United Airlines: Doctors Overbook Too!

Earlier this week, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz praised his staff for its involvement in forcibly removing a passenger due to the airline overbooking a flight. After an outcry across social media and a 4% drop in United’s stock value, Munoz feigned an apology to the passenger, Dr. David Dao.

“Karma is a you-know-what,” Munoz said in his apology. “Doctors overbook patients all the time, sometimes 5 or more a shot. Dr. Dao got a taste of his own medicine and now the poor baby is acting like he had an overdose.”

Regardless, United faces a P.R. crisis. Munoz is alleged to have initiated marathon discussions with his public relations team to plan how to better manage any necessary physical abuse of customers. The P.R. team is said to have quickly churned out new policies that United will immediately implement.

A press release detailed those policies as follows:

  1. United Will Continue To Overbook Doctors – Doctors always overbook patients, jamming up their waiting rooms.  “Passengers like Dr. David Dao should just shut up and take it when it’s their turn to feel what it’s like to suffer at the hand of overbooking,” Munoz said.
  1. Customers Will Be Reminded To Prepare For Overbooking – United will update its website and marketing materials to remind customers that United’s needs come first. After all, the airplanes belong to us, not the blokes who ride them. Customers who are selected for “re-accommodation” are expected to comply in an orderly and cheerful manner or bras will be snapped and knickers wedged.
  1. Customers Who Refuse To Comply With Re-Accommodation Will Receive An Initial Verbal Warning – United believes in providing customers every opportunity to peacefully re-accommodate to help United meet its needs. United employees are empowered to choose what level of verbal warning they need implement to help customers get the point. Verbal warnings may range from politely requesting customers to sacrifice their seats to more aggressively reminding them that their lives are equal to useless bags of infectious waste and they need to relinquish their seats to more important people.
  1. United Reserves The Right To Cane Non-Compliant Customers – Caning is an acceptable form of discipline in a number of countries. It serves two purposes: First, it typically brings rebellious customers into compliance. Second, it helps other customers to think twice should they be fortunate enough to be offered re-accommodation at some point. All United employees who interact with customers will receive United Caning Training ™ and will be provided whipping canes to use at their discretion.
  1. Totally Belligerent And Non-Compliant Customers Will Be Banned From Future Flights – At United, we believe people simply do not change. Customers who become belligerent and totally refuse to work with our re-accommodation specialists will be placed on United’s No-Fly List as well as referred to the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for further harassment and abuse.

“United is the nation’s top airline for a reason,” said Munoz. “Customers who think they know how to operate an airline better than we do can just walk to their next destination. We don’t need, nor do we want their business, with the exception of the checked bag and inflated beverage fees we charge.”

Republicans Riot over Trump’s Appointee

republican protestsrp

President-elect Donald Trump announced Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), will be his chief of staff.

“Dammit to hell!” Walter Hitchcock, a Pennsylvania-based Trump supporter said at a recent press conference. “We elected Trump because we hate Hillary’s guts and because we’re sick of the establishment. Reince is totally emblematic of the establishment. He hung out with the Bush family and Senator Lindsey Graham. Probably also hung out in a few fag bars, if you know what I mean. Just look at the guy.”

“Might as well call him ‘Reince the gay prince’ if you ask me,” Hitchcock added, spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.

Hitchcock and other middle-class Republicans took to suburban housing developments and upscale shopping centers in sometimes violent riots. In Hitchcock’s hometown of Wyomissing, PA, rioters smashed windows at a local mall complex, vandalized cars in the parking lot, and threw Starbucks latte cups at police.

“Many of us feel disenfranchised and betrayed,” Bob Watson, Grand Dragon of the North Carolina-based Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and owner of a national brokerage firm said. “It is inconceivable that our President-elect would yield to the establishment, appointing one of their own to the highest post in his administration. What’s next, Governor Christie for Attorney General?”

CEOs in corporate campuses throughout the United States are providing safe spaces complete with puppies and coloring books for executives who are mourning the appointment.

To date, neither President Obama nor President-elect Trump have stepped forward to ask Republicans to stop the violence and to protest peacefully.

 

Paul McCartney Sues Pokémon GO

Abbey Road Pokemon Go

Paul McCartney is suing the makers of Pokemon Go

Sir Paul McCartney has filed a lawsuit against the creators of Pokémon GO. The musician claims the game’s concept was stolen from the Beatles.

