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the nomination on Monday night. Most media outlets and opinionated pundits prefer to say that she “clinched the nomination” because they want to sound just like each other. It makes them feel accepted and part of a club.

However, news organizations called the race for Hillary Clinton based on support from superdelegates — establishment insiders such as party hacks and elected officials who pledged to vote for her instead of Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders.

Sanders says he believes a number of superdelegates are likely to change their minds due to the major string of recent victories the Senator has enjoyed.

“Clinton cannot win all the states we won, but we can beat Trump in every state we won and those that Clinton won,” Sanders said. “The superdelegates are seeing that it is clear that I am the only candidate that can defeat Trump in November.”

“I am remaining in this race until every last vote is counted,” Sanders said.

“Bernie’s got balls,” Trump said concerning the Vermont Senator’s determination to win over superdelegates.

“Apparently, I’m the only candidate in this race who is not using boobs or genitals for political gain,” he said.

Hillary: Major Announcement

clinton trump

NEW YORK – Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said she is in the final stages of adopting a campaign message.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to announce her message at a press conference before California primary voters hit the polls on June 7.

A recent Rasmussen report revealed the majority of likely General Election voters believe Clinton’s message is two part:

  1. “I’m running for president of the United States.”
  2. “Donald Trump is unfit to be president.”

“I’ve been supporting Hillary because she’s a woman,” said Marsha Rankin of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. “I am so excited to learn what her platform is. No matter what, I’m with her!”

Sources close to the Clinton campaign have hinted Clinton’s message will be threefold, aiming at the following issues.

  1. White Men Can’t Govern – Clinton is a firm believer that women are the stronger gender and that Caucasian men are “sexist, racist, and as seen on TV, stupid.” Clinton points out that her husband was the last white guy to have any sense at all and that he is expected to play an active role in the White House, far away from the interns.
  1. Bill Clinton Isn’t a Liability – Hillary will emphasize that her husband is not the “new Dan Quayle” and is totally capable of measuring curtains, cleaning bathrooms, and making the bed regardless with whom he last spent the night. Hillary will also rebut Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s mantra that she was an enabler to Mr. Clinton’s sexual escapades. “I take offense that Donald Trump calls me an enabler. That rhetoric clearly demonstrates that Trump is sexist as I didn’t need Bill’s help in ruining any bimbo’s life.”
  1. Vote for me and not Trump – Mrs. Clinton plans to send a clear and compelling message that she would make a great president and that Trump would not. “Donald Trump is a sexist, bigot, and LGBT-ahobe and I’m none of those,” she said. “I have proof. The American people just don’t have the stomach for the likes of Trump. I’m likable enough.”

While it’s not clear exactly when Mrs. Clinton will make the announcement, she plans to evade further debates with Senator Sanders in the interim.

Trump Revises Supreme Court Nominee List


trump victory signAfter taking heat for the eleven Supreme Court nominees Trump said he is considering to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Antonin Scalia, the billionaire threw out that list and created the following.

