NFL Players to Honor LGBT Community on Both Knees

Following the widespread media coverage pro athletes throughout the NFL attracted over the past few weeks, free agent Colin Kaepernick is calling on players to once again “take a knee” — this time in support of the LGBTQ community.

“I am calling on every NFL player, coach, and team player to get on both knees and lock arms during the national anthem in support of the LGBTQ community,” Kaepernick said at a press conference in San Francisco.

The press event was held at “The Stud,” a five-star gay nightclub, which the birthplace of the legendary drag show “Trannyshack.”

During the press conference, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Kaepernick what motivated him to call on players to stand behind the LGBTQ community.

“I’m not taking any homophobic heckling in the form of questions until I am done speaking, so why don’t you sit down and shut up?” Kaepernick quipped.

“Excuse me, sir, but I happen to be a celebrated gay man and Gloria Vanderbilt’s son, so not only am I gay, I grew up surrounded by the world’s most refined homosexual and lesbian role models of our time,” Cooper said.

“Sorry man, I was just trying to imitate President Trump, but I guess you just didn’t get the joke,” Kaepernick said. “But you asked a fantastic question. Really terrific. The reason why I am calling on everyone to take both knees and lock arms to support gay guys like you is simple: I got a real kick out of watching everyone follow my legacy over the past few weeks. I mean, people are like sheep. They really do have that herd mentality, and nobody wants to be on the outside, you know?”

“So, I’m going for the gays,” Kaepernick continued. “They are like the hot trend right now. Everybody is either gay or wants to be gay. It’s the in thing. Or, on a good night, the in and out thing.”

“And when you think about it, the gay man has been oppressed for too long,” Kaepernick continued. “It’s time someone knelt down and did something nice for him…and I don’t mean in the way he’s used to having that done. Anderson, can you imagine on Sunday, you’re spooning with your partner, or whatever you are calling each other these days, and you see all these NFL people on their knees in your honor?”

Oh I like it, like it, like it,” Cooper shouted out with glee.

“What a funky lady!” Kaepernick responded, hip-bumping Anderson.

“Colin, I’d like to make a special request, if I may,” Cooper said. “I love the idea of taking a knee, especially since two knees will be involved. But could we also add ‘take a shower?’ I would love if everyone would just do another encore after the game by kneeling and locking arms in the shower. I promise to give the guys special coverage.”

Sources close to Kaepernick indicate the quarterback ran from the press conference, gripping his hair, muttering repeatedly, “God help me, what have I done?”

Pat The Cat Not Sure Which Litter Box To Use

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female’s Box

ROLLA, MISSOURI — As the national debate rages on about how equal rights should apply to the transgender community, a Siamese cat named Pat is wondering where he fits in.

“Pat the Cat,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is neutered. The McMillan family who lives in Rolla, Missouri rescued Pat from a shelter three years ago.

While tearing up the newspaper, Pat the Cat saw an article about whether transgendered high school students should be permitted to use whichever restroom or locker room they please.

Distracted by a bird that flew by the kitchen window, Pat the Cat left the shredded newspaper on the floor for the McMillans to clean up as he perched on the counter to watch his prey.

Pat is the only neutered pet of the McMillan’s five cats. The other cats consist of two males and two females, one of which is pregnant.

A few hours later, Pat had to pee. His tail erect, he made his way to the litter box underneath the stairs. Pat had gravitated toward that box since he was adopted, as did the other two male cats. The female cats typically used the litter box in the laundry room.

As he rounded the corner, it hit Pat like a whiff of catnip: Pat became super-aware that he no longer had some of his male parts.

Pat the Cat became confused.

“Pat began scratching at the door to go out like our dog Simon,” said Trey McMillan, Pat’s owner. “It took us awhile to catch on, but after watching Pat for a few days, we noticed he would not use his own litter box. He also started pacing back and forth in front of the girl cats’ litter box, so we called the vet.”

Rolla Animal Hospital referred the McMillans to a nearby pet psychologist who quickly determined Pat was suffering from an identity crisis.

“Because your cat is neutered, she feels that she is now a female, and therefore should be using the female litter box,” said Dr. Keaton.

“You mean ‘he’,” Mr. McMillan said, correcting the doctor.

“No, I meant ‘she’,” the doctor replied. “Your family needs to accept Pat’s change in life regardless of what her birth certificate says. Begin by referring to Pat as “her” and “she.” Have a talk with your family and the other cats about acceptance and love.

“We just didn’t know what we didn’t know,” McMillan told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Our family has always been very accepting of others, basically because we are spineless. But standing for nothing always got us by. Better to go with the flow than get your nose punched in.”

Holding back tears, Cooper told the McMillans that he too sometimes questions his identity and was proud of the family for being so tolerant of Pat the Cat’s life change.

While the McMillans quickly accepted Pat’s new identity, the other cats were not ready to do so.

Miffie, the pregnant cat, protested that if Pat were allowed to tinkle about the girl’s litter box, there would be nothing to prevent other male cats from doing the same.

“Devious tomcats will pretend they believe they are girl cats trapped inside male bodies so they can get access to our kittens,” she meowed.