Pokémon Go is a location-based augmented reality game developed by Niantic.

In a nutshell, players chase virtual creatures they see while staring into their their smartphones. While the phones might be smart, the players typically are not. This is due to several reasons:

  1. People who play games such as Pokémon Go have no life and nothing better to do.
  2. Players lose all sense of their surroundings as they stare into their device.
  3. Many players have fallen into ditches, stepped into piles of dog poop, and have snagged their private parts on all kinds of inanimate objects while engrossed in the game.

Stupidity appears to be a lucrative market segment as Pokémon Go has more than 100 million downloads.

“It’s clearly evident that the makers of Pokémon Go stole the concept of the game from the Beatles,” McCartney said.

“First, we have exhibit A, the Abbey Road album cover,” McCartney said in his lawsuit brief. “The cover shows the band wandering aimlessly across Abbey Road, not paying attention to our surroundings.”

“Exhibit B holds our mantra of ‘peace, pot, and microdots’,” McCartney said. “This represents the period when we delved into drugs, particularly psychotropic hallucinogenic substances. The late John Lennon described our acid trips during which we would hallucinate virtual creatures and the like. We’d get so incredibly high we’d see little creatures and follow them into magical kingdoms throughout the netherworld. The creators of Pokémon Go stole those concepts John shared.”

“Exhibit C reveals our hit song “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds,” McCartney continued. “The lyrics are very telling and describe what goes on in a braindead Pokémon Go player’s head.”

“For example consider these lyrics:”

Newspaper taxis appear on the shore
Waiting to take you away
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds
And you’re gone.

“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds abbreviated is LSD,” McCartney said. “The point to our lyrics is that someone on an acid trip winds up in a virtual world chasing things that aren’t really there, making himself look like a donkey’s bottom to all around him. And people who play Pokémon Go fit that bill all the way down to their knickers.”

McCartney Appeals to Pokémon Go Players 

In addition to the lawsuit, McCartney has directly appealed to those who play Pokémon Go.

“We are asking you not to participate in this silly game,” he said. “Doing so only supports corporate greed…greed that is fed by stealing others’ ideas and work. And we know corporate greed results in buying political favors. And corporately-funded politicians often start wars.”

“All we are saying, is give peace a chance.”

Helping Companies Cater to Millennials

 

Pollack, centered, is flanked by a few millennials

“Millennial Workplace Expert” Lindsey Pollak has launched a startup whose mission is to help experienced executives to better understand and cater to younger workers.

In a recent Wall Street Journal interview, Pollack said the most important step employers must take is to simply lower their expectations of millennials.

“This is a new generation that is used to zero accountability, and companies need to embrace that,” Pollack said. “Corporate managers and business owners will experience greater job satisfaction and less disappointment if they don’t expect much from this unique subculture in the first place.”

Pollack says once companies adjust their expectations, they should employ the following techniques to maximize their enjoyment of what some call the “Dumbest Generation.”

Understand you are the Problem, Not the Millennial

“Millennials are a special, gifted generation unlike any before,” said the 41-year-old Pollack who refers to herself as a ‘proud Gen-Xer.’

“They have amassed an incredible amount of knowledge in a short time from Xbox, Facebook, and exchanging nude selfies on Snapchat,” she continued. “Those interactions alone trump corporate managers’ years of study, training, and career experience. We can learn so much from them.”

Pollack later apologized for using the word “trump” as it might offend millennials whom she says all support Bernie Sanders.

“The old ways of doing business, earning profits, and making deals are child’s play compared to what millennials bring to the table,” she said. “If you feel you are not benefiting from the millennials you have on staff, you need to look in the mirror.”

Pollack said frequent naps, smoothie breaks, and personal social media engagements on company time are just a few of a millennial’s favorite things that add value to a business’s bottom line.

“Managers and employers need to concede to millennials’ way of working,” she added. “Remember, you old people come from an era of workplace violence and going postal. Millennials are too distracted to waste time hating on anyone. Learn from them.”

Be a Friend, not a Boss

Pollack says she fully understands the need for corporate hierarchy to a degree, but that requiring millennials to report to anyone over the age of 29 does more harm than good.