  1. Elizabeth Warren: “Forget my Twitter wars with Warren. That’s water down the tub. The Supreme Court has never had a transsexual on the bench, and I think it’s time we put one there. It’ll be fabulous.”
  1. Bernie Sanders: “The guy is doing a lot to help me beat Crooked Hillary and I think it’s only fair to give him some of the first fruits of my presidency. Besides, he’s a nut and I like that in a guy. Can you imagine what good reading his dissenting opinions will make? Another reason to bring on Bernie is that I don’t think it’s fair Ginsberg is the only justice on the bench in adult diapers. We need to balance that out.”
  1. Malia Obama: “Malia is a trendsetter, and I like that. I think all Supreme Court nominees should take a gap year to enjoy multiple vacations, stimulate cranial atrophy, and flaunt their wealth. This will prepare them for the many years of judicial service ahead of them and perhaps prevent on-the-bench senility like that drunk Justice Ginsberg obviously suffers.”
  1. Kim Kardashian: “It’s not going to be too long before Kim’s butt drops, her face sags, and she ends up a has-been. She’s going to need some employment as a result. So I think it would be terrific to have someone with a reality show background on the bench as she would bring a better understanding of how judicial decisions impact everyday people.”
  1. Barney Frank: “I’m not sure the Supreme Court has had a gay guy on the bench or not, but we could use one now. Former Congressman Frank always billed himself as a ‘left handed gay Jew’, which is great because I don’t think the court has had a whole lot of left handed justices either.”
  1. Mitt Romney: “All is fair in love and politics, so I don’t hold a grudge against Mitt’s misdirected campaign against me. America is a nation of diversity, which includes religious freedom. I’m proud to seriously consider Mitt as the first Moron to sit as a Supreme Court justice.” Editors note: While it is assumed Trump meant ‘Mormon’ rather than “Moron,” the presumptive Republican nominee could not be reached for clarification by press time.
  1. Hillary Clinton: “Believe or not, I think Hillary would make a great Justice. Anyone her age with bleach blond hair that wears those Ronald McDonald pantsuits has got to have some good horse sense when it comes to applying the rule of law. Besides, she will be the first sitting justice to be arrested, which would be a fabulous example to America’s children that you can’t run away from trouble. There ain’t no place that far. But if we do it right at the speed of light, there’s a motorcade for my car – caviar!”
  1. Ted Cruz: “Another shocker, I know. I’m sure the loony media will try to call me out on this one. But Lyin’ Ted would be a hugely wonderful addition on the Supreme Court because he will be able to quickly pick up on lying lawyers. That’s what lawyers are trained to do: lie. Sad.”
  1. Sadiq Khan: “The mayor of London has got more to say about America than all the political talking heads combined. Nowhere does it say a foreigner can’t be a Supreme Court justice, unless that’s the part Obama ripped out of the Constitution. So let’s put Genghis’s yapping glutes on the bench and see how much he knows. Besides, it’s good to keep your friends close and your Muslims closer. I’d rather have him in town when I’m president than overseas where he can more easily plan an attack on my performance.”
  1. Jesse Jackson: “The preacher doesn’t have a church, which makes him a RINO – a Reverend In Name Only. We need to find him some meaningful work as he represents so many constituencies that I will need for my reelection. For example, he’s the guy who came out supporting transgenderites in the first place back when he said he would cut Obama’s kahunas off for running against Hillary in ’08.”
  1. Megyn Kelly: “She’s a freaking know-it-all, but knowing it all isn’t a bad quality for a Supreme Court justices to have. She would make a perfect balance to that bumbling idiot Chief Justice John Roberts, who is an enabler to Obamacare and a very real threat to me dismantling that socialist healthcare law. People can afford their own insurance now, especially with minimum wage going up to $15 an hour.”

Nancy Pelosi: “Trump won’t be President”

 Pelosi bets Trump won't be elected president

Former Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes she can see the future.

On Kara Swisher’s “Recode” podcast, the California Democrat said, “You know what, it ain’t happening. Donald Trump is not going to be president of the United States. Take it to the bank. I guarantee it.”

Swisher asked Pelosi which bank she would recommend given that a number of financial institutions collapsed during Pelosi’s rule as House Speaker.

“You and I both know those failures were the result of Republican policies and the lack of transgendered bathrooms within banks,” Pelosi said.

Wiping a tear, Pelosi added, “I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard from constituents about being forced to go potty behind ATMs because of this.”

Turning the conversation back to the election, Pelosi said that all Republicans “are either sexists, bigots, or card carrying porn shop patrons.”

“Even before Trump came on the scene Congressional males like Speaker Ryan have long tolerated horrible statements… some of them worse than Donald Trump, without even commenting, because they get votes in conservative districts and backward states like Kentucky,” Pelosi continued.

Swisher asked the former House Speaker if her support for Clinton was based on the fact the candidate is a woman.

“Not at all,” Pelosi said. “You know, rumor has it Elizabeth Warren will be her running mate. Like most people, I have no clue if the senator is male or female. You can’t tell by looking at her. What really matters is that Trump is stopped.”

“You seem to be more anti-Trump than you are pro-Clinton, and I noticed you haven’t endorsed Hillary—why is that?” Swisher asked.

“Trusted sources close to the FBI investigation indicate Mrs. Clinton might be the presumptive arrestee,” she said. “Once she gets Warren on the ticket, however, I can make the endorsement as my bases will be covered.”

Moving from the candidate to the platform, Swisher asked Pelosi which of Mrs. Clinton’s policies she supports.

“I’m not sure—we have to elect Hillary to find out what’s in her policies,” Pelosi said.

Trump scoffed at Pelosi’s predication that he would not be elected.

