Melania Trump Withdraws First Lady Nomination

President Trump’s nominee for First Lady, Melania Trump, withdrew from consideration Wednesday amid growing resistance from a national women’s group that finds beauty patently offensive.

The collapse of Melania’s nomination threw the White House into further turmoil just days after the resignation of Trump’s national security adviser, Michael Flynn. ­Flynn had is alleged to have spoken with the Russian ambassador last year about lifting U.S. sanctions and the latest deals at an American men’s clothier, Jos. A Bank.

Although Melania is technically President Trump’s wife, she has not yet been confirmed as First Lady by the Senate. Democrats had stalled the nomination process reportedly to allow Minority Chairman Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to complete his review of semi-pornographic photos featuring Mrs. Trump.

A statement from Mrs. Trump indicated “growing impatience with the Democratic Party’s intolerance toward women of decency who refuse to parade about in hats shaped like oversized female genitalia.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) shot back, “Mrs. Trump’s pompous disregard for and acceptance of American miscreants of all kinds has no place in today’s society.”

Warren, who said she was speaking both as both a female and a male, asserted that “Melania is totally unqualified to serve as the First Lady of the United States,” and suggested that “President Trump should provide the same level of thorough vetting for candidates for the Office of First Lady as he would for those of certain foreign zip codes who wish to migrate to America.”

President Trump took to twitter to respond to Senator Warren, tweeting that, “Big Chief Pocahontas must be smoke ’em the funny stuff peace pipe again. Sad.”

Warren and Trump have long been engaged in Twitter wars since the 2016 presidential campaign. Word in the Capitol has it that Warren’s mission in engaging with Trump was to deliver messages deemed by the DNC as too nasty for Candidate Hillary Clinton to articulate.

Not all Washington insiders agree with that assessment, however. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is rumored to have commented that “Warren and Trump’s Twitter wars have given the two a valve through which they can vent the angst of unrequited love and primal desire they have for each other.”

Schumer wants Irish, Italian, and Indians on Travel Ban

Schumer calls for stronger travel ban

NEW YORK — A tearful Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is urging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Indian nationals to the U.S. Travel ban.

“It has long been an established fact that the Irish are boisterous drunks who often start barroom brawls,” Schumer said. “There can be no question that undocumented Irishmen significantly contribute to domestic terrorism.”

Schumer added that the Irish are often behind police corruption.

“Look at the police in New York City,” Schumer said. “Every time a Mc-something is in charge of the force, you can bet there is bribery and extortion going on somewhere. And, the Irish cannot be trusted. There is no question we have enough of those redheads in this country. We don’t need more.”

“Then you have those Italians,” Schumer added, bursting into song:

“DAY-GO, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY-GO….Dago comes, slaps his chick and goes home…If her brother’s upstate for about six to eight, that’s a dago….!”

Being brought back on queue by one of his staffers, Schumer cleared his throat and said, “When a guy’s name ends with a vowel, trouble is not far. Believe me, the mafia is alive and well, and I am certain the President will agree with me. Those Italians are nothing but trouble, what with their gangs, drug lords, and forcing honest Oriental merchants to pay protection money. These guys need to be thoroughly vetted and bathed a few times before we let them into our country!”

The Senate Minority Leader finally turned the conversation to Indians.

“Indians just look guilty,” Schumer said. “I’m not sure what it is they’ve done, but their faces give them away. Have you ever seen an Indian that doesn’t have that guilty look?”

“Besides, ever get stuck behind a clan of them at the farmers market?” Schumer asked. “They’re always bargaining, trying to get a better deal. It’s a silent but deadly attack on our economy. And why do they all have to go to the market together? For Pete’s sake, who is guarding the village?”

In closing, Schumer again encouraged President Trump to include the Irish, Italians, and Indians on the U.S. travel ban list, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.