“The best workaround for this situation is to become friends with your millennial employees,” she said. “Help them pick out their next tattoo. Buy them naptime pillows with a personally embroidered message in emojis that show you care. Purchase a ping pong table and play a few matches each day during work hours.”

“Just be sure to let them win,” she added.

Time, Love, and Tenderness

“Time, love, and tenderness” is an 80s hit that aging employers would recognize although their millennial counterparts likely won’t,” Pollack joked. “But those elements are critical.”

“Relative to time, millennials don’t relate to time,” she pointed out. “Do not give them grief for coming in late or packing up 15 minutes before the day’s end.”

Love is also a major factor, she continued.

“It takes a village to mother a Millennial,” Pollack said. “Nurture them as if they were your own children and give them praise even when they cost you business. This is a fragile generation and it is your responsibility not to hurt their feelings.”

And tenderness, she says, is the name of the game.

“There’s so much rhetoric about ending political correctness these days, which is the wrong way to go,” said Pollack. “Always mince words, beat around the bush, and be patient enough to let the millennial come to the right conclusion about anything they do wrong.”

“Handle them with care or you will get a well-deserved lawsuit for hurting the wrong millennial’s feelings,” she concluded.

The Wall Street Journal mentioned in Pollack’s article that more than 400 LinkedIn users list themselves as a “millennial expert” or “millennial consultant.”

The U.S. Department of Labor, however, classifies them as “unemployed hopefuls.”

“These are the same clowns who previously called themselves ‘community activists.’ After that it was ‘storyteller.’ And now these evaders of real jobs are suddenly millennial experts and consultants,” said U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez.

“Cut me a break,” he said, rolling his eyes.

 

Eliminating Workplace Toxicity

toxic peanuts

Workplace toxicity can train-wreck employee productivity and ultimately affect the bottom line. Employees who are present in the body, but emotionally elsewhere because of stress, cost companies more in worker productivity than do workers who play hooky.

A study conducted by Willis Towers Watson revealed a stressed-out work environment costs small and midsized businesses an average of 12.4 days of productivity each year per affected employee. This equates to annual $300 billion, the report said.

“I don’t see how that’s possible given that we only sell about $2 million dollars per year,” questioned Ronald Walheim, President of Walheim’s Carpets in Ashland City, Tennessee.

“We treat our employees like they deserve to be treated, which ain’t all that bad half the time. But it don’t cost us no $300 billion, dang lying cheese ball consultants.”

Walheim’s Carpets has been serving area customers for 22 years.

Walheim says that despite the differences between the Willis Towers Watson report and his views, Walheim’s Carpets has no problem retaining employees for as long as they’re useful.

“Most of our twelve workers have been with the company for at least six months,” Walheim said. “That’s a pretty doggone good track record if you ask me.”

To help other businesses enjoy the same successes, Walheim suggests five key tactics to maintain a nontoxic work environment that benefits the company and its bottom line.

Keep your Enemies Close, your Employees Closer

Walheim suggests keeping close tabs on your employees is essential to success. He says 10-12 hour workdays and an unpaid ½ hour lunch will ensure employees remain loyal, honest, and controllable.

“The good Lord gives each of us so much energy a day, so it’s best to make sure employees use that energy at work,” said Walheim. “Besides, workin’ ‘em from sun up till sundown ensures they get no time to go a-job huntin’. Rascals will hop to another job for another quarter an hour if you let ‘em.”

Offer Employee Assistance

The Willis Tower Watson study revealed that stress and depression are the leading factors in draining productivity. Anxiety over personal finances is cited as an equal threat.

The study suggests helping workers to address these factors can improve employer/employee relationships and can maximize productivity.

A common strategy for helping distressed or substance-abusing workers is to provide an employee assistance program (EAP). Such programs offer employees resources such as therapy, financial management training, and career and life guidance.

Walheim’s Carpets has developed a unique approach to helping employees cope with underlying stressors:

“What we do is sit employees down on their own time and help them navigate Google to find where they can get the help they need at a price they can afford,” said Walheim.

When asked if the company financially contributes to helping its employees, Walheim said, “Not a chance! It ain’t our fault if they can’t put up with a little bit of hard work. And we’re certainly not going to bail anyone out who gets himself hooked on drugs or booze.”