“I think it’s safe to say the octogenarian’s crystal balls are dragging,” Trump said as he tweeted an insult about Elizabeth Warren while relieving himself behind a New York City ATM.

Hillary: Bill Clinton will serve with me



As Senator Bernie Sanders has mounted a serious threat to her candidacy, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said that if she were elected, her husband, former U.S. president Bill Clinton, would have a role in the White House.

During a rally in Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, Clinton announced the role she had in mind, ending speculation that Mr. Clinton would manage White House interns.

“I’m going to put my husband in charge of revitalizing the economy, cause you know he knows how to do it,” Clinton told supporters and hecklers.

Clinton made similar remarks earlier this month in Kentucky, a state where Bill Clinton remains popular among working class inbreds.

“I’ve told my husband he’s got to come out of the retirement closet and be in charge of this because you know he’s got more ideas a minute than anybody I know,” she said, while talking about manufacturing, jobs, and the adult film industry.

Over the course of the campaign, Clinton has repeatedly said she would seek her husband’s advice if she takes office, displaying a sheer lack of confidence in her own abilities.

Last month on ABC’s “The View,” she said, “I hope he’ll have a lot of involvement in starting the economy to really take off.”

View host Whoopi Goldberg asked Clinton if she was implying that President Obama damaged the economy.

“You know, Whoopi, I’m the reason gas prices fell to normal levels and Trump’s the reason they are rising,” Clinton replied. “We just can’t have a white guy in the Oval Office anymore, but we sure can use them as advisers and servants.”

Presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump laughed off Clinton’s announcement.

“Clearly Crooked Hillary is getting nervous as demonstrated by her evoking the ghost of Bill’s way back presidency,” Trump said. “The only job Bill is qualified to hold is Enabler in Chief, and Hillary knows that.”

Former President Bill Clinton could not be reached at press time as he was attending a fundraiser at a strip bar, according to his publicist.

Ryan: Trump Stirred Feelings In Me

Ryan Trump Tryin'

House Speaker and Presumptive Republican Nominee Trump Bond During Meeting

Washington—Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan held their highly anticipated meeting Thursday amid signals that the Republican Party will work to unite.

What some may consider a more interesting takeaway was Ryan’s shift in what he called “feelings” for Trump.

“We were honest about our few differences, but most importantly, we bonded over our similarities, to include our personal feelings,” Ryan said. “I’m not sure what has come over me. I have never felt this way about another man. I wish I could explain it better. I think whatever is stirring inside of me drove my initial resistance toward Trump. Perhaps I have contracted Trump appeal.”

Paul Ryan: Time, Love and Tenderness

Ryan, speaking with reporters during his weekly press briefing, sought to portray his personal and political openness to Trump, despite withholding what sources close to the speaker say will be his imminent endorsement.

“This is our first meeting, I was very encouraged, but this is a process,” Ryan said. “Because love is a process, and honey, love is love. It takes some time. You don’t put it together in 45 minutes any more than you would get married after the first date. However, I fully understand Democrats will hop in the sack minutes after meeting each other, which is why America is plagued with sexually transmitted diseases.”

Ryan Moves Closer to Trump’s Platform

The speaker called Trump’s achievement of earning more votes than any Republican candidate in history “really kind of unparalleled and somewhat sexy.” He added that perhaps this demonstrates Trump’s idea to keep Islamic terrorists out of the country is “not such a bad idea since we have enough people here anyway.”

Ryan said he hopes to channel the momentum for the presumptive nominee into support for a conservative agenda as well as a deep and meaningful relationship with the billionaire.

“The question is … how we unify it all?” Ryan said. “And where do broken hearts go? How do we keep adding and adding and adding voters while not subtracting any voters. Most Americans and London’s Islamic mayor do not like where this country is headed.”

Trump tweeted his thoughts during an act of marriage with his wife Melania as their plane taxied on the runway before taking off for New York, “Great day in D.C. with @SpeakerRyan and Republican leadership. Things working out really well! #MrsTrump’sRump.”

“I thought it was a great meeting,” Trump said in a Thursday evening Fox News interview with Sean Hannity. “Size does matter, by the way, just like Marco mentioned during the debates. Speaker Ryan’s ears are huge! And I like that.”

Trump suggested the two sides would eventually come together, even if that means they must come grooving up slowly.

Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton tweeted, “@realDonaldTrump has got to be a joker, he just do what he please.”