Brokaw on Millennials: Dumbest Generation

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In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

  • Water comes from bottles
  • Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art
  • People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects
  • The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future 

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Dems ban God from Convention: Wasserman

wasserman schultz interviews with anderson cooper

Outgoing Democratic National Committee  Chairman Debbie Wasserman Shultz announced that all mentions of God will be banned at next week’s Convention.

“It’s time to settle the issue once and for all. The Democratic Party is a party of leadership, vision, and fresh ideas. Antiquated beliefs about God or references to the so-called Holy Bible have no place in our party, convention, and in fact, our great nation,” Wasserman Shultz said.

The Convention begins Monday in Philadelphia, Pa.  Democratic leadership will vote to set the rules of the convention at the onset of the event. Wasserman Shultz said an early polling of the group indicates overwhelming support for the ban.

“It’s important to note, we already have a packed lineup of speakers so we need to use our time wisely,” Wasserman Shultz said. “And, it’s critical that we focus on the issues to ensure Hillary Clinton is elected the next president of the United States and, just as importantly, Donald Trump is not. The convention is hardly the right place to play church.”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper pressed Wasserman Shultz for the motive behind the move.

“I’m not saying that I disagree with you as I think that if there is a God it would be a ‘she,’” Cooper said. “But it seems to me you are putting a lot of emphasis on this issue the day after Trump outlined his aggressive, and quite frankly, rather well thought plan for America should he be elected.”

“The bottom line, Anderson, is there is no God,” said Wasserman Schultz. “For example, when my husband and I decided to have children, we tore off our clothes, hopped into bed, and made babies. I can tell you up front, we’re not into threesomes, so there was no God there to help us out. The convention is not a place to foster fairy tales.”

“I can relate somewhat to what you’re saying although as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “And I know that LGBTQ issues will be at the forefront of the convention.”

“They sure will be, Anderson,” Wasserman Schultz said. “And to your point about being gay, if there was a God, you and your partner would be able to have a baby just by praying for one.”

Wasserman said that just prior to the convention, an offsite Bible burning will take place in the parking lot of nearby Lincoln Field. Nightly séances will be held, culminating in a Thursday night orgy after Secretary Clinton accepts her party’s nomination.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Aerosmith’s Joey Kramer for the idea for this piece!