The American Trans-Pussy Cat Association issued a statement rebuffing Miffie’s complaint.
“There is no evidence pointing to the fact that males will pretend to feel they are trans-pussies so they can get into kitties’ boxes,” the statement read. “The kind of hatred espoused by Miffie can no longer be tolerated.”

The Trans-Pussy lobby is supporting legislation that will mandate harsh criminal penalties for anyone who tries to keep male cats out of female pussycat facilities “under the guise of protecting mother cats and their young.”

Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

Clinton: Trump Will Be A Great President

Former Opponent Says Trump Won Election "Fair and Square"

Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”

“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”

“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”

Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.

“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”

“You don’t say,” Cooper said.

“I do say,” Clinton said.

“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”

Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.

“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.

“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”

“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”

“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”

Clinton: I still Menstruate

Former Presidential Candidate Hints "It's Not Over 'Til It's Over"

Clinton announces she still menstruates

Former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has a message for Americans: “I still menstruate.”

“It’s like clockwork, every 28 days on the button and usually lasts four or five days,” Clinton told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “And Lord help Trump if it happens during his inauguration. I’ll scratch his eyes out.”

“Can’t we talk about something else?” Cooper asked, wincing.

“Anderson, as an openly and boisterously gay man, one would think you would be more sensitive to issues females endure,” Clinton said.

“It’s not that I am insensitive. The topic is just a painful reminder that I was born with boy parts when inside I’m a lady,” Cooper replied, apparently holding back tears. “But enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. Why the topic of menstruation?”

“Trump and the Russians have painted me in every conceivable negative way, even going so far as to calling me ‘Granny Clinton,’” Clinton said. “This was a purposeful attack to cause a schism between me and a younger generation of voters as it implies I no longer menstruate.”

“Well, the fact is, I still get my period. I still have mood swings as a result. Sometimes it comes on like a flood without warning. A prime example would be when I returned to one of the Democratic debates later than my male counterparts. I understand the challenges of being a professional lady aiming to break glass ceilings while trying to balance tampons and talking points,” Clinton said.

“So at the end of the day, it’s all about equality,” Clinton continued. “Though I did not win the presidency,  I will continue to fight for women to enjoy equal pay. That includes paid time off due to nasty menstrual cramps. Women have been exploited long enough, having to make up excuses when nature knocks. Well, I say enough is enough. We are going to put this issue to bed.”

“Speaking of bed and your ability to maintain youthful functions, will there perhaps be a baby Clinton crawling around now that you and Bill have been spending quality time alone in the romantic woodlands of Chappaqua?” Cooper asked.

“Not on my end. I’m done having babies although I cannot speak for Bill,” Clinton said.

“Hillary, one of the most shocking things about your loss is that younger women did not come out for you as expected,” Cooper said. “Analysts point out that you failed to connect not only with millennial women, but you also did not connect with suburban soccer moms. So could the reason that you are opening up about the fact that you still menstruate have anything to do with plans to run again in 2020?”

“You know, Anderson, I did win the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes,” Clinton said. “I’m not ruling anything out. But whatever I decide to do, I want American women to know that no matter what, I’m staying in this fight for them.”

“Not only would I bleed for them, I will bleed with them,” Clinton said.

CNN Won’t Endorse Trump

CNN Trump

CNN President Jeff Zucker announced the Cable News Network will not endorse Donald Trump for U.S. President.

Zucker stopped short of indicating whether CNN will endorse Hillary Clinton.

The news came as a surprise to CNN insiders, political analysts, and viewers.

“I am disappointed in our decision not to endorse Trump,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said. “I met a lot of gay men at the Republican Convention and had a few wild nights back at the hotel as a result. That would never have happened if one of the establishment Republicans The Donald wiped out were the nominee.”

“Most of all, I was deeply moved when Trump addressed the LGBTQ community,” Cooper continued. “And to be honest, I wept with joy when PayPal founder Peter Thiel spoke. I wouldn’t do him personally, but I was moved to see a flaming homosexual at the podium put another crack in the pink ceiling.”

Trump himself seemed taken back by the announcement.

“Here we go again, more media corruption from the top,” Trump said. “But what the hell does their endorsement mean when they give me all the coverage I want? I could moon someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and CNN would still cover me.”

CNN veteran Wolf Blitzer was also stunned at the announcement.

“Donald is a decent man regardless of how I spin my work against him,” Blitzer said. “He has never made fun of my hideous eyeglasses, and I get a kick out of his grandchildren playing with my beard.”

A response from the Clinton campaign revealed jubilance.

“Knowing CNN will not endorse Trump is, in his own words, ‘huge’,” the statement from the campaign said. “We believe this will result in fairer and balanced coverage, which will be advantageous in helping people see Mrs. Clinton in a more positive light. She’s really not a bad person, all things considered.”

Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly said he believes CNN never intended to endorse Trump. Zucker declined an invitation to discuss the issue on the O’Reilly Factor.

“It’s nothing political, I just can’t stand Irish skirt chasers,” Zucker’s rejection letter said.

O’Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment.

“A guy my age has no time for one-liners and the motions of courtship,” O’Reilly said. “Zucker can take his Grey Poupon and shove it up his you-know-what.”