Pat The Cat Not Sure Which Litter Box To Use

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female’s Box

ROLLA, MISSOURI — As the national debate rages on about how equal rights should apply to the transgender community, a Siamese cat named Pat is wondering where he fits in.

“Pat the Cat,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is neutered. The McMillan family who lives in Rolla, Missouri rescued Pat from a shelter three years ago.

While tearing up the newspaper, Pat the Cat saw an article about whether transgendered high school students should be permitted to use whichever restroom or locker room they please.

Distracted by a bird that flew by the kitchen window, Pat the Cat left the shredded newspaper on the floor for the McMillans to clean up as he perched on the counter to watch his prey.

Pat is the only neutered pet of the McMillan’s five cats. The other cats consist of two males and two females, one of which is pregnant.

A few hours later, Pat had to pee. His tail erect, he made his way to the litter box underneath the stairs. Pat had gravitated toward that box since he was adopted, as did the other two male cats. The female cats typically used the litter box in the laundry room.

As he rounded the corner, it hit Pat like a whiff of catnip: Pat became super-aware that he no longer had some of his male parts.

Pat the Cat became confused.

“Pat began scratching at the door to go out like our dog Simon,” said Trey McMillan, Pat’s owner. “It took us awhile to catch on, but after watching Pat for a few days, we noticed he would not use his own litter box. He also started pacing back and forth in front of the girl cats’ litter box, so we called the vet.”

Rolla Animal Hospital referred the McMillans to a nearby pet psychologist who quickly determined Pat was suffering from an identity crisis.

“Because your cat is neutered, she feels that she is now a female, and therefore should be using the female litter box,” said Dr. Keaton.

“You mean ‘he’,” Mr. McMillan said, correcting the doctor.

“No, I meant ‘she’,” the doctor replied. “Your family needs to accept Pat’s change in life regardless of what her birth certificate says. Begin by referring to Pat as “her” and “she.” Have a talk with your family and the other cats about acceptance and love.

“We just didn’t know what we didn’t know,” McMillan told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Our family has always been very accepting of others, basically because we are spineless. But standing for nothing always got us by. Better to go with the flow than get your nose punched in.”

Holding back tears, Cooper told the McMillans that he too sometimes questions his identity and was proud of the family for being so tolerant of Pat the Cat’s life change.

While the McMillans quickly accepted Pat’s new identity, the other cats were not ready to do so.

Miffie, the pregnant cat, protested that if Pat were allowed to tinkle about the girl’s litter box, there would be nothing to prevent other male cats from doing the same.

“Devious tomcats will pretend they believe they are girl cats trapped inside male bodies so they can get access to our kittens,” she meowed.

The American Trans-Pussy Cat Association issued a statement rebuffing Miffie’s complaint.
“There is no evidence pointing to the fact that males will pretend to feel they are trans-pussies so they can get into kitties’ boxes,” the statement read. “The kind of hatred espoused by Miffie can no longer be tolerated.”

The Trans-Pussy lobby is supporting legislation that will mandate harsh criminal penalties for anyone who tries to keep male cats out of female pussycat facilities “under the guise of protecting mother cats and their young.”

Schumer wants Irish, Italian, and Indians on Travel Ban

Schumer calls for stronger travel ban

NEW YORK — A tearful Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is urging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Indian nationals to the U.S. Travel ban.

“It has long been an established fact that the Irish are boisterous drunks who often start barroom brawls,” Schumer said. “There can be no question that undocumented Irishmen significantly contribute to domestic terrorism.”

Schumer added that the Irish are often behind police corruption.

“Look at the police in New York City,” Schumer said. “Every time a Mc-something is in charge of the force, you can bet there is bribery and extortion going on somewhere. And, the Irish cannot be trusted. There is no question we have enough of those redheads in this country. We don’t need more.”

“Then you have those Italians,” Schumer added, bursting into song:

“DAY-GO, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY-GO….Dago comes, slaps his chick and goes home…If her brother’s upstate for about six to eight, that’s a dago….!”

Being brought back on queue by one of his staffers, Schumer cleared his throat and said, “When a guy’s name ends with a vowel, trouble is not far. Believe me, the mafia is alive and well, and I am certain the President will agree with me. Those Italians are nothing but trouble, what with their gangs, drug lords, and forcing honest Oriental merchants to pay protection money. These guys need to be thoroughly vetted and bathed a few times before we let them into our country!”

The Senate Minority Leader finally turned the conversation to Indians.

“Indians just look guilty,” Schumer said. “I’m not sure what it is they’ve done, but their faces give them away. Have you ever seen an Indian that doesn’t have that guilty look?”

“Besides, ever get stuck behind a clan of them at the farmers market?” Schumer asked. “They’re always bargaining, trying to get a better deal. It’s a silent but deadly attack on our economy. And why do they all have to go to the market together? For Pete’s sake, who is guarding the village?”

