Melania Trump Withdraws First Lady Nomination

President Trump’s nominee for First Lady, Melania Trump, withdrew from consideration Wednesday amid growing resistance from a national women’s group that finds beauty patently offensive.

The collapse of Melania’s nomination threw the White House into further turmoil just days after the resignation of Trump’s national security adviser, Michael Flynn. ­Flynn had is alleged to have spoken with the Russian ambassador last year about lifting U.S. sanctions and the latest deals at an American men’s clothier, Jos. A Bank.

Although Melania is technically President Trump’s wife, she has not yet been confirmed as First Lady by the Senate. Democrats had stalled the nomination process reportedly to allow Minority Chairman Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to complete his review of semi-pornographic photos featuring Mrs. Trump.

A statement from Mrs. Trump indicated “growing impatience with the Democratic Party’s intolerance toward women of decency who refuse to parade about in hats shaped like oversized female genitalia.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) shot back, “Mrs. Trump’s pompous disregard for and acceptance of American miscreants of all kinds has no place in today’s society.”

Warren, who said she was speaking both as both a female and a male, asserted that “Melania is totally unqualified to serve as the First Lady of the United States,” and suggested that “President Trump should provide the same level of thorough vetting for candidates for the Office of First Lady as he would for those of certain foreign zip codes who wish to migrate to America.”

President Trump took to twitter to respond to Senator Warren, tweeting that, “Big Chief Pocahontas must be smoke ’em the funny stuff peace pipe again. Sad.”

Warren and Trump have long been engaged in Twitter wars since the 2016 presidential campaign. Word in the Capitol has it that Warren’s mission in engaging with Trump was to deliver messages deemed by the DNC as too nasty for Candidate Hillary Clinton to articulate.

Not all Washington insiders agree with that assessment, however. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is rumored to have commented that “Warren and Trump’s Twitter wars have given the two a valve through which they can vent the angst of unrequited love and primal desire they have for each other.”

Dems ban God from Convention: Wasserman

wasserman schultz interviews with anderson cooper

Outgoing Democratic National Committee  Chairman Debbie Wasserman Shultz announced that all mentions of God will be banned at next week’s Convention.

“It’s time to settle the issue once and for all. The Democratic Party is a party of leadership, vision, and fresh ideas. Antiquated beliefs about God or references to the so-called Holy Bible have no place in our party, convention, and in fact, our great nation,” Wasserman Shultz said.

The Convention begins Monday in Philadelphia, Pa.  Democratic leadership will vote to set the rules of the convention at the onset of the event. Wasserman Shultz said an early polling of the group indicates overwhelming support for the ban.

“It’s important to note, we already have a packed lineup of speakers so we need to use our time wisely,” Wasserman Shultz said. “And, it’s critical that we focus on the issues to ensure Hillary Clinton is elected the next president of the United States and, just as importantly, Donald Trump is not. The convention is hardly the right place to play church.”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper pressed Wasserman Shultz for the motive behind the move.

“I’m not saying that I disagree with you as I think that if there is a God it would be a ‘she,’” Cooper said. “But it seems to me you are putting a lot of emphasis on this issue the day after Trump outlined his aggressive, and quite frankly, rather well thought plan for America should he be elected.”

“The bottom line, Anderson, is there is no God,” said Wasserman Schultz. “For example, when my husband and I decided to have children, we tore off our clothes, hopped into bed, and made babies. I can tell you up front, we’re not into threesomes, so there was no God there to help us out. The convention is not a place to foster fairy tales.”

“I can relate somewhat to what you’re saying although as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “And I know that LGBTQ issues will be at the forefront of the convention.”

“They sure will be, Anderson,” Wasserman Schultz said. “And to your point about being gay, if there was a God, you and your partner would be able to have a baby just by praying for one.”

Wasserman said that just prior to the convention, an offsite Bible burning will take place in the parking lot of nearby Lincoln Field. Nightly séances will be held, culminating in a Thursday night orgy after Secretary Clinton accepts her party’s nomination.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Aerosmith’s Joey Kramer for the idea for this piece!