Republicans Riot over Trump’s Appointee

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President-elect Donald Trump announced Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), will be his chief of staff.

“Dammit to hell!” Walter Hitchcock, a Pennsylvania-based Trump supporter said at a recent press conference. “We elected Trump because we hate Hillary’s guts and because we’re sick of the establishment. Reince is totally emblematic of the establishment. He hung out with the Bush family and Senator Lindsey Graham. Probably also hung out in a few fag bars, if you know what I mean. Just look at the guy.”

“Might as well call him ‘Reince the gay prince’ if you ask me,” Hitchcock added, spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.

Hitchcock and other middle-class Republicans took to suburban housing developments and upscale shopping centers in sometimes violent riots. In Hitchcock’s hometown of Wyomissing, PA, rioters smashed windows at a local mall complex, vandalized cars in the parking lot, and threw Starbucks latte cups at police.

“Many of us feel disenfranchised and betrayed,” Bob Watson, Grand Dragon of the North Carolina-based Ku Klux Klan (KKK) and owner of a national brokerage firm said. “It is inconceivable that our President-elect would yield to the establishment, appointing one of their own to the highest post in his administration. What’s next, Governor Christie for Attorney General?”

CEOs in corporate campuses throughout the United States are providing safe spaces complete with puppies and coloring books for executives who are mourning the appointment.

To date, neither President Obama nor President-elect Trump have stepped forward to ask Republicans to stop the violence and to protest peacefully.

 

Breaking News: Trump Names Fiorina as his Vice Presidential Running Mate

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After giving former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton a tongue lashing that pranced like poetry and sang like a song during Thursday’s debate, Carly Fiorina announced she is suspending her candidacy.

A press release from Fiorina’s campaign indicated that she is stepping down as she expects to be named as Trump’s running mate.

“As I said in the debate, Hillary Clinton cannot be president of these United States,” Fiorina said. “But I have also concluded that no woman should be president. Except for me, after I serve as Mr. Trump’s vice president.”

Trump immediately tweeted, “Carly, you got the gig! This will be huge!”

Other Republican presidential candidates were quick to condemn the move.

“Carly needs to shut up, get back to her kitchen, and start mopping,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He then later apologized for being insensitive to Mr. Clean and other great American housekeeping icons that have a history of donating cleaning supplies to states after the occurrence of a major disaster, such as New Jersey’s election of former Governor Jim McGreevey.

Senator Ted Cruz accused Fiorina of feigning “wholesome Iowa values” to manipulate next week’s caucuses.

Emails leaked from Clinton’s homebrewed server indicate panic among her campaign staff.  One email from a high ranking staffer called for an emergency meeting to develop talking points that will label Fiorina as an unmitigated misogynist. The email also recommended that Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones be brought in as advisers.

During the debate, Fiorina revealed that she, like Mrs. Clinton, has traveled hundreds of thousands of miles across the globe. Taking aim at Clinton’s legacy of showing up at various places, Fiorina noted that such travel was an activity, not an accomplishment.

Congressional Republicans have called on the Justice Department to investigate how Mrs. Clinton cashed in on the credit card reward points she earned during official travel.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz who represents Florida’s 23rd Congressional District and serves as Chair of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), said during a morning news show, “The Republicans are once again playing theatrics because they do not have any candidate that can defeat Hillary in November.”

Trump was quick to threaten Ms. Schultz. “If Debbie wants to play that card, I’m going to bring out evidence that she was once a man.”

Schultz could not be reached for comment by press time.