In closing, Schumer again encouraged President Trump to include the Irish, Italians, and Indians on the U.S. travel ban list, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.

Obama Orders Military to Offer Gay Merchandise


obama gay flag

WASHINGTON, D.C.— U.S. President Barack Obama ordered the armed forces to begin offering LGBTQ-sensitive civilian military merchandise—or face serious budget cuts. The measure goes into effect October 1, 2016.

By law, Mr. Obama is permitted to bypass the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate due to the Congressional summer recess if he identifies a state of emergency.

“Anytime any peaceful group’s civil rights are violated, a state of emergency is present,” Obama said. “It is wrong and discriminating that the LGBTQ community cannot enjoy military merchandise that reflects their sexual preferences, while others can enjoy stockpiling these items.”

Obama’s Executive Order covers, but is not limited to, bumper stickers, shirts, and hoodies. Furthermore, all action figures sold by the military must include extra sets of gender-specific clothing so that children can cross-dress soldiers, sailors, and marines. Due to logistical reasons, the military has until December 1 of this year to offer these items, which Obama says is critical to complete for the Christmas shopping season.

Following are a few examples in Mr. Obama’s order:

  • Items reflecting language such as “Proud Parent of A Soldier” must be complemented by an equal stock of items that say “Proud Parental Partner of A Soldier” or an equivalent.
  • “Proud Air Force Mom” must be matched up with “Proud Air Force Lesbian Parent” or an equivalent.
  • “I love my Marine” must be matched up with “My Partner and I love my Marine.”

U.S. Law requires a 30-day public-comment period regarding any change in language commanded by Presidential Executive Order relative to products sold by the military to civilians through an authorized independent 3rd party selected by the president. Public comment is non-binding, but will be given utmost consideration by the president.

Parties who wish to make comment should call the president’s public relations agency Sylvia Marketing & Public Relations at 610-323-3500, and ask for Ken Kilpatrick between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm EST, Monday through Friday.

San Francisco mayor bans city workers from traveling to North Carolina


Prancing out to the podium in a tight miniskirt that is sure to set the tone for this summer’s fashion, San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee said at a press conference  Friday he doesn’t want any city workers to travel to North Carolina unless it’s to purchase tax free sex toys. He said he was “a bit miffed” about North Carolina’s new legislation that limits patrons to using public restrooms designated for their gender.

“My loverboys and I are standing united as San Franciscans to condemn North Carolina’s new law that turns back the clock on protecting lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals and people who enjoy hooking up in turnpike restroom stalls,” Lee said.

“Effective immediately, I am directing City Departments to bar any publicly­-funded City employee travel to the State of North Carolina unless it’s for a same-sex orgy, tax free sex toy purchase or anything involving whips and leather.”

North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory signed a bill this week to void a Charlotte ordinance that would’ve allowed so-called transgendered restrooms although it would clearly have put small children at many levels of risk and potentially great harm.

McCrory signed the legislation Wednesday night that he said was “passed by a bipartisan majority to stop this breach of basic privacy and etiquette.”

Although 12 House Democrats joined all Republicans present in voting for the bill in the afternoon Wednesday, later all Senate Democrats in attendance walked off their chamber floor during the debate in protest and headed to capitol restrooms to make out with each other.

“We choose not to participate in this farce, because getting gay is natural, it’s beautiful, and it’s the true essence of love and life,” Senate Minority Leader Dan Blue of Raleigh said after he left the chamber.

Gay rights leaders , transgender people, and a pantyhosed Biker gang which calls itself “Sissies on Wheels”  said the legislation demonizes men who like to be naked with each other and espouses bogus claims about increasing the risk of sexual assaults. They say the law will deny lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people essential protections needed to ensure they can get a hotel room to make dirty internet movies, hail a taxi for a quickie around the block, or disappear underneath a table at a restaurant without fear.

“McCrory’s reckless decision to sign this appalling legislation into law is a direct attack on the rights, well ­being and dignity of hundreds of thousands of sexually perverted North Carolinians,” Human Rights Campaign President Chad Griffin said in a statement. Civil liberties groups pledged to push for repeal and were weighing legal options and trying out new fetish gear.

Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts, who pressed to get the “bathroom bill” approved, said she was appalled by the legislature’s actions, but admitted she “can’t get her eyes off a certain hot female republican senator” regardless of their clashing views.

“The General Assembly is on the wrong side of progress of showing God who is boss. It is on the wrong side of history, because there is nothing more thrilling than going to a gay disco and getting laid afterwards with your 20 closest friends,” Roberts said.

Lee applauded Roberts in his statement Friday for taking “steps at the local level to protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people from filthy heterosexuals who can tell us what a traditional family is supposed to look like. I also applaud Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed who hates Jesus Christ and is a champion for equality for all who rebel against God.”