Ironically, Walheim crushed his third can of Old Milwaukee as his digital clock rolled into 10:30 a.m. When we pointed it out he replied, “It’s happy hour somewheres.”

Enforce Mandatory Vacation Time

Walheim said that everybody needs a little time away and that in so doing, employees will return refreshed and ready to work.

“We require our employees to take unpaid time off when my family goes on vacation, two weeks in August and between Christmas and New Year’s,” said Walheim.

“That way, we don’t have to worry about them stealing from us or chasing away any customers,” he continued. “And the beauty of it is that they get a little fresh air so they can come back and work even harder than before.”

Aggressively Monitor Employees’ Social Media Activities

One good way to maintain low turnover is to keep a close eye on employees’ social media accounts, Walheim advises.

“We require our employees to friend us on Facebook, connect with us on LinkedIn, and we follow them on Twitter,” he said. “That way we can look for signs of employees trying to find another job or making fun of the boss. If we suspect that they are trying to leave, we just make them work longer hours including weekends. That benefits both parties as we don’t pay these people no time-and-a-half.”

Walheim says that the best time to connect with employees is when you offer them the job.

“I recommend making it a term of employment or they can go elsewhere,” he said.

Discipline Employees Accordingly

Walheim believes that discipline makes employees stronger and thus provides a more profitable company.

“Nobody likes to give out discipline unless he’s some kind of sicko, but sometimes you just have to,” he said. “As long as it’s done out of love and concern, then it’s proper.”

Walheim says the first step should be to slam the employee up against the wall and “look ‘em in the eye and tell ‘em you mean business.”

“It’s tough love, but most of the time, it works,” he said.

We asked Walheim what happens when shoving the employee against a wall doesn’t work.

“Four outta five Tennessee dentists recommend knocking the gnarly rodent’s teeth out when you gotta,” he said. “And let me tell you, our local dentist ain’t ever hurting for business.”

Trusted sources told us that Walheim’s Carpets was under a joint investigation by the Tennessee Department of Labor & Workforce Development and the County Sherriff’s Office.

Officials in both agencies said they would neither confirm nor deny an investigation was under way, but conceded that some of Walheim’s suggestions “aren’t altogether bad.”

Peerless Solutions Goes to the Cloud Like Everyone Else

 

cloud

Peerless Solutions announced today that it has gone to the cloud.

Flanked by C-Level staff and company sycophants, Peerless CEO Marvin Lipperman remarked, “This is truly a monumental milestone in our company’s history.  We wanted to make this occasion a press event so we can show the business community that we have moved to the cloud like everyone else.”

The company’s logo and its motto, “Me Too!” proudly adorned the backdrop behind Lipperman. Peerless Solutions’ orange logo consisted of the company’s initials, PS, within a sphere and under an arch, much like a lot of other business’s logos.  Freelance graphic designers and those who sell their services on the99designs website organized in 2010 to create a “standard of standards” to ensure equity and mediocrity throughout the industry. After companies across the world adopted logos that virtually mirrored each other, Peerless initiated the bold move of doing the same.

Lipperman said that his team’s strategy of moving into the cloud further demonstrates Peerless’s commitment to being like everyone else while claiming innovation.

“People like predictability and routines,” Lipperman said to a cheering crowd of subordinates. “Peerless is committed to coloring within the lines and ensuring sustainability to that which was once new and innovative.”

There is no question that Peerless excels at fitting in. In 2011, the company sent out a mass mailer that it was going green, a move executives thought was important after years of watching other organizations grandstand about their commitment to the environment.

Launching its move to the cloud, Peerless has opened accounts with Dropbox, Google Docs, and MailChimp. Executives plan to drive to Barnes & Noble to seek Dummies books to better understand the benefits of each of these applications.

“We’re not just in the cloud—we’re squeezing the Charmin!” Lipperman said as his underlings rose to a standing ovation.

During his closing remarks, Lipperman announced the company would discontinue its practice of awarding retiring executives gold watches and instead give them Fitbit wristbands.

“This move will both demonstrate our commitment to being a healthy company, which we embarked upon last year after noticing many other businesses doing the same, as well as promote a product that everyone is buying,” Lipperman said.  “Our next goal is to create a corporate Myspace page.”